Thursday, November 20, 2014

Thanks, Dear Friend!

And its a new day....another opportunity to take things out and look at them and appreciate all of the gifts and blessings of this life.
Its funny, but even as I sit here, not knowing where I'll be sitting a couple of weeks from now, I am grateful. I can feel nothing but gratitude to the Universe for being given this chance to live my life.  I am no cheerleader; anyone who knows me would probably question that, as I cheer regularly for those who can't, and send love and healing to those who need it, even when I don't know what my circumstances could be tomorrow.  But I know that the only answer ever to any problem is love and gratitude for what I already have.
As I stated yesterday in my blog post, I know that the "S" box is there....maybe it will always be there...not as a possible solution, but as a gentle reminder of how effed up things can become and how twisted the mind can make things if one isn't aware of oneself.  So I choose to stay "alert and grateful", as a dear, dear friend of mind reminded me yesterday.
I am blessed to have several friends that I have known most of my life.  I don't see any of them often and don't hear from most of them on a regular basis.  I am grateful, though, that one of my oldest and dearest and closest friends is now a couple of thousand miles closer to me, and we have begun to rekindle our sisterhood.  Last night we messaged a while and then ended up talking on the phone.  It was great to be reminded of the fact that we survived our childhoods.  We had very different ones, yet we were bound by the things we knew about each other; not just what we could express to each other at the time....the things we silently observed about each other's lives; and now we can discuss those things that we were forbidden to say as children.  I appreciate this lifts me up in a way that can't really be put into words....the intimacy that most people never experience....because most childhood friendships fall away.  Most people don't want to be reminded of their pasts and their roots and the way their childhood shaped them into who they are today.
But the thing is, we can't truly grow up and go forward until we can reconcile the past, forgive those who hurt us, whether knowingly or cluelessly, and move on.  So, being able to have someone that I can actually talk with and examine events or situations and gain perspective...its just priceless.  I know she feels the same way.  We give so much to each much insight into why we are the way we are, what we learned from each other and the other people in our lives...I could go on and on....but the point is, it is a huge gift to have a friend like I do.  It was very healing for me to spend time talking with her last night.  I needed it, too! And I know it was the same for her....that we are a blessing for each other now, whereas there was a time when our relationship ran one-way, as many of my old relationships seemed to go.  And as we were talking, she clued me in on the fact that I was 'that person' for her, and for my mother, and for my husband, and probably for others, too....'that person' that somehow they 'had to be' attached to.....which made me come to realize that all of that fucked up codependence that was laid on me until it broke was thought of as some important gift that I 'gave'....even as it ate me alive.  Wow!  What a revelation!
Now I am no longer a receptacle for that kind of energy....even though I know so much about so many people and I am a voluntary beacon for the Universe ....I know how I can help people and how I can un-damage them.....I also know how to help people and be there for them while at the same time being able to shield myself from any negativity or misdirected ills.  I guess somehow the Universe found a way to show me how to use all of that 'training' from my first morph it into the energy that I put out into the world now....and I am grateful for the reminder that without those unpleasant, destructive relationships I wouldn't be who I am now...and I wouldn't know how to do my job the right way and with the right intention, which is everything....
There are so many opportunities for gratitude....and so many surprises in that we can take something that was once a burden and may have killed us and turn it into something to be grateful for and to use as 'experience' as we traverse our lives, our paths....appreciate every little thing....for there's a lesson in there somewhere to be mined when the time is right....maybe because a good friend reminds you that the worst parts of  'where you came from' can become the best parts of who you grow up to be....
I'll close with a quote I saw this morning on affirmation:  "I love the person I've become because I fought to become her."  Yeah......namaste....

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