Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Hold on to that Hunk of Peace...

This is the first time that I have written a blog entry without knowing the title before starting...
There is so much to say and yet it is hard to say, hard to think about so many things this time of year.
I have survived the first anniversary of voluntarily euthanizing my physically healthy but mentally damaged horse.  I miss him and will forever...I am still heartbroken.
I am blessed to have my sons home for the holidays....but I have been reminded of how the flippant and righteous words of even a grown child can eviscerate...this reminder cutting through all of the hard work I have done to piece together a 'life worth living', cutting through all that I don't remember about the time before my suicide, cutting and cutting and cutting....I am still heartbroken.
I am blessed that I made a little bit of money this year and finally could feel like I could take care of my own 'expenses', i.e. the horses, knowing that the resentment my husband did and still does hold toward these 'expenses' impacted my pre- and post-suicide relationship with him.  I let him borrow most of this money and I am terrified that he won't pay me back, putting me right back where I was two years ago....helpless, hopeless, seeing no way out, no good answers or outcomes....I have tried to relay this to him, and I don't know if that was a good idea, as I also know that he would still be happy to have the pre-suicide wife-bot 'back', back the way it used to be....I am still afraid.
So I am feeling a bit fragile, and mad at myself for being fragile.  I have considered 'going through the motions' in lieu of being my authentic self, just to make it through this time without causing anyone any problem or reason to hurt me, to cut me any deeper, push me any farther down into myself.  I spent a lifetime going through the motions and I know that this is something that would be too dangerous for me to try to do ever again....I am more than a little afraid, and more than a little heartbroken.
No, I am not interested in taking my own life....or in homicide, either.  I don't know if there are words for 'where I am' or whatever you want to call it.  I guess that two years later, we are each (my family members and myself) still trying to figure things out, trying to grow up, trying to find a way to be comfortable with each other and these different relationships that we have with each other, looking at then, now, and into the future.
It is hard, and scary, and heartbreaking.  I get weary of everything being so hard, of being afraid and feeling so very alone, and of all of this pain: the physical, mental, emotional...I feel like I am constantly a part of some kind of test or study, one to see how much a post-suicidal person can take before they break.  I guess it is stupid of me to think that there will come a day when I will be somehow released from all of this shit and I will be pronounced to be 'okay', or 'normal', or 'no longer a threat'.  I guess it will be up to me to toss away the parts that I no longer need and make my own load lighter to carry.  I guess...I don't know...can only guess....
I am holding on to a big hunk of peace, keeping it close to my heart....keeping myself quiet and safe. Hope you can do the same...find yourself a hunk of peace and hold onto it, for dear life, hold on!!

Monday, December 10, 2012

That Smell....

I am in a rush, but wanted to share something.  Last evening my husband made himself some soup and a sandwich for dinner, and to me it had a strange and offensive smell.  I remembered to post this today because it is still lingering faintly in the house this morning.  It has been a good while since this has happened, but it happened frequently the first year after my suicide...there is a smell, sometimes a taste of a smell, that takes me back to the hospital, to the food, and how it all tasted wrong and bad and somehow 'disinfected' to me.  The smell has such a memory attached to it, it is a little shocking that here I am, my second birthday is drawing nearer, and there came that smell.  I couldn't figure out what about it was offensive until it dawned on me where I had smelled it before (the hospital).  I guess it will never leave me, and will be one of those triggers that makes me remember that I was there, that IT really happened, that out of so much that I will never remember, this fucking smell is going to be sticking with me, maybe forever.  Once I realized what was at the root of this encounter, I was okay.  I couldn't make the smell go away, but I knew why it bothered me so, and I could let it go (yes, progress comes in the strangest forms).
Now that I have shared this bizarre olfactory event, I must leave you...I have to go to the pharmacy and raise hell about my new fibromyalgia medicine, which my husband attempted to pick up yesterday and there was something wrong about some kind of authorization...I hope by the time I get there, they have gotten what they want or need and I can get my meds, unbelievably priced as they are, I want to see if they will help me, because I know the alternative is relying on opiates or steroids, neither of which will be a pleasant way to live.  Keep your fingers crossed for me....send me your mojo, if you have some extra to send....I have so little faith in the system; it has disappointed me too many times.  I do know that I have the right rheumatologist, though...I called them at 8 am and they called me back within an hour, and had already called the pharmacy, and I have a REAL PHONE NUMBER to call them back if there is trouble when I get to the pharmacy!!  So I am off....keep the peace....I'll be back!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The State of Things...

I guess time has just gotten away from me.  Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to blogging.  I have been in an odd place...I am content, in the face of the impending winter, one of my sons leaving for the other coast, the anniversary of having to put my beautiful Promise down, the holidays in general, the anniversary of my suicide not too far away.  I am content.
I guess it goes to show that happiness, contentment, peace, and joy are all there inside of us, if we just figure out how to access them.  Now, the problem is that these wonderful emotions live right next door to anger, sadness, self-loathing, anxiety, depression, and fear.  They are all there, always.  What I am learning is that it is okay that all of these emotions have their own little cubbyhole inside of me.  They are the yin and yang of my life...they are the yin and yang of your life, of everyone's life.  Some are internal, personal; some are made to share.  It has taken me a while to realize this, and to realize that it is my choice, always; my choice on how I wish to approach events in my life.
DBT therapy has taught me that I can slow down and give myself time to decipher an event, an emotion, whether to respond or not, how to respond, etc.  It is something I highly recommend to any and everyone.
It has given me the tools to take control rather than let something or someone control me.  It has given me the advantage.  And this includes the advantage to know when to turn and walk away, because it is what is best for me.
So I have been deep into my life, my current life: sewing, mucking....and well, sewing and mucking.  Two activities that give me time to think, to ponder, and this is what I know today:  I am happy.  I am content.  I am okay and at peace with the state of my relationships.  Yes, I am a little sad, too.  I have lost a lot, paid my karmic dues.  I will carry that loss, that sadness, with me forever.  This is okay, too.  I have good memories to go along with the sadnesses.  I am able to keep things in perspective.
I realize that I am a miniscule dot on the landscape of this earth.  I have a warm, dry, safe and comfortable home.  I am not in any physical danger.  I have good food and clean water, indoor plumbing, furry friends to pamper.  I have a husband that has accepted the position as my friend.  I have two wonderful grown children; they believe that they can do anything if they put their energy into it - I taught them that!  I am so proud!  I have friends that truly love me, as I truly love them...I am content..
So, this is the state of things at the present.  I will not let so much time pass before I get back here again.  
Until then, much peace to you...