Thursday, October 4, 2012


It has taken me a long time to reach out and share my story.  Yes, I write this blog, but not that many people know that it even exists.  I finally feel strong and able enough to share the fact that I am documenting what happened to me, what I continue to learn about my past life, and how I feel about having a chance to be whole and adult and confident and happy.
I find that most people aren't really sure why I'm happy, with all of the hardships and accidents and heartbreaks that I have endured since my suicide.  I am happy in spite of those things. So many not-happy things happened and I have managed to learn and grow from them and turn their energy into happiness.  That doesn't mean that I have forgotten anything or been dismissive.  I just choose to be happy.  It isn't nearly as hard to do as trying to be perfect so everyone else can be happy.  Other people are not my problem, in that their issues are their issues, not my issues.  The teflon philosophy in action, I guess.
I have learned that I can gain strength from sharing my story.  I go to therapy every week, I got to group therapy every week, and I go to see my psychiatrist once a month.  I share with them all of the things that have been going on in my life, from remembering a past that anyone would want to forget, to relating how the different people in my life are relating to me, to admission of my bad days, days I cry and feel sorry for myself, mostly because I can't leave. Not yet.
I am fortunate that I know so many incredible people that are willing to share their stories with me, too.  We all have things to learn from each other's experiences, good and bad.
And recently I have begun a Servant Leadership class, where I share my 'wisdom' with other people, younger and older, and we are each fortified from the positive energy and pure love that we generate as a group and each take with us as we go about our week.  It is incredible so far, and I am supposed to be there, there is a divine reason that hasn't been revealed yet, but it is there.  It is kind of wild to be in a class for two and a half hours and feel your heart radiating outward the entire time, even while I'm driving toward class, I feel a pull, a force that is propelling me.
I hope that over time, people will feel enough at ease to share their stories with me thru this blog.  I consider this a huge part of my healing process.  I would love to be able to help others find their path toward healing.  Maybe I already am and just don't know it.  We all touch so many lives and share little bits and pieces that may not seem important to us at the time, but speak volumes to others.
So share, it is scary but if I can do it, you can too.

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