There is plenty going on inside my head these days. I am still learning to be still and pay attention, not be reactive, and stay positive. One of the things I am doing, as I've mentioned before, is going back through my journals that I've been keeping since I was in the psych ward following my suicide, back in January 2011.
I came across this entry the other day, and I knew I should share it with you. When I look back at this long journey I've been taking since my re-birth, I realize that I spent so much time paralyzed, and that I still have those times, but at least not as often.
There are many recurring themes in my journaling, and trying to figure out my relationship with my husband has been one such theme. It took me a while to come to terms with his part in my death and re-birth. This particular entry, especially rereading it now, is oh so telling....
December 21, 2011
"A waste of good coffee - one more spoonful would make all of the difference, yet every morning that my husband makes coffee, its one scoop/spoonful too weak, can't be fixed.
I guess that sums it up, and is an analogy of my marriage - one spoonful light in love, passion, respect. Oh well, that's the way it goes. I am the bad one, the one to blame, the bitch. At least I'm used to the role, and now it doesn't come with me also feeling shame, guilt, fear, etc. That one spoonful is not my lack; it is someone else's. I am more likely to add an extra scoop, not omit one."
So there you have it. It is one of those things that would be so insignificant, except that back before I died, for quite a few years, I could tell when it was time for some 'pity sex' when the coffee got weaker. I guess it was a passive/aggressive way of getting my attention? And it was so....because after some 'pity sex' the coffee got stronger again, at least for a while. I think of all the pots of coffee I poured down the drain so that I could make a pot that actually tasted like coffee instead of burned water. Years of pouring out this wasted liquid. And actually, because my husband also had serious 'cheapskate' issues, knowing that he did this on purpose....ugh! Kind of sad, huh?
Well, I never have to deal with that again....my beloved loves my coffee, and doesn't mind that I add two extra scoops....for he knows what we all know....you can always make strong coffee less strong by adding a little water, but you can't fix it if its not strong enough....its just a waste of good coffee.