I don't usually post things that are not in some way upbeat....I am out of upbeat right now. I guess its just as important to talk about how I feel when I'm visited by fear and doubts and can't find a way to love myself or really care about my wellbeing.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge of something nameless. And I am scared...I know it would be easy to just dissociate from this scared person and go on with it, but I know where that can take me, too. I hate feeling so fragile. And I don't know how to explain it to regular people. I don't even want to have to explain it, you know.
I am reading a book, 'Incest and Sexuality' and it is designed to help someone like me, who has been through what I have, but it scares me to realize that there is probably more inside me that has yet to come out.
I am getting to the point that I feel like I would be better off in a hospital or institution...that I don't have anything left to give anyone that is of enough value to keep me here. In fact, I guess I feel worthless, and bothersome, and anything but good company.
I feel like nothing but a burden, and every day I am struggling with the reality that maybe I don't belong in this world. And I never get through a day that I don't consider how easy it would be to just make my exit...and this isn't what scares me...it's staying that I find the most frightening right now. I know I have to figure out how to turn this around...but I've lost my starting place somehow and so I grope along the walls of my mind looking for the right path...after all this time it seems like it shouldn't be this way or this hard or whatever...
I hope I find myself...soon...
I wish peace for you, my readers.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
...Then the Tree House Was Full...
I am home now, and wanted to let you know about the second week in the tree house...so completely different from the first, yet full of lessons and opportunities for loving-kindness.
So after a week of solitude, with only a couple of trips to 'town', my friends returned from their vacation on Friday night. About twenty minutes later, the van full of travelers returning from Germany via Newark also arrived. So where there had been me....there were seven people. But it was okay, other than there being times of too many in a room, mostly we were able to distribute ourselves around the place without issue. The mother-in-law went home on Saturday morning, leaving my friend's sister and her two youngest sons, 11 and 13. Now she is also a soul sister and soul family member to me, so it was great to spend time with her.
And she had much to teach me...she was facing the first anniversary of her husband's death (which she made it through with flying colors earlier this week), and not sure how she wanted to be, where she wanted to be, who she wanted to be with. We talked alot about life and death, and i finally told her my whole story, and how it made me feel, knowing that i had wanted so desperately to die, and how her husband had wanted so desperately to live. She made me feel so humble and strong at the same time. She is working so hard to be all things to her boys and keep herself together too. It was good to see her let herself have fun and laugh with us and just be. I think after the trip, and all of the mix of personalities involved, she needed the kind of downtime that she got at the tree house. I made sure that she got alot of uninterrupted time with her sister, and so I got to spend some time with my soul brother. I couldn't imagine not having him in my family.
So we spent the week shopping and feeding ourselves and each other....food and love and unconditional understanding....it was good. I came home on Tuesday, driving all day through one rainstorm after another. It was exhausting and I was so very glad when I made it home. I miss my friends already...we are so connected and it is hard to be so far from them. but it is good...I love my home and was glad to get back...I have much to do, to get ready for some upcoming events where I will be selling my art.
I am quietly inspired by my experiences while away....I will weave that into all that I do as I journey through this world this week....I hope you have someone or something that inspires you and helps to keep you going...if you don't, try to find it, as it will make a huge difference in your sense of yourself and your wellbeing....much peace to you...
So after a week of solitude, with only a couple of trips to 'town', my friends returned from their vacation on Friday night. About twenty minutes later, the van full of travelers returning from Germany via Newark also arrived. So where there had been me....there were seven people. But it was okay, other than there being times of too many in a room, mostly we were able to distribute ourselves around the place without issue. The mother-in-law went home on Saturday morning, leaving my friend's sister and her two youngest sons, 11 and 13. Now she is also a soul sister and soul family member to me, so it was great to spend time with her.
