Monday, July 29, 2013

Well, I Guess I'm Less Lost??

I would like to say that I am found, but not sure that is the way I would put it.  I am still here, and that is good.  I have ridden out the storm of my depression and for now the seas are calmer.  I think I just have to keep following my designated path, and learn to question the detours so much....a detour is meant to reroute you so that you can get around a problem some point it brings you back to the road you were travelling on, just a different place on that road.  Detours require lots of patience and faith.  Sometimes these are qualities that are lacking, especially when the detour is in and through the darkness.  I am still here...just at a different place on my path now.
So much of this life and this world is beyond my understanding.  I am now taking a serious look at my spirituality and how I have to stop avoiding being present in my life.  I am taking a serious look at my sexuality, and how I have to stand up to my broken parts and try to learn how to love.  In all of this seriousness, the one main thing I have to conquer is learning to love myself and have faith in myself and be my own best friend.  I will be working through this for a long time.  It took a long time to accrue the damage, so I can't expect an easy fix.  Again, I can come back to the most important factor...I am still here....and here is as good a place to start as any.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Have I Lost Myself?

I don't usually post things that are not in some way upbeat....I am out of upbeat right now.  I guess its just as important to talk about how I feel when I'm visited by fear and doubts and can't find a way to love myself or really care about my wellbeing.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge of something nameless.  And I am scared...I know it would be easy to just dissociate from this scared person and go on with it, but I know where that can take me, too.  I hate feeling so fragile.  And I don't know how to explain it to regular people.  I don't even want to have to explain it, you know.
I am reading a book, 'Incest and Sexuality' and it is designed to help someone like me, who has been through what I have, but it scares me to realize that there is probably more inside me that has yet to come out.
I am getting to the point that I feel like I would be better off in a hospital or institution...that I don't have anything left to give anyone that is of enough value to keep me here.  In fact, I guess I feel worthless, and bothersome, and anything but good company.
I feel like nothing but a burden, and every day I am struggling with the reality that maybe I don't belong in this world.  And I never get through a day that I don't consider how easy it would be to just make my exit...and this isn't what scares's staying that I find the most frightening right now.  I know I have to figure out how to turn this around...but I've lost my starting place somehow and so I grope along the walls of my mind looking for the right path...after all this time it seems like it shouldn't be this way or this hard or whatever...
I hope I find myself...soon...
I wish peace for you, my readers.