Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014 - A Year of Living Dangerously?

Well, what do you do with a title like that?  
I have to say, this year has been so full of fast-paced insanity and slow-paced waiting...so many things have happened, changed, not happened....seems like nothing was ever what it started out to be.  
And what would make that dangerous, you ask?  Well, for a suicide survivor, danger is always there.  Because we make the conscious decision to stay in this world and find out what happens in a given situation, or not.  Every day, all the time!  That's just how it is, at least how its been for me.  
I think back to the first part of this year, when I was surrounded by my 'kids' and trying to figure out what I should do with my life....watching each of them, in turn, make life-altering decisions....while I felt stuck with a life I didn't want....a marriage I couldn't fit into anymore....a project (the farm and the idea of farming as a way of living) I didn't really start or finish, yet worked my ass off to keep going until I couldn't see the point any longer....friends that I could and couldn't count on....a love that I tried my best to let go of and found out that this was just not something I could stand to live without....and on and on....
I know that it was a year of feeling so damned defeated over and over again.  There were many dark times.  Yet it was also a year of finding myself, figuring out why I didn't die, what the Universe really had in store for me, and realizing that I had the power and the choice to do and be who I am....and the right to live the life I wanted for myself, as opposed to staying in a stagnant pretense of a marriage, doing work that I didn't want to do, etc.  
In the end, I have found peace and joy.  I see hope on the horizon and feel it in my heart. I have journeyed internally and externally along my true path, and lived to tell about it.  I have faced demons literally and metaphorically and come through a stronger, more confident person.  I have had relationships fall away and relationships be renewed and rebuilt.  
I am happy.  Tomorrow could bring anything, but it won't change the fact that I'm happy.  I realize that being happy is really what makes life worth living.  I also realize that it can be a very unpopular thing....there are many people that thrive on other people's unhappiness....that don't know how to be happy for someone, even someone they care deeply about, when that someone has taken that leap of faith and found happiness and peace.  Maybe they are afraid to do it for themselves and so they don't really like to see someone else find what they can't seem to, no matter how hard they try. I can't say...I am not that kind of person.  
But I have seen, and really paid attention to it this year, that there are so many unhappy people....looking for answers but unable to find what they seek.  They are living dangerously, I think.  I realize that there are so many who are on the brink of depression, or already there, and who may decide that life is no longer worth living.  Dangerous....at least from where I sit.  Maybe because I've been there, even as recently as a month ago or so, and I know exactly how it can turn from feeling bad to just being ready to give up.  I feel lucky, believe it or not, that I have lived and died and lived again, and that I know the signs, have the red flags in place, recognize the beginnings of dissociation from what is, and can steer myself through the darkness that comes unbidden until I find something positive to grasp to get me back into the light.  
Has this been a year of living dangerously?  Absolutely....and it seems that it has been this way for pretty much everyone that I know....in some way or another.  This year's instability, for lack of a better description, has put many people in situations that may have been over their head....because everything seems to have been magnified; and every change, of which their were many, was a BIG one.  It has not been a subtle year, that's for sure.  
I'm hopeful that we have all gotten through 2014 fairly unscathed.  I think many people will carry the scars from such a volatile succession of changes, and I hope that as they look at those scars they will be reminded of the fortitude that they found within themselves to deal with such volatility and uncertainty as we have all gone through in these past 12 months.  I hope that we can see that we are all stronger and better for what we've endured, and that the changes to our lives have been necessary if we are to survive in this crazy world.  Sometimes living dangerously is just the way it is....and its better than not living, literally or metaphorically....living through 'dangerous' times may seem dire at the time; but as I look back, I can see that the changes and choices and chances which seemed so dangerous and scary and sometimes downright impossible have all ended up okay, and have left me with scars that I can look at and smile at, and be glad that I experienced the 'danger', because I also experienced the 'living', and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  
I hope this year's end brings peace to you, as it has to me....and that you can see the gifts, the good parts, and take those forward into the year ahead....namaste....

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

So This is Christmas....

