Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014 - A Year of Living Dangerously?

Well, what do you do with a title like that?  
I have to say, this year has been so full of fast-paced insanity and slow-paced waiting...so many things have happened, changed, not happened....seems like nothing was ever what it started out to be.  
And what would make that dangerous, you ask?  Well, for a suicide survivor, danger is always there.  Because we make the conscious decision to stay in this world and find out what happens in a given situation, or not.  Every day, all the time!  That's just how it is, at least how its been for me.  
I think back to the first part of this year, when I was surrounded by my 'kids' and trying to figure out what I should do with my life....watching each of them, in turn, make life-altering decisions....while I felt stuck with a life I didn't want....a marriage I couldn't fit into anymore....a project (the farm and the idea of farming as a way of living) I didn't really start or finish, yet worked my ass off to keep going until I couldn't see the point any longer....friends that I could and couldn't count on....a love that I tried my best to let go of and found out that this was just not something I could stand to live without....and on and on....
I know that it was a year of feeling so damned defeated over and over again.  There were many dark times.  Yet it was also a year of finding myself, figuring out why I didn't die, what the Universe really had in store for me, and realizing that I had the power and the choice to do and be who I am....and the right to live the life I wanted for myself, as opposed to staying in a stagnant pretense of a marriage, doing work that I didn't want to do, etc.  
In the end, I have found peace and joy.  I see hope on the horizon and feel it in my heart. I have journeyed internally and externally along my true path, and lived to tell about it.  I have faced demons literally and metaphorically and come through a stronger, more confident person.  I have had relationships fall away and relationships be renewed and rebuilt.  
I am happy.  Tomorrow could bring anything, but it won't change the fact that I'm happy.  I realize that being happy is really what makes life worth living.  I also realize that it can be a very unpopular thing....there are many people that thrive on other people's unhappiness....that don't know how to be happy for someone, even someone they care deeply about, when that someone has taken that leap of faith and found happiness and peace.  Maybe they are afraid to do it for themselves and so they don't really like to see someone else find what they can't seem to, no matter how hard they try. I can't say...I am not that kind of person.  
But I have seen, and really paid attention to it this year, that there are so many unhappy people....looking for answers but unable to find what they seek.  They are living dangerously, I think.  I realize that there are so many who are on the brink of depression, or already there, and who may decide that life is no longer worth living.  Dangerous....at least from where I sit.  Maybe because I've been there, even as recently as a month ago or so, and I know exactly how it can turn from feeling bad to just being ready to give up.  I feel lucky, believe it or not, that I have lived and died and lived again, and that I know the signs, have the red flags in place, recognize the beginnings of dissociation from what is, and can steer myself through the darkness that comes unbidden until I find something positive to grasp to get me back into the light.  
Has this been a year of living dangerously?  Absolutely....and it seems that it has been this way for pretty much everyone that I know....in some way or another.  This year's instability, for lack of a better description, has put many people in situations that may have been over their head....because everything seems to have been magnified; and every change, of which their were many, was a BIG one.  It has not been a subtle year, that's for sure.  
I'm hopeful that we have all gotten through 2014 fairly unscathed.  I think many people will carry the scars from such a volatile succession of changes, and I hope that as they look at those scars they will be reminded of the fortitude that they found within themselves to deal with such volatility and uncertainty as we have all gone through in these past 12 months.  I hope that we can see that we are all stronger and better for what we've endured, and that the changes to our lives have been necessary if we are to survive in this crazy world.  Sometimes living dangerously is just the way it is....and its better than not living, literally or metaphorically....living through 'dangerous' times may seem dire at the time; but as I look back, I can see that the changes and choices and chances which seemed so dangerous and scary and sometimes downright impossible have all ended up okay, and have left me with scars that I can look at and smile at, and be glad that I experienced the 'danger', because I also experienced the 'living', and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  
I hope this year's end brings peace to you, as it has to me....and that you can see the gifts, the good parts, and take those forward into the year ahead....namaste....

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

So This is Christmas....

Its hard to believe that its Christmas again....and for many of us, its not a time of great joy and fond memories.  I know that I am having a particularly difficult time staying out of the pit of depression, so I imagine that many of you are feeling likewise.  Don't panic!  Its quite normal....even regular people get depressed during the holidays.  And why not?   After all, it is driven by the need to find perfect presents and have perfect experiences.  
I have had so many less-than-perfect holiday experiences that I shun the idea of even attempting 'jolly' and other things synonymous with this time of year.  I am happy just to not be crying or completely enveloped in darkness.  I was definitely headed there earlier this month, as recently as last week; and then I remembered that I have every right to feel the way I do about the 'holidays', and that I also have every right to medicate myself properly, so that I can get through these coming days.  
I look back on the holiday season of 2010, the one before my suicide.  Well, I can't honestly say that I 'look back' because I don't remember much about it....apparently I was already dissociated from everything and everyone and spent most of the time in a drunken stupor, depressed and sad and tearful and seeing that I didn't want any part of the holidays, which had become nothing more to me than a season of one disappointing thing after another.  So I chose to stay as anesthetized as I could.  And, because I was a pro at dissociation, I had no trouble convincing most of the people around me that I was just fine, just partying, just going through the motions laid down by our family's traditions....and those who saw through my ruse and attempted to help me found that there was no way to do that.  I think I was already too far gone, and even I didn't know it yet.  
Here I am, and its 2014....I have had a helluva year, for sure....just by virtue of the fact that I've relocated my life 1800 miles from family and friends, started a new relationship with the one person in the world that I truly trust completely, 'adopted' a teenage daughter, and spent every last penny that I had to my name to get here and take this chance on a new beginning.  It is still terrifying, to say the least.
Yes, I've been depressed.  I have been unavailable.  I have dragged my sad ass out of the stupor and made myself take my meds and try to at least be HERE.  I know that being HERE is the antidote for dissociating.  So I am working hard to stay HERE.  
There is so much positive that is taking place: we have our new home, and it feels good!!  I have set up my new studio space, and also my desk with computer for writing and blogging and helping my partner with our business.  We have our own room, and Jay has her own room, and we have a positive outlook for the coming year as far as our businesses go.  
I know that when someone is depressed, they don't see the positive in anything...or if they do they just don't care enough to allow it to lift them up.  Depression is a truly harsh mistress...she will suck every last bit of energy and motivation out of the strongest among us. So I address this post to all of you who find yourselves depressed or getting depressed or thinking of the dreaded 'S'!  I know that this time of year brings on more suicides and attempted suicides than any other.  
I want you to know that you aren't alone.  If you have no one else, please, feel free to contact me via email or through the blog's comment section.  I will be here.  I am always available to anyone who needs to know that they're not alone, or to anyone who is heavy-hearted due to having lost someone to suicide and just need to talk to someone who can understand.  I can be that person.  I have been that person for many people.  It is my job to be that person for you, whoever you are, whatever your situation.  So PLEASE don't be standoffish or afraid...I'm here....and of course, there are local organizations that you can contact, places you can go....but sometimes that is just too much....because when you get truly depressed, it takes too much effort to do most everything.  
I AM HERE!!!!  And I want you to know that I am more than happy to just listen....no judgements, no advice (unless you want it), no hassle....I just have big ears and big shoulders and I am not afraid to hear your story, ease your burden, just be there for you.  I AM HERE!
I will be blogging more frequently now that I have a computer.  I will be checking for correspondence....
I hope you have a good Christmas Eve....I am going to make something and play my guitar and do a little cleaning and just try to keep myself occupied with the day-t0-day so that I can stay HERE.  I will be back tomorrow and I will be checking periodically throughout the day and night....and you can email me at sheynascv@gmail.com or text me at 720-526-1306 if you need to reach out...I AM HERE!!!!  
Much love and hope and healing to you today.....

