Thursday, September 27, 2012

Contemplations About the Future...

Please excuse any abnormally bad typos...i am typing on a laptop, and we don't really get along. I'm enjoying having a couple of days and nights alone, off the farm, where i can work and enjoy just being.  on my drive here i was so focused on the beauty around me, and i realized that i was truly just being, present and in the moment, moment to moment, just driving along with a little smile on my face.   It was wonderful, and wonderful to be able to know that i have come this far.  
Ah...back home on a real i was is wonderful to know that i have come this far, and that I will not allow myself to ever go back.  With all of the horrible things in the world and all of the horrible things that have happened in and around my life, i am happy!  I can't help it, i'm just happy.  I am only a few dollars away from permanently camping somewhere, but it doesn't matter, or it does, but i won't let it rule me.  I won't run around chasing after something that only becomes more elusive the harder it is chased.  I will sit here and smile and enjoy each and every new day...because it is what i'm supposed to do.  I work of course, but my work is my passion and every day is new with my work, too.
I am constantly learning about myself, about what i'm made of these days.  I think about the future, too, but not too hard.  I could go with the Mayans.   Time on this earth could be that short.  I think that if the world doesn't end in december, there will be some new prediction of doom.  and another, and another....
I do know that I am meant to be alone, on my own, somewhere, somehow.  It will be hard, probably.  But deep down it is what i feel...what i look toward, if i look toward anything.  I am actually happy about it.  I hope i will find a way to live on my own and do so without having to live in a cardboard box or in my truck.  I would like to have my own little place someday.  maybe even a loft over a shop.  ah, i'm quite a dreamer for someone that wanted to die.  I wanted to die because i had ceased to have any dreams, any aspirations, any hope.  There was no light at the end of my tunnel or knot on the end of my rope.  And i still tread gingerly into dreaming territory....but i tread, i hope, i dream.  i am glad to be here...and i am supposed to be here and i am supposed to do something special, or monumental, or something....i don't know what that is yet, but it is in here and it will come out when the time is right.  i am okay waiting where i am, enjoying each passing moment, living smack dab in the middle of each and every one!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Living Without a Generous Heart...

I have tried and tried to reconcile why I do not want to stay married to my husband.  I believe in forgiveness, and I feel like I have forgiven him for many things, as he has forgiven me, I'm sure.  But the truth of the matter is that I resigned myself to live with certain parts of my husband's nature, things that can't be changed by anyone but him.  As I have come out of the fog I have realized that the thing I can't get past, and the thing that used to drain me of energy over and over, trying to neutralize the effects....he does not possess a generous heart.  He is stingy with what he gives, and ravenous for whatever he can get his greedy hands on of others' offerings.  I think of all the things that I gave up, willingly, to keep my family going...things I cherished and will never see again.  He has not given up anything.  He has hoarded the things that he feels are valuable, even things to which he has no sentimental attachment.  
I cannot live with this much longer.  I lived with it for decades, in my old life, and it dragged me into abyss after abyss.  Now, I see him itching, seriously, to get a little of what I have worked so hard to have.  He slowly talks about how broke we are in that vague way that I now know is just a manipulation on him part.  He pauses to see if I will interject and ask how I can help....I have nothing to say, I take care of what I need to, but he will not touch what I have.  For a time I weakened, but no more.  I have learned that you can never satisfy someone that is not of a generous heart....they are a bottomless pit, and enough is never enough.
I had to die for this realization to sink in....I thought it was my fault, of course.  I tried to fix it so many times, when it was never mine to fix.  Now, I just have nothing to say.  I will not let his black aura of greed and need get on me ever again.  As I have learned in DBT group, I am teflon, and none of that blackness will be sticking to me.  I can watch and be amused, even.  And unfortunately, he can never make it up to me.  He can never fix this, and in fact, he probably doesn't even realize that it is there to begin with.  Because it is part of who he is, just like it is part of who I am to open up and give of myself, my things, whatever.  It means more to me to see the happiness I can bring and the goodness that I can pass along by giving than it means to hold on to it for myself.  I am happy and I am good and I am teflon....yeah...if you have someone out there that is draining all the energy, all the good, all the life from you, refill yourself, and from that moment forward, be teflon, imagine an invisible shield or bubble around you, keeping others from being able to tap in to your reservoir of happiness and goodness and love.  just repeat after me.....'I am teflon'....

