Monday, October 5, 2015

I Know Too Much Now

I know....a strange title.  Well, its been a long month....where to begin?
I had been waiting for two and a half years for my disability hearing, which finally took place in July.  Then I had to wait two months to find out that my claim had been denied. .. again!  I had really believed that this was going to be the end of this and that my claim would be approved and I could actually have something of my own.   I've been struggling. ...hard....financially and personally.  I was ready to have an income that would allow me to have my own tiny house and not have to depend on the kindness and good graces of other people in order to exist....otherwise I would be homeless.  
So, bottom line is that when my claim was denied,  I spiraled VERY QUICKLY into a deep depression.   I didn't think I was going to make it through this....and didn't think I wanted to. ...saw no reason to go on.  I started planning my suicide. ...I did!  I counted out my meds and figured out how and where and when.  But something was different.  I could feel myself dissociating, and I could stop it....or not.  I know too much now. ...I know what it would do to my friends and family....because if I had decided to go through with it. ....I would not fail again.  I know too much how I screwed up the other time because I didn't go to a hotel instead of staying home.  Given the fact that it was a matter of a couple of minutes between my being able to be brought back and my leaving this world for good....all because I was at home instead of an undisclosed location.
So I guess what saved me was knowing too much.  That and the love and faith of my beloved and my mom.  And also, I gave myself over to the depression. ...on purpose. ...I cried, and walked miles and miles of beach, and I cried, and let my beloved hold me and be my rock.  I cried. ...over and over again.
Then I started to feel like I could have a life. . .make a life ....get back to what was important to me and hopefully save some lives. I have these books to write. ...I have many things to create....I have a family who loves me. ...friends who love me like family. ...I am blessed. ....not cursed.  I will get through this and be better for it. 
So I am "coming out" the world. a suicide attempt survivor.   I have joined groups of people like myself.  I am also getting involved in the artisan community online and on a local level.  I have plenty to live for. ...even if it is still financially hard right now. .. it will get better! 
I will survive!  I have begun the books now. .. still hoping to have some of my readers share their stories... and I will see what this all morphs into. ...hopefully I'll be hosting small retreats by next year.  I'll also be vending at a couple of local markets starting in the spring. ...goodkharmarethreads is morphing, too, and I can see art becoming therapy and profits going towards helping others.  
I guess I really can see a future. ...created by myself. ...without fear. ...because its why I didn't die the first time.  I am not finished yet.
I still need your help. ...input. ...stories. ...advice.!
Don't be afraid. will all be confidential!
I must go have dinner. ...have a fine night and stay in the arms of peace.

1 comment:

  1. Glad that you know too much now. I am applying for Disability myself as I have attempted to return to work several times and end up in hospital. Part of me doesn't want to do it because I have heard it is so hard to get! I have had enough rejection! I am moving forward with starting my private practice all over. I hear you about money. I am getting ready to sell my car so I can pay rent 3 months in advance. Keep following your passion.