Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The "S" Box

Well, I guess it must seem like I have fallen off the earth again...nothing could be farther from the truth...geographically, at least.  I have relocated to Colorado, near the mile-high city of Denver.  It is beautiful here, with the mountains always within view, even though they're really about 45 minutes away.  I have been here for two months now.  I have been stuck in a very unproductive and uncreative takes all of my gifts just to stay positive and be able to focus on sending love and healing to those who need such from me.  
To say that starting over with a new life, a new partner and family, in a foreign place with foreign people, is just the least bit daunting would be an understatement.
But I am doing my best to stay on the bright side and I realize that my lessons here are about trust and patience and faith and how true love fits into all of my lessons....maybe to the point of complicating everything.  I don't think that its a negative complication, just that it is so different to have in my life as something that I consider when thinking of other things. It was easier by far to consider a reality of myself in a tiny house or camper, alone, doing my work and living a simple and peaceful life on my own.  Making the commitment to be with someone else changes all of that.  Making the commitment to be a part of a young person's life, one who needs and wants me in her life, changes all of that, too.  I might otherwise have already given up.  But I don't feel like I've given this life a chance and want to find out what it would be like to have this life under more peaceful living conditions....a home of our own.  
It seems like I have spent so much of the past couple of years being more of a transient being....physically, environmentally, and spiritually.  I thought I was doing well with my spiritual path, but at the moment it is hard for me to devote enough of myself to my spiritual life.  I hope that will improve once we have our own space and I can have the privacy and space to study and to meditate, to connect better with the Universe that I look to for guidance and support and love and understanding.  
Right now, I just feel such a need to keep my concentration on manifesting the energy to see things through...find a home for us, get started on my books, be able to make art, help with the business and become a partner to my dear one.  And so that is where my focus lies at the moment.  I am forced to have faith and trust in another person for my needs.  This isn't easy for me, but I trust this man more than any other person I've ever known, much less loved.....and so I am trying very hard to keep that as an open channel in my heart and soul.  It really isn't easy....not for someone like me.  
I have found that throughout my time here, I have had to deal with many fears of many kinds....not the least of which is that after all of this time and everything I've been through, the good old "S" has come back to rear its ugly head on a regular basis. I know this is my ultimate 'way out'....for me it is always going to be there.  I hate it, and I make myself examine the idea that its still such a part of me, especially when I reach a certain level of despair and hopelessness. My fears come with their own tagline: 'you can always leave this world'....I honestly thought and/or hoped that I had gotten past the idea that I can always just end things if necessary.  But its there....a little reminder that if it turns out that this world just isn't for me, after all of the work and energy that I have put in to knowing otherwise, I can make a graceful and swift exit.  And this is so fucking scary....that I still feel this way!  I guess the truth is that for me, and maybe for all of us that have tried and failed to leave this life, we will always know that it is just another viable solution...a special path that we can't forget about as an option....whether it be to escape the mundane things or to release ourselves from things that we don't want to or can't bear to face.....for me:  poverty, homelessness, hunger, pain.  
Is there a moral to this post?  Probably - probably simply that it never goes away, does it? Its always an option somewhere in each of our minds, that pops up unbidden to see if we are perhaps interested in revisiting such horror....
I hope that some day I can truly say that it never, ever crosses my mind, no matter how bad or dire or sad or hopeless things become.  But unfortunately I am not there. I want to be there, I really do, but I have to be honest with myself and with you, dear readers, that it lurks somewhere in my psyche and is rarely not included as a possibility in times of trouble. 
The good news is that I am able to take out my fears and feelings and 'hold' them in my hands and examine them, searching and conversing with the Universe about the true meaning of my feelings.  I can take out the "S" box and open it and look at all my tools of destruction and what I could do with them....I can imagine myself exiting this world once and for all...I can decide that I don't want to, that I want to stick it out, to build a happy and peaceful life with my partner.  That I can trust him and put my faith in him and in myself and see this through.  It seems that I do this often right now......purely circumstancial, I know, given the current situation.  I ask the Universe for strength and love and patience and faith many times a day.  I ask the Universe for understanding and the ability to be understanding with others.  I ask the Universe for any help and guidance it can give me in how to manifest whatever it takes to lead obtaining a home and being able to make it a home of love and peace and joy and creativity and giving.  I am trying very, very hard!!  I want a simple life, a happy life, with my new partner.  I don't ask for more....other than to somehow be able to release the negativity of feeling like a burden and the fear that I have made a mistake by trying to be happy....the negative feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing.  
I don't know if I am again paying some karmic dues, or if I'm caught in the crossfire of other people in the process of paying theirs. Perhaps its all in my mind.  I am hanging in there as hard as I can, though....I'm not ready to give up and lose my chance at being whole and happy.  I am just having a terribly hard time dealing with this part of my journey....I guess the key here is that I recognize all of my feelings for exactly what they are and I know I have the power to deal with them.  I just wonder if things ever become less difficult, less onerous.  I don't know....but I'm here...hopefully soon I'll be in the home I envision and can start living again instead of treading water in someone else's murk. 
I only ask, dear readers, that you send me any positive energy and support that you might have to spare right now.  I truly appreciate it with all of my heart.  I'll be back to posting regularly now and I will share some more positive stories and insights.  Today I just feel the need to be blunt and humble and ask for all the goodness that can be manifested....thanks so much....namaste!

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