Friday, January 16, 2015

And Now I am Four....

Yep, I made it through my ReBirthday....which for me begins on January 14th and ends on January 15th....a long 24 hours of reflections and growth.  This year it was different, as it seems to be every successive year from the date of my death and rebirth.  
Being in a new home, new state, new relationship, new everything....has definitely allowed me a different kind of perspective than in the previous years.  I can see different choices for my future, as well as being able to see how, even a year ago, events were taking place that would eventually lead me to this new place on my path.  It has been quite the journey, this past year, and it feels pretty good to be settled for now.  I need to be settled for now, that is for sure.  It is harder to embrace than I thought it would be, this being settled.  I am ever so watchful of my role here and I still keep my red flag system at the ready.  I don't know if that kind of safety system ever goes away or changes, can relax, at least with me. I hope that someday I can truly relax, and be myself, because it seems that even when I think I've gotten to that place, I realize that I am not there quite yet....closer, definitely....but not there yet.
But, I think the depression from the holidays and the anticipation of my rebirthday are lifting now.  It has been more of a battle than I expected it to be.  Like I said, I still have a ways to go.  I also have to give myself a break, considering that I relocated to what may as well be a foreign country, only 3 and 1/2 months ago....and we've only had our own house for a month.  I have just had a hard time, as I have had to figure out my place, my role, and also accept these things.  There are good days and bad and in-between....and I have come to realize that part of my problem is that I am NEVER alone.   Hopefully, once winter has passed, I will be able to get outside and garden and do things and not feel quite so trapped.  I don't do so well with 'trapped', as we all know.  I have days when I feel like a chauffeur and a cook and a laundry lady and nothing more.  There are times when I think that I should just get in my truck and head for somewhere else.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time, except maybe its just who I am, how I am.  I've spent so much time being used that I notice normal activities as being taken advantage of instead of just part of life.  I have to work through this somehow....
I spent a great deal of time the past two days reading from my journals.  I came across a few revelations; I can let go of the guilt from leaving my husband....I needed to leave him....and he needed me to leave him....long before I left.  I have done my best to repair the damage done by my suicide, and I can see that it has indeed been taken care of....I have good relationships with my boys, and they can go on with their lives now, as can I.  I have made peace with my mother....on terms we both can live with and be happy about. I am getting ready to start working on my books....which is why I had been going through the journals and other writings....I'm finally feeling ready to face the pages and words and see the progress and the pitfalls and turn all of that information into something that can help other people like me, and people's families and friends.  It will be very cathartic for me....and I feel strong enough, in spite of feeling unsettled, to take these projects on now.
So, I am now four....I can't say at what rate I have been 'growing up', but I think I am at the point of adulthood now....2014 was a year filled with big growing pains, and now I have to assimilate it all and be the woman I never got to be before.  And this is SCARY AS HELL!!!  But its time....I'll be okay, right?  I think ultimately I will be more than just okay....I just have to learn to LIVE this life, this gift that I've been given....
I have also come to a really important place spiritually.  I am starting to really understand who I am inside and how important each moment is....especially since I very easily could not be here....and I am opening myself up to others again, even in this foreign place....the funny thing is, others have begun to be drawn to me again, so I know I'm putting myself out there spiritually for those who might need something from me, even if that something is just a smile.  
I think being four will be good for me.  I still have some digging to do, but I am ready to be open and to get into life.  It is my do-over in motion....and I have to keep my nerve up to stay on this ride instead of thinking I could just jump off....because this ride is my life and its a gift and I have made some wonderful choices that have put great love and commonality in every moment, present and, I will tighten my seat belt and just go with it....why not?
I will be using my journals for some posts in the near much stuff to share that I had forgotten about, and forgotten that the journals were originally going to be the basis of this blog.  So, as I go through them, I'll be sharing with you how it felt then, and how it feels now.  It will be therapeutic for me and hopefully for you, too.  

