Saturday, September 21, 2013

I've Been Away Too Long...

Wow!  I didn't even realize how long its been since I have posted anything.  I have been shuffling between my old home and my new home, and come to terms with all of the emotions that come with such constant the end, it is just about more growth.  Took me a while to find comfort in growing, rather than fear.
I have been growing and changing too fast for myself to fathom, I think.  That definitely has made me tentative about how and what to share about it all.  I am finally in a more peaceful place within myself.  But it has been a challenge to get here and stay here and be here.  I have been studying Buddhism a great deal and that has helped me keep getting back to the here and now and appreciate each moment, the easy and the not-so-easy ones.
I am in the process, still, of applying for disability benefits.  Nothing about this process makes a whole lot of sense.  I had to meet with an appointed psychiatrist, who rushed me through a series of ridiculous questions that I have no idea if I answered 'right' now I am waiting to find out if I will receive benefits or have to start the process over again, as most people are turned down the first time they apply.  In the meantime, I have had to depend on others to get me through financially, which is hard to have to do, when you know that others are having to sacrifice for you to survive.  I hope that this will be rectified soon, since my anxiety prevents me from working out in the world.
My art has evolved with me, and I don't know exactly where the path is leading me, but I am staying on it with faith that all things will be revealed (or not) at some point. The disillusionment with selling my fiber art had really brought me down....then the universe put a new opportunity in my path, a challenging opportunity, and I am working to steel myself to meet and exceed this challenge, and not become paralyzed.  I have suffered from artist's block and I am just trying to let myself unfold into the new work.  It seems that I have a million ways not to just 'get to it', and it is just another thing to overcome.
So I am here and I am trying and I will try harder to post more often.  Just wanted to let you know a little about where I've been and why you haven't heard from me....I'll be back soon, I promise....until then, keep peace in your heart and try to live each moment as much as you can...and thanks for being here to is good to know I am not alone.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Well, I Guess I'm Less Lost??

I would like to say that I am found, but not sure that is the way I would put it.  I am still here, and that is good.  I have ridden out the storm of my depression and for now the seas are calmer.  I think I just have to keep following my designated path, and learn to question the detours so much....a detour is meant to reroute you so that you can get around a problem some point it brings you back to the road you were travelling on, just a different place on that road.  Detours require lots of patience and faith.  Sometimes these are qualities that are lacking, especially when the detour is in and through the darkness.  I am still here...just at a different place on my path now.
So much of this life and this world is beyond my understanding.  I am now taking a serious look at my spirituality and how I have to stop avoiding being present in my life.  I am taking a serious look at my sexuality, and how I have to stand up to my broken parts and try to learn how to love.  In all of this seriousness, the one main thing I have to conquer is learning to love myself and have faith in myself and be my own best friend.  I will be working through this for a long time.  It took a long time to accrue the damage, so I can't expect an easy fix.  Again, I can come back to the most important factor...I am still here....and here is as good a place to start as any.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Have I Lost Myself?

I don't usually post things that are not in some way upbeat....I am out of upbeat right now.  I guess its just as important to talk about how I feel when I'm visited by fear and doubts and can't find a way to love myself or really care about my wellbeing.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge of something nameless.  And I am scared...I know it would be easy to just dissociate from this scared person and go on with it, but I know where that can take me, too.  I hate feeling so fragile.  And I don't know how to explain it to regular people.  I don't even want to have to explain it, you know.
I am reading a book, 'Incest and Sexuality' and it is designed to help someone like me, who has been through what I have, but it scares me to realize that there is probably more inside me that has yet to come out.
I am getting to the point that I feel like I would be better off in a hospital or institution...that I don't have anything left to give anyone that is of enough value to keep me here.  In fact, I guess I feel worthless, and bothersome, and anything but good company.
I feel like nothing but a burden, and every day I am struggling with the reality that maybe I don't belong in this world.  And I never get through a day that I don't consider how easy it would be to just make my exit...and this isn't what scares's staying that I find the most frightening right now.  I know I have to figure out how to turn this around...but I've lost my starting place somehow and so I grope along the walls of my mind looking for the right path...after all this time it seems like it shouldn't be this way or this hard or whatever...
I hope I find myself...soon...
I wish peace for you, my readers.

Monday, June 24, 2013

...Then the Tree House Was Full...