And she had much to teach me...she was facing the first anniversary of her husband's death (which she made it through with flying colors earlier this week), and not sure how she wanted to be, where she wanted to be, who she wanted to be with. We talked alot about life and death, and i finally told her my whole story, and how it made me feel, knowing that i had wanted so desperately to die, and how her husband had wanted so desperately to live. She made me feel so humble and strong at the same time. She is working so hard to be all things to her boys and keep herself together too. It was good to see her let herself have fun and laugh with us and just be. I think after the trip, and all of the mix of personalities involved, she needed the kind of downtime that she got at the tree house. I made sure that she got alot of uninterrupted time with her sister, and so I got to spend some time with my soul brother. I couldn't imagine not having him in my family.
So we spent the week shopping and feeding ourselves and each other....food and love and unconditional understanding....it was good. I came home on Tuesday, driving all day through one rainstorm after another. It was exhausting and I was so very glad when I made it home. I miss my friends already...we are so connected and it is hard to be so far from them. but it is good...I love my home and was glad to get back...I have much to do, to get ready for some upcoming events where I will be selling my art.
I am quietly inspired by my experiences while away....I will weave that into all that I do as I journey through this world this week....I hope you have someone or something that inspires you and helps to keep you going...if you don't, try to find it, as it will make a huge difference in your sense of yourself and your wellbeing....much peace to you...
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
In a Place Full of Muses
I can completely compare and contrast my last post's subject: being in my old home and realizing that there is nothing of me left there, and being at my soul family's place in Virginia, where working and creating is effortless.
I came a long way just to pet sit Biker, my friends' dear pooch, who has terminal cancer. She has already outlived all of the vet's predictions, and is such a little bundle of love and happiness. I also have two kitties to take care of, but they are cats, and so they are cats and have their own ideas of how to spend their days and nights. They are lovely, nonetheless.
So, I have worked blissfully every day that my friends have been gone. I have gotten so much enjoyment from this work, and I think it shows in what I have created. I plan to spend this evening making some kids' stuff, which is especially fun to me.
I have come to realize that my spirit knows what it wants, and how I carefully I should feed it to stay healthy. I am learning to let go of those that would suck my soul dry if allowed. I am learning to love myself, and like myself, and hopefully this will lead to a better quality of self-care than I have been able to provide myself.
I know that I am not ever going to be cured of my issues...but I can live a productive and happy and generous life anyway. I guess I am meant to carry my illnesses with me on the road of life. I am going to encounter all kinds of people and obstacles and open doors and pain and joy. Just like everybody else.
It is hard to understand why the universe chooses for me to be motherless and to experience so much loss....but I know that I will gain a better understanding as time passes. I feel like a poster child for heartbreak. I don't mean this in a negative way, even though it sounds so. I mean that I am learning that there is nothing to be done but be thankful for whatever blessing allowed me to share my life with something or someone at all, and to keep going....pain is just part of the package. And if the only way to not experience this pain is to never share my life or myself or love something or someone, well, I choose to have loved, to have shared, to have experienced.
I guess my point is that we don't always get to choose, and if we attempt to do something when all signs are blaring "NO", "STOP", then we are fucked. just that simple.
But I am going to spend my time on top of this mountain in as blissful a frame of mind as I can conjure....not hard to do, as long as I keep myself here in the moment. I will hang with Biker and sew and let the creativity flow through me and into my work. I am blessed with this gift...and I will share it....
There is always a line at the rainbow bridge, as our four-legged soul family members take their turn to cross over. I wish them godspeed...and an eternity free from lack and hate and cruelty and pain.
And for you, hold your friends close, and tell them you love them every day....it is just a little thing that is such a big thing....it is life...
I came a long way just to pet sit Biker, my friends' dear pooch, who has terminal cancer. She has already outlived all of the vet's predictions, and is such a little bundle of love and happiness. I also have two kitties to take care of, but they are cats, and so they are cats and have their own ideas of how to spend their days and nights. They are lovely, nonetheless.
So, I have worked blissfully every day that my friends have been gone. I have gotten so much enjoyment from this work, and I think it shows in what I have created. I plan to spend this evening making some kids' stuff, which is especially fun to me.