Friday, December 5, 2014

Miracles Abound...

It has taken me a few days to get back to writing.  So much has come to pass and is still in the offing that its hard to put things down into words, for fear that it will somehow 'jinx' something...but no, I will keep the faith, the trust, the positivity.
Facing the idea of being thrown out of our 'home', a basement, really got me freaked out to the point of finally just giving up and giving in and putting myself into the hands of my love and of the Universe. There was certainly no wind left in my sails.
Having to make a decision....to leave this state and return to NC...to take a heartbroken freshman out of high school mid-year....seemed like the only answer for us, as we could find nothing to rent in this town.  Nothing...
Enter the miracles....
A house that a neighbor's family owns and is being vacated as I type....what will be our new and first real home together as a newly formed family....was dropped into our laps about five minutes before we were going to reserve a u-haul trailer for the journey eastward.  Our limited budget and urgent time constraint seemed something that would make this house impossible, too...so we waited....and as it turned out, every single thing came together and unless something unthinkable happens, we'll be in our new home this time next week.
A surprise phone call from someone who was wanting to help us monetarily...a few minutes before we were set to call him.
A reprieve from our 'landlord' from being evicted and being forced to seek shelter during the interim between the end of November and the move-in date to our new place.
I have always believed in miracles....have seen so many things that can't be explained....and I can't express enough gratitude for the angels that have come to our rescue and for the Universe's generosity.
I know that it is a miracle in itself that I'm alive and undamaged from the big "S" in 2011.  I know that I had heavy karmic dues to pay, and pay I have, for taking my own life and hurting so many people.  I also know that I have a job to do out in the world.  I have books to write that will hopefully help  a lot of people.  I have good deeds to do, people to help, projects to finish, and as many other ways as I can come up with to fight the good fight in this world that I was not meant to leave.
Right now, every day is a miracle to me....every moment a precious reminder that life is what you make it, no matter your surroundings or situation.  I realize more than ever that I have purpose; that I count.  And I hold my breath that nothing will fall through....that we will have our home soon....and I can get busy with life again instead of feeling like I'm just existing.
Many people spent the month of November giving thanks for something each day.  I had to work hard to find those 'somethings', as all people do when things in their lives become too dire, too stressful, too seemingly impossible.  But I have kept my gratitude, my appreciation, my hope....and I will continue to be grateful every day and to try and do something good, meaningful, special...even if it seems mundane and negligible....because I know that no act of goodness or kindness is lost on the world.
My point today....miracles exist....the Universe does listen....so please, pay attention.....be willing to be humble, and grateful, for even the smallest things.  Just as each of us is significant, each little thing we do, we give, we receive....is significant as well.
So I am carefully sharing my miracles with you....so that, in case you weren't aware, you can see that miracles do happen, and that they can happen to anyone.  I think the key is gratitude....for all that you have and all that you don't have....be grateful....be humble....be happy!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

You Gotta Have Faith. ..

Life is rolling along. ...The road is a bit bumpy at the moment. ...we are trying to find a new place to live and this has proven to be an incredibly daunting task.   But we are doing our best to keep our spirits up and not lose hope. ..to continue to be positive in a very negative environment.   Hard stuff. ...
I still want to stress that gratitude is the most important part of keeping positive energy flowing. ..In the face of so much negativity. ..so many roadblocks. ...being grateful for what you already have. ...even if it is next to nothing. ..you have yourself,  and you have people that care about you. ...and you have your faith. ..whether it be religious faith, faith in the universe,  faith in yourself and your loved ones. ...faith period! 
During this rough patch on my path I have had to come to terms with my inner self. ...The 'S' box, for example. ...and my fear of trusting someone besides myself. I have had to allow myself to put my faith and trust in the man I love. ...and he's a really good man and we have a monumental love. ..yet it wasn't easy for me to just put my faith in him....not his fault. ...just my issue (can't imagine where that comes from. ...lol!)
I will say that it takes a whole lot of realizing the Buddhist concept that there is no ground under our feet. ...no safety net....that we have to trust in the here and now and that the universe will see to guiding us on this seemingly pathless path toward what is best....a BIG chunk of trust.  So I have had to practice this concept. ....and it is not easy.   Also the concept of non-doing. .. .as mostly all I can do is wait, and put out all the positive energy that I can muster that everything will work out and be "okay"....
Starting a new life is full of roadblocks, detours, and surprises. ...but, if its where you want to be, then you figure out how to handle the inevitable chaos. ...and you keep the faith! 
I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving.....namaste! 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Thanks, Dear Friend!

