I can't believe that I've been so remiss with my blogging....but I also know that there's been so much upheaval and negativity in the atmosphere these past few weeks, I've actually been at a loss as to what to say here. I thought I could continue sharing my "lessons", but they have been coming at me with such intensity and frequency that it has taken a lot of energy just to decipher the events in my day to day.
I can say that the bottom line has been the same: LET GO!
Now, this letting go has encompassed many areas of my life. I have really had to let go of my reactions to the goings-on around me, rather than trying to take some kind of false responsibility and be a fixer of things that really aren't mine to fix. I have had to let go of many material possessions, whether by selling my own clothes and shoes on ebay, or selling and hocking my jewelry (what little there was), in order to have the money for such necessities as refilling my meds.
I've also had to let go of the outcome of the relationships in my life....and try to understand what I need to do next. This has probably been the hardest thing....dealing with the fact that love doesn't pay the bills, put food on the table, etc. Also that there is a great deal of conflict inside regarding being part of parenting someone else's child: my parenting style is not the same as my partner's. I have struggled greatly to let go of my feelings here....to understand the 'whys' for the philosophy my partner has for raising his daughter. I have come to the conclusion that this may be something that could end this relationship; this and the financial woes, however temporary, that we're experiencing at the present time. My need for security and some kind of order may send me packing one day. I can't handle the anxiety that goes along with raising a teenager, or the pressure that comes with having little or no control over my financial situation, and none over the household's finances.
I keep looking for a sign from the Universe, you know, advising me as to what I should do about these things. There is a big part of me that believes that maybe my work here is done, and I should move on to a place where I can do other good works. There is a big part of me that wants to stay here, with my beloved, and just ride this storm out, knowing that its just a storm, knowing that there will always be storms to deal with, along with rainbows and sunny endings. I don't know.
And, of course, all of this angst has been paralyzing for me. It has also taken my thoughts straight to the "S" solution, almost daily. Yes, its the easy way out. Its something I am actually at peace with doing, which is not necessarily a good thing. It is always lurking in the background....and the knowing that I could do it is like a security blanket. This saddens me more than I can relate to you in words. Its not like I want to die....I just don't want to live another downtrodden, hand-to-mouth poor, emotionally deadened life. So I look at options. And leaving this life (literally) will always seem like a viable option for those of us who have done it before.
The good thing is that I also know I have other options. The downside is that many of them involve messing up peoples' lives, lives that have improved with my physical absence. Lives that have blossomed and left the arms of co-dependency. I don't want to be the thing that ruins the hard work that others have done to improve themselves just so I can have a place to stay or feel 'safe'. I think that re-entering some peoples' lives would be worse for them than my other exit strategy. Or maybe I'm just justifying my potential actions....that would make sense.
So I work....I paint and sew and sell stuff and do my best to keep busy and somewhat productive. I wait....my lawyers keep pushing back my hearing date for disability, and they don't give a rat's ass if I live in poverty, or at the expense and mercy of others. They just know that the longer they wait, the more money they'll get out of the deal. My personal suffering is of little or no concern to them. I just want it to be over with. Its been almost two years and I am tired, not to mention that I've run out of things to sell or hock or trade for necessities.....but I wait. I know that this one thing would change my life for the better and give me that feeling of security that I just don't have and haven't had in too many years now.
I hope that this post doesn't overly depress anyone. I am not sharing my life and feelings to be validated or pitied, or to make anyone feel bad. I think these are things that everyone goes through, and healthier people breeze through, while those of us that have issues....we don't always see things as positively as we need to in order to survive.
I will get through this huge bump in the road. I am not ready to give up. I know that there are other things that I am still on this earth to do, and I will fight my emotions in order to stay and do them. Like the books I should be writing, and the art I should be listing on-line. I have so many things that I want to accomplish this time around; even when I feel as unmotivated as I do at present, I know that I have things to do, people to help, animals to rescue....I'll get there.
Hopefully my next post will be a little more positive and helpful. Sometimes we all need to put into words the things that we are feeling and fearing. If we're lucky, this allows us to look at our feelings and fears and then let them go....let go! (there it is again!) Keep letting go of the things that no longer serve you....hard as that is! I will do the same....let's see where this takes us!
I will do my best to be back soon.....until then, namaste'!