I have come to realize that my spirit knows what it wants, and how I carefully I should feed it to stay healthy. I am learning to let go of those that would suck my soul dry if allowed. I am learning to love myself, and like myself, and hopefully this will lead to a better quality of self-care than I have been able to provide myself.
I know that I am not ever going to be cured of my issues...but I can live a productive and happy and generous life anyway. I guess I am meant to carry my illnesses with me on the road of life. I am going to encounter all kinds of people and obstacles and open doors and pain and joy. Just like everybody else.
It is hard to understand why the universe chooses for me to be motherless and to experience so much loss....but I know that I will gain a better understanding as time passes. I feel like a poster child for heartbreak. I don't mean this in a negative way, even though it sounds so. I mean that I am learning that there is nothing to be done but be thankful for whatever blessing allowed me to share my life with something or someone at all, and to keep going....pain is just part of the package. And if the only way to not experience this pain is to never share my life or myself or love something or someone, well, I choose to have loved, to have shared, to have experienced.
I guess my point is that we don't always get to choose, and if we attempt to do something when all signs are blaring "NO", "STOP", then we are fucked. just that simple.
But I am going to spend my time on top of this mountain in as blissful a frame of mind as I can conjure....not hard to do, as long as I keep myself here in the moment. I will hang with Biker and sew and let the creativity flow through me and into my work. I am blessed with this gift...and I will share it....
There is always a line at the rainbow bridge, as our four-legged soul family members take their turn to cross over. I wish them godspeed...and an eternity free from lack and hate and cruelty and pain.
And for you, hold your friends close, and tell them you love them every day....it is just a little thing that is such a big thing....it is life...
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
There is No Afterglow...There is No Happy Ending
I am not sure what my title means. maybe it will expose itself here in my words. I am finally back home from farm-sitting in my former home, with my former animals (miss them so much). I could not get here fast enough. It was like being in a foreign place; a place that i don't fit in any way, and that is as it should be. If anything, i have been very reassured that i did the right thing in leaving and beginning the changes to my life and lifestyle that are for this 'me'. I am 100% positive that the old 'me' is dead.
My mother tried her best to resurrect the old me, to engage me in something that would get me upset. It was interesting to see and hear her reactions to things as we talked. And by the last day, her real self started surfacing and came out in to show her ugliness. I guess for her its always there, right below the surface, and probably takes a lot of energy to try to control. I came close to falling into her trap, but she showed her true self just in time for me to save myself. I have undone the patched knots and let her go...i hope that she will find some help for herself, real help for her real self. My encounters with her are sending me back to therapy, so that I can sort it out under supervision. I'm smart enough and care enough about my own mental health to know that I can't do it alone.
Sadly, it brought on momentary thoughts of asking my husband to just hold me and comfort me, but I was cognizant enough to let those feelings pass and not cause more issues. It is hard, this aloneness, when it comes to the need of comforting, soothing. i am still learning how to comfort myself, and it is hard.
I am exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically from it all. I luckily have a home that is in itself a wonderful retreat. I luckily have a friend that can help me just by listening, as I help her in the same way. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends, that is for sure. I include my husband as one of my friends. We are never going to be anything more than friends, but we are good at being friends, so its okay. There are just some things that I can't ask of him.
But I am home and safe and I hope that you all have a place that you can feel 'home and safe', too. It is the best thing, the most important blessing, that we can have.
I have so much more to say, and I will get back as soon as I can...until then....hug your peace, hug yourself....enjoy each moment, and make the most of it. you are loved and you are worthy of love....don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, you might want to consider that they don't belong in your life anymore. but again...the moment, and the peace....be back soon...
My mother tried her best to resurrect the old me, to engage me in something that would get me upset. It was interesting to see and hear her reactions to things as we talked. And by the last day, her real self started surfacing and came out in to show her ugliness. I guess for her its always there, right below the surface, and probably takes a lot of energy to try to control. I came close to falling into her trap, but she showed her true self just in time for me to save myself. I have undone the patched knots and let her go...i hope that she will find some help for herself, real help for her real self. My encounters with her are sending me back to therapy, so that I can sort it out under supervision. I'm smart enough and care enough about my own mental health to know that I can't do it alone.
