Wednesday, November 26, 2014

You Gotta Have Faith. ..

Life is rolling along. ...The road is a bit bumpy at the moment. ...we are trying to find a new place to live and this has proven to be an incredibly daunting task.   But we are doing our best to keep our spirits up and not lose hope. continue to be positive in a very negative environment.   Hard stuff. ...
I still want to stress that gratitude is the most important part of keeping positive energy flowing. ..In the face of so much negativity. many roadblocks. ...being grateful for what you already have. ...even if it is next to nothing. have yourself,  and you have people that care about you. ...and you have your faith. ..whether it be religious faith, faith in the universe,  faith in yourself and your loved ones. period! 
During this rough patch on my path I have had to come to terms with my inner self. ...The 'S' box, for example. ...and my fear of trusting someone besides myself. I have had to allow myself to put my faith and trust in the man I love. ...and he's a really good man and we have a monumental love. ..yet it wasn't easy for me to just put my faith in him....not his fault. ...just my issue (can't imagine where that comes from.!)
I will say that it takes a whole lot of realizing the Buddhist concept that there is no ground under our feet. safety net....that we have to trust in the here and now and that the universe will see to guiding us on this seemingly pathless path toward what is best....a BIG chunk of trust.  So I have had to practice this concept. ....and it is not easy.   Also the concept of non-doing. .. .as mostly all I can do is wait, and put out all the positive energy that I can muster that everything will work out and be "okay"....
Starting a new life is full of roadblocks, detours, and surprises. ...but, if its where you want to be, then you figure out how to handle the inevitable chaos. ...and you keep the faith! 
I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving.....namaste! 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Thanks, Dear Friend!

And its a new day....another opportunity to take things out and look at them and appreciate all of the gifts and blessings of this life.
Its funny, but even as I sit here, not knowing where I'll be sitting a couple of weeks from now, I am grateful. I can feel nothing but gratitude to the Universe for being given this chance to live my life.  I am no cheerleader; anyone who knows me would probably question that, as I cheer regularly for those who can't, and send love and healing to those who need it, even when I don't know what my circumstances could be tomorrow.  But I know that the only answer ever to any problem is love and gratitude for what I already have.
As I stated yesterday in my blog post, I know that the "S" box is there....maybe it will always be there...not as a possible solution, but as a gentle reminder of how effed up things can become and how twisted the mind can make things if one isn't aware of oneself.  So I choose to stay "alert and grateful", as a dear, dear friend of mind reminded me yesterday.
I am blessed to have several friends that I have known most of my life.  I don't see any of them often and don't hear from most of them on a regular basis.  I am grateful, though, that one of my oldest and dearest and closest friends is now a couple of thousand miles closer to me, and we have begun to rekindle our sisterhood.  Last night we messaged a while and then ended up talking on the phone.  It was great to be reminded of the fact that we survived our childhoods.  We had very different ones, yet we were bound by the things we knew about each other; not just what we could express to each other at the time....the things we silently observed about each other's lives; and now we can discuss those things that we were forbidden to say as children.  I appreciate this lifts me up in a way that can't really be put into words....the intimacy that most people never experience....because most childhood friendships fall away.  Most people don't want to be reminded of their pasts and their roots and the way their childhood shaped them into who they are today.
But the thing is, we can't truly grow up and go forward until we can reconcile the past, forgive those who hurt us, whether knowingly or cluelessly, and move on.  So, being able to have someone that I can actually talk with and examine events or situations and gain perspective...its just priceless.  I know she feels the same way.  We give so much to each much insight into why we are the way we are, what we learned from each other and the other people in our lives...I could go on and on....but the point is, it is a huge gift to have a friend like I do.  It was very healing for me to spend time talking with her last night.  I needed it, too! And I know it was the same for her....that we are a blessing for each other now, whereas there was a time when our relationship ran one-way, as many of my old relationships seemed to go.  And as we were talking, she clued me in on the fact that I was 'that person' for her, and for my mother, and for my husband, and probably for others, too....'that person' that somehow they 'had to be' attached to.....which made me come to realize that all of that fucked up codependence that was laid on me until it broke was thought of as some important gift that I 'gave'....even as it ate me alive.  Wow!  What a revelation!
Now I am no longer a receptacle for that kind of energy....even though I know so much about so many people and I am a voluntary beacon for the Universe ....I know how I can help people and how I can un-damage them.....I also know how to help people and be there for them while at the same time being able to shield myself from any negativity or misdirected ills.  I guess somehow the Universe found a way to show me how to use all of that 'training' from my first morph it into the energy that I put out into the world now....and I am grateful for the reminder that without those unpleasant, destructive relationships I wouldn't be who I am now...and I wouldn't know how to do my job the right way and with the right intention, which is everything....
There are so many opportunities for gratitude....and so many surprises in that we can take something that was once a burden and may have killed us and turn it into something to be grateful for and to use as 'experience' as we traverse our lives, our paths....appreciate every little thing....for there's a lesson in there somewhere to be mined when the time is right....maybe because a good friend reminds you that the worst parts of  'where you came from' can become the best parts of who you grow up to be....
I'll close with a quote I saw this morning on affirmation:  "I love the person I've become because I fought to become her."  Yeah......namaste....