And its a new day....another opportunity to take things out and look at them and appreciate all of the gifts and blessings of this life.
Its funny, but even as I sit here, not knowing where I'll be sitting a couple of weeks from now, I am grateful. I can feel nothing but gratitude to the Universe for being given this chance to live my life.  I am no cheerleader; anyone who knows me would probably question that, as I cheer regularly for those who can't, and send love and healing to those who need it, even when I don't know what my circumstances could be tomorrow.  But I know that the only answer ever to any problem is love and gratitude for what I already have.
As I stated yesterday in my blog post, I know that the "S" box is there....maybe it will always be there...not as a possible solution, but as a gentle reminder of how effed up things can become and how twisted the mind can make things if one isn't aware of oneself.  So I choose to stay "alert and grateful", as a dear, dear friend of mind reminded me yesterday.
I am blessed to have several friends that I have known most of my life.  I don't see any of them often and don't hear from most of them on a regular basis.  I am grateful, though, that one of my oldest and dearest and closest friends is now a couple of thousand miles closer to me, and we have begun to rekindle our sisterhood.  Last night we messaged a while and then ended up talking on the phone.  It was great to be reminded of the fact that we survived our childhoods.  We had very different ones, yet we were bound by the things we knew about each other; not just what we could express to each other at the time....the things we silently observed about each other's lives; and now we can discuss those things that we were forbidden to say as children.  I appreciate this friendship...it lifts me up in a way that can't really be put into words....the intimacy that most people never experience....because most childhood friendships fall away.  Most people don't want to be reminded of their pasts and their roots and the way their childhood shaped them into who they are today.
But the thing is, we can't truly grow up and go forward until we can reconcile the past, forgive those who hurt us, whether knowingly or cluelessly, and move on.  So, being able to have someone that I can actually talk with and examine events or situations and gain perspective...its just priceless.  I know she feels the same way.  We give so much to each other...so much insight into why we are the way we are, what we learned from each other and the other people in our lives...I could go on and on....but the point is, it is a huge gift to have a friend like I do.  It was very healing for me to spend time talking with her last night.  I needed it, too! And I know it was the same for her....that we are a blessing for each other now, whereas there was a time when our relationship ran one-way, as many of my old relationships seemed to go.  And as we were talking, she clued me in on the fact that I was 'that person' for her, and for my mother, and for my husband, and probably for others, too....'that person' that somehow they 'had to be' attached to.....which made me come to realize that all of that fucked up codependence that was laid on me until it broke me....it was thought of as some important gift that I 'gave'....even as it ate me alive.  Wow!  What a revelation!
Now I am no longer a receptacle for that kind of energy....even though I know so much about so many people and I am a voluntary beacon for the Universe ....I know how I can help people and how I can un-damage them.....I also know how to help people and be there for them while at the same time being able to shield myself from any negativity or misdirected ills.  I guess somehow the Universe found a way to show me how to use all of that 'training' from my first life...to morph it into the energy that I put out into the world now....and I am grateful for the reminder that without those unpleasant, destructive relationships I wouldn't be who I am now...and I wouldn't know how to do my job the right way and with the right intention, which is everything....
There are so many opportunities for gratitude....and so many surprises in that we can take something that was once a burden and may have killed us and turn it into something to be grateful for and to use as 'experience' as we traverse our lives, our paths....appreciate every little thing....for there's a lesson in there somewhere to be mined when the time is right....maybe because a good friend reminds you that the worst parts of  'where you came from' can become the best parts of who you grow up to be....
I'll close with a quote I saw this morning on Facebook....an affirmation:  "I love the person I've become because I fought to become her."  Yeah......namaste....