I am home now, and wanted to let you know about the second week in the tree completely different from the first, yet full of lessons and opportunities for loving-kindness.
So after a week of solitude, with only a couple of trips to 'town', my friends returned from their vacation on Friday night.  About twenty minutes later, the van full of travelers returning from Germany via Newark also arrived.  So where there had been me....there were seven people. But it was okay, other than there being times of too many in a room, mostly we were able to distribute ourselves around the place without issue.  The mother-in-law went home on Saturday morning, leaving my friend's sister and her two youngest sons, 11 and 13.  Now she is also a soul sister and soul family member to me, so it was great to spend time with her.
And she had much to teach me...she was facing the first anniversary of her husband's death (which she made it through with flying colors earlier this week), and not sure how she wanted to be, where she wanted to be, who she wanted to be with.  We talked alot about life and death, and i finally told her my whole story, and how it made me feel, knowing that i had wanted so desperately to die, and how her husband had wanted so desperately to live.  She made me feel so humble and strong at the same time.  She is working so hard to be all things to her boys and keep herself together too.  It was good to see her let herself have fun and laugh with us and just be.  I think after the trip, and all of the mix of personalities involved, she needed the kind of downtime that she got at the tree house.  I made sure that she got alot of uninterrupted time with her sister, and so I got to spend some time with my soul brother.  I couldn't imagine not having him in my family.
So we spent the week shopping and feeding ourselves and each and love and unconditional was good.  I came home on Tuesday, driving all day through one rainstorm after another.  It was exhausting and I was so very glad when I made it home.  I miss my friends already...we are so connected and it is hard to be so far from them.  but it is good...I love my home and was glad to get back...I have much to do, to get ready for some upcoming events where I will be selling my art.
I am quietly inspired by my experiences while away....I will weave that into all that I do as I journey through this world this week....I hope you have someone or something that inspires you and helps to keep you going...if you don't, try to find it, as it will make a huge difference in your sense of yourself and your wellbeing....much peace to you...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

In a Place Full of Muses

I can completely compare and contrast my last post's subject:  being in my old home and realizing that there is nothing of me left there, and being at my soul family's place in Virginia, where working and creating is effortless.
I came a long way just to pet sit Biker, my friends' dear pooch, who has terminal cancer.  She has already outlived all of the vet's predictions, and is such a little bundle of love and happiness.  I also have two kitties to take care of, but they are cats, and so they are cats and have their own ideas of how to spend their days and nights.  They are lovely, nonetheless.
So, I have worked blissfully every day that my friends have been gone.  I have gotten so much enjoyment from this work, and I think it shows in what I have created.  I plan to spend this evening making some kids' stuff, which is especially fun to me.
I have come to realize that my spirit knows what it wants, and how I carefully I should feed it to stay healthy.  I am learning to let go of those that would suck my soul dry if allowed.  I am learning to love myself, and like myself, and hopefully this will lead to a better quality of self-care than I have been able to provide myself. 
I know that I am not ever going to be cured of my issues...but I can live a productive and happy and generous life anyway.  I guess I am meant to carry my illnesses with me on the road of life.  I am going to encounter all kinds of people and obstacles and open doors and pain and joy.  Just like everybody else. 
It is hard to understand why the universe chooses for me to be motherless and to experience so much loss....but I know that I will gain a better understanding as time passes.  I feel like a poster child for heartbreak. I don't mean this in a negative way, even though it sounds so.  I mean that I am learning that there is nothing to be done but be thankful for whatever blessing allowed me to share my life with something or someone at all, and to keep going....pain is just part of the package.  And if the only way to not experience this pain is to never share my life or myself or love something or someone, well, I choose to have loved, to have shared, to have experienced. 
I guess my point is that we don't always get to choose, and if we attempt to do something when all signs are blaring "NO", "STOP", then we are fucked.  just that simple.
But I am going to spend my time on top of this mountain in as blissful a frame of mind as I can conjure....not hard to do, as long as I keep myself here in the moment.  I will hang with Biker and sew and let the creativity flow through me and into my work.  I am blessed with this gift...and I will share it....
There is always a line at the rainbow bridge, as our four-legged soul family members take their turn to cross over.  I wish them godspeed...and an eternity free from lack and hate and cruelty and pain. 
And for you, hold your friends close, and tell them you love them every is just a little thing that is such a big is life...