Sadly, it brought on momentary thoughts of asking my husband to just hold me and comfort me, but I was cognizant enough to let those feelings pass and not cause more issues. It is hard, this aloneness, when it comes to the need of comforting, soothing. i am still learning how to comfort myself, and it is hard.
I am exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically from it all. I luckily have a home that is in itself a wonderful retreat. I luckily have a friend that can help me just by listening, as I help her in the same way. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends, that is for sure. I include my husband as one of my friends. We are never going to be anything more than friends, but we are good at being friends, so its okay. There are just some things that I can't ask of him.
But I am home and safe and I hope that you all have a place that you can feel 'home and safe', too. It is the best thing, the most important blessing, that we can have.
I have so much more to say, and I will get back as soon as I can...until then....hug your peace, hug yourself....enjoy each moment, and make the most of it. you are loved and you are worthy of love....don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, you might want to consider that they don't belong in your life anymore. but again...the moment, and the peace....be back soon...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Will There Be Love?
I have been asking myself this question lately...will i ever find love again? can i love? can i be lovable?
Do i even want to bother....
and there it is...i don't want to bother. I don't want to play games and i don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. I just want to be left alone. I would love to go to dinner or go dancing or to a concert, with no expectations of anything from anyone. I don't know if that is possible, though. I am broken and I don't know how to be casual about love or sex or any of it. Too long in a fucked up relationship that was smoothed over and patched and cajoled. I must be done.
The thing is that it is sad. I am not old, crazy, broken, but not old. but i don't want to take any chances like that...i don't think it will work for me. and i have no tolerance for assholeness, so that rules out 99% of all men anyway. I guess i can get fat and let my teeth fall out and become truly strange and eccentric. who cares...maybe all of this is just a really big growing pain...a really big step that i'm getting ready to take....the decision to work at growing up and not think about the complication of a significant other. i need to be the significant one.
sorry, dear readers, that you have to read such as this...but this is part of the process, you know. How else does one think these things through? I am lonely and alone and wish i could love and be loved, but i just don't see how it can be. I am sad....when i first knew that i was no longer married and no longer in love, and after all that has happened, all i have remembered about my past, i still wondered if i could be lovable...if someone could love me, the new grown up me that will be here someday soon. and i am beginning to realize that i will probably spend the rest of my life without any kind of mate. I will have to be happy being with myself and with my circle of sisters...
maybe someday this will change. i'm not closing the door on love. I will have to have lovingkindness for myself and push that outward. but i have no luck in the man department, and i don't feel like there is anyone out there that is worth the trouble. so i am sad.
i won't always be sad. i have had a sad weekend. all of the revelations coming at me at warp speed would be too much for an unmedicated person. but i will survive and be better for it all in the long run. i will get off here now and try to get back to being in 'the moment' with me, myself, i, and my wonderful furry friends. i can love them, too much, but its okay. they love me too. i will find some peace....i hope you find some too...
Do i even want to bother....
and there it is...i don't want to bother. I don't want to play games and i don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. I just want to be left alone. I would love to go to dinner or go dancing or to a concert, with no expectations of anything from anyone. I don't know if that is possible, though. I am broken and I don't know how to be casual about love or sex or any of it. Too long in a fucked up relationship that was smoothed over and patched and cajoled. I must be done.
