Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Unpacking Again. ...

I have been struggling with what to write, which is why I haven't posted anything.  I know that my life is going through a host of changes again. I guess I am trying to keep myself grounded and stay uplifted, seeing the changes as positive, regardless of how difficult they will be. 
I have finally taken steps to reach out to other suicide attempt survivors, and it has been enlightening and comforting for me during these difficult times.  I have also been exploring the writing community online, and finding encouragement and kinship there as well. 
I'm currently spending time with my mom. ...we have so much to say to each other. ...its not easy but it is healing.  I am hoping that she will get to the place where she can help me with my #2 book....the one for the family and friends of suicide attempt survivors.  But it will have to be in her own time, as she is reluctant (and I don't blame her!) to have to revisit and analyze what happened to her in the aftermath of my attempt.  Its okay. ...I have lots of things to work on,  and I have infinite patience as far as waiting for her to feel up to the task.  She thinks I should let it go and move on. ...and I have had to explain that I have moved on. ...it is that I feel I survived so that I could use what I have been through to help others like myself, and also to help the families and friends understand.
I guess it is hard for others to understand that I am willing to go back and revisit so many painful times and memories, but I feel its the only way for me to make these books happen.  Probably why it has taken me this long to actually begin. ...sifting through my pain and other people's pain and coming out with positive messages. ....this shit is no fun. 
I know that I have been called to do it. ...I know I have the strength and support. ...and now that I have cleared up more of the negative forces and put myself in a safer environment, I think I am ready to begin. ...as soon as I can get unpacked....again.    

Monday, October 5, 2015

I Know Too Much Now

I know....a strange title.  Well, its been a long month....where to begin?
I had been waiting for two and a half years for my disability hearing, which finally took place in July.  Then I had to wait two months to find out that my claim had been denied. .. again!  I had really believed that this was going to be the end of this and that my claim would be approved and I could actually have something of my own.   I've been struggling. ...hard....financially and personally.  I was ready to have an income that would allow me to have my own tiny house and not have to depend on the kindness and good graces of other people in order to exist....otherwise I would be homeless.  
So, bottom line is that when my claim was denied,  I spiraled VERY QUICKLY into a deep depression.   I didn't think I was going to make it through this....and didn't think I wanted to. ...saw no reason to go on.  I started planning my suicide. ...I did!  I counted out my meds and figured out how and where and when.  But something was different.  I could feel myself dissociating, and I could stop it....or not.  I know too much now. ...I know what it would do to my friends and family....because if I had decided to go through with it. ....I would not fail again.  I know too much now....like how I screwed up the other time because I didn't go to a hotel instead of staying home.  Given the fact that it was a matter of a couple of minutes between my being able to be brought back and my leaving this world for good....all because I was at home instead of an undisclosed location.
So I guess what saved me was knowing too much.  That and the love and faith of my beloved and my mom.  And also, I gave myself over to the depression. ...on purpose. ...I cried, and walked miles and miles of beach, and I cried, and let my beloved hold me and be my rock.  I cried. ...over and over again.
Then I started to feel like I could have a life. . .make a life ....get back to what was important to me and hopefully save some lives. I have these books to write. ...I have many things to create....I have a family who loves me. ...friends who love me like family. ...I am blessed. ....not cursed.  I will get through this and be better for it. 
So I am "coming out"....to the world. ...as a suicide attempt survivor.   I have joined groups of people like myself.  I am also getting involved in the artisan community online and on a local level.  I have plenty to live for. ...even if it is still financially hard right now. .. it will get better! 
I will survive!  I have begun the books now. .. still hoping to have some of my readers share their stories... and I will see what this all morphs into. ...hopefully I'll be hosting small retreats by next year.  I'll also be vending at a couple of local markets starting in the spring. ...goodkharmarethreads is morphing, too, and I can see art becoming therapy and profits going towards helping others.  
I guess I really can see a future. ...created by myself. ...without fear. ...because its why I didn't die the first time.  I am not finished yet.
I still need your help. ...input. ...stories. ...advice. ...support!
Don't be afraid. ...it will all be confidential!
I must go have dinner. ...have a fine night and stay in the arms of peace.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Where I've Been. ...and I Could Use Your Help