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The "S" Box

Well, I guess it must seem like I have fallen off the earth again...nothing could be farther from the truth...geographically, at least.  I have relocated to Colorado, near the mile-high city of Denver.  It is beautiful here, with the mountains always within view, even though they're really about 45 minutes away.  I have been here for two months now.  I have been stuck in a very unproductive and uncreative takes all of my gifts just to stay positive and be able to focus on sending love and healing to those who need such from me.  
To say that starting over with a new life, a new partner and family, in a foreign place with foreign people, is just the least bit daunting would be an understatement.
But I am doing my best to stay on the bright side and I realize that my lessons here are about trust and patience and faith and how true love fits into all of my lessons....maybe to the point of complicating everything.  I don't think that its a negative complication, just that it is so different to have in my life as something that I consider when thinking of other things. It was easier by far to consider a reality of myself in a tiny house or camper, alone, doing my work and living a simple and peaceful life on my own.  Making the commitment to be with someone else changes all of that.  Making the commitment to be a part of a young person's life, one who needs and wants me in her life, changes all of that, too.  I might otherwise have already given up.  But I don't feel like I've given this life a chance and want to find out what it would be like to have this life under more peaceful living conditions....a home of our own.  
It seems like I have spent so much of the past couple of years being more of a transient being....physically, environmentally, and spiritually.  I thought I was doing well with my spiritual path, but at the moment it is hard for me to devote enough of myself to my spiritual life.  I hope that will improve once we have our own space and I can have the privacy and space to study and to meditate, to connect better with the Universe that I look to for guidance and support and love and understanding.  
Right now, I just feel such a need to keep my concentration on manifesting the energy to see things through...find a home for us, get started on my books, be able to make art, help with the business and become a partner to my dear one.  And so that is where my focus lies at the moment.  I am forced to have faith and trust in another person for my needs.  This isn't easy for me, but I trust this man more than any other person I've ever known, much less loved.....and so I am trying very hard to keep that as an open channel in my heart and soul.  It really isn't easy....not for someone like me.  
I have found that throughout my time here, I have had to deal with many fears of many kinds....not the least of which is that after all of this time and everything I've been through, the good old "S" has come back to rear its ugly head on a regular basis. I know this is my ultimate 'way out'....for me it is always going to be there.  I hate it, and I make myself examine the idea that its still such a part of me, especially when I reach a certain level of despair and hopelessness. My fears come with their own tagline: 'you can always leave this world'....I honestly thought and/or hoped that I had gotten past the idea that I can always just end things if necessary.  But its there....a little reminder that if it turns out that this world just isn't for me, after all of the work and energy that I have put in to knowing otherwise, I can make a graceful and swift exit.  And this is so fucking scary....that I still feel this way!  I guess the truth is that for me, and maybe for all of us that have tried and failed to leave this life, we will always know that it is just another viable solution...a special path that we can't forget about as an option....whether it be to escape the mundane things or to release ourselves from things that we don't want to or can't bear to face.....for me:  poverty, homelessness, hunger, pain.  
Is there a moral to this post?  Probably - probably simply that it never goes away, does it? Its always an option somewhere in each of our minds, that pops up unbidden to see if we are perhaps interested in revisiting such horror....
I hope that some day I can truly say that it never, ever crosses my mind, no matter how bad or dire or sad or hopeless things become.  But unfortunately I am not there. I want to be there, I really do, but I have to be honest with myself and with you, dear readers, that it lurks somewhere in my psyche and is rarely not included as a possibility in times of trouble. 
The good news is that I am able to take out my fears and feelings and 'hold' them in my hands and examine them, searching and conversing with the Universe about the true meaning of my feelings.  I can take out the "S" box and open it and look at all my tools of destruction and what I could do with them....I can imagine myself exiting this world once and for all...I can decide that I don't want to, that I want to stick it out, to build a happy and peaceful life with my partner.  That I can trust him and put my faith in him and in myself and see this through.  It seems that I do this often right now......purely circumstancial, I know, given the current situation.  I ask the Universe for strength and love and patience and faith many times a day.  I ask the Universe for understanding and the ability to be understanding with others.  I ask the Universe for any help and guidance it can give me in how to manifest whatever it takes to lead obtaining a home and being able to make it a home of love and peace and joy and creativity and giving.  I am trying very, very hard!!  I want a simple life, a happy life, with my new partner.  I don't ask for more....other than to somehow be able to release the negativity of feeling like a burden and the fear that I have made a mistake by trying to be happy....the negative feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing.  
I don't know if I am again paying some karmic dues, or if I'm caught in the crossfire of other people in the process of paying theirs. Perhaps its all in my mind.  I am hanging in there as hard as I can, though....I'm not ready to give up and lose my chance at being whole and happy.  I am just having a terribly hard time dealing with this part of my journey....I guess the key here is that I recognize all of my feelings for exactly what they are and I know I have the power to deal with them.  I just wonder if things ever become less difficult, less onerous.  I don't know....but I'm here...hopefully soon I'll be in the home I envision and can start living again instead of treading water in someone else's murk. 
I only ask, dear readers, that you send me any positive energy and support that you might have to spare right now.  I truly appreciate it with all of my heart.  I'll be back to posting regularly now and I will share some more positive stories and insights.  Today I just feel the need to be blunt and humble and ask for all the goodness that can be manifested....thanks so much....namaste!