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

There is No Afterglow...There is No Happy Ending

I am not sure what my title means.  maybe it will expose itself here in my words.  I am finally back home from farm-sitting in my former home, with my former animals (miss them so much).  I could not get here fast enough.  It was like being in a foreign place; a place that i don't fit in any way, and that is as it should be.  If anything, i have been very reassured that i did the right thing in leaving and beginning the changes to my life and lifestyle that are for this 'me'.  I am 100% positive that the old 'me' is dead.
My mother tried her best to resurrect the old me, to engage me in something that would get me upset.  It was interesting to see and hear her reactions to things as we talked.  And by the last day, her real self started surfacing and came out in to show her ugliness.  I guess for her its always there, right below the surface, and probably takes a lot of energy to try to control.  I came close to falling into her trap, but she showed her true self just in time for me to save myself.  I have undone the patched knots and let her go...i hope that she will find some help for herself, real help for her real self.  My encounters with her are sending me back to therapy, so that I can sort it out under supervision.  I'm smart enough and care enough about my own mental health to know that I can't do it alone.
Sadly, it brought on momentary thoughts of asking my husband to just hold me and comfort me, but I was cognizant enough to let those feelings pass and not cause more issues.  It is hard, this aloneness, when it comes to the need of comforting, soothing.  i am still learning how to comfort myself, and it is hard.
I am exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically from it all.  I luckily have a home that is in itself a wonderful retreat.  I luckily have a friend that can help me just by listening, as I help her in the same way.  I am lucky to have such wonderful friends, that is for sure.  I include my husband as one of my friends.  We are never going to be anything more than friends, but we are good at being friends, so its okay.  There are just some things that I can't ask of him.
But I am home and safe and I hope that you all have a place that you can feel 'home and safe', too.  It is the best thing, the most important blessing, that we can have.
I have so much more to say, and I will get back as soon as I can...until then....hug your peace, hug yourself....enjoy each moment, and make the most of it.  you are loved and you are worthy of love....don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, you might want to consider that they don't belong in your life anymore.  but again...the moment, and the back soon...

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Will There Be Love?

I have been asking myself this question lately...will i ever find love again?  can i love?  can i be lovable?
Do i even want to bother....
and there it is...i don't want to bother.  I don't want to play games and i don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else.  I just want to be left alone.  I would love to go to dinner or go dancing or to a concert, with no expectations of anything from anyone.  I don't know if that is possible, though.  I am broken and I don't know how to be casual about love or sex or any of it.  Too long in a fucked up relationship that was smoothed over and patched and cajoled. I must be done.
The thing is that it is sad.  I am not old, crazy, broken, but not old.  but i don't want to take any chances like that...i don't think it will work for me.  and i have no tolerance for assholeness, so that rules out 99% of all men anyway.  I guess i can get fat and let my teeth fall out and become truly strange and eccentric.  who cares...maybe all of this is just a really big growing pain...a really big step that i'm getting ready to take....the decision to work at growing up and not think about the complication of a significant other.  i need to be the significant one.
sorry, dear readers, that you have to read such as this...but this is part of the process, you know.  How else does one think these things through?  I am lonely and alone and wish i could love and be loved, but i just don't see how it can be.  I am sad....when i first knew that i was no longer married and no longer in love, and after all that has happened, all i have remembered about my past, i still wondered if i could be lovable...if someone could love me, the new grown up me that will be here someday soon.  and i am beginning to realize that i will probably spend the rest of my life without any kind of mate.  I will have to be happy being with myself and with my circle of sisters...
maybe someday this will change.  i'm not closing the door on love.  I will have to have lovingkindness for myself and push that outward.  but i have no luck in the man department, and i don't feel like there is anyone out there that is worth the trouble.  so i am sad.
i won't always be sad.  i have had a sad weekend.  all of the revelations coming at me at warp speed would be too much for an unmedicated person.  but i will survive and be better for it all in the long run.  i will get off here now and try to get back to being in 'the moment' with me, myself, i, and my wonderful furry friends.  i can love them, too much, but its okay.  they love me too.  i will find some peace....i hope you find some too...

In the Place I Used to Live

Wow...i am farmsitting at my ex-house and if there's one thing it don't really want to go home again.  Not that anything bad has happened.  Its just that I cannot for the life of me call upon anything resembling creativity here.  It is, for me, a dead zone.  It is not a feeling that i like.  i like to feel my muse sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear...cheering me on.  apparently my muse didn't like this place, and split.  she ran for the hills, or the town, or something....she coulda warned me, you know.
oh well.  i am enjoying the horses and the cats and the dog.  it is nice to be with my babies...the ones i had to leave behind.  i will hate leaving them again.  i don't look forward to that day.  i tried to explain that it would be very hard for me to be here and then leave them again, but those that want to do what they want to do don't really give a damn about my mental or emotional state.  well, karma will take care of things, i'm sure.  i am sure of something else, too.  i was supposed to leave this place...i do not belong here anymore.  i miss my new home and look forward to getting back there, to my new life.  this place is like a void or black hole, like a dead zone, as i said earlier.  at least it is for me.
i have had occasion to talk or try to talk to my mother while i am here.  i think we have cleared a few things up, which is a good thing.  i think she doesn't know what to do with me.  i'm not mad, i'm not upset, i'm just me and trying to live my life.  i hope she will find a way to live hers.  i have watched her hide from her own life for so long.  she is talented and smart and funny and she is so afraid of everything.  I understand this, because the world is pretty fucking scary, just in the day to day.  but this is the only life you get, so you have to choose to live it or let it pass you by.  i hope that she will wake up and see that she is her only obstacle.
i hope she finds some happiness.  i really do.
i realize now just how happy i have become.  and how much more confidence i have in myself.  even as my body feels like it got run over by a big truck, i still feel fairly vital.  that is the best thing about being here, on the farm...i get outside in a different way than in town.  i know i have land surrounding me on all sides.  i like that.  i wish that it felt better to be here.  but i will make the best of it...i think i will go and pull some weeds...maybe a few other things....i will talk more tomorrow...the sunshine is calling and i definitely could use some....hope you find some sunshine today as well. peace to you.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I Am Still Here...

