I've been thinking a great deal over the past few days, as one year ended gracefully and another began just as gracefully, about how the relationships in my life have changed, mostly in a graceful manner, as well. I talk a lot about how people seem to fall away, enter and re-enter one's life, etc.
Given the fact that I've moved on with my life and truly feel like I'm at a wonderful and expansive place in my blessed "do-over", its interesting to reflect on the people involved. I know that the radical way that I 'moved on' has been a shock to some folks....that's okay....change is like this. There is no way to move on without leaving things behind. There is no way to end or amend relationships without causing pain and a feeling of loss. These are just the facts of life. But, even though I feel like some people have dropped out of my life 'unjustly', I can understand. I have dropped out of other people's lives in the same way....this is a two-way street kind of thing. It is what it is....
I feel blessed....
One of the biggest blessings is being able to have a new relationship with my mother. She and I have been through many dark times and have caused each other pain and grief. We have also lived through many good times and have given each other much joy and love. I think the factors: our being separated by about 1800 miles, our individual spiritual growth, my personal 'growing up' and having adult relationships in which I shun anything remotely associated with codependency, and her 'getting a life'.....have all contributed to our being able to grow closer. I also know that this particular relationship works now because we have both grown so much. I know, though, that my absence from my mother's life for a few years was the thing that allowed her growth, and I won't ever do anything to get in the way of that. But having her in my life again is a beautiful thing and I treasure it immensely. I'm sure there are people who will never understand how I could allow this relationship to even exist....not my problem.
I am still unsure how my relationships with my boys will shake out....but I feel that we are all adults now and I know that they love me and will be happy that I am happy. It has to be hard for them, though, to know the effect that my leaving their father had on him. They have both had to witness what I have not. I love my husband, not like a lover, but like a friend and family member. I don't think he will ever forgive my leaving, though. It doesn't matter that our marriage has been over for a long, long time....its all about, to him, in his mind, that I left him for another man. I didn't leave him for another man....I left him for myself, and because our marriage was a sham, broken beyond repair....but he has to have someone to tie blame to....and so, again, it is what it is. I just hate it for my boys....they love both of us....and it will be interesting to see how they feel when they get to know my partner better and see my simple happiness. I hope that they will be the accepting people that I worked so hard to raise them to be.....time will tell, I suppose.
I know that I've lost a few good friends.....some temporarily and some probably forever.....but that is what happens when one does something radical. I lost a few friends when I committed suicide, too....some temporarily and some forever....and from that I learned that life goes on, and those who truly love you and want to be part of your life will be there....and others will fall away. My decision to leave and start a new life elsewhere, with a new family, and to basically go after happiness and love....well, that is something that each person takes differently, I'm sure....not my problem.
I wouldn't trade my relationship with my partner for anything....that is the honest truth....its great to be in love and be an adult and have a real relationship and partnership that's based on real trust and pure love. I am surprised daily by the ease of it. I didn't know that life could be like this....and I'm damned glad that I took the chance, the leap of faith, to get here. I would hate to think that I would have missed this experience, this relationship....and I know that it is something that can't be completely explained to most people, but the closeness and intensity and complete comfort that we share is priceless beyond words. I hope that the Universe will continue to smile upon us, and that we'll get to have a long life together, grow old together, and have the gift of time and health on our side.
My budding relationship with my 'daughter' is another huge gift to me. It means so much to me that she accepts me in her life and that there is no resentment, no snarkiness, just gladness at the chance to have a loving home and people who aren't going to abandon her the way her mother did. I am so happy that I'm able to be here for her, with her, and show her what true love and genuine affection look like before she heads off into adulthood. So, as much as I feel our relationship is a gift to me, I know that I am giving her a gift as well. This is a huge part of why I moved my life 1800 miles....and I don't regret it.
As a suicide survivor, I have had to deal with so many kinds of relationships and the impact that my death/life has had on them, not to mention the time and effort it took to repair so many important ties. It has taught me many, many lessons about human nature, forgiveness, acceptance, judgement....many lessons, indeed. I'm sure that if you are also a survivor, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're a loved one of a survivor, you know, as well. There are things that can't be changed or taken back or ever fixed. There are also many opportunities to establish new relationships, revamp existing ones, end those that have been outgrown....
I welcome 2015....and the chance to have 'new' relationships of all flavors. I hope that you'll take the chance to do the same....you can't have too many friends, loved ones, etc. You get to decide what kind of relationships work in your life and what don't....you have choices, and you have the capacity to accept other people's choices. Embrace all the love and joy that you can....revel in those you can truly trust....don't dwell too long on those who fall away....you'll be okay....the Universe has plans for you!
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