Its hard to believe that its Christmas again....and for many of us, its not a time of great joy and fond memories.  I know that I am having a particularly difficult time staying out of the pit of depression, so I imagine that many of you are feeling likewise.  Don't panic!  Its quite normal....even regular people get depressed during the holidays.  And why not?   After all, it is driven by the need to find perfect presents and have perfect experiences.  
I have had so many less-than-perfect holiday experiences that I shun the idea of even attempting 'jolly' and other things synonymous with this time of year.  I am happy just to not be crying or completely enveloped in darkness.  I was definitely headed there earlier this month, as recently as last week; and then I remembered that I have every right to feel the way I do about the 'holidays', and that I also have every right to medicate myself properly, so that I can get through these coming days.  
I look back on the holiday season of 2010, the one before my suicide.  Well, I can't honestly say that I 'look back' because I don't remember much about it....apparently I was already dissociated from everything and everyone and spent most of the time in a drunken stupor, depressed and sad and tearful and seeing that I didn't want any part of the holidays, which had become nothing more to me than a season of one disappointing thing after another.  So I chose to stay as anesthetized as I could.  And, because I was a pro at dissociation, I had no trouble convincing most of the people around me that I was just fine, just partying, just going through the motions laid down by our family's traditions....and those who saw through my ruse and attempted to help me found that there was no way to do that.  I think I was already too far gone, and even I didn't know it yet.  
Here I am, and its 2014....I have had a helluva year, for sure....just by virtue of the fact that I've relocated my life 1800 miles from family and friends, started a new relationship with the one person in the world that I truly trust completely, 'adopted' a teenage daughter, and spent every last penny that I had to my name to get here and take this chance on a new beginning.  It is still terrifying, to say the least.
Yes, I've been depressed.  I have been unavailable.  I have dragged my sad ass out of the stupor and made myself take my meds and try to at least be HERE.  I know that being HERE is the antidote for dissociating.  So I am working hard to stay HERE.  
There is so much positive that is taking place: we have our new home, and it feels good!!  I have set up my new studio space, and also my desk with computer for writing and blogging and helping my partner with our business.  We have our own room, and Jay has her own room, and we have a positive outlook for the coming year as far as our businesses go.  
I know that when someone is depressed, they don't see the positive in anything...or if they do they just don't care enough to allow it to lift them up.  Depression is a truly harsh mistress...she will suck every last bit of energy and motivation out of the strongest among us. So I address this post to all of you who find yourselves depressed or getting depressed or thinking of the dreaded 'S'!  I know that this time of year brings on more suicides and attempted suicides than any other.  
I want you to know that you aren't alone.  If you have no one else, please, feel free to contact me via email or through the blog's comment section.  I will be here.  I am always available to anyone who needs to know that they're not alone, or to anyone who is heavy-hearted due to having lost someone to suicide and just need to talk to someone who can understand.  I can be that person.  I have been that person for many people.  It is my job to be that person for you, whoever you are, whatever your situation.  So PLEASE don't be standoffish or afraid...I'm here....and of course, there are local organizations that you can contact, places you can go....but sometimes that is just too much....because when you get truly depressed, it takes too much effort to do most everything.  
I AM HERE!!!!  And I want you to know that I am more than happy to just listen....no judgements, no advice (unless you want it), no hassle....I just have big ears and big shoulders and I am not afraid to hear your story, ease your burden, just be there for you.  I AM HERE!
I will be blogging more frequently now that I have a computer.  I will be checking for correspondence....
I hope you have a good Christmas Eve....I am going to make something and play my guitar and do a little cleaning and just try to keep myself occupied with the day-t0-day so that I can stay HERE.  I will be back tomorrow and I will be checking periodically throughout the day and night....and you can email me at sheynascv@gmail.com or text me at 720-526-1306 if you need to reach out...I AM HERE!!!!  
Much love and hope and healing to you today.....

Friday, December 5, 2014

Miracles Abound...

It has taken me a few days to get back to writing.  So much has come to pass and is still in the offing that its hard to put things down into words, for fear that it will somehow 'jinx' something...but no, I will keep the faith, the trust, the positivity.
Facing the idea of being thrown out of our 'home', a basement, really got me freaked out to the point of finally just giving up and giving in and putting myself into the hands of my love and of the Universe. There was certainly no wind left in my sails.
Having to make a decision....to leave this state and return to NC...to take a heartbroken freshman out of high school mid-year....seemed like the only answer for us, as we could find nothing to rent in this town.  Nothing...
Enter the miracles....
A house that a neighbor's family owns and is being vacated as I type....what will be our new and first real home together as a newly formed family....was dropped into our laps about five minutes before we were going to reserve a u-haul trailer for the journey eastward.  Our limited budget and urgent time constraint seemed something that would make this house impossible, too...so we waited....and as it turned out, every single thing came together and unless something unthinkable happens, we'll be in our new home this time next week.
A surprise phone call from someone who was wanting to help us monetarily...a few minutes before we were set to call him.
A reprieve from our 'landlord' from being evicted and being forced to seek shelter during the interim between the end of November and the move-in date to our new place.
I have always believed in miracles....have seen so many things that can't be explained....and I can't express enough gratitude for the angels that have come to our rescue and for the Universe's generosity.
I know that it is a miracle in itself that I'm alive and undamaged from the big "S" in 2011.  I know that I had heavy karmic dues to pay, and pay I have, for taking my own life and hurting so many people.  I also know that I have a job to do out in the world.  I have books to write that will hopefully help  a lot of people.  I have good deeds to do, people to help, projects to finish, and as many other ways as I can come up with to fight the good fight in this world that I was not meant to leave.
Right now, every day is a miracle to me....every moment a precious reminder that life is what you make it, no matter your surroundings or situation.  I realize more than ever that I have purpose; that I count.  And I hold my breath that nothing will fall through....that we will have our home soon....and I can get busy with life again instead of feeling like I'm just existing.
Many people spent the month of November giving thanks for something each day.  I had to work hard to find those 'somethings', as all people do when things in their lives become too dire, too stressful, too seemingly impossible.  But I have kept my gratitude, my appreciation, my hope....and I will continue to be grateful every day and to try and do something good, meaningful, special...even if it seems mundane and negligible....because I know that no act of goodness or kindness is lost on the world.
My point today....miracles exist....the Universe does listen....so please, pay attention.....be willing to be humble, and grateful, for even the smallest things.  Just as each of us is significant, each little thing we do, we give, we receive....is significant as well.
So I am carefully sharing my miracles with you....so that, in case you weren't aware, you can see that miracles do happen, and that they can happen to anyone.  I think the key is gratitude....for all that you have and all that you don't have....be grateful....be humble....be happy!