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The "S" Box

Well, I guess it must seem like I have fallen off the earth again...nothing could be farther from the truth...geographically, at least.  I have relocated to Colorado, near the mile-high city of Denver.  It is beautiful here, with the mountains always within view, even though they're really about 45 minutes away.  I have been here for two months now.  I have been stuck in a very unproductive and uncreative environment...it takes all of my gifts just to stay positive and be able to focus on sending love and healing to those who need such from me.  
To say that starting over with a new life, a new partner and family, in a foreign place with foreign people, is just the least bit daunting would be an understatement.
But I am doing my best to stay on the bright side and I realize that my lessons here are about trust and patience and faith and how true love fits into all of my lessons....maybe to the point of complicating everything.  I don't think that its a negative complication, just that it is so different to have in my life as something that I consider when thinking of other things. It was easier by far to consider a reality of myself in a tiny house or camper, alone, doing my work and living a simple and peaceful life on my own.  Making the commitment to be with someone else changes all of that.  Making the commitment to be a part of a young person's life, one who needs and wants me in her life, changes all of that, too.  I might otherwise have already given up.  But I don't feel like I've given this life a chance and want to find out what it would be like to have this life under more peaceful living conditions....a home of our own.  
It seems like I have spent so much of the past couple of years being more of a transient being....physically, environmentally, and spiritually.  I thought I was doing well with my spiritual path, but at the moment it is hard for me to devote enough of myself to my spiritual life.  I hope that will improve once we have our own space and I can have the privacy and space to study and to meditate, to connect better with the Universe that I look to for guidance and support and love and understanding.  
Right now, I just feel such a need to keep my concentration on manifesting the energy to see things through...find a home for us, get started on my books, be able to make art, help with the business and become a partner to my dear one.  And so that is where my focus lies at the moment.  I am forced to have faith and trust in another person for my needs.  This isn't easy for me, but I trust this man more than any other person I've ever known, much less loved.....and so I am trying very hard to keep that as an open channel in my heart and soul.  It really isn't easy....not for someone like me.  
I have found that throughout my time here, I have had to deal with many fears of many kinds....not the least of which is that after all of this time and everything I've been through, the good old "S" has come back to rear its ugly head on a regular basis. I know this is my ultimate 'way out'....for me it is always going to be there.  I hate it, and I make myself examine the idea that its still such a part of me, especially when I reach a certain level of despair and hopelessness. My fears come with their own tagline: 'you can always leave this world'....I honestly thought and/or hoped that I had gotten past the idea that I can always just end things if necessary.  But its there....a little reminder that if it turns out that this world just isn't for me, after all of the work and energy that I have put in to knowing otherwise, I can make a graceful and swift exit.  And this is so fucking scary....that I still feel this way!  I guess the truth is that for me, and maybe for all of us that have tried and failed to leave this life, we will always know that it is just another viable solution...a special path that we can't forget about as an option....whether it be to escape the mundane things or to release ourselves from things that we don't want to or can't bear to face.....for me:  poverty, homelessness, hunger, pain.  
Is there a moral to this post?  Probably - probably simply that it never goes away, does it? Its always an option somewhere in each of our minds, that pops up unbidden to see if we are perhaps interested in revisiting such horror....
I hope that some day I can truly say that it never, ever crosses my mind, no matter how bad or dire or sad or hopeless things become.  But unfortunately I am not there. I want to be there, I really do, but I have to be honest with myself and with you, dear readers, that it lurks somewhere in my psyche and is rarely not included as a possibility in times of trouble. 
The good news is that I am able to take out my fears and feelings and 'hold' them in my hands and examine them, searching and conversing with the Universe about the true meaning of my feelings.  I can take out the "S" box and open it and look at all my tools of destruction and what I could do with them....I can imagine myself exiting this world once and for all...I can decide that I don't want to, that I want to stick it out, to build a happy and peaceful life with my partner.  That I can trust him and put my faith in him and in myself and see this through.  It seems that I do this often right now......purely circumstancial, I know, given the current situation.  I ask the Universe for strength and love and patience and faith many times a day.  I ask the Universe for understanding and the ability to be understanding with others.  I ask the Universe for any help and guidance it can give me in how to manifest whatever it takes to lead obtaining a home and being able to make it a home of love and peace and joy and creativity and giving.  I am trying very, very hard!!  I want a simple life, a happy life, with my new partner.  I don't ask for more....other than to somehow be able to release the negativity of feeling like a burden and the fear that I have made a mistake by trying to be happy....the negative feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing.  
I don't know if I am again paying some karmic dues, or if I'm caught in the crossfire of other people in the process of paying theirs. Perhaps its all in my mind.  I am hanging in there as hard as I can, though....I'm not ready to give up and lose my chance at being whole and happy.  I am just having a terribly hard time dealing with this part of my journey....I guess the key here is that I recognize all of my feelings for exactly what they are and I know I have the power to deal with them.  I just wonder if things ever become less difficult, less onerous.  I don't know....but I'm here...hopefully soon I'll be in the home I envision and can start living again instead of treading water in someone else's murk. 
I only ask, dear readers, that you send me any positive energy and support that you might have to spare right now.  I truly appreciate it with all of my heart.  I'll be back to posting regularly now and I will share some more positive stories and insights.  Today I just feel the need to be blunt and humble and ask for all the goodness that can be manifested....thanks so much....namaste!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A Lesson From Robin....

I think I've had a hard time figuring out what to say, and how to say, the things that I've experienced lately....in my last post I talked about the universe, the moon, and how apparent its become that there are many things that affect our lives, our feelings our moods, etc., that can't be explained easily, but are there nonetheless. 
The current moon cycle has been full of a very malleable energy, and each and every person that I've discussed it with has had a slightly different experience, based on how they allowed the energy to come through them through their lives.....for me, I worked at using this energy in a positive way, and it has allowed me to truly open my mind and heart even wider, even deeper, than I've ever experienced or given myself over to.  It has left me full of awe and love and a rare perspective, a peaceful optimism about my path and where it is taking me. 
I was truly, deeply shocked and sadly affected by the news yesterday that one of my personal heroes, Robin Williams, had chosen to take his life and exit this world.  I am still unable to participate in the usual day-to-day activities, such as Facebook, looking at any kind of news or really interacting with anyone...I guess I am in mourning, in my own way.  Everything else seems so trivial and superficial that I have no desire to just jump in and talk about stupid shit, or take a survey to see what color of shoes I should wear....stuff like that....I just can't...maybe tomorrow, but not today.
For those of us that have experienced the darkness, the emptiness, the ability to completely dissociate from life in order to do what it takes to end a life....to end one's own life....to say goodbye forever to everything and everyone....well, we know something of how even such a larger-than-life person as Robin Williams could make such a decision.  How it was something he'd likely been contemplating for some time...until some turn of events was just the last one thing, the thing that allowed him to come to the place where he was just done....
I wish that someone had found him in time....the way someone found me just in time, literally, to keep me here.  But that wasn't meant to be, and being a suicide survivor, I can understand that the line is awfully fine between living and dying, and in dying and coming back.... angry and altered and feeling cheated out of something indescribable.  So from that perspective, I truly respect that this man couldn't find any reason to stay on this earth any longer....that it was his choice to leave us all, to leave his family and friends, his legions of fans...but even with that special understanding, I do wish that he had not succeeded.  Its a strange mix of emotions that I feel...not that it matters to anyone but me.  I have to believe that any of you out there that loved Robin Williams, and are also suicide survivors are having similar feelings from the sting of knowing that this awesome man managed to do what we, at one time, so desperately wanted to do.
But, you know, we can't know what tortured him so...maybe someone in his life was a confidante that knows more about his story than we'll ever be privy to...it's not our story, its his story.  And the true story may never be revealed.  I'm sure that it is much to painful for his family to fathom, especially at this point.
I think its important to just be aware of the fact that most people, at some point in their lives, do at least entertain the idea of suicide.  I remember being inundated with people that wanted me to know that they understood, because they had thought about suicide at some time in their life.  And I had to tell them that there is a long and strange and dark journey between thinking about taking your life to getting to the place where you can actually do it.  And that I was glad that they only got as far as thinking about it.  That they don't want to know the place one goes in order to perform the act of suicide.
Please, if you can, if you're at a place where you don't feel too fragile to do so, reach out to other people...let them know that you are there for them, if they ever come to the place where they are contemplating such an act.  I guess its a way to pay it forward, kind of how I feel about this blog...knowing that there are people who read my words and hopefully find help there.  Just because we have tried to die doesn't mean that we aren't capable of helping other people...in fact, I think we are the infinitely qualified beings for just that. 
I think I have said all that I can say today...and I hope that it will inspire you to use your intimate knowledge on the subject and reach out to others who might be in trouble.  The world is full of people who are lonely and depressed and afraid and whose lives can be saved, their thinking changed, however you want to put it....we are our own little army of survivors....and we can help if we choose to....I hope you find help here and I absolutely bid you peace, love and understanding....and implore you to pass it on....thanks!