I can't believe it has been almost a whole month since I have been able to write.  I have dealt with many things that I would have preferred not to, but what's new, right?  I feel pretty good, but there have been more than a few dark days.  I have reached out to and retreated from so much.  But, bottom line....I am still here!
Right now, today, I am retreating from the sadness of the tornado damage in many human and animal lives have been lost, and so much injury and devastation.  Things like this, I can't watch.  I can only take it in incrementally, because the pain and suffering is beyond me.  So for a few days, I will be filtering all that I see and read and hear about it.  It is simply too much.  If it was close by geographically, well, I think I would be there trying to help the animals, or the children.  Mostly the animals.  It is heartbreaking, no matter how you try to look at it.  And it is not the will of any God of mine.  It is interesting that it killed and injured  many horses, given that Oklahoma has been determined to pass the legislation to open a horse slaughter plant in their state.  It is unusual for horses to be brought to the forefront of such a tragedy, but the sheer numbers of  the lives lost in horrible ways has made it 'newsworthy'.
I could go on, but I won't .  I will try to do a bit of blogging each day so that I can get things back on track here.  My children have been huge players in my emotional mess this past month.  I have finally had to step back from them so that I can continue my own growth and life.  Of course, now I feel alone, and I have to deal with that.  I think there is less stress for me right now in being alone.  I have no lack of things to do, so keeping busy is the key for me right now.
Business has not been very good, a karmic thing, and seems to be getting back on track now that I have done something about the negative vibe invasion.  I can only wait and see how things go..if sales pick up or get worse.  I am feeling very positive about it all, though, so I am going to have a good inventory for people to shop through.
Anyway, I have run out of words for now.  I will be back, though.  I have let me mind get so scattered that I am having trouble reining everything back into order.  It will come...
I wish you a day filled with peace and love....

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

What Do You Say?

i ask myself why i have not been able to write...or blog...or focus on the thoughts that i need to turn into words.  it is so easy to convey how you feel when you feel good...and certainly not so easy when you feel bad.  probably because feeling bad can lead to suicide, among other things.  sometimes its just a good cry, or a need to apologize, or be apologized to.  sometimes there is no reason, and right now i feel bad.  i have tears right behind my eyes most of the time.  i don't let them out.  not yet.
i think when everything is rosy that we feel like we have at least the appearance of control over things.  really, we don't have any more than any other time.  really, we just need to let go of that thought altogether, because there is no such thing as having control...or being controlled, either.  it is just a dance of thoughts and words going on inside, where we can perceive good and evil, right and wrong, etc., but where it is just a bunch of perceptions - nothing real.  i think the loneliness is for something to be real in a land where nothing real exists.  i feel lonely, but there is no cure for it.  i fill my time and it is there, and i fill my tummy and it is there, and i fill my pockets and it is there....i empty everything....and it is there, just there.  it is one side of an argument waiting for the other side to come and be it's dance partner.  it is crazy.
i can say that there is no way to escape being ill.  i have a mental illness, and i have a physical illness.  i can't escape from them.  they are part of me, just like my skin and my heart.
i wonder if other people feel this way.  i suspect that there are those that do, and there are those that wouldn't ever dig this deep, because they don't want to find what they know is waiting there for them...the parts of themselves that may not fit quite right with the rest.  its okay.  i actually envy those people so much of the time.  i have always been one of the people that feels too much and knows too much and thinks way too much.  its what makes me a good artist....creativity is a positive path for my excesses to flow out of me.
well, maybe i should go and create something and let me tears recede a little more.
that isn't a bad idea...i just have to get past the pain....
remember, its okay to feel bad...its much better than feeling nothing...its just hard to know how to direct such feelings and figure out how to turn the bad into something we can live with, since it is a part of who we are.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Sorry I've Been AWOL....