I know. ...where in the hell have I been??!!!
I am in my version of heaven, or paradise.   We live on an island now, part of North Carolina's unique and spectacular outer banks.  We live in a camper that is set permanently in a campground community.   The people are all salt-of-the-earth, blue collar, wonderful folks.  They are very accepting of us, and I already feel that some of these people are family.  They reciprocate, too!  We fit in here, and we are each finding that we belong here. 
We spent the first month with my mom....which was hard for everyone in some ways, but we also found good things and had good times.   I feel closer to my mom than ever....and I miss her now that we are 3 hours away from each other.  But I will be able to visit soon, and she will come to visit us at some point, and she'll love it here, too.
We've had to learn to live together in a small space, and it really is okay.  When you have the ocean 96 steps from your door, you realize that you're never really closed in.  It is a great experience so far.
Now, there have been stressful times, dark days, and times I considered getting in my truck and leaving.  But I don't want that. ...so I am learning to be adult about different things and to be patient with myself and those around me.  I guess I have come to embrace the good and the bad and the rest.  Life is worth living. ...I want to live it.  This is a huge deal for a suicide survivor.
I will be posting on a regular basis from here on....I still have a great deal that I want to share with you.   I will soon start my books. ...I will also be designing and starting to have retreats for suicide survivors. ...for family and friends of survivors. ...and for those who have lost someone to suicide.   I will be using the environment here as well as helping people find the spirituality that will be most helpful for them.   I have so many ideas and I realize that there are many people that I can help. ...that I can reach.   I want to do this very much. ...
Any ideas or advice you might like to contribute to me would be greatly appreciated.  I would LOVE to hear your story.  Your story may help someone choose living over dying.   It might help a parent or child or friend come to a better understanding of what happened to their loved one.
If you don't want to contact me through the blog,  please feel free to contact me via email at sheynascv@gmail.com
I would love to have more to go on than just myself and my story.
Thanks in advance. ...
Now I must get to bed. . .a pirate needs rest, too!  May peace be with you. .. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

We Made It!

As promised, I want to let you know that we are safe and sound in North Carolina.   We arrived on Thursday, and it has been an emotional weekend, as my mom has opened her small home to the three of us, and we have all been learning about each other and ourselves.  
My mom and I have had several important conversations, and I feel like our new relationship is going to be a special and dear one.   I feel very blessed to have this opportunity, and I've come to understand that this relationship is also a part of my do-over, and I am so happy to get to share this with my mom.  I also know how hard it is for her, since she is used to living alone, to have such disarray in her home.   But I feel that we have come so far in these few days toward developing a healthy relationship.  I also see the building of healthy relationships between my beloved and my mom, between my beloved and his daughter, between my mom and my beloved's daughter, and between my 'daughter' and myself.  Oh, and the relationship between my beloved and myself is certainly strengthened by all that we've been through on our trip, and all that goes along with building new relationships.
So we are here. ...we are almost broke but I am not going to let it get to me. ...I know that we'll be alright.
I have to get ready for my disability hearing. ...another thing I know I have to stay positive about.   This is hard for me, but I am going to trust in the Universe that things will happen as they should.
The amazing thing....no S Solution knocking on the doors of doubt and fear inside me.  I feel hopeful and alive, and I am really proud of myself.  I cry easily right now, but the tears are of joy and amazement and relief.  I feel washed clean. ...I went outside last night, as it is Summer Solstice, and thanked the Universe for all that I have ....and envisioned all of the wonderful things ahead of me, and it felt good. ...really good! 
I am alive!  I want to stay that way, too!
This is a really good thing!
I wish everyone a happy Solstice and I hope that you are able to embrace the changes and chances that await you. ...may you see the good. ...and let go of what no longer serves you. ...it is time. ...namaste.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Check It Out!

