In my last post I shared my epiphany from February 5th, about the ego and how it was time for me to realign mine back to a healthy state....and, as I also shared, this was easier said than done. So, today I will share my "Today's Lesson" from February 6th:
My lesson today....more letting go. The Universe insists that I shed my ego:
E-GO - lEt-GO - okay!
My karma is not attached to anyone else's. It is mine and my responsibility to try to improve myself and what I release into the world. I am having with this - the realization that I am alone with my karma. And, that if letting go of my ego affects another's ego negatively (as in making it bigger), that is their karma, not mine. Their choice to seize power that is up for grabs, or let it go.
I have to release myself from my ideology here and then I hope I can let go of my ego. I don't want it. I just want to be happy. I want to be off of the 'Samsara Ride' (In Buddhism, samsara is the cycle of suffering that all beings strive to overcome in order to be able to be truly happy and compassionate and enlightened). Only I can make the choice for myself to change, to get off this 'ride' of suffering and move on - move forward on my path.
The interconnectedness (with my beloved) is just so close that it is confusing at times. And the rejection is part of my karma - payback for those I've rejected.
I understand this. I will eat it and try to digest it and not spit it out....let it all go.
To clarify things - the rejection I am referring to is from my deep desire to be with my partner physically, basically offering myself to him, and not being taken up on my offer. This was such a blow to my ego - ego that I didn't even realize was inside me - and my reaction was anger and resentment and other such negative emotions.
Truthfully, this was the best thing that could have happened to me....it has allowed me to see the holes in my spiritual education and growth, and to address issues that I now know are directly related to my past....lack of self-worth, self-love, self-esteem....thinking that my sexual self was supposed to be used as a control tool....I could keep going, but I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.
I will try to be back tomorrow and continue this with my next day's lesson (2/7) and it's effect on, well, on everything. It is interesting when I see how the life I was forced to lead as a child and teen, and then the life I chose to lead as an 'adult', and the factors that ultimately led me to choose death over life....well, that its all a process of shedding and growing....and the realization that I'm not finished by a long shot....and that its okay!