Cry in the Sun...Dance in the Rain....

I always have such a hard time starting off my posts.  There is always so much to say, so many events that have shaped my time and my choices.  I think I will TRY to post something every day this week, in order to cover all of the things I want to share....maybe more than a week...as I start to make a list, it seems I have alot to tell you, alot to say...which of course, goes along with the other side...alot to learn.
For now, I want to share with you something that I bought for myself yesterday...a little plaque with a little bird on it, and the quote, "anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain."  I honestly did not have an extra $15.00 for something I could go home and recreate with ease.  But I knew that it was something I was supposed to buy, to give myself, to open up this new can of worms that I must have the strength to deal with now, or it wouldn't have been put in my line of vision...gotta love the universe and its way of bringing you around to things that need attention.
Anyway....I saw this little plaque and had an immediate response...I wrote a song about dancing in the rain...one that I never performed because my husband and I just couldn't seem to agree on it musically and he thought it was too hard and dark and I just loved it....I wrote it quite a while ago...one of the first that I'd written, but it never got out of the practice room.  I vow to you, when I am ready to pick up my guitar again, it will be heard.
Here is my song, in its entirety, poem-style....its titled 'Before':
     You think you can make me
     Stand down, and give up my heart
     Your think you can break me,
     But I won't let you tear me apart
     You think that you know me,
     Like you could know all I hold dear
     You think you could show me,
     You act like I've never been here before....before....
          Before you, time went by, but the days weren't so long,
          And the nights weren't as dark; no one said I was wrong.
          Before you, I could laugh for no reason at all;
          I could dance in the rain, now, I just watch it fall.
     You think you control me,
     And that I should just do what you say
     You think you can hold me,
     But I'm gone, hell, I'm lost anyway.
     You think that you love me;
     To you love means you sleep in my bed.
     You think you're above me;
     Well I won't let you inside my head...no more....like before....
          Before you, time went by, but the days weren't so long,
          And the nights weren't as dark; no one said I was wrong.
          Before you, I could laugh for no reason at all;
          I could dance in the rain, now, I just watch it fall.....now, I just watch it fall.....watch it fall...

So, this song was written probably three or more years before I my suicide.
I can read it now and understand what I was saying, where the truth was held, how these words were a moment of clarity in my not quite real world.  Damn...
Amazing what a little plaque could bring back to me...give back to me....$15.00 well spent...
May peace surround you...fill you...shine through you....thank you...

Somebody Cares...

Just a quick post...wanted to share my experience with you.  Yesterday I called the local mental health center, where they help you find out what to do next, literally.  I was calling to find out how to get help with finding a way to get my meds...I was getting monthly scripts from my private psychiatrist, at the tune of $110.00 for a 20 minute visit....meds management, they call it.  I cannot afford that in a post-husband, post-insurance, post-husband being employed world. 
So I gave the nice woman that answered all of the information about myself that she requested, and I have an appointment next week with an organization that helps people in my situation.
Here's the thing...at the end of our conversation, she asked me if I felt like I wanted to harm myself, and I replied, 'no, I don't think so, I think I'm okay' and she said that if I did that I could call her organization, that there are people there 24/7, and that I could go to another place in town that handles even walk-ins...that there is always somewhere to go and someone to help....I just started crying...when I could get words out again I told her I was just so floored to know that I wasn't alone, that there was help for me if I needed it, that I hadn't expected such thoughtfulness.  She was so nice, reassuring me all the way to our final goodbye. 
So I felt compelled to post about this encounter...to share with you...to let you know that no matter what you might think, you are not alone, and there is help out there...somebody cares  ...

Waking Up....

