I know....I haven't been here since September....and there is no possible way to describe all that has come to pass since I posted last. Just getting back on here, typing these words, has taken me a long time to feel good about and good enough to do. I moved back in with my husband, which has been an experience like no other in my new life. The only way to put it, the way it feels at this point....you really can't go back...there are some things that get so broken that they can't be fixed, and I feel that my marriage is one of those things.
I have also been living with my adult children and some extra children from time to time, since they guys both came back in December... now one is getting ready to leave again very soon...and he will be leaving a lot of things unfinished and unsaid. But I do believe that he needs to make this journey....I realize that he won't understand the lessons contained in his coming and going for years to come. And they are his lessons to learn....so he has to go out there and do it. My other son, he really, I mean REALLY needs to go somewhere different, somewhere he's never been....for him, this is not going to be easy, and he may not be able to do it for a while yet. But I will encourage him to get out there and live his life....his real one, not the one in his head. That is all I can do for him....for he has his own lessons to learn, if he will open himself up to the Universe and let himself be guided onto his true path. My other children, my extra children, they are in all different kinds of situations and all have a ton of lessons coming at them. I wish them all the best.
My husband, he is having the hardest time....and I hope he can find a way to look inside himself and find out how to be happy and confident and fulfilled. I can't do it for him....I feel I've done all I can do, said all I can say, and that my mere presence retards his growth as a person. It is very sad... and its taken me a long time to reconcile myself and forgive myself and ask his forgiveness for the disservice that I did by being his 'voice' for all those years. We let each other down in many different ways, and finally admitting it and working on letting go of all of the old hurts and resentments...its hard work for the soul. I am much further along in my journey or at more of an accepting place, I guess, so it is easier for me.....it is pure hell for him, and it breaks my heart.
So that is a little bit of information for you, just to let you know that I'm still here, and every morning when I wake up and write in my journal, I begin with acknowledging the Universe and writing about how glad I am to be here. I have come to realize that I really have grown up, even though I won't say I am fully grown up, I am doing okay. Considering that its been a little over three years since I died and was given this new life, this do-over, I think I'm doing okay....I am at peace with myself and try to be with those around me. I am happy from the inside and I know that no one can take that from me. I am growing up.
And even though there was a time that I believed that I would never want to have another relationship again, now I realize that I do....a real one....a grown-up one...a happy and peaceful and honest and fun one....I want to have real love and really be in love, to feel what that is like as an adult....and yes, this is scary territory for me...but I am more excited than afraid....it is good to feel like I am allowed to have hope, and that I deserve to be truly loved, madly and deeply. I can't say if it will happen, because no one can predict the future, but I have hope that it will, that I get to share this awesome do-over with someone.
And if that doesn't happen, or if it does and things don't work out, well, that's okay, too. I have learned to be very happy and peaceful all by myself. I don't mind my own company anymore. And I am blessed with many exceptional friends, friends that I will have in my life until one of us bids our earthsuit goodbye.
I have much more I want to share and I will be back soon, I promise...the ice has been broken now...soon as I hit that orange "publish" button....thanks for reading my words...I sincerely hope they are of some value to you...if not today, then someday...until next time....just breathe....in with the good, out with the bad.....and be grateful that you are here and that there is enough peace and love for all of us, beginning inside ourselves....