Will There Be Love?

I have been asking myself this question lately...will i ever find love again?  can i love?  can i be lovable?
Do i even want to bother....
and there it is...i don't want to bother.  I don't want to play games and i don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else.  I just want to be left alone.  I would love to go to dinner or go dancing or to a concert, with no expectations of anything from anyone.  I don't know if that is possible, though.  I am broken and I don't know how to be casual about love or sex or any of it.  Too long in a fucked up relationship that was smoothed over and patched and cajoled. I must be done.
The thing is that it is sad.  I am not old, crazy, broken, but not old.  but i don't want to take any chances like that...i don't think it will work for me.  and i have no tolerance for assholeness, so that rules out 99% of all men anyway.  I guess i can get fat and let my teeth fall out and become truly strange and eccentric.  who cares...maybe all of this is just a really big growing pain...a really big step that i'm getting ready to take....the decision to work at growing up and not think about the complication of a significant other.  i need to be the significant one.
sorry, dear readers, that you have to read such as this...but this is part of the process, you know.  How else does one think these things through?  I am lonely and alone and wish i could love and be loved, but i just don't see how it can be.  I am sad....when i first knew that i was no longer married and no longer in love, and after all that has happened, all i have remembered about my past, i still wondered if i could be lovable...if someone could love me, the new grown up me that will be here someday soon.  and i am beginning to realize that i will probably spend the rest of my life without any kind of mate.  I will have to be happy being with myself and with my circle of sisters...
maybe someday this will change.  i'm not closing the door on love.  I will have to have lovingkindness for myself and push that outward.  but i have no luck in the man department, and i don't feel like there is anyone out there that is worth the trouble.  so i am sad.
i won't always be sad.  i have had a sad weekend.  all of the revelations coming at me at warp speed would be too much for an unmedicated person.  but i will survive and be better for it all in the long run.  i will get off here now and try to get back to being in 'the moment' with me, myself, i, and my wonderful furry friends.  i can love them, too much, but its okay.  they love me too.  i will find some peace....i hope you find some too...