I admit that I have been reluctant to blog due to my only computer being an e-book...but I am getting used to the keyboard and feel better about trying to type on such a tiny thing.  Of course, I want to touch the screen and make magic happen, like on my smart phone, but I have to type, so I will!
I don't even know where to begin...I just reread my last blog entry, and it was definitely a harbinger of things to come.  I finally found the courage to leave my husband of 29 years, although I considered myself unmarried from the time I woke up in the hospital post-suicide.  I am doing very well, and I realize that I have mourned the end of this marriage for years now, which I attribute to why I feel as I do.  I feel sad for my husband, but it was way past time for me to go.  I know that somewhere inside himself he knows that, too.  I left on January 28th.  I have since found a place to live, purely by serendipity, with an old and dear friend who I haven't had much contact with over the past few years, as we have both been going through our own dramas.  /She has grown and changed, as I have grown and changed, and she is helping me so much more than she could ever know...giving me a place to land, my own space, and as much nurturing as I need.  It is a miracle to me just to be here!  I feel so very blessed!
Now, my husband, he has had a hard time dealing with how my leaving has called on him to grow up for himself, finally...he was complaining about this last Wednesday, when I met him for dinner....well, the universe, it doesn't like to be dismissed when it is trying to help you...so on Friday he lost his job...no explanation, nothing... a big kick in the ass by the universe....
I have suffered the ass-kickings myself and my advice to him is to shut up and listen to what the world is trying to tell you!  I know I have worked hard to hear what the universe is trying to tell me...I understand that there are consequences for lack of attention!
I am actually in a position at the moment where his issues don't have to directly affect me...and I am cautious as to how and what I offer him...I don't want my issues to affect him, either. 
I watch, I listen, I keep my ear to the ground, and my head out of the clouds.....cautious! 
I am settling in to my new place, trying to get back to work, as the months are rolling by and I need to get some inventory built up.  I have had some opportunities appear on my horizon, and I will be exploring them very soon.  I have had to do alot of growing up and settling down and figuring out here in the last few weeks, so now I cautiously proceed...I feel peaceful, in spite of the turmoil that would latch on to me if I let it.  It is not my turmoil to experience...at least it doesn't seem to be...I will keep seeking the peaceful and the kind....you do the same!

While I Was Gone....

okay, i stole the title from a book by sue miller, but it is kind of descriptive of where i've been and how i feel about it.  so many things happen so quickly sometimes.  it can boggle a sane person, so imagine where that leaves me....
so far this year i have had the opportunity to eke out a relationship of some kind with my mother....i'm sure that this will be a slow process, and i will work at it only as long as i feel safe.  i am sure it is confusing for her....i have little 'love and care' to offer anyone right now.  i also have no desire to receive any.  i am trying to fix me and that is enough for now, coupled with my art and the obligations that i have to my beasts.
i will say that our first real time together, my mother and myself, left me extremely shell-shocked (for lack of a better description), mentally exhausted. this is not so bad, considering how used to feel after spending time with her...like i had been picked clean and scattered by buzzards.  sad, i know.  i didn't know then...i just felt it and believed that was what we had...now i know that relationships aren't supposed to leave you as roadkill.
i have gotten a great deal out of my dbt training, and it has become a part of me, deep down inside.  this is such a wonderful thing, after two years of trying to absorb the skills necessary to be in control of my own life.   i know that the universe has part of that going on too.  that's okay.
i think i am just so busy learning so many lessons on so many levels from so many sources, and on and on, that i am having to work really hard to keep up.  i have noticed that i am a few steps behind right now, and i am doing damage control for the things i have done thoughtfully but thoughtlessly, things that directly affect my karma.  I am such a slow learner in this area of my self.  but i'm learning, nonetheless....i'm learning.
so while i was gone i got a lot of work done....i didn't have to think too much about myself or my life, just my work and my helping other people.  while i was gone i was teflon, and being non-stick can save your ass, let me tell you!!!  while i was gone i could send feelers out into other worlds to see if i might fit into a different place better than i am fitting in my current location.   while i was gone i tried to give away the farm to help another farm (more of that karma fucking-up thing, having nothing to do with real farms).
so i guess being back means accepting where i am , how i am, why i am....accepting meaning acknowledging in this case (yay for dbt!!).  sounds easy, but it is not remotely so.  however, this is where i am today...and i already need a nap!!  keep the peace...carry it with you wherever you go....let it be your comfort...

Well, We Made It...2013!!!

