Its hard to believe that its Christmas again....and for many of us, its not a time of great joy and fond memories. I know that I am having a particularly difficult time staying out of the pit of depression, so I imagine that many of you are feeling likewise. Don't panic! Its quite normal....even regular people get depressed during the holidays. And why not? After all, it is driven by the need to find perfect presents and have perfect experiences.
I have had so many less-than-perfect holiday experiences that I shun the idea of even attempting 'jolly' and other things synonymous with this time of year. I am happy just to not be crying or completely enveloped in darkness. I was definitely headed there earlier this month, as recently as last week; and then I remembered that I have every right to feel the way I do about the 'holidays', and that I also have every right to medicate myself properly, so that I can get through these coming days.
I look back on the holiday season of 2010, the one before my suicide. Well, I can't honestly say that I 'look back' because I don't remember much about it....apparently I was already dissociated from everything and everyone and spent most of the time in a drunken stupor, depressed and sad and tearful and seeing that I didn't want any part of the holidays, which had become nothing more to me than a season of one disappointing thing after another. So I chose to stay as anesthetized as I could. And, because I was a pro at dissociation, I had no trouble convincing most of the people around me that I was just fine, just partying, just going through the motions laid down by our family's traditions....and those who saw through my ruse and attempted to help me found that there was no way to do that. I think I was already too far gone, and even I didn't know it yet.
Here I am, and its 2014....I have had a helluva year, for sure....just by virtue of the fact that I've relocated my life 1800 miles from family and friends, started a new relationship with the one person in the world that I truly trust completely, 'adopted' a teenage daughter, and spent every last penny that I had to my name to get here and take this chance on a new beginning. It is still terrifying, to say the least.
Yes, I've been depressed. I have been unavailable. I have dragged my sad ass out of the stupor and made myself take my meds and try to at least be HERE. I know that being HERE is the antidote for dissociating. So I am working hard to stay HERE.
There is so much positive that is taking place: we have our new home, and it feels good!! I have set up my new studio space, and also my desk with computer for writing and blogging and helping my partner with our business. We have our own room, and Jay has her own room, and we have a positive outlook for the coming year as far as our businesses go.
I know that when someone is depressed, they don't see the positive in anything...or if they do they just don't care enough to allow it to lift them up. Depression is a truly harsh mistress...she will suck every last bit of energy and motivation out of the strongest among us. So I address this post to all of you who find yourselves depressed or getting depressed or thinking of the dreaded 'S'! I know that this time of year brings on more suicides and attempted suicides than any other.
I want you to know that you aren't alone. If you have no one else, please, feel free to contact me via email or through the blog's comment section. I will be here. I am always available to anyone who needs to know that they're not alone, or to anyone who is heavy-hearted due to having lost someone to suicide and just need to talk to someone who can understand. I can be that person. I have been that person for many people. It is my job to be that person for you, whoever you are, whatever your situation. So PLEASE don't be standoffish or afraid...I'm here....and of course, there are local organizations that you can contact, places you can go....but sometimes that is just too much....because when you get truly depressed, it takes too much effort to do most everything.
I AM HERE!!!! And I want you to know that I am more than happy to just listen....no judgements, no advice (unless you want it), no hassle....I just have big ears and big shoulders and I am not afraid to hear your story, ease your burden, just be there for you. I AM HERE!
I will be blogging more frequently now that I have a computer. I will be checking for correspondence....
I hope you have a good Christmas Eve....I am going to make something and play my guitar and do a little cleaning and just try to keep myself occupied with the day-t0-day so that I can stay HERE. I will be back tomorrow and I will be checking periodically throughout the day and night....and you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or text me at 720-526-1306 if you need to reach out...I AM HERE!!!!
Much love and hope and healing to you today.....