I know, its been too long....I can't believe I haven't posted anything since the beginning of May. It should be embarrassing but there has been so much happening and not happening that its been extremely hard for me to put into words.
I have had to make choices about my life....seems like I have come to many forks in my path...and it has been more than a little daunting for me to keep moving forward. But I keep going...I have turned that corner...the one where I no longer look at suicide as one of my options. Even if my path means that I could end up alone...well, that no longer scares me so much. In fact, I find being alone to be necessary for my sanity. Not that I want to be alone all the time, or think that spending my life in solitude is a really healthy way to live. But I also don't want to stay in a hopeless relationship or move into a new relationship that has the cards stacked against it from the beginning.
I have come to realize that while most people can accept a person that has tried to take their own life...can even understand or relate to many of the aspects or reasons that someone would get to that place in their life that they feel there is no reason to go on....but it is different to ask someone to love you, to trust you, to have faith in your ability to be healed and ready to be loved. I personally don't see it as any different from any other relationship....you have to have a certain amount of trust and compassion and caring in order to accept someone into your life. But I don't think like the majority of people...I've been through too much, and come through to the other side now...so my perspective isn't that of a 'regular' person.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there are never any guarantees...life doesn't provide such things. People get sick, have baggage, have issues, and even the best intentions can become screwed up due to circumstances that can't be foreseen or controlled.
I have been lucky....I have had choices....and I think the lesson here for me is that I have to choose myself...not this man or that man...I am who I have to live with for the rest of my life.
So I have chosen ME! And I am no walk in the park...but I have come to understand that the lesson is to bloom where I am planted...in my home....on my land...and make myself a life here....for ME...with ME.
I can do this..I am terrified on some days, confident on others, depressed on a few....yes...its okay to get depressed, everyone does....as long as you can recognize it for what it is and see a reason behind it that you can see past...there are going to be times when you are depressed, and times when you are anxious, and times when you're just plain sad.....but if you stay still, don't try to turn and run, but quietly (and sometimes loudly) face that which scares you, or hurts you, and realize that you're just being human....
And as ME, I have so many things I want to do, and places I want to go. I don't want to repeat my old life...it didn't work out too well there at the end. I am not the person that I was in that other life...she is gone...she couldn't take any more abuse of any kind. But ME, I won't be taking any abuse...or bullshit....or any other negative line of thinking...I may have gotten a do-over, but it still came in a 50 year old body...and so I don't have time or energy to waste on anything that doesn't help me bloom, blossom, sprout, think, breathe....there will be no going backwards now...only forward...and on some days, the ones where I'm unable to move an inch....at least I can be still, and feel the earth beneath my feet and the sun on my face and know that I'm still growing, blooming.....maybe its just that my roots are digging down a little deeper, tapping into the universal energy that we are all part and parcel of...the thing that makes us all the same even when we feel that we are so different....
I hope this makes sense....sometimes its hard to tell, and generally I find that my point gets taken by those who need it....at least I sure hope so....Peace to you....I vow that I will be here more regularly now...now that I've found my roots and my shoots and my blossoms.....something I guess everyone has to do....grow!!