Its been interesting, these last few weeks, days, hours....as the universe has made its upward shift in the atmosphere, in the hearts and souls of all beings, to the extent that each being will acknowledge and allow the universe to guide them, love them, see that they have whatever it is they need, even when they themselves don't know that that might be or in what form it comes....
I have faced so many strange events of late....things that aren't explainable and so I won't attempt to do that here. I can say that for every negative thing that comes into your life, you have the power to grab onto that negativity and let it consume you, or you have the power to neutralize and change that negative into a positive...and the transforming of negative energy into positive energy creates a positive energy with such strength...it ripples out into the lives of those around you, without them even knowing where its coming from.
This is a beautiful thing....and the way the universe uses energy through each of us and our actions, our intentions.
I have recently had occasion to have a couple of conversations with my mother, who is not an active participant in my life any longer...my decision to release myself from years of meaning too much to someone, so much that love became sour and tainted and toxic. From where I am now in this journey, though, I can finally have a conversation from time to time, I think, and not become drawn back in to any of the negativity that so well-defined our prior relationship. I could tell that my mother, she has grown so much with my absence, inwardly and outwardly exploring her world as I don't think she could do as long as I was a part of it. I also could tell that she hasn't yet come to terms with the fact that my absence is what has allowed her to find herself, and that I won't ever do anything to interfere with her becoming...even as I could feel the reaching out from her...I know that it would be the wrong to do, for either of us...dangerous, even...and so I had to enjoy being able to share some words and thoughts and concerns with her, with no strings allowed.
It is good to know that from time to time we might be able to do that, with great care, to touch each other's new lives just a little bit, just enough....because it has to be just enough, no more.
I have also been working hard to be here, in this house, with two men who I love very much - my husband and my son - and not allow them to pull me into their need for my attention. Not that they don't get some of it, of course, but I know that they both would love to pull me into the river of codependency that I don't dare stick a toe in, to even test the water. I already know all about that river, have been drowned there more than once. So I am ever vigilant about what I give or maybe more how I give myself to them. How I always take care to love as fully as I can yet not get sucked into the whirlpool. I am here for them, though, in all the ways that I can be. I am no wife, and I know that I probably will never be a wife again. It carries such negative feelings for me that I just can't do it. I can be a friend, partner,companion; but I'll never be a wife again. And as a mother to an adult child, I believe that there are ways I can be of help and ways that I have to step back and watch and hope and yet keep my opinions to myself....and sometimes its hard to get the timing right, I have to admit. But I am doing the best I can as I continue to figure out my own path, my own becoming. I realize that these people are all a part of this....of my growing and learning, just as I am a part of theirs.
The universe has kept all of us busy these past few months, weeks, days....yes it has...each new moon is a new experience unfolding, and its fullness becomes a pregnancy of something different, some new lesson, each month, or so it seems to me. And then the waning is like a long outbreath...a release of whatever had built up so relentlessly until it had to be let out, and let go. So many lessons...hard to catch except in hindsight, but sometimes while they were happening....big lessons, no matter how seemingly small they appeared. It has been almost too much to take in at times. But its just life, really.
Once I figured out that I could unwrap myself from the cloak of all of this change and challenge, and lighten myself enough to float just a little, see the bigger picture, and the cyclical nature of things occurring, it has become so much easier to take in the view, pick it apart, and deal with it as it passes.
And as I sit here, of all songs, what should come on but Wilco's "War on War"...check it out when you get a chance....lyrics like " you have to lose, you have to learn how to die, if you want to learn to be alive"..ahh, well, that Jeff Tweedy speaks to me through so many of his songs....but that was timely for today's blog post, for sure.
Those of us that have lived and died and lived to tell about it...well, we are a little different. We do have the power to rise up or step back....take everything in from different perspectives when we need to...its a little gift. I once blogged about seeing the timeline of my old life, and coming to understand how each event shaped me into who I was and also led me toward the deep darkness of suicide. Now I can do the same with my new life, and see what has gotten me to here, and why, and I can catch glimpses of where I might go, as a journey along my path. I can also see the threads of others' paths crossing and re-crossing mine...and it is humbling to realize that my path is such a thin, tiny fiber in this big ball of yarn of a universe that we are all part and parcel of. It is also my great honor to share it with you, and to know that you are all part of my path, too, and I am part of yours.
I hope the message you get from me today is that there are so many forces in the world that shape your life; some of which you're not even supposed to understand, but should have faith in nonetheless, because the universe has been here and will always be here, and you are part of each cycle of change, doing and undoing. You can choose to look at it under a microscope or from several steps back from the action...but you're here, because you're meant to be here. If your current view isn't working, change it, get closer, or move back a little, whatever it takes for you to see your part in it all. If you are like me, and you left this world and came back....were denied the leaving....I know its hard, so hard sometimes, but I'm glad I'm here, and I'm glad you're here, too. Know that someone is glad you're here....peace to you...
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