Friday, January 16, 2015

And Now I am Four....

Yep, I made it through my ReBirthday....which for me begins on January 14th and ends on January 15th....a long 24 hours of reflections and growth.  This year it was different, as it seems to be every successive year from the date of my death and rebirth.  
Being in a new home, new state, new relationship, new everything....has definitely allowed me a different kind of perspective than in the previous years.  I can see different choices for my future, as well as being able to see how, even a year ago, events were taking place that would eventually lead me to this new place on my path.  It has been quite the journey, this past year, and it feels pretty good to be settled for now.  I need to be settled for now, that is for sure.  It is harder to embrace than I thought it would be, this being settled.  I am ever so watchful of my role here and I still keep my red flag system at the ready.  I don't know if that kind of safety system ever goes away or changes, can relax, at least with me. I hope that someday I can truly relax, and be myself, because it seems that even when I think I've gotten to that place, I realize that I am not there quite yet....closer, definitely....but not there yet.
But, I think the depression from the holidays and the anticipation of my rebirthday are lifting now.  It has been more of a battle than I expected it to be.  Like I said, I still have a ways to go.  I also have to give myself a break, considering that I relocated to what may as well be a foreign country, only 3 and 1/2 months ago....and we've only had our own house for a month.  I have just had a hard time, as I have had to figure out my place, my role, and also accept these things.  There are good days and bad and in-between....and I have come to realize that part of my problem is that I am NEVER alone.   Hopefully, once winter has passed, I will be able to get outside and garden and do things and not feel quite so trapped.  I don't do so well with 'trapped', as we all know.  I have days when I feel like a chauffeur and a cook and a laundry lady and nothing more.  There are times when I think that I should just get in my truck and head for somewhere else.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time, except maybe its just who I am, how I am.  I've spent so much time being used that I notice normal activities as being taken advantage of instead of just part of life.  I have to work through this somehow....
I spent a great deal of time the past two days reading from my journals.  I came across a few revelations; I can let go of the guilt from leaving my husband....I needed to leave him....and he needed me to leave him....long before I left.  I have done my best to repair the damage done by my suicide, and I can see that it has indeed been taken care of....I have good relationships with my boys, and they can go on with their lives now, as can I.  I have made peace with my mother....on terms we both can live with and be happy about. I am getting ready to start working on my books....which is why I had been going through the journals and other writings....I'm finally feeling ready to face the pages and words and see the progress and the pitfalls and turn all of that information into something that can help other people like me, and people's families and friends.  It will be very cathartic for me....and I feel strong enough, in spite of feeling unsettled, to take these projects on now.
So, I am now four....I can't say at what rate I have been 'growing up', but I think I am at the point of adulthood now....2014 was a year filled with big growing pains, and now I have to assimilate it all and be the woman I never got to be before.  And this is SCARY AS HELL!!!  But its time....I'll be okay, right?  I think ultimately I will be more than just okay....I just have to learn to LIVE this life, this gift that I've been given....
I have also come to a really important place spiritually.  I am starting to really understand who I am inside and how important each moment is....especially since I very easily could not be here....and I am opening myself up to others again, even in this foreign place....the funny thing is, others have begun to be drawn to me again, so I know I'm putting myself out there spiritually for those who might need something from me, even if that something is just a smile.  
I think being four will be good for me.  I still have some digging to do, but I am ready to be open and to get into life.  It is my do-over in motion....and I have to keep my nerve up to stay on this ride instead of thinking I could just jump off....because this ride is my life and its a gift and I have made some wonderful choices that have put great love and commonality in every moment, present and, I will tighten my seat belt and just go with it....why not?
I will be using my journals for some posts in the near much stuff to share that I had forgotten about, and forgotten that the journals were originally going to be the basis of this blog.  So, as I go through them, I'll be sharing with you how it felt then, and how it feels now.  It will be therapeutic for me and hopefully for you, too.  

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