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

New Year - New Relationships

I've been thinking a great deal over the past few days, as one year ended gracefully and another began just as gracefully, about how the relationships in my life have changed, mostly in a graceful manner, as well.  I talk a lot about how people seem to fall away, enter and re-enter one's life, etc.
Given the fact that I've moved on with my life and truly feel like I'm at a wonderful and expansive place in my blessed "do-over", its interesting to reflect on the people involved.  I know that the radical way that I 'moved on' has been a shock to some folks....that's okay....change is like this.  There is no way to move on without leaving things behind.  There is no way to end or amend relationships without causing pain and a feeling of loss.  These are just the facts of life.  But, even though I feel like some people have dropped out of my life 'unjustly', I can understand.  I have dropped out of other people's lives in the same way....this is a two-way street kind of thing.  It is what it is....
I feel blessed....
One of the biggest blessings is being able to have a new relationship with my mother.  She and I have been through many dark times and have caused each other pain and grief.  We have also lived through many good times and have given each other much joy and love.  I think the factors: our being separated by about 1800 miles, our individual spiritual growth, my personal 'growing up' and having adult relationships in which I shun anything remotely associated with codependency, and her 'getting a life'.....have all contributed to our being able to grow closer.  I also know that this particular relationship works now because we have both grown so much.  I know, though, that my absence from my mother's life for a few years was the thing that allowed her growth, and I won't ever do anything to get in the way of that.  But having her in my life again is a beautiful thing and I treasure it immensely.  I'm sure there are people who will never understand how I could allow this relationship to even exist....not my problem. 
I am still unsure how my relationships with my boys will shake out....but I feel that we are all adults now and I know that they love me and will be happy that I am happy.  It has to be hard for them, though, to know the effect that my leaving their father had on him.  They have both had to witness what I have not.  I love my husband, not like a lover, but like a friend and family member.  I don't think he will ever forgive my leaving, though.  It doesn't matter that our marriage has been over for a long, long time....its all about, to him, in his mind, that I left him for another man.  I didn't leave him for another man....I left him for myself, and because our marriage was a sham, broken beyond repair....but he has to have someone to tie blame to....and so, again, it is what it is.  I just hate it for my boys....they love both of us....and it will be interesting to see how they feel when they get to know my partner better and see my simple happiness.  I hope that they will be the accepting people that I worked so hard to raise them to be.....time will tell, I suppose.
I know that I've lost a few good friends.....some temporarily and some probably forever.....but that is what happens when one does something radical.  I lost a few friends when I committed suicide, too....some temporarily and some forever....and from that I learned that life goes on, and those who truly love you and want to be part of your life will be there....and others will fall away.  My decision to leave and start a new life elsewhere, with a new family, and to basically go after happiness and love....well, that is something that each person takes differently, I'm sure....not my problem.
I wouldn't trade my relationship with my partner for anything....that is the honest truth....its great to be in love and be an adult and have a real relationship and partnership that's based on real trust and pure love.  I am surprised daily by the ease of it.  I didn't know that life could be like this....and I'm damned glad that I took the chance, the leap of faith, to get here.  I would hate to think that I would have missed this experience, this relationship....and I know that it is something that can't be completely explained to most people, but the closeness and intensity and complete comfort that we share is priceless beyond words.  I hope that the Universe will continue to smile upon us, and that we'll get to have a long life together, grow old together, and have the gift of time and health on our side. 
My budding relationship with my 'daughter' is another huge gift to me.  It means so much to me that she accepts me in her life and that there is no resentment, no snarkiness, just gladness at the chance to have a loving home and people who aren't going to abandon her the way her mother did.  I am so happy that I'm able to be here for her, with her, and show her what true love and genuine affection look like before she heads off into adulthood.  So, as much as I feel our relationship is a gift to me, I know that I am giving her a gift as well.  This is a huge part of why I moved my life 1800 miles....and I don't regret it.
As a suicide survivor, I have had to deal with so many kinds of relationships and the impact that my death/life has had on them, not to mention the time and effort it took to repair so many important ties.  It has taught me many, many lessons about human nature, forgiveness, acceptance, judgement....many lessons, indeed.  I'm sure that if you are also a survivor, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  If you're a loved one of a survivor, you know, as well.  There are things that can't be changed or taken back or ever fixed.  There are also many opportunities to establish new relationships, revamp existing ones, end those that have been outgrown....
I welcome 2015....and the chance to have 'new' relationships of all flavors.  I hope that you'll take the chance to do the can't have too many friends, loved ones, etc.  You get to decide what kind of relationships work in your life and what don' have choices, and you have the capacity to accept other people's choices.  Embrace all the love and joy that you can....revel in those you can truly trust....don't dwell too long on those who fall'll be okay....the Universe has plans for you!