I just wanted to take a few minutes to update.   We're still in the process of packing and purging. ...we head out for the east coast on Monday morning.
Now, through all of this hoopla, and the sheer exhaustion of packing, shuffling, loading and unloading donations, arranging for pickup of larger donations, and dealing with the ups and downs of teen angst, among other emotional displays and discussions, I have had no desire to pull out the S Solution.   I can't begin to explain how happy this makes me feel. ...I'm not worried about dying. ...I truly want to live this done-over life of mine.  
I will be thinking of you,  my dear readers, while traveling across almost 2000 miles next week.   I will be sure to check back in once we get there, too! Until then, I have more than a body, especially a pretty broken one, can deal with, so I won't likely be posting again until we've made our way to NC.
Until then, be happy....stay safe. ...know that you matter. ...and may peace be with you!  Namaste!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Hey there!  I guess I seem to have fallen and I couldn't get up!  No, nothing so serious here....just too much going on at once to have the luxury of doing just this!  Crazy!
Okay, here's the crazy....we're moving back to North Carolina in about 3 weeks or maybe a tad less....and so all of the things leading up to such a life-changing event and all of the stress and happiness involved....ugh!  It has been a strange time, and it has taken a great deal of patience; and still is, for that matter.
I have to say, though, that through all of this, I have had the 'S' solution pop into my head, and each time it has been simple to tell it to go back from whence it came....not interested in dying....I'm way more interested in FINALLY living!!!!
This is my do-over; and I am sharing it with my beloved, and we are moving one step closer to our dream lifestyle.  It is very exciting, indeed.  
Also, I FINALLY have a court date for my disability hearing....after waiting patiently (for the most part, anyway) for over two years.  So I would be traveling to NC anyway for the hearing, but given that our rent was going up here, and we haven't been doing anything but existing prior to any increase....we decided we may as well move now, while the moving is good, and get the teenager in a good school (she has been taking all of this very well, in spite of the fact that she'll be leaving her first beau!, so I'm really proud of our daughter....smart girl!), and us in an area so that our rent is basically cut in half, we will be among friends and family, and be able to enjoy the beach and the mountains and have something left over to have a life....be able to go out to lunch....the little things!
So, I feel great....this is a big deal for me.... to FINALLY be able to conquer the idea of the 'S' Solution!  To feel able to move forward, truly toward even better things.  
I hope you were looking to be cheered up, since this is definitely an upbeat post. What can I say?  I'm happy!!  The family is happy!  I doubt that my ex is happy....I just emailed him today regarding our move, to let him know that I have no plans to ruin his life or bother him and that we'll be on the other side of the county from him.  He will have to deal with it!  It will be interesting, since I know of at least a couple of lies he has told our kids, and I will be around to defend myself from now on.  Maybe he'll move.  That would be okay.  But I honestly have nothing but good wishes for the man, even after everything.  I want nothing more than to see him find himself and find some happiness.  It just won't be with me!!
I shall go for now!  I will keep you posted....I have some packing to do!!  Namaste'!

Friday, May 1, 2015

A Waste of Good Coffee....

There is plenty going on inside my head these days.  I am still learning to be still and pay attention, not be reactive, and stay positive.  One of the things I am doing, as I've mentioned before, is going back through my journals that I've been keeping since I was in the psych ward following my suicide, back in January 2011.  
I came across this entry the other day, and I knew I should share it with you.  When I look back at this long journey I've been taking since my re-birth, I realize that I spent so much time paralyzed, and that I still have those times, but at least not as often.  
There are many recurring themes in my journaling, and trying to figure out my relationship with my husband has been one such theme.  It took me a while to come to terms with his part in my death and re-birth. This particular entry, especially rereading it now, is oh so telling....

