Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September 11th....

I think we all have our memories and feelings regarding the events that took place on 9/11/2001.  I remember it...I was at home and we had no TV and bad dial-up, and my mom called me from her work to tell me what was happening...at this point it had just begun unfolding...the first tower had been hit....I got in my car and drove from the north end of the county to her house on the south end of the county, so that I could see what was happening on TV.  I got there in time for the rest of it.  I thought it looked like a movie, one of those action things with great special effects.  But it was real.
The impact of seeing those people jumping out of windows and the towers falling, the pentagon burning ( I had several good friends that worked in D.C. and couldn't reach them, wouldn't know what happened to them, for many hours.  It took a long time, or seemingly so, to grasp it all, all of the components of these heinous acts: those planes were real, regular old airline planes, full, FULL, of people and full of fuel...flying bombs; those buildings really fell down, buildings that I had actually been in and been to the top of, back in 1988.
In the aftermath of 9/11 I decided that if there were things that I wanted to do or try that I should get to it, because none of us had the promise of a minute...anything could happen...  I taught myself how to play the guitar, I started singing and playing in front of people, in microphones, made recordings, got paid to do shows....crazy, crazy for someone like me, with no self-esteem or confidence.  I used to feel like I was going to throw up when I would get up to the mike, and my mouth would go dry mid-song, so I'd have to stop and drink some water.  It became a big part of my life for nearly 10 years, culminating with having a band that included myself, my husband, my two sons, and one or two honorary family members.  It was awesome...it was such a special thing to me, and I never took it for granted.  We disbanded (pardon the pun) the fall of 2010, three or four months before I committed suicide.  I know that it ending had its own part in my decline.
But I did do something, learn something, make my mark, and fulfill the promise to myself that I would do something that I always wanted to do and never thought that I would.
In my aftermath, here in the fall of 2012, I am inspired by the people that survived, and the people that lost someone very close to them, and how they go on.  We all go on, the best way we can....even suicide victims and their families, we all go on.  If I was who I am now, and I experienced 9/11, I would feel the same way about wanting to make the most of my time on this earth.  I would be trying to make a difference in the lives of others, though, instead of my own.  And I would know true fulfillment....true love....

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