Monday, February 11, 2013

Waking Up....

I admit that I have been reluctant to blog due to my only computer being an e-book...but I am getting used to the keyboard and feel better about trying to type on such a tiny thing.  Of course, I want to touch the screen and make magic happen, like on my smart phone, but I have to type, so I will!
I don't even know where to begin...I just reread my last blog entry, and it was definitely a harbinger of things to come.  I finally found the courage to leave my husband of 29 years, although I considered myself unmarried from the time I woke up in the hospital post-suicide.  I am doing very well, and I realize that I have mourned the end of this marriage for years now, which I attribute to why I feel as I do.  I feel sad for my husband, but it was way past time for me to go.  I know that somewhere inside himself he knows that, too.  I left on January 28th.  I have since found a place to live, purely by serendipity, with an old and dear friend who I haven't had much contact with over the past few years, as we have both been going through our own dramas.  /She has grown and changed, as I have grown and changed, and she is helping me so much more than she could ever me a place to land, my own space, and as much nurturing as I need.  It is a miracle to me just to be here!  I feel so very blessed!
Now, my husband, he has had a hard time dealing with how my leaving has called on him to grow up for himself, finally...he was complaining about this last Wednesday, when I met him for dinner....well, the universe, it doesn't like to be dismissed when it is trying to help on Friday he lost his explanation, nothing... a big kick in the ass by the universe....
I have suffered the ass-kickings myself and my advice to him is to shut up and listen to what the world is trying to tell you!  I know I have worked hard to hear what the universe is trying to tell me...I understand that there are consequences for lack of attention!
I am actually in a position at the moment where his issues don't have to directly affect me...and I am cautious as to how and what I offer him...I don't want my issues to affect him, either. 
I watch, I listen, I keep my ear to the ground, and my head out of the clouds.....cautious! 
I am settling in to my new place, trying to get back to work, as the months are rolling by and I need to get some inventory built up.  I have had some opportunities appear on my horizon, and I will be exploring them very soon.  I have had to do alot of growing up and settling down and figuring out here in the last few weeks, so now I cautiously proceed...I feel peaceful, in spite of the turmoil that would latch on to me if I let it.  It is not my turmoil to least it doesn't seem to be...I will keep seeking the peaceful and the do the same!

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