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Rising Above for a Better View

Its been interesting, these last few weeks, days, hours....as the universe has made its upward shift in the atmosphere, in the hearts and souls of all beings, to the extent that each being will acknowledge and allow the universe to guide them, love them, see that they have whatever it is they need, even when they themselves don't know that that might be or in what form it comes....
I have faced so many strange events of late....things that aren't explainable and so I won't attempt to do that here.  I can say that for every negative thing that comes into your life, you have the power to grab onto that negativity and let it consume you, or you have the power to neutralize and change that negative into a positive...and the transforming of negative energy into positive energy creates a positive energy with such strength...it ripples out into the lives of those around you, without them even knowing where its coming from.
This is a beautiful thing....and the way the universe uses energy through each of us and our actions, our intentions.
I have recently had occasion to have a couple of conversations with my mother, who is not an active participant in my life any longer...my decision to release myself from years of meaning too much to someone, so much that love became sour and tainted and toxic.  From where I am now in this journey, though, I can finally have a conversation from time to time, I think, and not become drawn back in to any of the negativity that so well-defined our prior relationship.   I could tell that my mother, she has grown so much with my absence, inwardly and outwardly exploring her world as I don't think she could do as long as I was a part of it.  I also could tell that she hasn't yet come to terms with the fact that my absence is what has allowed her to find herself, and that I won't ever do anything to interfere with her becoming...even as I could feel the reaching out from her...I know that it would be the wrong to do, for either of us...dangerous, even...and so I had to enjoy being able to share some words and thoughts and concerns with her, with no strings allowed.
It is good to know that from time to time we might be able to do that, with great care, to touch each other's new lives just a little bit, just enough....because it has to be just enough, no more.
I have also been working hard to be here, in this house, with two men who I love very much - my husband and my son - and not allow them to pull me into their need for my attention.  Not that they don't get some of it, of course, but I know that they both would love to pull me into the river of codependency that I don't dare stick a toe in, to even test the water.  I already know all about that river, have been drowned there more than once.  So I am ever vigilant about what I give or maybe more how I give myself to them.  How I always take care to love as fully as I can yet not get sucked into the whirlpool.  I am here for them, though, in all the ways that I can be.  I am no wife, and I know that I probably will never be a wife again.  It carries such negative feelings for me that I just can't do it.  I can be a friend, partner,companion; but I'll never be a wife again.  And as a mother to an adult child, I believe that there are ways I can be of help and ways that I have to step back and watch and hope and yet keep my opinions to myself....and sometimes its hard to get the timing right, I have to admit.  But I am doing the best I can as I continue to figure out my own path, my own becoming.  I realize that these people are all a part of this....of my growing and learning, just as I am a part of theirs.
The universe has kept all of us busy these past few months, weeks, days....yes it has...each new moon is a new experience unfolding, and its fullness becomes a pregnancy of something different, some new lesson, each month, or so it seems to me.  And then the waning is like a long outbreath...a release of whatever had built up so relentlessly until it had to be let out, and let go.  So many lessons...hard to catch except in hindsight, but sometimes while they were happening....big lessons, no matter how seemingly small they appeared.  It has been almost too much to take in at times.  But its just life, really.
Once I figured out that I could unwrap myself from the cloak of all of this change and challenge, and lighten myself enough to float just a little, see the bigger picture, and the cyclical nature of things occurring, it has become so much easier to take in the view, pick it apart, and deal with it as it passes.
And as I sit here, of all songs, what should come on but Wilco's "War on War"...check it out when you get a chance....lyrics like " you have to lose, you have to learn how to die, if you want to learn to be alive"..ahh, well, that Jeff Tweedy speaks to me through so many of his songs....but that was timely for today's blog post, for sure.
Those of us that have lived and died and lived to tell about it...well, we are a little different.  We do have the power to rise up or step back....take everything in from different perspectives when we need to...its a little gift.  I once blogged about seeing the timeline of my old life, and coming to understand how each event shaped me into who I was and also led me toward the deep darkness of suicide.  Now I can do the same with my new life, and see what has gotten me to here, and why, and I can catch glimpses of where I might go, as a journey along my path.  I can also see the threads of others' paths crossing and re-crossing mine...and it is humbling to realize that my path is such a thin, tiny fiber in this big ball of yarn of a universe that we are all part and parcel of.  It is also my great honor to share it with you, and to know that you are all part of my path, too, and I am part of yours.
I hope the message you get from me today is that there are so many forces in the world that shape your life; some of which you're not even supposed to understand, but should have faith in nonetheless, because the universe has been here and will always be here, and you are part of each cycle of change, doing and undoing.  You can choose to look at it under a microscope or from several steps back from the action...but you're here, because you're meant to be here.  If your current view isn't working, change it, get closer, or move back a little, whatever it takes for you to see your part in it all.  If you are like me, and you left this world and came back....were denied the leaving....I know its hard, so hard sometimes, but I'm glad I'm here, and I'm glad you're here, too.  Know that someone is glad you're here....peace to you...