December 21, 2011

"A waste of good coffee - one more spoonful would make all of the difference, yet every morning that my husband makes coffee, its one scoop/spoonful too weak, can't be fixed.
I guess that sums it up, and is an analogy of my marriage - one spoonful light in love, passion, respect.  Oh well, that's the way it goes.  I am the bad one, the one to blame, the bitch.  At least I'm used to the role, and now it doesn't come with me also feeling shame, guilt, fear, etc.  That one spoonful is not my lack; it is someone else's.  I am more likely to add an extra scoop, not omit one."

So there you have it.  It is one of those things that would be so insignificant, except that back before I died, for quite a few years, I could tell when it was time for some 'pity sex' when the coffee got weaker.  I guess it was a passive/aggressive way of getting my attention?  And it was so....because after some 'pity sex' the coffee got stronger again, at least for a while.  I think of all the pots of coffee I poured down the drain so that I could make a pot that actually tasted like coffee instead of burned water.  Years of pouring out this wasted liquid.  And actually, because my husband also had serious 'cheapskate' issues, knowing that he did this on purpose....ugh!  Kind of sad, huh? 

Well, I never have to deal with that again....my beloved loves my coffee, and doesn't mind that I add two extra scoops....for he knows what we all know....you can always make strong coffee less strong by adding a little water, but you can't fix it if its not strong enough....its just a waste of good coffee.


Monday, April 20, 2015

Thanks to You!

Yep!  I want to thank you all for being there, wherever 'there' may be, and for reading my posts....especially when they are as strange (or not) as the last one. Actually, I just reread the post myself, and wanted to take the time to check in and post an update.  
First of all, I am still alive and kicking, while not too high, mind you, but I'm kicking nonetheless.  As a suicide survivor, I know that it means something to be alive each and every day.  I know that getting past the idea, the 'S' solution, is always a victory in itself.  And, yes, writing it, posting it, is probably one of the most therapeutic things I can do.  
I think that having my youngest son here for a week and a half was also very helpful.  He is very intuitive, and not afraid to tell it like it is.  And as he and I talked about many of the issues that have been plaguing me, he gave me a great deal of insight and good, if unsolicited, advice.  
Basically, he helped me to gain perspective on many things, such as that I am here to be parenting, like it or not. That it is up to me to be happy about it and to allow it be something to build relationships instead of ruin them.  That this is where I belong, and that what I do is important and has meaning.  
I also talked to him at length about my fibromyalgia and the disability issues, and I feel like he now understands exactly how debilitating my condition can be, and how it has affected my life decisions and my life in general; and then, of course, the financial aspects of being unable to 'get a job', and having to wait so long for the disability trial.  
It was wonderful to have him here, and to watch as he became comfortable with my beloved and his daughter; they are all going to be able to be 'family', which makes me so very happy.  I think we all got something special from our time together....priceless.
So, I just wanted to take the time to thank you, dear readers, for taking the time to read my words.  I'll be back soon....I'm in the middle of editing photos for ebay and etsy and my other blog (GoodKharmaReThreads)....but I haven't forgotten about you....just trying to make ends meet, like everybody else I know.  Peace to you.... 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Loose Threads

I can't believe that I've been so remiss with my blogging....but I also know that there's been so much upheaval and negativity in the atmosphere these past few weeks, I've actually been at a loss as to what to say here.  I thought I could continue sharing my "lessons", but they have been coming at me with such intensity and frequency that it has taken a lot of energy just to decipher the events in my day to day.  

I can say that the bottom line has been the same:  LET GO!  

Now, this letting go has encompassed many areas of my life.  I have really had to let go of my reactions to the goings-on around me, rather than trying to take some kind of false responsibility and be a fixer of things that really aren't mine to fix.  I have had to let go of many material possessions, whether by selling my own clothes and shoes on ebay, or selling and hocking my jewelry (what little there was), in order to have the money for such necessities as refilling my meds.  

