I think I've had a hard time figuring out what to say, and how to say, the things that I've experienced lately....in my last post I talked about the universe, the moon, and how apparent its become that there are many things that affect our lives, our feelings our moods, etc., that can't be explained easily, but are there nonetheless.
The current moon cycle has been full of a very malleable energy, and each and every person that I've discussed it with has had a slightly different experience, based on how they allowed the energy to come through them through their lives.....for me, I worked at using this energy in a positive way, and it has allowed me to truly open my mind and heart even wider, even deeper, than I've ever experienced or given myself over to. It has left me full of awe and love and a rare perspective, a peaceful optimism about my path and where it is taking me.
I was truly, deeply shocked and sadly affected by the news yesterday that one of my personal heroes, Robin Williams, had chosen to take his life and exit this world. I am still unable to participate in the usual day-to-day activities, such as Facebook, looking at any kind of news or really interacting with anyone...I guess I am in mourning, in my own way. Everything else seems so trivial and superficial that I have no desire to just jump in and talk about stupid shit, or take a survey to see what color of shoes I should wear....stuff like that....I just can't...maybe tomorrow, but not today.
For those of us that have experienced the darkness, the emptiness, the ability to completely dissociate from life in order to do what it takes to end a life....to end one's own life....to say goodbye forever to everything and everyone....well, we know something of how even such a larger-than-life person as Robin Williams could make such a decision. How it was something he'd likely been contemplating for some time...until some turn of events was just the last one thing, the thing that allowed him to come to the place where he was just done....
I wish that someone had found him in time....the way someone found me just in time, literally, to keep me here. But that wasn't meant to be, and being a suicide survivor, I can understand that the line is awfully fine between living and dying, and in dying and coming back.... angry and altered and feeling cheated out of something indescribable. So from that perspective, I truly respect that this man couldn't find any reason to stay on this earth any longer....that it was his choice to leave us all, to leave his family and friends, his legions of fans...but even with that special understanding, I do wish that he had not succeeded. Its a strange mix of emotions that I feel...not that it matters to anyone but me. I have to believe that any of you out there that loved Robin Williams, and are also suicide survivors are having similar feelings from the sting of knowing that this awesome man managed to do what we, at one time, so desperately wanted to do.
But, you know, we can't know what tortured him so...maybe someone in his life was a confidante that knows more about his story than we'll ever be privy to...it's not our story, its his story. And the true story may never be revealed. I'm sure that it is much to painful for his family to fathom, especially at this point.
I think its important to just be aware of the fact that most people, at some point in their lives, do at least entertain the idea of suicide. I remember being inundated with people that wanted me to know that they understood, because they had thought about suicide at some time in their life. And I had to tell them that there is a long and strange and dark journey between thinking about taking your life to getting to the place where you can actually do it. And that I was glad that they only got as far as thinking about it. That they don't want to know the place one goes in order to perform the act of suicide.
Please, if you can, if you're at a place where you don't feel too fragile to do so, reach out to other people...let them know that you are there for them, if they ever come to the place where they are contemplating such an act. I guess its a way to pay it forward, kind of how I feel about this blog...knowing that there are people who read my words and hopefully find help there. Just because we have tried to die doesn't mean that we aren't capable of helping other people...in fact, I think we are the infinitely qualified beings for just that.
I think I have said all that I can say today...and I hope that it will inspire you to use your intimate knowledge on the subject and reach out to others who might be in trouble. The world is full of people who are lonely and depressed and afraid and whose lives can be saved, their thinking changed, however you want to put it....we are our own little army of survivors....and we can help if we choose to....I hope you find help here and I absolutely bid you peace, love and understanding....and implore you to pass it on....thanks!