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Truth About Therapy

This past Friday I met with my therapist for the first time since the latter part of May.  We had a whole lot of catching up to do.  I realized that I had gone much too long between sessions and that I didn't even know where to start, given all of the things that had happened since our last meeting.  It was hard...but I was already emotionally calmed, as I had spent a good deal of the last few days with my emotions so close to the surface that I had cried quite a bit, among other things.
It was a good session, but not something that would make sense to the uninformed or uninitiated.  I didn't really realize this until this evening when, as I was in a short-tempered and frazzled place when my husband got home, and he asked me...'well, didn't you get anything out of your therapy session?'  What a revelation for me to dissect his question...in my head, of course....my answer to him had simply been that we had a great deal to discuss in an hour, so yes, I 'got something out of it'.  It wouldn't have mattered what my explanation had been....he wouldn't have been able to understand.
My husband spent time in therapy; quite a while after my suicide, he finally decided to go to a therapist, but spent very little time in individual therapy...instead joining a group, where he participated by listening to other people talk about their problems and issues and events.  I know him well enough (we've been married for 30 years) to know that he did not actively participate in these sessions.  He never had to...and he felt his greatest virtue, compared to the other participants, was that he was the only one not on any kind of medication for anxiety or depression.  I think I tried to explain to him that he would have benefited greatly from medication and from individual therapy, but it all fell on deaf ears.  He only went to appease me, to try to get in my good graces and to get things back to the way they had been 'before'.  What a huge waste of time and money...I think of it now and I'm still appalled by the waste and by the attitude of superiority over the other people he met with weekly.  And also I think of how sad it is that he never got any help, never took it seriously, but just went through the motions and stayed on the surface instead of trying to truly sort out his emotions and deal with all that had happened.
I have had the same therapist since 2011; she was recommended to me when I was released from the psych ward...and it was a great match.  She knows me very well. It is comfortable and has at times been the only source of comfort...looking forward to seeing her and being able to not feel like I was losing my mind. I spent a couple of years in group therapy as well, DBT training, where you learn the skills to deal with your emotions and other people's emotions, and, through this therapy, learn to make for yourself a life worth living.  I learned so much from this training, about myself and about the people in my life.  Learned how to deal with my past and let it go, and live in the present.  I have no complaints about all that I learned, and I continue to use those skills, unconsciously now, to deal with the roadblocks that come up in my life.  So the time I spent in DBT class was time well spent.
My individual therapy, which started out being two times a week, is now basically unscheduled.  I contact my therapist when I get to a place that I know things are occurring or are going to occur that I need to get an objective opinion about.  I always 'get something out of it', because I am honest and bare my soul to her, and she is able to help me look at things from different perspectives and see what choices I might have or not have, given whatever the issue might be.
This recent visit was hard, as I said before.  The things that are happening in my life are not easy to handle and many things are beyond my control, so its more about how to deal with those things. I didn't come away feeling great, but I felt better, being able to talk frankly to someone that actually has my best interest at the center of things, and isn't looking for anything from me, just wants to help me.  So more than anything, I came away from this session with a feeling of knowing that somebody had my back, since in my home life I have not been having that feeling at all.  I didn't come away with any great revelation or solution...sometimes its like that....which you know already, if you are in therapy yourself.
So my point....the truth about therapy...its not just about showing up physically.  Its about showing up and being ready to be honest and raw and to receive the objectivity to look at your life from more than one perspective.  There is no 'cure', not magic bullet....but you have to go there with an open heart and an open mind, and be ready to bare your soul and trust someone with your deepest fears and really hear what they are saying when they give you advice or try to help you unravel whatever mess you are in at the time.
I believe that everybody should go to therapy...in some form or fashion.  Because in this world there is not a lot of objectivity....too many people are trying to get what they need from you and are not interested in what you might need.  They have their own issues and they can't get past them to see what you might be going through.
I hope that if you aren't receiving what you need from the people in your life, that you will consider therapy as an option to help you through the times that you feel alone or trapped or used and abused.  It is money and time well spent, and I know that in every county and every state there is a way to get help - therapy - for free or at very little cost to you...so please, if you feel that you are in a situation that you can't figure out on your own, find a therapist and show up ready to vomit up your truth and your fears and then be sure to really listen and learn.
There...the truth...I hope this helps someone out there...I hope it helps you realize that you don't have to go it alone...and especially if you are feeling that circumstances or people are putting you at risk of thinking those thoughts, looking for a way out, feeling trapped, feeling that you have no options....see those red flags and get yourself some help.  You are not alone.  You can even contact me through this blog....I'll talk to you...I've been where you are...you don't have to be alone and afraid...you have options...
peace to you, peace and love and positive energy...