I've also had to let go of the outcome of the relationships in my life....and try to understand what I need to do next.  This has probably been the hardest thing....dealing with the fact that love doesn't pay the bills, put food on the table, etc.  Also that there is a great deal of conflict inside regarding being part of parenting someone else's child: my parenting style is not the same as my partner's.  I have struggled greatly to let go of my feelings here....to understand the 'whys' for the philosophy my partner has for raising his daughter.  I have come to the conclusion that this may be something that could end this relationship; this and the financial woes, however temporary, that we're experiencing at the present time.  My need for security and some kind of order may send me packing one day.  I can't handle the anxiety that goes along with raising a teenager, or the pressure that comes with having little or no control over my financial situation, and none over the household's finances.  

I keep looking for a sign from the Universe, you know, advising me as to what I should do about these things.  There is a big part of me that believes that maybe my work here is done, and I should move on to a place where I can do other good works.  There is a big part of me that wants to stay here, with my beloved, and just ride this storm out, knowing that its just a storm, knowing that there will always be storms to deal with, along with rainbows and sunny endings.  I don't know.  

And, of course, all of this angst has been paralyzing for me.  It has also taken my thoughts straight to the "S" solution, almost daily.  Yes, its the easy way out.  Its something I am actually at peace with doing, which is not necessarily a good thing.  It is always lurking in the background....and the knowing that I could do it is like a security blanket.  This saddens me more than I can relate to you in words.  Its not like I want to die....I just don't want to live another downtrodden, hand-to-mouth poor, emotionally deadened life.  So I look at options.  And leaving this life (literally) will always seem like a viable option for those of us who have done it before.  

The good thing is that I also know I have other options.  The downside is that many of them involve messing up peoples' lives, lives that have improved with my physical absence.  Lives that have blossomed and left the arms of co-dependency.  I don't want to be the thing that ruins the hard work that others have done to improve themselves just so I can have a place to stay or feel 'safe'.  I think that re-entering some peoples' lives would be worse for them than my other exit strategy.  Or maybe I'm just justifying my potential actions....that would make sense.

So I work....I paint and sew and sell stuff and do my best to keep busy and somewhat productive.  I wait....my lawyers keep pushing back my hearing date for disability, and they don't give a rat's ass if I live in poverty, or at the expense and mercy of others.  They just know that the longer they wait, the more money they'll get out of the deal.  My personal suffering is of little or no concern to them.  I just want it to be over with.  Its been almost two years and I am tired, not to mention that I've run out of things to sell or hock or trade for necessities.....but I wait.  I know that this one thing would change my life for the better and give me that feeling of security that I just don't have and haven't had in too many years now.  

I hope that this post doesn't overly depress anyone.  I am not sharing my life and feelings to be validated or pitied, or to make anyone feel bad.  I think these are things that everyone goes through, and healthier people breeze through, while those of us that have issues....we don't always see things as positively as we need to in order to survive.  

I will get through this huge bump in the road.  I am not ready to give up.  I know that there are other things that I am still on this earth to do, and I will fight my emotions in order to stay and do them.  Like the books I should be writing, and the art I should be listing on-line.  I have so many things that I want to accomplish this time around; even when I feel as unmotivated as I do at present, I know that I have things to do, people to help, animals to rescue....I'll get there.  

Hopefully my next post will be a little more positive and helpful.  Sometimes we all need to put into words the things that we are feeling and fearing.  If we're lucky, this allows us to look at our feelings and fears and then let them go....let go!  (there it is again!)  Keep letting go of the things that no longer serve you....hard as that is!  I will do the same....let's see where this takes us!

I will do my best to be back soon.....until then, namaste'!

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Let Go of My E-GO....

Sorry I didn't get back before now....life does take up more time these days, now that I'm learning how to actually live these moments individually and collectively.  
In my last post I shared my epiphany from February 5th, about the ego and how it was time for me to realign mine back to a healthy state....and, as I also shared, this was easier said than done.  So, today I will share my "Today's Lesson" from February 6th:


My lesson today....more letting go.  The Universe insists that I shed my ego: 

   E-GO  -  lEt-GO  -  okay!