The thing is that it is sad. I am not old, crazy, broken, but not old. but i don't want to take any chances like that...i don't think it will work for me. and i have no tolerance for assholeness, so that rules out 99% of all men anyway. I guess i can get fat and let my teeth fall out and become truly strange and eccentric. who cares...maybe all of this is just a really big growing pain...a really big step that i'm getting ready to take....the decision to work at growing up and not think about the complication of a significant other. i need to be the significant one.
sorry, dear readers, that you have to read such as this...but this is part of the process, you know. How else does one think these things through? I am lonely and alone and wish i could love and be loved, but i just don't see how it can be. I am sad....when i first knew that i was no longer married and no longer in love, and after all that has happened, all i have remembered about my past, i still wondered if i could be lovable...if someone could love me, the new grown up me that will be here someday soon. and i am beginning to realize that i will probably spend the rest of my life without any kind of mate. I will have to be happy being with myself and with my circle of sisters...
maybe someday this will change. i'm not closing the door on love. I will have to have lovingkindness for myself and push that outward. but i have no luck in the man department, and i don't feel like there is anyone out there that is worth the trouble. so i am sad.
i won't always be sad. i have had a sad weekend. all of the revelations coming at me at warp speed would be too much for an unmedicated person. but i will survive and be better for it all in the long run. i will get off here now and try to get back to being in 'the moment' with me, myself, i, and my wonderful furry friends. i can love them, too much, but its okay. they love me too. i will find some peace....i hope you find some too...
In the Place I Used to Live
Wow...i am farmsitting at my ex-house and if there's one thing it proves...you don't really want to go home again. Not that anything bad has happened. Its just that I cannot for the life of me call upon anything resembling creativity here. It is, for me, a dead zone. It is not a feeling that i like. i like to feel my muse sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear...cheering me on. apparently my muse didn't like this place, and split. she ran for the hills, or the town, or something....she coulda warned me, you know.
oh well. i am enjoying the horses and the cats and the dog. it is nice to be with my babies...the ones i had to leave behind. i will hate leaving them again. i don't look forward to that day. i tried to explain that it would be very hard for me to be here and then leave them again, but those that want to do what they want to do don't really give a damn about my mental or emotional state. well, karma will take care of things, i'm sure. i am sure of something else, too. i was supposed to leave this place...i do not belong here anymore. i miss my new home and look forward to getting back there, to my new life. this place is like a void or black hole, like a dead zone, as i said earlier. at least it is for me.
i have had occasion to talk or try to talk to my mother while i am here. i think we have cleared a few things up, which is a good thing. i think she doesn't know what to do with me. i'm not mad, i'm not upset, i'm just me and trying to live my life. i hope she will find a way to live hers. i have watched her hide from her own life for so long. she is talented and smart and funny and she is so afraid of everything. I understand this, because the world is pretty fucking scary, just in the day to day. but this is the only life you get, so you have to choose to live it or let it pass you by. i hope that she will wake up and see that she is her only obstacle.
i hope she finds some happiness. i really do.
i realize now just how happy i have become. and how much more confidence i have in myself. even as my body feels like it got run over by a big truck, i still feel fairly vital. that is the best thing about being here, on the farm...i get outside in a different way than in town. i know i have land surrounding me on all sides. i like that. i wish that it felt better to be here. but i will make the best of it...i think i will go and pull some weeds...maybe a few other things....i will talk more tomorrow...the sunshine is calling and i definitely could use some....hope you find some sunshine today as well. peace to you.
oh well. i am enjoying the horses and the cats and the dog. it is nice to be with my babies...the ones i had to leave behind. i will hate leaving them again. i don't look forward to that day. i tried to explain that it would be very hard for me to be here and then leave them again, but those that want to do what they want to do don't really give a damn about my mental or emotional state. well, karma will take care of things, i'm sure. i am sure of something else, too. i was supposed to leave this place...i do not belong here anymore. i miss my new home and look forward to getting back there, to my new life. this place is like a void or black hole, like a dead zone, as i said earlier. at least it is for me.
i have had occasion to talk or try to talk to my mother while i am here. i think we have cleared a few things up, which is a good thing. i think she doesn't know what to do with me. i'm not mad, i'm not upset, i'm just me and trying to live my life. i hope she will find a way to live hers. i have watched her hide from her own life for so long. she is talented and smart and funny and she is so afraid of everything. I understand this, because the world is pretty fucking scary, just in the day to day. but this is the only life you get, so you have to choose to live it or let it pass you by. i hope that she will wake up and see that she is her only obstacle.