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Then There's the Vines

Today I spent a great deal of time in my vegetable garden, and in one of my flower beds....
In the flower bed, I had to remove the morning glory vines that were taking over all of the other flowers, wrapping themselves around them as they wound their way toward the next thing....its what they do...they're vines....and they have beautiful and useful flowers...the butterflies, bees, and hummingbirds love to drink from their big trumpet blossoms, but they choke everything they wrap around, sometimes even choking the lives out of themselves.  So in order for the rest of the flowers to live and bloom and feed  the same creatures, I had to uproot the morning glories and unwind all the vines.  It was necessary for the greater good...but it was kind of sad, all the same.  Not that we don't have tons more morning glories all over the farm...but still, sad to me to have to take their lives.
In the vegetable garden, I was busy building ever-taller trellises for the cucumber plants...they don't wind around other plants, but they are vines, by virtue of having tendrils that come out and wrap around whatever they can find, or reach, to keep supporting themselves as they grow toward the sun. In the process of trellising and re-trellising, I spent a lot of time unwinding the delicate tendrils, where they'd wrapped themselves around other branches, squeezing them so tightly that they'd die if these tendrils weren't removed...I would then place them on the wire or string supports so that they had something to hold onto that would not be another plant...sometimes I would find where they had wrapped around themselves, cutting off their own circulation, too.  It was a long and tedious process...and every day I have to check on them, make sure nobody's grabbed onto the wrong thing, either killing itself or its neighbor.
I realize that I've been feeling like I've been getting wrapped in vines of some kind.  Here I am, trying to bloom where I'm planted, and these vines come along and grab me, because that's what vines do, and they are choking me, cutting off my circulation, using me for support and not caring what the damage might be to me.  I don't know another way to describe this feeling, other than that it feels like being held down, tied to one place, squeezed, used without regard for my welfare.
I think I relate to this so, and feel the need to explain it metaphorically, because its just so fitting and so literal.
I want to stand alone, and yet there are those around me that want that co-dependent feeling they used to get from me before...when I used to be their support, and allow myself to be used and wrapped up and have the life squeezed out of me.  I realize this is why I have been depressed.  I want to stand alone, yet I'm not allowed to....there are things beyond my control that just won't let that happen right now.  So I feel like I'm covered in vines and squeezed by my neighbor's tendrils wrapping around my throat, my heart, my soul...with little or no regard to how I feel about any of it.
It occurs to me that I'm the only person living here that is not passive-aggressive by nature.  I'm the plant that stands tall and just wants to feel some sun and rain and be allowed to grow as best as I can...
But the passive-aggressive people in my life, they want to keep me bound and gagged and held too closely for my liking; to use me to hold them up and squeeze the life out of me so that they can feel comfortable.
And I think, how did this happen?  How is this happening?  How am I to handle these vines?  How do I unwrap those delicate tendrils without damaging them, even as they are damaging me?  I don't know...and I find it more than a little scary and intimidating.
Do I uproot the vines and just get them off me?  Do I gently remove the tendrils and hope that I don't hurt anyone in the process of freeing myself?  Is this even possible?
I wonder if anyone else is having this experience.  I know that I had been considering leaving this place and these people and trying to start a new life somewhere else, somewhere fresh and new and different.  And once they realized that, little by little I have been being wound around until I will have to risk damaging others to save myself.  This is so against my nature, and they count on that..they always have....its always been how they've gotten me in the past.  But I'm different now; I just haven't had to face this problem, not to the degree that it has become potentially dangerous for me, since I've become who I'm becoming.  This will take some serious consideration, but I can't take too long....or I'll be choked to death...
I am still trying, trying so hard, to hold on, to grow, in spite of the vines that want to keep me from it.
I don't understand why they can't just leave me like they found me...why they can't stand on their own or choose something solid and unfeeling to wrap around or grab onto.  Why does it have to be me?
Well, tomorrow I will garden some more, remove some more vines, rearrange some more tendrils, and see if I can get clear of this mess so that I can be left to stand, to grow, to bloom...tonight, I can bid you peace, and recommend that you buy a small pair of pruning shears, pocket-sized, to carry around with you just in case you should ever find yourself in my predicament.   I will be sharpening mine in the morning.    Just in case....
I bid you peace and send you a smile, a truly weary one, but a smile...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Learning To Bloom Where I'm Planting

I know, its been too long....I can't believe I haven't posted anything since the beginning of May.  It should be embarrassing but there has been so much happening and not happening that its been extremely hard for me to put into words.
I have had to make choices about my life....seems like I have come to many forks in my path...and it has been more than a little daunting for me to keep moving forward.   But I keep going...I have turned that corner...the one where I no longer look at suicide as one of my options.  Even if my path means that I could end up alone...well, that no longer scares me so much.  In fact, I find being alone to be necessary for my sanity.   Not that I want to be alone all the time, or think that spending my life in solitude is a really healthy way to live.  But I also don't want to stay in a hopeless relationship or move into a new relationship that has the cards stacked against it from the beginning.
I have come to realize that while most people can accept a person that has tried to take their own life...can even understand or relate to many of the aspects or reasons that someone would get to that place in their life that they feel there is no reason to go on....but it is different to ask someone to love you, to trust you, to have faith in your ability to be healed and ready to be loved.  I personally don't see it as any different from any other relationship....you have to have a certain amount of trust and compassion and caring in order to accept someone into your life.  But I don't think like the majority of people...I've been through too much, and come through to the other side now...so my perspective isn't that of a 'regular' person.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there are never any guarantees...life doesn't provide such things. People get sick, have baggage, have issues, and even the best intentions can become screwed up due to circumstances that can't be foreseen or controlled.
I have been lucky....I have had choices....and I think the lesson here for me is that I have to choose myself...not this man or that man...I am who I have to live with for the rest of my life.
So I have chosen ME!  And I am no walk in the park...but I have come to understand that the lesson is to bloom where I am planted...in my home....on my land...and make myself a life here....for ME...with ME.
I can do this..I am terrified on some days, confident on others, depressed on a few....yes...its okay to get depressed, everyone does....as long as you can recognize it for what it is and see a reason behind it that you can see past...there are going to be times when you are depressed, and times when you are anxious, and times when you're just plain sad.....but if you stay still, don't try to turn and run, but quietly (and sometimes loudly) face that which scares you, or hurts you, and realize that you're just being human....
And as ME, I have so many things I want to do, and places I want to go.  I don't want to repeat my old life...it didn't work out too well there at the end.  I am not the person that I was in that other life...she is gone...she couldn't take any more abuse of any kind.  But ME, I won't be taking any abuse...or bullshit....or any other negative line of thinking...I may have gotten a do-over, but it still came in a 50 year old body...and so I don't have time or energy to waste on anything that doesn't help me bloom, blossom, sprout, think, breathe....there will be no going backwards now...only forward...and on some days, the ones where I'm unable to move an inch....at least I can be still, and feel the earth beneath my feet and the sun on my face and know that I'm still growing, blooming.....maybe its just that my roots are digging down a little deeper, tapping into the universal energy that we are all part and parcel of...the thing that makes us all the same even when we feel that we are so different....
I hope this makes sense....sometimes its hard to tell, and generally I find that my point gets taken by those who need it....at least I sure hope so....Peace to you....I vow that I will be here more regularly now...now that I've found my roots and my shoots and my blossoms.....something I guess everyone has to do....grow!!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Good Morning.....How to Greet the Day!

