Sunday, August 26, 2012

Why Can't I Fix It?

Today is my eldest son's 26th birthday.  This is the first time in his life that I don't know where he is or how to reach him....and I don't mean calling his cell phone.
I know that when I tried to kill myself he was really lost, and he tried really hard to cover this up by acting overly-confident and aloof.  He was angry for a long time and I thought at one point that I had reached through that anger and that we were on better ground.  But he is back in dangerous territory and I would give my right arm to help him, but he doesn't want my help.
I have taught myself to deal with the immense fallout from my suicide by treating it as payment for this life, this new life that I love, even after all of the horrendous things that happened last year.  I could blame myself for everything, but that wouldn't be very correct or productive.  I did that in my last life, and it didn't work out too well for me.
On days like this, I feel so powerless all over again.  Maybe this is normal; I don't know, since I don't have any idea how to define 'normal' and I have a very different view of feeling powerless these days.  I just want to see my son, hard as it will be, uncomfortable as it will be, just downright tedious...I want to hug him, that's all.  I know that my words just anger him and his words just anger me, so I just want to hug him.  I have no idea if I will get that opportunity...
I just hope that he will find his way, and get out there and do what he says he wants to do, and figure out who he is, his authentic self. And then learn to love that authentic self....its a tall order for this one...keep your fingers crossed for him, will you?  He needs all the love and luck that he can get.....

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