Man, its just been crazy for me lately.  In a good way, I think, but still sometimes it seems like alot.
I will try to get caught up and then find the time and inspiration to spend some time here.  I am so in awe of my new life.  I think it's probably pretty regular by most people's standards, but it is amazing and beautiful to me.  just joyful.  I feel very blessed right now, and I am  doing my best to enjoy it, embrace it.  It is good for me.
I hope the world is treating you okay.  It can be a hard thing sometimes.
Anyway....just wanted to check in and say hello....I'll be back soon...until then be  filled with quiet and peace and comfort...

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Epiphanies While Driving....

Yes, I can write while driving...on real paper...not the same as texting while driving.
Why would someone write while driving?  Well, I used to do it frequently when I was heavily into writing songs.  It seems that driving time is great for creative thinking.  Figuring out what you wrote while driving is another skill...much more difficult, I'm afraid.
But my little road trip to visit friends was full of epiphanies...some small and some not so small...all highly insightful for me.  I have always gotten a lot of peace from visiting my friends.  They live in a tiny house on top of a mountain and they enjoy following their ever-evolving interests.  There is evidence of this all around, from stained glass to gardening to shooting to music.  My friends have been very loving and supportive to me since my suicide....and I have always known that I am always welcome there for as long as I need or want to be there.
My first and most important epiphany this past weekend was that I used to go there knowing that I would be in a much happier state when I left to go back home than when I arrived.  This happiness wasn't 'coming upon me' and I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I arrived there already happy, so I didn't need a 'fill-up' of happiness.  With this feeling I also realized that it is time for me to be there for my friends, that they are struggling with certain things and that it is my turn to be there for them.  I made sure that they knew this while I was there, and reiterated it as I was leaving, too.  A wonderful turnaround for me...
I am coming to understand that I am finally a whole person.  I may not be a finished person, and probably never will, but I am whole.  This is a completely new condition for me.  I have never been a whole grown-up-for-me person EVER!  It is a little scary but so very exciting that I am not scared.  I embrace being grown or getting closer to it, at least.  And I damned sure embrace happiness.  REAL HAPPINESS!!!  The interesting thing...yet another light bulb that no one can take my real happiness away from is mine!!  They may be able to mess with my day or I may get a flat tire or a headache, but my happiness, this deep-down from-my-soul light, it is mine to keep, to shine, to share....but not something that can be taken from me.
Even as I sit here typing this I feel the power that happiness has given me.  It is quiet, peaceful power.  It took living and dying and being broken and broke and stepping away from my old life to make my new life for me to feel this way.  It is the best gift....and I know that I can go on from here and carry my happiness along with me.  I can tell you that it outshines doubts and worries and lets me know that the universe really does have important things in store for me....I am getting prepared and this happy wholeness is a huge part of that preparation.  I would never have believed it if it hadn't many strange eventful things...while driving....
may love and peace continue to embrace you, too....

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

A Life...Worth Living...YEAH!

I tried to write about therapy, or lack thereof, yesterday, but I never could get my words to make enough sense or something, so I didn't post anything.  But that's okay, because it took that and then going to my group therapy, DBT group, to be exact, to help me realize what I was trying to get across to you.
The motto of DBT (dialectical behavior training, or something close to that) is that it will 'give you the tools so that you can build a life worth living.'  While I was there yesterday I realized that I finally do have those tools, that my life is worth living, that I have come very, very far along this path.  I think I may be ready to graduate from my group.  I am so very peaceful about this, it is awesome.  I can remember the first few months, after my suicide and at the beginning of my group therapy experience, when I would be so freaked out by something that happened at home or some feeling that I had or remembered, that I would be speeding down the curvy road, crying and praying and knowing that if I could just make it to therapy and to group therapy, that I would be okay, that my crisis would be averted.  It was a place I could go and count on unconditional understanding.  I would feel enveloped in safety, like I was not alone, and that I was among others like myself, who had been to the darkest places within themselves and found their way back out, too.  
Here I am, two years later.  I want to know how the story, all the stories, will end.  I want to go places I've never been and see things I've never seen and touch other people's lives and have my life touched by other people, people I haven't met yet.  I realize that I have just begun my journey...that all of the things that have come before, good and bad, have been to prepare me for what lies ahead.  This is my do-over, my wonderful chance at life that I had to die for.  I find it all so exciting and I am as wide-eyed as a two year old about it all.  
I would not be here, though, were it not for therapy.  The careful taking apart and reassembling of my innards, this I could not have done alone.  I am so very grateful to the people that helped me become me, become better and whole and genuinely happy and took a village.  I know that I will continue becoming and growing and that I will take with me each and every lesson, filed away carefully so that I may access them easily when needed.
I guess this is another post about the virtues of therapy.  I meet people that go to therapy but don't get the benefit due to their lack of honesty, trust, or humility.  It takes alot of guts to allow others to view and inspect your open wounds, your scars, your secrets, and those niggling things that you realize have been buried for a lifetime or two, and that will wreak havoc upon unearthing.  I told someone recently that if they were going to get anything out of their expensive therapy, they needed to realize that they would have to be willing to laugh, cry, get angry, tell the truth, hear the truth...yeah, all that!  Otherwise they were just going through the motions and would never really learn anything.
I hope that I can reach someone out there.....and that they will find themselves on the right path, the one that points to 'building a life worth living.'
Now, bask in the light of your is good.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Living on a Two-Way Street

