Thursday, January 24, 2013

While I Was Gone....

okay, i stole the title from a book by sue miller, but it is kind of descriptive of where i've been and how i feel about it.  so many things happen so quickly sometimes.  it can boggle a sane person, so imagine where that leaves me....
so far this year i have had the opportunity to eke out a relationship of some kind with my mother....i'm sure that this will be a slow process, and i will work at it only as long as i feel safe.  i am sure it is confusing for her....i have little 'love and care' to offer anyone right now.  i also have no desire to receive any.  i am trying to fix me and that is enough for now, coupled with my art and the obligations that i have to my beasts.
i will say that our first real time together, my mother and myself, left me extremely shell-shocked (for lack of a better description), mentally exhausted. this is not so bad, considering how used to feel after spending time with i had been picked clean and scattered by buzzards.  sad, i know.  i didn't know then...i just felt it and believed that was what we i know that relationships aren't supposed to leave you as roadkill.
i have gotten a great deal out of my dbt training, and it has become a part of me, deep down inside.  this is such a wonderful thing, after two years of trying to absorb the skills necessary to be in control of my own life.   i know that the universe has part of that going on too.  that's okay.
i think i am just so busy learning so many lessons on so many levels from so many sources, and on and on, that i am having to work really hard to keep up.  i have noticed that i am a few steps behind right now, and i am doing damage control for the things i have done thoughtfully but thoughtlessly, things that directly affect my karma.  I am such a slow learner in this area of my self.  but i'm learning, nonetheless....i'm learning.
so while i was gone i got a lot of work done....i didn't have to think too much about myself or my life, just my work and my helping other people.  while i was gone i was teflon, and being non-stick can save your ass, let me tell you!!!  while i was gone i could send feelers out into other worlds to see if i might fit into a different place better than i am fitting in my current location.   while i was gone i tried to give away the farm to help another farm (more of that karma fucking-up thing, having nothing to do with real farms).
so i guess being back means accepting where i am , how i am, why i am....accepting meaning acknowledging in this case (yay for dbt!!).  sounds easy, but it is not remotely so.  however, this is where i am today...and i already need a nap!!  keep the peace...carry it with you wherever you go....let it be your comfort...

Friday, January 4, 2013

Well, We Made It...2013!!!

I just read my last entry, back on December 19th, and I am glad that I shared, hard as it was to do.  The past few weeks have been ones that I will hold on to for as long as I live.  Having my oldest son home for much of the holiday season, and knowing that he'll be staying with us more in the coming weeks, has been and is a comfort to me.  We have had a hard time connecting, and it has come in spurts.  He is very much like his father, thinking that not digging a little deeper is a virtue.  Having his younger brother here for more than a day or two, and yes, I hate it for my younger son, as he gets put into the role of 'voice' for his brother, much like I used to be for my husband, anyway, it has given him a way to speak to me about things he couldn't verbalize in a cohesive way.
One year ago I thought that 2012 would be my year for healing.  I think in some ways that has been the case, but mostly I think it was the year for my family and myself to re-learn to love each other, like each other, respect each other.  I can't say that this was easy or simple, but I can sit here today and I can feel that my heart is lighter, my love is stronger, my pain is, yes, healing has taken place.
I am still trying to love myself.  I look in the mirror and can't say that I love this person that reflects back at me....I am aging, I am overweight, I am in physical pain.  But I have made it a resolution to work on myself, and I hope that I can hold myself to that.  It will be hard.  I am far from where I hoped to be physically by the end of 2012.  This healing is just really getting into gear.  Maybe I couldn't get to the physical until I had really dealt with the mental and emotional pain, and until I got to the place where I could pick through all of it with my family.  I know that we are all in such a better place emotionally.  I feel so glad to have been able to finally get the channels open with each of us and our relationships.  It is the impetus to work on my physical self now, and my own opinion of my physical self.
Now, last year, during the holidays, I just made myself unavailable; this was the only way I knew how to deal with such a broken family as mine had become.  I never even asked if they understood.  I couldn't even go there.  This year, however, we managed to have a wonderful time.  Oddly enough, the quietest day was Christmas day....every other day included something with some or all of the family, and sometimes the extended family as well.  It was so awesome for me.  I learned to appreciate all of it, all of them.  I stayed in the moment and soaked up all the good stuff that I could.  I am so thankful for such a special time.
Yesterday my younger son made it to California...I am so happy for him and them and can't wait till I can visit.  I know they are on a grand adventure, one that I never got the opportunity to have, and I couldn't be more proud of them, their moxie, their faith.  I miss him so much, but I can deal with will be my friend - skyping and texting - we can be together anytime we want!
My older son is on his way to Maryland to work, but he'll be back in a week or so.  He will have lots of things to tell me about....I can't wait!  He and I don't do too well on the phone - we connect better in person, which is okay.
My husband and I have come to a comfortable place, friendship.  Our relationship is very fragile and maybe it will always be.  I am not in love with him.  But I love him as family, and I enjoy our adventures together.  I just don't have anything more to offer him.  So I can't say how 2013 will be for is what it is!
I have yakked enough for one post, huh?  I hope all of my readers take the time to look into their lives and their relationships, and can find things to be grateful for from last year, and things to look forward to in the coming year...and I sincerely hope that you find ways to enjoy each moment, for each one is special in its own way.
If you have any advice regarding my issues with my physical self, I would love to hear from you.
Keep holding on to that hunk of peace, the one you grabbed before 2012 ended, and carried with you into 2013.  Stroke it and feed it and wrap yourself up in is yours...