Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Hold on to that Hunk of Peace...

This is the first time that I have written a blog entry without knowing the title before starting...
There is so much to say and yet it is hard to say, hard to think about so many things this time of year.
I have survived the first anniversary of voluntarily euthanizing my physically healthy but mentally damaged horse.  I miss him and will forever...I am still heartbroken.
I am blessed to have my sons home for the holidays....but I have been reminded of how the flippant and righteous words of even a grown child can eviscerate...this reminder cutting through all of the hard work I have done to piece together a 'life worth living', cutting through all that I don't remember about the time before my suicide, cutting and cutting and cutting....I am still heartbroken.
I am blessed that I made a little bit of money this year and finally could feel like I could take care of my own 'expenses', i.e. the horses, knowing that the resentment my husband did and still does hold toward these 'expenses' impacted my pre- and post-suicide relationship with him.  I let him borrow most of this money and I am terrified that he won't pay me back, putting me right back where I was two years ago....helpless, hopeless, seeing no way out, no good answers or outcomes....I have tried to relay this to him, and I don't know if that was a good idea, as I also know that he would still be happy to have the pre-suicide wife-bot 'back', back the way it used to be....I am still afraid.
So I am feeling a bit fragile, and mad at myself for being fragile.  I have considered 'going through the motions' in lieu of being my authentic self, just to make it through this time without causing anyone any problem or reason to hurt me, to cut me any deeper, push me any farther down into myself.  I spent a lifetime going through the motions and I know that this is something that would be too dangerous for me to try to do ever again....I am more than a little afraid, and more than a little heartbroken.
No, I am not interested in taking my own life....or in homicide, either.  I don't know if there are words for 'where I am' or whatever you want to call it.  I guess that two years later, we are each (my family members and myself) still trying to figure things out, trying to grow up, trying to find a way to be comfortable with each other and these different relationships that we have with each other, looking at then, now, and into the future.
It is hard, and scary, and heartbreaking.  I get weary of everything being so hard, of being afraid and feeling so very alone, and of all of this pain: the physical, mental, emotional...I feel like I am constantly a part of some kind of test or study, one to see how much a post-suicidal person can take before they break.  I guess it is stupid of me to think that there will come a day when I will be somehow released from all of this shit and I will be pronounced to be 'okay', or 'normal', or 'no longer a threat'.  I guess it will be up to me to toss away the parts that I no longer need and make my own load lighter to carry.  I guess...I don't know...can only guess....
I am holding on to a big hunk of peace, keeping it close to my heart....keeping myself quiet and safe. Hope you can do the same...find yourself a hunk of peace and hold onto it, for dear life, hold on!!

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