i hope she finds some happiness. i really do.
i realize now just how happy i have become. and how much more confidence i have in myself. even as my body feels like it got run over by a big truck, i still feel fairly vital. that is the best thing about being here, on the farm...i get outside in a different way than in town. i know i have land surrounding me on all sides. i like that. i wish that it felt better to be here. but i will make the best of it...i think i will go and pull some weeds...maybe a few other things....i will talk more tomorrow...the sunshine is calling and i definitely could use some....hope you find some sunshine today as well. peace to you.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I Am Still Here...
I can't believe it has been almost a whole month since I have been able to write. I have dealt with many things that I would have preferred not to, but what's new, right? I feel pretty good, but there have been more than a few dark days. I have reached out to and retreated from so much. But, bottom line....I am still here!
Right now, today, I am retreating from the sadness of the tornado damage in Oklahoma...so many human and animal lives have been lost, and so much injury and devastation. Things like this, I can't watch. I can only take it in incrementally, because the pain and suffering is beyond me. So for a few days, I will be filtering all that I see and read and hear about it. It is simply too much. If it was close by geographically, well, I think I would be there trying to help the animals, or the children. Mostly the animals. It is heartbreaking, no matter how you try to look at it. And it is not the will of any God of mine. It is interesting that it killed and injured many horses, given that Oklahoma has been determined to pass the legislation to open a horse slaughter plant in their state. It is unusual for horses to be brought to the forefront of such a tragedy, but the sheer numbers of the lives lost in horrible ways has made it 'newsworthy'.
I could go on, but I won't . I will try to do a bit of blogging each day so that I can get things back on track here. My children have been huge players in my emotional mess this past month. I have finally had to step back from them so that I can continue my own growth and life. Of course, now I feel alone, and I have to deal with that. I think there is less stress for me right now in being alone. I have no lack of things to do, so keeping busy is the key for me right now.
Business has not been very good, a karmic thing, and seems to be getting back on track now that I have done something about the negative vibe invasion. I can only wait and see how things go..if sales pick up or get worse. I am feeling very positive about it all, though, so I am going to have a good inventory for people to shop through.
Anyway, I have run out of words for now. I will be back, though. I have let me mind get so scattered that I am having trouble reining everything back into order. It will come...
I wish you a day filled with peace and love....
Right now, today, I am retreating from the sadness of the tornado damage in Oklahoma...so many human and animal lives have been lost, and so much injury and devastation. Things like this, I can't watch. I can only take it in incrementally, because the pain and suffering is beyond me. So for a few days, I will be filtering all that I see and read and hear about it. It is simply too much. If it was close by geographically, well, I think I would be there trying to help the animals, or the children. Mostly the animals. It is heartbreaking, no matter how you try to look at it. And it is not the will of any God of mine. It is interesting that it killed and injured many horses, given that Oklahoma has been determined to pass the legislation to open a horse slaughter plant in their state. It is unusual for horses to be brought to the forefront of such a tragedy, but the sheer numbers of the lives lost in horrible ways has made it 'newsworthy'.
I could go on, but I won't . I will try to do a bit of blogging each day so that I can get things back on track here. My children have been huge players in my emotional mess this past month. I have finally had to step back from them so that I can continue my own growth and life. Of course, now I feel alone, and I have to deal with that. I think there is less stress for me right now in being alone. I have no lack of things to do, so keeping busy is the key for me right now.
Business has not been very good, a karmic thing, and seems to be getting back on track now that I have done something about the negative vibe invasion. I can only wait and see how things go..if sales pick up or get worse. I am feeling very positive about it all, though, so I am going to have a good inventory for people to shop through.
Anyway, I have run out of words for now. I will be back, though. I have let me mind get so scattered that I am having trouble reining everything back into order. It will come...
I wish you a day filled with peace and love....
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