Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A Lesson From Robin....

I think I've had a hard time figuring out what to say, and how to say, the things that I've experienced lately....in my last post I talked about the universe, the moon, and how apparent its become that there are many things that affect our lives, our feelings our moods, etc., that can't be explained easily, but are there nonetheless. 
The current moon cycle has been full of a very malleable energy, and each and every person that I've discussed it with has had a slightly different experience, based on how they allowed the energy to come through them through their lives.....for me, I worked at using this energy in a positive way, and it has allowed me to truly open my mind and heart even wider, even deeper, than I've ever experienced or given myself over to.  It has left me full of awe and love and a rare perspective, a peaceful optimism about my path and where it is taking me. 
I was truly, deeply shocked and sadly affected by the news yesterday that one of my personal heroes, Robin Williams, had chosen to take his life and exit this world.  I am still unable to participate in the usual day-to-day activities, such as Facebook, looking at any kind of news or really interacting with anyone...I guess I am in mourning, in my own way.  Everything else seems so trivial and superficial that I have no desire to just jump in and talk about stupid shit, or take a survey to see what color of shoes I should wear....stuff like that....I just can't...maybe tomorrow, but not today.
For those of us that have experienced the darkness, the emptiness, the ability to completely dissociate from life in order to do what it takes to end a life....to end one's own life....to say goodbye forever to everything and everyone....well, we know something of how even such a larger-than-life person as Robin Williams could make such a decision.  How it was something he'd likely been contemplating for some time...until some turn of events was just the last one thing, the thing that allowed him to come to the place where he was just done....
I wish that someone had found him in time....the way someone found me just in time, literally, to keep me here.  But that wasn't meant to be, and being a suicide survivor, I can understand that the line is awfully fine between living and dying, and in dying and coming back.... angry and altered and feeling cheated out of something indescribable.  So from that perspective, I truly respect that this man couldn't find any reason to stay on this earth any longer....that it was his choice to leave us all, to leave his family and friends, his legions of fans...but even with that special understanding, I do wish that he had not succeeded.  Its a strange mix of emotions that I feel...not that it matters to anyone but me.  I have to believe that any of you out there that loved Robin Williams, and are also suicide survivors are having similar feelings from the sting of knowing that this awesome man managed to do what we, at one time, so desperately wanted to do.
But, you know, we can't know what tortured him so...maybe someone in his life was a confidante that knows more about his story than we'll ever be privy to...it's not our story, its his story.  And the true story may never be revealed.  I'm sure that it is much to painful for his family to fathom, especially at this point.
I think its important to just be aware of the fact that most people, at some point in their lives, do at least entertain the idea of suicide.  I remember being inundated with people that wanted me to know that they understood, because they had thought about suicide at some time in their life.  And I had to tell them that there is a long and strange and dark journey between thinking about taking your life to getting to the place where you can actually do it.  And that I was glad that they only got as far as thinking about it.  That they don't want to know the place one goes in order to perform the act of suicide.
Please, if you can, if you're at a place where you don't feel too fragile to do so, reach out to other people...let them know that you are there for them, if they ever come to the place where they are contemplating such an act.  I guess its a way to pay it forward, kind of how I feel about this blog...knowing that there are people who read my words and hopefully find help there.  Just because we have tried to die doesn't mean that we aren't capable of helping other people...in fact, I think we are the infinitely qualified beings for just that. 
I think I have said all that I can say today...and I hope that it will inspire you to use your intimate knowledge on the subject and reach out to others who might be in trouble.  The world is full of people who are lonely and depressed and afraid and whose lives can be saved, their thinking changed, however you want to put it....we are our own little army of survivors....and we can help if we choose to....I hope you find help here and I absolutely bid you peace, love and understanding....and implore you to pass it on....thanks!

