Thursday, September 27, 2012

Contemplations About the Future...

Please excuse any abnormally bad typos...i am typing on a laptop, and we don't really get along. I'm enjoying having a couple of days and nights alone, off the farm, where i can work and enjoy just being.  on my drive here i was so focused on the beauty around me, and i realized that i was truly just being, present and in the moment, moment to moment, just driving along with a little smile on my face.   It was wonderful, and wonderful to be able to know that i have come this far.  
Ah...back home on a real i was is wonderful to know that i have come this far, and that I will not allow myself to ever go back.  With all of the horrible things in the world and all of the horrible things that have happened in and around my life, i am happy!  I can't help it, i'm just happy.  I am only a few dollars away from permanently camping somewhere, but it doesn't matter, or it does, but i won't let it rule me.  I won't run around chasing after something that only becomes more elusive the harder it is chased.  I will sit here and smile and enjoy each and every new day...because it is what i'm supposed to do.  I work of course, but my work is my passion and every day is new with my work, too.
I am constantly learning about myself, about what i'm made of these days.  I think about the future, too, but not too hard.  I could go with the Mayans.   Time on this earth could be that short.  I think that if the world doesn't end in december, there will be some new prediction of doom.  and another, and another....
I do know that I am meant to be alone, on my own, somewhere, somehow.  It will be hard, probably.  But deep down it is what i feel...what i look toward, if i look toward anything.  I am actually happy about it.  I hope i will find a way to live on my own and do so without having to live in a cardboard box or in my truck.  I would like to have my own little place someday.  maybe even a loft over a shop.  ah, i'm quite a dreamer for someone that wanted to die.  I wanted to die because i had ceased to have any dreams, any aspirations, any hope.  There was no light at the end of my tunnel or knot on the end of my rope.  And i still tread gingerly into dreaming territory....but i tread, i hope, i dream.  i am glad to be here...and i am supposed to be here and i am supposed to do something special, or monumental, or something....i don't know what that is yet, but it is in here and it will come out when the time is right.  i am okay waiting where i am, enjoying each passing moment, living smack dab in the middle of each and every one!

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