okay, i stole the title from a book by sue miller, but it is kind of descriptive of where i've been and how i feel about it. so many things happen so quickly sometimes. it can boggle a sane person, so imagine where that leaves me....
so far this year i have had the opportunity to eke out a relationship of some kind with my mother....i'm sure that this will be a slow process, and i will work at it only as long as i feel safe. i am sure it is confusing for her....i have little 'love and care' to offer anyone right now. i also have no desire to receive any. i am trying to fix me and that is enough for now, coupled with my art and the obligations that i have to my beasts.
i will say that our first real time together, my mother and myself, left me extremely shell-shocked (for lack of a better description), mentally exhausted. this is not so bad, considering how used to feel after spending time with her...like i had been picked clean and scattered by buzzards. sad, i know. i didn't know then...i just felt it and believed that was what we had...now i know that relationships aren't supposed to leave you as roadkill.
i have gotten a great deal out of my dbt training, and it has become a part of me, deep down inside. this is such a wonderful thing, after two years of trying to absorb the skills necessary to be in control of my own life. i know that the universe has part of that going on too. that's okay.
i think i am just so busy learning so many lessons on so many levels from so many sources, and on and on, that i am having to work really hard to keep up. i have noticed that i am a few steps behind right now, and i am doing damage control for the things i have done thoughtfully but thoughtlessly, things that directly affect my karma. I am such a slow learner in this area of my self. but i'm learning, nonetheless....i'm learning.
so while i was gone i got a lot of work done....i didn't have to think too much about myself or my life, just my work and my helping other people. while i was gone i was teflon, and being non-stick can save your ass, let me tell you!!! while i was gone i could send feelers out into other worlds to see if i might fit into a different place better than i am fitting in my current location. while i was gone i tried to give away the farm to help another farm (more of that karma fucking-up thing, having nothing to do with real farms).
so i guess being back means accepting where i am , how i am, why i am....accepting meaning acknowledging in this case (yay for dbt!!). sounds easy, but it is not remotely so. however, this is where i am today...and i already need a nap!! keep the peace...carry it with you wherever you go....let it be your comfort...