Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Unpacking Again. ...

I have been struggling with what to write, which is why I haven't posted anything.  I know that my life is going through a host of changes again. I guess I am trying to keep myself grounded and stay uplifted, seeing the changes as positive, regardless of how difficult they will be. 
I have finally taken steps to reach out to other suicide attempt survivors, and it has been enlightening and comforting for me during these difficult times.  I have also been exploring the writing community online, and finding encouragement and kinship there as well. 
I'm currently spending time with my mom. ...we have so much to say to each other. ...its not easy but it is healing.  I am hoping that she will get to the place where she can help me with my #2 book....the one for the family and friends of suicide attempt survivors.  But it will have to be in her own time, as she is reluctant (and I don't blame her!) to have to revisit and analyze what happened to her in the aftermath of my attempt.  Its okay. ...I have lots of things to work on,  and I have infinite patience as far as waiting for her to feel up to the task.  She thinks I should let it go and move on. ...and I have had to explain that I have moved on. ...it is that I feel I survived so that I could use what I have been through to help others like myself, and also to help the families and friends understand.
I guess it is hard for others to understand that I am willing to go back and revisit so many painful times and memories, but I feel its the only way for me to make these books happen.  Probably why it has taken me this long to actually begin. ...sifting through my pain and other people's pain and coming out with positive messages. ....this shit is no fun. 
I know that I have been called to do it. ...I know I have the strength and support. ...and now that I have cleared up more of the negative forces and put myself in a safer environment, I think I am ready to begin. ...as soon as I can get unpacked....again.