i ask myself why i have not been able to write...or blog...or focus on the thoughts that i need to turn into words. it is so easy to convey how you feel when you feel good...and certainly not so easy when you feel bad. probably because feeling bad can lead to suicide, among other things. sometimes its just a good cry, or a need to apologize, or be apologized to. sometimes there is no reason, and right now i feel bad. i have tears right behind my eyes most of the time. i don't let them out. not yet.
i think when everything is rosy that we feel like we have at least the appearance of control over things. really, we don't have any more than any other time. really, we just need to let go of that thought altogether, because there is no such thing as having control...or being controlled, either. it is just a dance of thoughts and words going on inside, where we can perceive good and evil, right and wrong, etc., but where it is just a bunch of perceptions - nothing real. i think the loneliness is for something to be real in a land where nothing real exists. i feel lonely, but there is no cure for it. i fill my time and it is there, and i fill my tummy and it is there, and i fill my pockets and it is there....i empty everything....and it is there, just there. it is one side of an argument waiting for the other side to come and be it's dance partner. it is crazy.
i can say that there is no way to escape being ill. i have a mental illness, and i have a physical illness. i can't escape from them. they are part of me, just like my skin and my heart.
i wonder if other people feel this way. i suspect that there are those that do, and there are those that wouldn't ever dig this deep, because they don't want to find what they know is waiting there for them...the parts of themselves that may not fit quite right with the rest. its okay. i actually envy those people so much of the time. i have always been one of the people that feels too much and knows too much and thinks way too much. its what makes me a good artist....creativity is a positive path for my excesses to flow out of me.
well, maybe i should go and create something and let me tears recede a little more.
that isn't a bad idea...i just have to get past the pain....
remember, its okay to feel bad...its much better than feeling nothing...its just hard to know how to direct such feelings and figure out how to turn the bad into something we can live with, since it is a part of who we are.