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September 11th....

I think we all have our memories and feelings regarding the events that took place on 9/11/2001.  I remember it...I was at home and we had no TV and bad dial-up, and my mom called me from her work to tell me what was this point it had just begun unfolding...the first tower had been hit....I got in my car and drove from the north end of the county to her house on the south end of the county, so that I could see what was happening on TV.  I got there in time for the rest of it.  I thought it looked like a movie, one of those action things with great special effects.  But it was real.
The impact of seeing those people jumping out of windows and the towers falling, the pentagon burning ( I had several good friends that worked in D.C. and couldn't reach them, wouldn't know what happened to them, for many hours.  It took a long time, or seemingly so, to grasp it all, all of the components of these heinous acts: those planes were real, regular old airline planes, full, FULL, of people and full of fuel...flying bombs; those buildings really fell down, buildings that I had actually been in and been to the top of, back in 1988.
In the aftermath of 9/11 I decided that if there were things that I wanted to do or try that I should get to it, because none of us had the promise of a minute...anything could happen...  I taught myself how to play the guitar, I started singing and playing in front of people, in microphones, made recordings, got paid to do shows....crazy, crazy for someone like me, with no self-esteem or confidence.  I used to feel like I was going to throw up when I would get up to the mike, and my mouth would go dry mid-song, so I'd have to stop and drink some water.  It became a big part of my life for nearly 10 years, culminating with having a band that included myself, my husband, my two sons, and one or two honorary family members.  It was was such a special thing to me, and I never took it for granted.  We disbanded (pardon the pun) the fall of 2010, three or four months before I committed suicide.  I know that it ending had its own part in my decline.
But I did do something, learn something, make my mark, and fulfill the promise to myself that I would do something that I always wanted to do and never thought that I would.
In my aftermath, here in the fall of 2012, I am inspired by the people that survived, and the people that lost someone very close to them, and how they go on.  We all go on, the best way we can....even suicide victims and their families, we all go on.  If I was who I am now, and I experienced 9/11, I would feel the same way about wanting to make the most of my time on this earth.  I would be trying to make a difference in the lives of others, though, instead of my own.  And I would know true fulfillment....true love....

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Red Flags...

So much and so little have happened since my last post, which was on my son's 26th birthday.  Still haven't seen him to hug him, talked to him on the day after his birthday and he was just spouting out more riddles and jibberish.  I started talking about my stuff, my business and what I have been up to, and pretty soon he had to go, which was okay, too.
I've been being careful, sometimes too much so.  I caught myself last weekend trying to put back some items that I had picked out in a store.  I was with a friend, and I started deliberating about these items, when it came to me....I was worrying about spending money for something for I did BEFORE!!!  It freaked me out to realize that, too!  Because I've gotten too comfortable, or lazy, or something....all the red flags that I have in place....and there was no warning this time!  Usually anything in any way that could be construed as from BEFORE....brings on that 'danger Will Robinson' (from 'Lost in Space') in my head, warning me that I had to be vigilant and not allow whatever to revert back to BEFORE.
So I caught myself and chastised myself and told my friend not to let me do that, and if she was with me and I started doing that, feeling guilty for wanting or even needing something, she needed to give me a little slap and WAKE MY ASS UP and remind me how I got dead and why I got dead!
Needless to say, I purchased the items and ignored my elevated heart rate when I pulled them out of the bag, because it is my right to have things.  I am worthy!
I have been trying to reinstall the red flags that were out of order....maybe they ran out of was a long and tiring weekend and week and weekend again.
If you need any red flags, get them, use them, stay out of danger....don't get too comfortable to remember why!  Whatever your 'why' happens to be.
I will tackle another post tomorrow...till then I bid you peace!