My karma is not attached to anyone else's.  It is mine and my responsibility to try to improve myself and what I release into the world.  I am having with this - the realization that I am alone with my karma.  And, that if letting go of my ego affects another's ego negatively (as in making it bigger), that is their karma, not mine.  Their choice to seize power that is up for grabs, or let it go.  
I have to release myself from my ideology here and then I hope I can let go of my ego.  I don't want it.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be off of the 'Samsara Ride' (In Buddhism, samsara is the cycle of suffering that all beings strive to overcome in order to be able to be truly happy and compassionate and enlightened).  Only I can make the choice for myself to change, to get off this 'ride' of suffering and move on - move forward on my path.  
The interconnectedness (with my beloved) is just so close that it is confusing at times.  And the rejection is part of my karma - payback for those I've rejected. 
I understand this.  I will eat it and try to digest it and not spit it out....let it all go.

To clarify things - the rejection I am referring to is from my deep desire to be with my partner physically, basically offering myself to him, and not being taken up on my offer.  This was such a blow to my ego - ego that I didn't even realize was inside me - and my reaction was anger and resentment and other such negative emotions.  
Truthfully, this was the best thing that could have happened to me....it has allowed me to see the holes in my spiritual education and growth, and to address issues that I now know are directly related to my past....lack of self-worth, self-love, self-esteem....thinking that my sexual self was supposed to be used as a control tool....I could keep going, but I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.
I will try to be back tomorrow and continue this with my next day's lesson (2/7) and it's effect on, well, on everything.  It is interesting when I see how the life I was forced to lead as a child and teen, and then the life I chose to lead as an 'adult', and the factors that ultimately led me to choose death over life....well, that its all a process of shedding and growing....and the realization that I'm not finished by a long shot....and that its okay!
Until then....

Thursday, February 26, 2015

My Apologies....

Yes, I must apologize for my absence from blogging....I have no real excuse, although there have been so many lessons and epiphanies since I last posted back in January, and I have tried to document as much as possible.  

For this post, I just want to share this inspirational writing that I vomited up on February 5th....it was a week of learning some really important lessons, and this writing was the beginning of this extremely transformational time, so I will share and also i will share the subsequent lessons that sprang from taking my own advice....


Let Go....Let Go....Let Go!

Open up - open the heart, soul, mind 
Look inside - seek and you shall find

Open up and let go - no  need to be alarmed that there is no safety net.  There is no ground beneath your feet.
Let go - let go of each selfish thought or action - let go and open yourself up to the possibility that you lack nothing and your needs are easily met by the act of having faith, trust, and letting go of your ego.  Let your ego dissipate - dissolve - wash away your ego and leave yourself bare and clean - free from the constraints of "I" and "me" and even "we".
Let go, more and more; release your demons and forgive yourself.  Forgiveness is freedom; forgiveness is love.
Let go - be open to the vast Universe.
Just let go....open your heart....see and feel the goodness, and radiate it outward to give it freely to the world.

There....I will be back tomorrow with my lessons from 2-6-15....because implementing the above was a whole lot more difficult and revealing than I expected....the ego is one powerful beast, for sure.

Until then, may you be filled with and surrounded by peace.  Namaste.

Friday, January 16, 2015

And Now I am Four....