I want to share with unbelievable luck and joy at finding myself in such a wonderful and reciprocal friendship.  As I wrote in a post last month, I left my husband and my old new life without a clue as to where I might land.  Through true serendipity I found myself living in a dear but-we'd-kinda-lost-touch-over-the-years friend's lower-level apartment.  I have a great place, in a great neighborhood, and I feel safe and loved and free to grow into myself.  It is as near perfect as I could have ever hoped for.
But, of course, I now understand that I am not just here for me; I am here for my friend.  She has a full plate and has been juggling alone for quite some time.  She is finally feeling okay financially, but she is bled dry emotionally on a regular basis by her family situations.  And that is what I am here to help her with...her emotional independence...being here to support her as she looks through her past and deals with her present...and I can do this....I know how to do this really well!!!  So I am happy to have this to offer her, aside from our basic friendship, shedding the dysfunction imposed and implied by others...letting it end with her.  Letting go of some of the responsibility that she has shouldered willingly but at a high cost to herself, when it isn't all hers to bear and therefore the load needs to be redistributed...easier said than done....will be hard for her to give up....I know how to do this, too!
I am so glad to be here, to share what I can, and listen when I should, and offer help as much as it is wanted.
I am so happy to have something of value to add to our friendship.  It feels good to be able to share the lessons I've been faced with and to have a true friend beside me as we each face whatever lessons are in the offing. Grown-up is gives me hope...
Peace to you...peace and plenty...plenty of whatever you smile, to breathe, to take that step....

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Cry in the Sun...Dance in the Rain....

I always have such a hard time starting off my posts.  There is always so much to say, so many events that have shaped my time and my choices.  I think I will TRY to post something every day this week, in order to cover all of the things I want to share....maybe more than a I start to make a list, it seems I have alot to tell you, alot to say...which of course, goes along with the other side...alot to learn.
For now, I want to share with you something that I bought for myself yesterday...a little plaque with a little bird on it, and the quote, "anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain."  I honestly did not have an extra $15.00 for something I could go home and recreate with ease.  But I knew that it was something I was supposed to buy, to give myself, to open up this new can of worms that I must have the strength to deal with now, or it wouldn't have been put in my line of vision...gotta love the universe and its way of bringing you around to things that need attention.
Anyway....I saw this little plaque and had an immediate response...I wrote a song about dancing in the that I never performed because my husband and I just couldn't seem to agree on it musically and he thought it was too hard and dark and I just loved it....I wrote it quite a while of the first that I'd written, but it never got out of the practice room.  I vow to you, when I am ready to pick up my guitar again, it will be heard.
Here is my song, in its entirety, poem-style....its titled 'Before':
     You think you can make me
     Stand down, and give up my heart
     Your think you can break me,
     But I won't let you tear me apart
     You think that you know me,
     Like you could know all I hold dear
     You think you could show me,
     You act like I've never been here before....before....
          Before you, time went by, but the days weren't so long,
          And the nights weren't as dark; no one said I was wrong.
          Before you, I could laugh for no reason at all;
          I could dance in the rain, now, I just watch it fall.
     You think you control me,
     And that I should just do what you say
     You think you can hold me,
     But I'm gone, hell, I'm lost anyway.
     You think that you love me;
     To you love means you sleep in my bed.
     You think you're above me;
     Well I won't let you inside my before....
          Before you, time went by, but the days weren't so long,
          And the nights weren't as dark; no one said I was wrong.
          Before you, I could laugh for no reason at all;
          I could dance in the rain, now, I just watch it, I just watch it it fall...

