Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Just a Quickie!!

I just wanted to tell everyone, anyone....don't be satisfied until you find the right doctors for you!  After waiting five months for my ex-GP to refer me to a rheumatologist, I had a serendipitous occasion to change doctors.  On that day, my new doctor referred me to the rheumatologist that I had seen years before and wanted to go back to.  That was a Friday afternoon, and on Monday afternoon, the appointment person called to set up an appointment with said rheumatologist, which I was lucky enough to get within the same month.
My appointment was yesterday.  My rheumatologist spent probably 45 minutes with me, talking, listening, and believe it or not...caring!  We discussed my trajectory of getting off of the oxycontin/codone train, which is a miserable and painful trip...but I'm more than halfway there now.  After this week things should be easier, but this week will suck!   But she was very happy to help and to support me in such an honest and caring and knowledgeable me a plan A and a plan B....I was like, wow!, options!!!
We discussed changing my fibromyalgia meds once I am clear of the narcotics.  A couple of them also have antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety benefits along with the physical benefits.  She asked if she could talk to my psychiatrist about her opinion and so that they could work TOGETHER (yeah, shocking, huh?) to head me in the right direction with the meds.  And here is the best part....the rheumatologist's assistant called me yesterday ( yes, the same day as my appointment) to verify info on contacting my psychiatrist.  Even though my follow-up isn't for a few weeks.
I am so very impressed!!  So very happy and relieved and I just want to share that with you, because the old me wouldn't even be trying to get off the oxy's; she'd just get more and try to stay as numb as possible...
and while numb sounds fantastic right now (my skin hurts, if that helps explain how it is) I know that it won't always be this way and that I am doing the right thing for my body and myself.
I am thankful to the Universe for whatever part it has played in clearing this path for of several paths that have been cleared for me recently as I journey through my year of healing.
So if you aren't getting what you want or need from your present practitioners, change are not just a patient, you are a customer, too!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Trying to Stay Calm and Lay Low....Patience...

I feel like I"m two different people.  The one who lives in the cartoon, hanging out on the farm and watching tv with my husband.  It all looks so normal, but it feels foreign as hell.  Especially if I take my blinders off for even a second and look around at all of the unfinished, overgrown, falling down messes.  This farm was so pretty and well-kept, but after my suicide and the riding accidents, it was let go....I was the one that made sure things were done, whether I did them or asked someone else to.  I guess its that there are two sides to not caring any more about the disposition of the material things that comprised my old life.  I don't care but I do care.  I really just want to put it behind me, and I will.  I will be glad to be just one whole person.
The other person is trying desperately to get things together, and to get healthy and well and energized.  It can get frustrating.  I've never been this physically fucked up before.  It just sucks!!!  I do go to a rheumatologist next week and hopefully we can get my physical issues under control.  My emotional issues should improve with that, too.  I just get so tired of being two people...being disassociated.  I know that this is how I was able to kill myself, this separation.  Its a little unsettling that I can fall into it easily.  But I know I'm doing it now.  I have little recollection of my other self before suicide.  She was strong and smart and more the real me than the other person that was run over and run down and wanted to run away.  I am her now.  The me that I used to be, only in a 51 year old, fucked up body.  But I have spirit and faith and confidence.  It is good.
And one more thing.  It has been interesting that since I remembered about the sexual and deeply emotional relationship that I had with my cousin from the time I was 7 to 17.  It has given me a liberated feeling to know that it happened and remember all about it.  I can understand more and more how it shaped my life at the time.  And I can let it go...set it free.  That little girl, that young woman, she didn't have the same map that other people had to find their way.  She did the best she could.  What else could she do?
I have been left with a lingering peace.  It is more than a little strange, but I'm going with it.  There are things on the horizon, waiting.  I'm not ready to deal with them, even though these things could be so life-changing, life-saving.  I'm not ready yet.  I have things that I have to do.  I will do them in peace, do them with love.  I will take it all as a blessing.  I will put my blinders on and go about my business.  I am supposed to do that right now.  Patience....peace...yeah...
Sorry if this is a ramble.  Sometimes that is just how it comes out of me.  The disparity between my mental self and my physical self is just hard to take.  But it won't always be this way....patience....peace....

Thursday, October 4, 2012


It has taken me a long time to reach out and share my story.  Yes, I write this blog, but not that many people know that it even exists.  I finally feel strong and able enough to share the fact that I am documenting what happened to me, what I continue to learn about my past life, and how I feel about having a chance to be whole and adult and confident and happy.
I find that most people aren't really sure why I'm happy, with all of the hardships and accidents and heartbreaks that I have endured since my suicide.  I am happy in spite of those things. So many not-happy things happened and I have managed to learn and grow from them and turn their energy into happiness.  That doesn't mean that I have forgotten anything or been dismissive.  I just choose to be happy.  It isn't nearly as hard to do as trying to be perfect so everyone else can be happy.  Other people are not my problem, in that their issues are their issues, not my issues.  The teflon philosophy in action, I guess.
I have learned that I can gain strength from sharing my story.  I go to therapy every week, I got to group therapy every week, and I go to see my psychiatrist once a month.  I share with them all of the things that have been going on in my life, from remembering a past that anyone would want to forget, to relating how the different people in my life are relating to me, to admission of my bad days, days I cry and feel sorry for myself, mostly because I can't leave. Not yet.
I am fortunate that I know so many incredible people that are willing to share their stories with me, too.  We all have things to learn from each other's experiences, good and bad.
And recently I have begun a Servant Leadership class, where I share my 'wisdom' with other people, younger and older, and we are each fortified from the positive energy and pure love that we generate as a group and each take with us as we go about our week.  It is incredible so far, and I am supposed to be there, there is a divine reason that hasn't been revealed yet, but it is there.  It is kind of wild to be in a class for two and a half hours and feel your heart radiating outward the entire time, even while I'm driving toward class, I feel a pull, a force that is propelling me.
I hope that over time, people will feel enough at ease to share their stories with me thru this blog.  I consider this a huge part of my healing process.  I would love to be able to help others find their path toward healing.  Maybe I already am and just don't know it.  We all touch so many lives and share little bits and pieces that may not seem important to us at the time, but speak volumes to others.
So share, it is scary but if I can do it, you can too.