Yep, I made it through my ReBirthday....which for me begins on January 14th and ends on January 15th....a long 24 hours of reflections and growth.  This year it was different, as it seems to be every successive year from the date of my death and rebirth.  
Being in a new home, new state, new relationship, new everything....has definitely allowed me a different kind of perspective than in the previous years.  I can see different choices for my future, as well as being able to see how, even a year ago, events were taking place that would eventually lead me to this new place on my path.  It has been quite the journey, this past year, and it feels pretty good to be settled for now.  I need to be settled for now, that is for sure.  It is harder to embrace than I thought it would be, this being settled.  I am ever so watchful of my role here and I still keep my red flag system at the ready.  I don't know if that kind of safety system ever goes away or changes, can relax, at least with me. I hope that someday I can truly relax, and be myself, because it seems that even when I think I've gotten to that place, I realize that I am not there quite yet....closer, definitely....but not there yet.
But, I think the depression from the holidays and the anticipation of my rebirthday are lifting now.  It has been more of a battle than I expected it to be.  Like I said, I still have a ways to go.  I also have to give myself a break, considering that I relocated to what may as well be a foreign country, only 3 and 1/2 months ago....and we've only had our own house for a month.  I have just had a hard time, as I have had to figure out my place, my role, and also accept these things.  There are good days and bad and in-between....and I have come to realize that part of my problem is that I am NEVER alone.   Hopefully, once winter has passed, I will be able to get outside and garden and do things and not feel quite so trapped.  I don't do so well with 'trapped', as we all know.  I have days when I feel like a chauffeur and a cook and a laundry lady and nothing more.  There are times when I think that I should just get in my truck and head for somewhere else.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time, except maybe its just who I am, how I am.  I've spent so much time being used that I notice normal activities as being taken advantage of instead of just part of life.  I have to work through this somehow....
I spent a great deal of time the past two days reading from my journals.  I came across a few revelations; I can let go of the guilt from leaving my husband....I needed to leave him....and he needed me to leave him....long before I left.  I have done my best to repair the damage done by my suicide, and I can see that it has indeed been taken care of....I have good relationships with my boys, and they can go on with their lives now, as can I.  I have made peace with my mother....on terms we both can live with and be happy about. I am getting ready to start working on my books....which is why I had been going through the journals and other writings....I'm finally feeling ready to face the pages and words and see the progress and the pitfalls and turn all of that information into something that can help other people like me, and people's families and friends.  It will be very cathartic for me....and I feel strong enough, in spite of feeling unsettled, to take these projects on now.
So, I am now four....I can't say at what rate I have been 'growing up', but I think I am at the point of adulthood now....2014 was a year filled with big growing pains, and now I have to assimilate it all and be the woman I never got to be before.  And this is SCARY AS HELL!!!  But its time....I'll be okay, right?  I think ultimately I will be more than just okay....I just have to learn to LIVE this life, this gift that I've been given....
I have also come to a really important place spiritually.  I am starting to really understand who I am inside and how important each moment is....especially since I very easily could not be here....and I am opening myself up to others again, even in this foreign place....the funny thing is, others have begun to be drawn to me again, so I know I'm putting myself out there spiritually for those who might need something from me, even if that something is just a smile.  
I think being four will be good for me.  I still have some digging to do, but I am ready to be open and to get into life.  It is my do-over in motion....and I have to keep my nerve up to stay on this ride instead of thinking I could just jump off....because this ride is my life and its a gift and I have made some wonderful choices that have put great love and commonality in every moment, present and future....so, I will tighten my seat belt and just go with it....why not?
I will be using my journals for some posts in the near future....so much stuff to share that I had forgotten about, and forgotten that the journals were originally going to be the basis of this blog.  So, as I go through them, I'll be sharing with you how it felt then, and how it feels now.  It will be therapeutic for me and hopefully for you, too.  

