Wednesday, May 29, 2013

There is No Afterglow...There is No Happy Ending

I am not sure what my title means.  maybe it will expose itself here in my words.  I am finally back home from farm-sitting in my former home, with my former animals (miss them so much).  I could not get here fast enough.  It was like being in a foreign place; a place that i don't fit in any way, and that is as it should be.  If anything, i have been very reassured that i did the right thing in leaving and beginning the changes to my life and lifestyle that are for this 'me'.  I am 100% positive that the old 'me' is dead.
My mother tried her best to resurrect the old me, to engage me in something that would get me upset.  It was interesting to see and hear her reactions to things as we talked.  And by the last day, her real self started surfacing and came out in to show her ugliness.  I guess for her its always there, right below the surface, and probably takes a lot of energy to try to control.  I came close to falling into her trap, but she showed her true self just in time for me to save myself.  I have undone the patched knots and let her go...i hope that she will find some help for herself, real help for her real self.  My encounters with her are sending me back to therapy, so that I can sort it out under supervision.  I'm smart enough and care enough about my own mental health to know that I can't do it alone.
Sadly, it brought on momentary thoughts of asking my husband to just hold me and comfort me, but I was cognizant enough to let those feelings pass and not cause more issues.  It is hard, this aloneness, when it comes to the need of comforting, soothing.  i am still learning how to comfort myself, and it is hard.
I am exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically from it all.  I luckily have a home that is in itself a wonderful retreat.  I luckily have a friend that can help me just by listening, as I help her in the same way.  I am lucky to have such wonderful friends, that is for sure.  I include my husband as one of my friends.  We are never going to be anything more than friends, but we are good at being friends, so its okay.  There are just some things that I can't ask of him.
But I am home and safe and I hope that you all have a place that you can feel 'home and safe', too.  It is the best thing, the most important blessing, that we can have.
I have so much more to say, and I will get back as soon as I can...until then....hug your peace, hug yourself....enjoy each moment, and make the most of it.  you are loved and you are worthy of love....don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, you might want to consider that they don't belong in your life anymore.  but again...the moment, and the back soon...

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