Good morning!  Every morning I write in a notebook, journaling about my day to come and how the day before unfolded, etc.  And every morning, "good morning, OU (my nickname for the Universe)" are the first words I write.  The second sentence...."it is good (or great or awesome or fantastic, but never less than 'good') to be here today.  This has helped me look at each day with a freshness that I think we should all try to embrace in our lives....after all, we are alive and there is much beauty and goodness to encounter and soak up contained in each and every day....
I have finally come to a place where I don't think about suicide every day, as in, 'well, if this doesn't work out, I could always just leave this world'....it has taken over three years to reach this point.  So if you are still in a place where you feel that feeling, think that thought, or however you want to put it, on a daily basis...take heart, it will get better.  How did I get here?  I think through continually practicing gratitude and sending out as much love as I can muster (not easy some days, as you all know) to the people that I love, to the people I haven't met yet or may never meet, to the world, the earth, the Universe...I keep my heart open and my mind open and try to put a smile on each person I encounter throughout my days, whether its the cashier at the grocery store or the guy panhandling on the corner...it takes to little effort to brighten someone else's day...and the returns on the investment for these little efforts is immeasurable...
I give myself over to the joy in the sun shining and the birds singing and in whatever tasks I am tackling on any given day....I try to remember (and yeah, sometimes I forget) to do each thing with positive intention, with pure and unconditional love, with care and feeling.  It has made me feel like I am a fount of joy and love and kindness.
The only time I think I lose this feeling is when I'm out driving and get frustrated with other drivers...then I catch myself saying ugly things and thinking ugly things....I am working on this, and its hard, because there are some pretty scary drivers out there on the roads.  But they are dealing with their lives too, and maybe their driving is a reflection of their less than stellar day....I am working on it...hopefully I will find it in my heart to send  these people love too....an expansion of my daily practice.
Today it is easy to greet the morning smiling...its beautiful, sunny, and feels like it is smiling back at me.
I will spend as much time as I can outdoors today...I love to soak up the love floating around out there and I love feeling one with the earth.  Some mornings, the cold, wet, gloomy ones, they are harder to smile at...I have to remember that even these days have a purpose in watering the earth, giving it a rest from too much sun, and giving us a reason to slow down and do other things to smile about.
So my hope for you, my dear readers, is that you find your way to greet each new day...see it as just that...a new day, a new beginning, a fresh blessing, and another chance to experience being alive and connecting with the earth and its inhabitants on so many levels...greet each new day with reverence for the fact that you are still here...that you were meant to still be here....you didn't die because your work isn't finished yet.  Your life is worth something and someone loves you, and most importantly, that you can love yourself, and celebrate that you are worthy of this self-love....every day!
Now I will get on with my new day...this sunny gift....and even as my heart is heavy in some ways, I will get out and do things to lift my spirits and share my joy and my gifts with all who wish to receive....
Have a fantastic day, my friends...it is a clean slate, a gift given that is too precious to be squandered....so go out there and enjoy yourself, share your joy with others, and breathe in all that is good....

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I'm Back....

I know....I haven't been here since September....and there is no possible way to describe all that has come to pass since I posted last.  Just getting back on here, typing these words, has taken me a long time to feel good about and good enough to do.  I moved back in with my husband, which has been an experience like no other in my new life.  The only way to put it, the way it feels at this point....you really can't go back...there are some things that get so broken that they can't be fixed, and I feel that my marriage is one of those things.
I have also been living with my adult children and some extra children from time to time, since they guys both came back in December... now one is getting ready to leave again very soon...and he will be leaving a lot of things unfinished and unsaid.  But I do believe that he needs to make this journey....I realize that he won't understand the lessons contained in his coming and going for years to come.  And they are his lessons to learn....so he has to go out there and do it.  My other son, he really, I mean REALLY needs to go somewhere different, somewhere he's never been....for him, this is not going to be easy, and he may not be able to do it for a while yet.  But I will encourage him to get out there and live his life....his real one, not the one in his head.  That is all I can do for him....for he has his own lessons to learn, if he will open himself up to the Universe and let himself be guided onto his true path.  My other children, my extra children, they are in all different kinds of situations and all have a ton of lessons coming at them.  I wish them all the best.

My husband, he is having the hardest time....and I hope he can find a way to look inside himself and find out how to be happy and confident and fulfilled.  I can't do it for him....I feel I've done all I can do, said all I can say, and that my mere presence retards his growth as a person.  It is very sad... and its taken me a long time to reconcile myself and forgive myself and ask his forgiveness for the disservice that I did by being his 'voice' for all those years.  We let each other down in many different ways, and finally admitting it and working on letting go of all of the old hurts and resentments...its hard work for the soul.  I am much further along in my journey or at more of an accepting place, I guess, so it is easier for me.....it is pure hell for him, and it breaks my heart.

So that is a little bit of information for you, just to let you know that I'm still here, and every morning when I wake up and write in my journal, I begin with acknowledging  the Universe and writing about how glad I am to be here.  I have come to realize that I really have grown up, even though I won't say I am fully grown up, I am doing okay.  Considering that its been a little over three years since I died and was given this new life, this do-over, I think I'm doing okay....I am at peace with myself and try to be with those around me.  I am happy from the inside and I know that no one can take that from me.  I am growing up.

And even though there was a time that I believed that I would never want to have another relationship again, now I realize that I do....a real one....a grown-up one...a happy and peaceful and honest and fun one....I want to have real love and really be in love, to feel what that is like as an adult....and yes, this is scary territory for me...but I am more excited than afraid....it is good to feel like I am allowed to have hope, and that I deserve to be truly loved, madly and deeply.  I can't say if it will happen, because no one can predict the future, but I have hope that it will, that I get to share this awesome do-over with someone.

And if that doesn't happen, or if it does and things don't work out, well, that's okay, too.  I have learned to be very happy and peaceful all by myself.  I don't mind my own company anymore.  And I am blessed with many exceptional friends, friends that I will have in my life until one of us bids our earthsuit goodbye.

I have much more I want to share and I will be back soon, I promise...the ice has been broken now...soon as I hit that orange "publish" button....thanks for reading my words...I sincerely hope they are of some value to you...if not today, then someday...until next time....just breathe....in with the good, out with the bad.....and be grateful that you are here and that there is enough peace and love for all of us, beginning inside ourselves....