Monday, September 17, 2012

Living Without a Generous Heart...

I have tried and tried to reconcile why I do not want to stay married to my husband.  I believe in forgiveness, and I feel like I have forgiven him for many things, as he has forgiven me, I'm sure.  But the truth of the matter is that I resigned myself to live with certain parts of my husband's nature, things that can't be changed by anyone but him.  As I have come out of the fog I have realized that the thing I can't get past, and the thing that used to drain me of energy over and over, trying to neutralize the effects....he does not possess a generous heart.  He is stingy with what he gives, and ravenous for whatever he can get his greedy hands on of others' offerings.  I think of all the things that I gave up, willingly, to keep my family going...things I cherished and will never see again.  He has not given up anything.  He has hoarded the things that he feels are valuable, even things to which he has no sentimental attachment.  
I cannot live with this much longer.  I lived with it for decades, in my old life, and it dragged me into abyss after abyss.  Now, I see him itching, seriously, to get a little of what I have worked so hard to have.  He slowly talks about how broke we are in that vague way that I now know is just a manipulation on him part.  He pauses to see if I will interject and ask how I can help....I have nothing to say, I take care of what I need to, but he will not touch what I have.  For a time I weakened, but no more.  I have learned that you can never satisfy someone that is not of a generous heart....they are a bottomless pit, and enough is never enough.
I had to die for this realization to sink in....I thought it was my fault, of course.  I tried to fix it so many times, when it was never mine to fix.  Now, I just have nothing to say.  I will not let his black aura of greed and need get on me ever again.  As I have learned in DBT group, I am teflon, and none of that blackness will be sticking to me.  I can watch and be amused, even.  And unfortunately, he can never make it up to me.  He can never fix this, and in fact, he probably doesn't even realize that it is there to begin with.  Because it is part of who he is, just like it is part of who I am to open up and give of myself, my things, whatever.  It means more to me to see the happiness I can bring and the goodness that I can pass along by giving than it means to hold on to it for myself.  I am happy and I am good and I am teflon....yeah...if you have someone out there that is draining all the energy, all the good, all the life from you, refill yourself, and from that moment forward, be teflon, imagine an invisible shield or bubble around you, keeping others from being able to tap in to your reservoir of happiness and goodness and love.  just repeat after me.....'I am teflon'....

No comments:

Post a Comment