So, this song was written probably three or more years before I my suicide.
I can read it now and understand what I was saying, where the truth was held, how these words were a moment of clarity in my not quite real world.  Damn...
Amazing what a little plaque could bring back to me...give back to me....$15.00 well spent...
May peace surround you...fill you...shine through you....thank you...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Somebody Cares...

Just a quick post...wanted to share my experience with you.  Yesterday I called the local mental health center, where they help you find out what to do next, literally.  I was calling to find out how to get help with finding a way to get my meds...I was getting monthly scripts from my private psychiatrist, at the tune of $110.00 for a 20 minute visit....meds management, they call it.  I cannot afford that in a post-husband, post-insurance, post-husband being employed world. 
So I gave the nice woman that answered all of the information about myself that she requested, and I have an appointment next week with an organization that helps people in my situation.
Here's the the end of our conversation, she asked me if I felt like I wanted to harm myself, and I replied, 'no, I don't think so, I think I'm okay' and she said that if I did that I could call her organization, that there are people there 24/7, and that I could go to another place in town that handles even walk-ins...that there is always somewhere to go and someone to help....I just started crying...when I could get words out again I told her I was just so floored to know that I wasn't alone, that there was help for me if I needed it, that I hadn't expected such thoughtfulness.  She was so nice, reassuring me all the way to our final goodbye. 
So I felt compelled to post about this share with let you know that no matter what you might think, you are not alone, and there is help out there...somebody cares  ...

Monday, February 11, 2013

Waking Up....

I admit that I have been reluctant to blog due to my only computer being an e-book...but I am getting used to the keyboard and feel better about trying to type on such a tiny thing.  Of course, I want to touch the screen and make magic happen, like on my smart phone, but I have to type, so I will!
I don't even know where to begin...I just reread my last blog entry, and it was definitely a harbinger of things to come.  I finally found the courage to leave my husband of 29 years, although I considered myself unmarried from the time I woke up in the hospital post-suicide.  I am doing very well, and I realize that I have mourned the end of this marriage for years now, which I attribute to why I feel as I do.  I feel sad for my husband, but it was way past time for me to go.  I know that somewhere inside himself he knows that, too.  I left on January 28th.  I have since found a place to live, purely by serendipity, with an old and dear friend who I haven't had much contact with over the past few years, as we have both been going through our own dramas.  /She has grown and changed, as I have grown and changed, and she is helping me so much more than she could ever me a place to land, my own space, and as much nurturing as I need.  It is a miracle to me just to be here!  I feel so very blessed!
Now, my husband, he has had a hard time dealing with how my leaving has called on him to grow up for himself, finally...he was complaining about this last Wednesday, when I met him for dinner....well, the universe, it doesn't like to be dismissed when it is trying to help on Friday he lost his explanation, nothing... a big kick in the ass by the universe....
I have suffered the ass-kickings myself and my advice to him is to shut up and listen to what the world is trying to tell you!  I know I have worked hard to hear what the universe is trying to tell me...I understand that there are consequences for lack of attention!
I am actually in a position at the moment where his issues don't have to directly affect me...and I am cautious as to how and what I offer him...I don't want my issues to affect him, either. 
I watch, I listen, I keep my ear to the ground, and my head out of the clouds.....cautious! 
I am settling in to my new place, trying to get back to work, as the months are rolling by and I need to get some inventory built up.  I have had some opportunities appear on my horizon, and I will be exploring them very soon.  I have had to do alot of growing up and settling down and figuring out here in the last few weeks, so now I cautiously proceed...I feel peaceful, in spite of the turmoil that would latch on to me if I let it.  It is not my turmoil to least it doesn't seem to be...I will keep seeking the peaceful and the do the same!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

While I Was Gone....

