Wow...i am farmsitting at my ex-house and if there's one thing it proves...you don't really want to go home again. Not that anything bad has happened. Its just that I cannot for the life of me call upon anything resembling creativity here. It is, for me, a dead zone. It is not a feeling that i like. i like to feel my muse sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear...cheering me on. apparently my muse didn't like this place, and split. she ran for the hills, or the town, or something....she coulda warned me, you know.
oh well. i am enjoying the horses and the cats and the dog. it is nice to be with my babies...the ones i had to leave behind. i will hate leaving them again. i don't look forward to that day. i tried to explain that it would be very hard for me to be here and then leave them again, but those that want to do what they want to do don't really give a damn about my mental or emotional state. well, karma will take care of things, i'm sure. i am sure of something else, too. i was supposed to leave this place...i do not belong here anymore. i miss my new home and look forward to getting back there, to my new life. this place is like a void or black hole, like a dead zone, as i said earlier. at least it is for me.
i have had occasion to talk or try to talk to my mother while i am here. i think we have cleared a few things up, which is a good thing. i think she doesn't know what to do with me. i'm not mad, i'm not upset, i'm just me and trying to live my life. i hope she will find a way to live hers. i have watched her hide from her own life for so long. she is talented and smart and funny and she is so afraid of everything. I understand this, because the world is pretty fucking scary, just in the day to day. but this is the only life you get, so you have to choose to live it or let it pass you by. i hope that she will wake up and see that she is her only obstacle.
i hope she finds some happiness. i really do.
i realize now just how happy i have become. and how much more confidence i have in myself. even as my body feels like it got run over by a big truck, i still feel fairly vital. that is the best thing about being here, on the farm...i get outside in a different way than in town. i know i have land surrounding me on all sides. i like that. i wish that it felt better to be here. but i will make the best of it...i think i will go and pull some weeds...maybe a few other things....i will talk more tomorrow...the sunshine is calling and i definitely could use some....hope you find some sunshine today as well. peace to you.
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