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

New Year - New Relationships

I've been thinking a great deal over the past few days, as one year ended gracefully and another began just as gracefully, about how the relationships in my life have changed, mostly in a graceful manner, as well.  I talk a lot about how people seem to fall away, enter and re-enter one's life, etc.
Given the fact that I've moved on with my life and truly feel like I'm at a wonderful and expansive place in my blessed "do-over", its interesting to reflect on the people involved.  I know that the radical way that I 'moved on' has been a shock to some folks....that's okay....change is like this.  There is no way to move on without leaving things behind.  There is no way to end or amend relationships without causing pain and a feeling of loss.  These are just the facts of life.  But, even though I feel like some people have dropped out of my life 'unjustly', I can understand.  I have dropped out of other people's lives in the same way....this is a two-way street kind of thing.  It is what it is....
I feel blessed....
One of the biggest blessings is being able to have a new relationship with my mother.  She and I have been through many dark times and have caused each other pain and grief.  We have also lived through many good times and have given each other much joy and love.  I think the factors: our being separated by about 1800 miles, our individual spiritual growth, my personal 'growing up' and having adult relationships in which I shun anything remotely associated with codependency, and her 'getting a life'.....have all contributed to our being able to grow closer.  I also know that this particular relationship works now because we have both grown so much.  I know, though, that my absence from my mother's life for a few years was the thing that allowed her growth, and I won't ever do anything to get in the way of that.  But having her in my life again is a beautiful thing and I treasure it immensely.  I'm sure there are people who will never understand how I could allow this relationship to even exist....not my problem. 
I am still unsure how my relationships with my boys will shake out....but I feel that we are all adults now and I know that they love me and will be happy that I am happy.  It has to be hard for them, though, to know the effect that my leaving their father had on him.  They have both had to witness what I have not.  I love my husband, not like a lover, but like a friend and family member.  I don't think he will ever forgive my leaving, though.  It doesn't matter that our marriage has been over for a long, long time....its all about, to him, in his mind, that I left him for another man.  I didn't leave him for another man....I left him for myself, and because our marriage was a sham, broken beyond repair....but he has to have someone to tie blame to....and so, again, it is what it is.  I just hate it for my boys....they love both of us....and it will be interesting to see how they feel when they get to know my partner better and see my simple happiness.  I hope that they will be the accepting people that I worked so hard to raise them to be.....time will tell, I suppose.
I know that I've lost a few good friends.....some temporarily and some probably forever.....but that is what happens when one does something radical.  I lost a few friends when I committed suicide, too....some temporarily and some forever....and from that I learned that life goes on, and those who truly love you and want to be part of your life will be there....and others will fall away.  My decision to leave and start a new life elsewhere, with a new family, and to basically go after happiness and love....well, that is something that each person takes differently, I'm sure....not my problem.
I wouldn't trade my relationship with my partner for anything....that is the honest truth....its great to be in love and be an adult and have a real relationship and partnership that's based on real trust and pure love.  I am surprised daily by the ease of it.  I didn't know that life could be like this....and I'm damned glad that I took the chance, the leap of faith, to get here.  I would hate to think that I would have missed this experience, this relationship....and I know that it is something that can't be completely explained to most people, but the closeness and intensity and complete comfort that we share is priceless beyond words.  I hope that the Universe will continue to smile upon us, and that we'll get to have a long life together, grow old together, and have the gift of time and health on our side. 
My budding relationship with my 'daughter' is another huge gift to me.  It means so much to me that she accepts me in her life and that there is no resentment, no snarkiness, just gladness at the chance to have a loving home and people who aren't going to abandon her the way her mother did.  I am so happy that I'm able to be here for her, with her, and show her what true love and genuine affection look like before she heads off into adulthood.  So, as much as I feel our relationship is a gift to me, I know that I am giving her a gift as well.  This is a huge part of why I moved my life 1800 miles....and I don't regret it.
As a suicide survivor, I have had to deal with so many kinds of relationships and the impact that my death/life has had on them, not to mention the time and effort it took to repair so many important ties.  It has taught me many, many lessons about human nature, forgiveness, acceptance, judgement....many lessons, indeed.  I'm sure that if you are also a survivor, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  If you're a loved one of a survivor, you know, as well.  There are things that can't be changed or taken back or ever fixed.  There are also many opportunities to establish new relationships, revamp existing ones, end those that have been outgrown....
I welcome 2015....and the chance to have 'new' relationships of all flavors.  I hope that you'll take the chance to do the same....you can't have too many friends, loved ones, etc.  You get to decide what kind of relationships work in your life and what don't....you have choices, and you have the capacity to accept other people's choices.  Embrace all the love and joy that you can....revel in those you can truly trust....don't dwell too long on those who fall away....you'll be okay....the Universe has plans for you!