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Rising Above for a Better View

Its been interesting, these last few weeks, days, hours....as the universe has made its upward shift in the atmosphere, in the hearts and souls of all beings, to the extent that each being will acknowledge and allow the universe to guide them, love them, see that they have whatever it is they need, even when they themselves don't know that that might be or in what form it comes....
I have faced so many strange events of late....things that aren't explainable and so I won't attempt to do that here.  I can say that for every negative thing that comes into your life, you have the power to grab onto that negativity and let it consume you, or you have the power to neutralize and change that negative into a positive...and the transforming of negative energy into positive energy creates a positive energy with such strength...it ripples out into the lives of those around you, without them even knowing where its coming from.
This is a beautiful thing....and the way the universe uses energy through each of us and our actions, our intentions.
I have recently had occasion to have a couple of conversations with my mother, who is not an active participant in my life any longer...my decision to release myself from years of meaning too much to someone, so much that love became sour and tainted and toxic.  From where I am now in this journey, though, I can finally have a conversation from time to time, I think, and not become drawn back in to any of the negativity that so well-defined our prior relationship.   I could tell that my mother, she has grown so much with my absence, inwardly and outwardly exploring her world as I don't think she could do as long as I was a part of it.  I also could tell that she hasn't yet come to terms with the fact that my absence is what has allowed her to find herself, and that I won't ever do anything to interfere with her becoming...even as I could feel the reaching out from her...I know that it would be the wrong to do, for either of us...dangerous, even...and so I had to enjoy being able to share some words and thoughts and concerns with her, with no strings allowed.
It is good to know that from time to time we might be able to do that, with great care, to touch each other's new lives just a little bit, just enough....because it has to be just enough, no more.
I have also been working hard to be here, in this house, with two men who I love very much - my husband and my son - and not allow them to pull me into their need for my attention.  Not that they don't get some of it, of course, but I know that they both would love to pull me into the river of codependency that I don't dare stick a toe in, to even test the water.  I already know all about that river, have been drowned there more than once.  So I am ever vigilant about what I give or maybe more how I give myself to them.  How I always take care to love as fully as I can yet not get sucked into the whirlpool.  I am here for them, though, in all the ways that I can be.  I am no wife, and I know that I probably will never be a wife again.  It carries such negative feelings for me that I just can't do it.  I can be a friend, partner,companion; but I'll never be a wife again.  And as a mother to an adult child, I believe that there are ways I can be of help and ways that I have to step back and watch and hope and yet keep my opinions to myself....and sometimes its hard to get the timing right, I have to admit.  But I am doing the best I can as I continue to figure out my own path, my own becoming.  I realize that these people are all a part of this....of my growing and learning, just as I am a part of theirs.
The universe has kept all of us busy these past few months, weeks, days....yes it has...each new moon is a new experience unfolding, and its fullness becomes a pregnancy of something different, some new lesson, each month, or so it seems to me.  And then the waning is like a long outbreath...a release of whatever had built up so relentlessly until it had to be let out, and let go.  So many lessons...hard to catch except in hindsight, but sometimes while they were happening....big lessons, no matter how seemingly small they appeared.  It has been almost too much to take in at times.  But its just life, really.
Once I figured out that I could unwrap myself from the cloak of all of this change and challenge, and lighten myself enough to float just a little, see the bigger picture, and the cyclical nature of things occurring, it has become so much easier to take in the view, pick it apart, and deal with it as it passes.
And as I sit here, of all songs, what should come on but Wilco's "War on War"...check it out when you get a chance....lyrics like " you have to lose, you have to learn how to die, if you want to learn to be alive"..ahh, well, that Jeff Tweedy speaks to me through so many of his songs....but that was timely for today's blog post, for sure.
Those of us that have lived and died and lived to tell about it...well, we are a little different.  We do have the power to rise up or step back....take everything in from different perspectives when we need to...its a little gift.  I once blogged about seeing the timeline of my old life, and coming to understand how each event shaped me into who I was and also led me toward the deep darkness of suicide.  Now I can do the same with my new life, and see what has gotten me to here, and why, and I can catch glimpses of where I might go, as a journey along my path.  I can also see the threads of others' paths crossing and re-crossing mine...and it is humbling to realize that my path is such a thin, tiny fiber in this big ball of yarn of a universe that we are all part and parcel of.  It is also my great honor to share it with you, and to know that you are all part of my path, too, and I am part of yours.
I hope the message you get from me today is that there are so many forces in the world that shape your life; some of which you're not even supposed to understand, but should have faith in nonetheless, because the universe has been here and will always be here, and you are part of each cycle of change, doing and undoing.  You can choose to look at it under a microscope or from several steps back from the action...but you're here, because you're meant to be here.  If your current view isn't working, change it, get closer, or move back a little, whatever it takes for you to see your part in it all.  If you are like me, and you left this world and came back....were denied the leaving....I know its hard, so hard sometimes, but I'm glad I'm here, and I'm glad you're here, too.  Know that someone is glad you're here....peace to you...