okay, i stole the title from a book by sue miller, but it is kind of descriptive of where i've been and how i feel about it.  so many things happen so quickly sometimes.  it can boggle a sane person, so imagine where that leaves me....
so far this year i have had the opportunity to eke out a relationship of some kind with my mother....i'm sure that this will be a slow process, and i will work at it only as long as i feel safe.  i am sure it is confusing for her....i have little 'love and care' to offer anyone right now.  i also have no desire to receive any.  i am trying to fix me and that is enough for now, coupled with my art and the obligations that i have to my beasts.
i will say that our first real time together, my mother and myself, left me extremely shell-shocked (for lack of a better description), mentally exhausted. this is not so bad, considering how used to feel after spending time with i had been picked clean and scattered by buzzards.  sad, i know.  i didn't know then...i just felt it and believed that was what we i know that relationships aren't supposed to leave you as roadkill.
i have gotten a great deal out of my dbt training, and it has become a part of me, deep down inside.  this is such a wonderful thing, after two years of trying to absorb the skills necessary to be in control of my own life.   i know that the universe has part of that going on too.  that's okay.
i think i am just so busy learning so many lessons on so many levels from so many sources, and on and on, that i am having to work really hard to keep up.  i have noticed that i am a few steps behind right now, and i am doing damage control for the things i have done thoughtfully but thoughtlessly, things that directly affect my karma.  I am such a slow learner in this area of my self.  but i'm learning, nonetheless....i'm learning.
so while i was gone i got a lot of work done....i didn't have to think too much about myself or my life, just my work and my helping other people.  while i was gone i was teflon, and being non-stick can save your ass, let me tell you!!!  while i was gone i could send feelers out into other worlds to see if i might fit into a different place better than i am fitting in my current location.   while i was gone i tried to give away the farm to help another farm (more of that karma fucking-up thing, having nothing to do with real farms).
so i guess being back means accepting where i am , how i am, why i am....accepting meaning acknowledging in this case (yay for dbt!!).  sounds easy, but it is not remotely so.  however, this is where i am today...and i already need a nap!!  keep the peace...carry it with you wherever you go....let it be your comfort...

Friday, January 4, 2013

Well, We Made It...2013!!!

I just read my last entry, back on December 19th, and I am glad that I shared, hard as it was to do.  The past few weeks have been ones that I will hold on to for as long as I live.  Having my oldest son home for much of the holiday season, and knowing that he'll be staying with us more in the coming weeks, has been and is a comfort to me.  We have had a hard time connecting, and it has come in spurts.  He is very much like his father, thinking that not digging a little deeper is a virtue.  Having his younger brother here for more than a day or two, and yes, I hate it for my younger son, as he gets put into the role of 'voice' for his brother, much like I used to be for my husband, anyway, it has given him a way to speak to me about things he couldn't verbalize in a cohesive way.
One year ago I thought that 2012 would be my year for healing.  I think in some ways that has been the case, but mostly I think it was the year for my family and myself to re-learn to love each other, like each other, respect each other.  I can't say that this was easy or simple, but I can sit here today and I can feel that my heart is lighter, my love is stronger, my pain is, yes, healing has taken place.
I am still trying to love myself.  I look in the mirror and can't say that I love this person that reflects back at me....I am aging, I am overweight, I am in physical pain.  But I have made it a resolution to work on myself, and I hope that I can hold myself to that.  It will be hard.  I am far from where I hoped to be physically by the end of 2012.  This healing is just really getting into gear.  Maybe I couldn't get to the physical until I had really dealt with the mental and emotional pain, and until I got to the place where I could pick through all of it with my family.  I know that we are all in such a better place emotionally.  I feel so glad to have been able to finally get the channels open with each of us and our relationships.  It is the impetus to work on my physical self now, and my own opinion of my physical self.
Now, last year, during the holidays, I just made myself unavailable; this was the only way I knew how to deal with such a broken family as mine had become.  I never even asked if they understood.  I couldn't even go there.  This year, however, we managed to have a wonderful time.  Oddly enough, the quietest day was Christmas day....every other day included something with some or all of the family, and sometimes the extended family as well.  It was so awesome for me.  I learned to appreciate all of it, all of them.  I stayed in the moment and soaked up all the good stuff that I could.  I am so thankful for such a special time.
Yesterday my younger son made it to California...I am so happy for him and them and can't wait till I can visit.  I know they are on a grand adventure, one that I never got the opportunity to have, and I couldn't be more proud of them, their moxie, their faith.  I miss him so much, but I can deal with will be my friend - skyping and texting - we can be together anytime we want!
My older son is on his way to Maryland to work, but he'll be back in a week or so.  He will have lots of things to tell me about....I can't wait!  He and I don't do too well on the phone - we connect better in person, which is okay.
My husband and I have come to a comfortable place, friendship.  Our relationship is very fragile and maybe it will always be.  I am not in love with him.  But I love him as family, and I enjoy our adventures together.  I just don't have anything more to offer him.  So I can't say how 2013 will be for is what it is!
I have yakked enough for one post, huh?  I hope all of my readers take the time to look into their lives and their relationships, and can find things to be grateful for from last year, and things to look forward to in the coming year...and I sincerely hope that you find ways to enjoy each moment, for each one is special in its own way.
If you have any advice regarding my issues with my physical self, I would love to hear from you.
Keep holding on to that hunk of peace, the one you grabbed before 2012 ended, and carried with you into 2013.  Stroke it and feed it and wrap yourself up in is yours...