I just read my last entry, back on December 19th, and I am glad that I shared, hard as it was to do.  The past few weeks have been ones that I will hold on to for as long as I live.  Having my oldest son home for much of the holiday season, and knowing that he'll be staying with us more in the coming weeks, has been and is a comfort to me.  We have had a hard time connecting, and it has come in spurts.  He is very much like his father, thinking that not digging a little deeper is a virtue.  Having his younger brother here for more than a day or two, and yes, I hate it for my younger son, as he gets put into the role of 'voice' for his brother, much like I used to be for my husband, anyway, it has given him a way to speak to me about things he couldn't verbalize in a cohesive way.
One year ago I thought that 2012 would be my year for healing.  I think in some ways that has been the case, but mostly I think it was the year for my family and myself to re-learn to love each other, like each other, respect each other.  I can't say that this was easy or simple, but I can sit here today and I can feel that my heart is lighter, my love is stronger, my pain is purer....so, yes, healing has taken place.
I am still trying to love myself.  I look in the mirror and can't say that I love this person that reflects back at me....I am aging, I am overweight, I am in physical pain.  But I have made it a resolution to work on myself, and I hope that I can hold myself to that.  It will be hard.  I am far from where I hoped to be physically by the end of 2012.  This healing is just really getting into gear.  Maybe I couldn't get to the physical until I had really dealt with the mental and emotional pain, and until I got to the place where I could pick through all of it with my family.  I know that we are all in such a better place emotionally.  I feel so glad to have been able to finally get the channels open with each of us and our relationships.  It is the impetus to work on my physical self now, and my own opinion of my physical self.
Now, last year, during the holidays, I just made myself unavailable; this was the only way I knew how to deal with such a broken family as mine had become.  I never even asked if they understood.  I couldn't even go there.  This year, however, we managed to have a wonderful time.  Oddly enough, the quietest day was Christmas day....every other day included something with some or all of the family, and sometimes the extended family as well.  It was so awesome for me.  I learned to appreciate all of it, all of them.  I stayed in the moment and soaked up all the good stuff that I could.  I am so thankful for such a special time.
Yesterday my younger son made it to California...I am so happy for him and them and can't wait till I can visit.  I know they are on a grand adventure, one that I never got the opportunity to have, and I couldn't be more proud of them, their moxie, their faith.  I miss him so much, but I can deal with it....technology will be my friend - skyping and texting - we can be together anytime we want!
My older son is on his way to Maryland to work, but he'll be back in a week or so.  He will have lots of things to tell me about....I can't wait!  He and I don't do too well on the phone - we connect better in person, which is okay.
My husband and I have come to a comfortable place, friendship.  Our relationship is very fragile and maybe it will always be.  I am not in love with him.  But I love him as family, and I enjoy our adventures together.  I just don't have anything more to offer him.  So I can't say how 2013 will be for us....it is what it is!
I have yakked enough for one post, huh?  I hope all of my readers take the time to look into their lives and their relationships, and can find things to be grateful for from last year, and things to look forward to in the coming year...and I sincerely hope that you find ways to enjoy each moment, for each one is special in its own way.
If you have any advice regarding my issues with my physical self, I would love to hear from you.
Keep holding on to that hunk of peace, the one you grabbed before 2012 ended, and carried with you into 2013.  Stroke it and feed it and wrap yourself up in it....it is yours...

Hold on to that Hunk of Peace...

This is the first time that I have written a blog entry without knowing the title before starting...
There is so much to say and yet it is hard to say, hard to think about so many things this time of year.
I have survived the first anniversary of voluntarily euthanizing my physically healthy but mentally damaged horse.  I miss him and will forever...I am still heartbroken.
I am blessed to have my sons home for the holidays....but I have been reminded of how the flippant and righteous words of even a grown child can eviscerate...this reminder cutting through all of the hard work I have done to piece together a 'life worth living', cutting through all that I don't remember about the time before my suicide, cutting and cutting and cutting....I am still heartbroken.
I am blessed that I made a little bit of money this year and finally could feel like I could take care of my own 'expenses', i.e. the horses, knowing that the resentment my husband did and still does hold toward these 'expenses' impacted my pre- and post-suicide relationship with him.  I let him borrow most of this money and I am terrified that he won't pay me back, putting me right back where I was two years ago....helpless, hopeless, seeing no way out, no good answers or outcomes....I have tried to relay this to him, and I don't know if that was a good idea, as I also know that he would still be happy to have the pre-suicide wife-bot 'back', back the way it used to be....I am still afraid.
So I am feeling a bit fragile, and mad at myself for being fragile.  I have considered 'going through the motions' in lieu of being my authentic self, just to make it through this time without causing anyone any problem or reason to hurt me, to cut me any deeper, push me any farther down into myself.  I spent a lifetime going through the motions and I know that this is something that would be too dangerous for me to try to do ever again....I am more than a little afraid, and more than a little heartbroken.
No, I am not interested in taking my own life....or in homicide, either.  I don't know if there are words for 'where I am' or whatever you want to call it.  I guess that two years later, we are each (my family members and myself) still trying to figure things out, trying to grow up, trying to find a way to be comfortable with each other and these different relationships that we have with each other, looking at then, now, and into the future.
It is hard, and scary, and heartbreaking.  I get weary of everything being so hard, of being afraid and feeling so very alone, and of all of this pain: the physical, mental, emotional...I feel like I am constantly a part of some kind of test or study, one to see how much a post-suicidal person can take before they break.  I guess it is stupid of me to think that there will come a day when I will be somehow released from all of this shit and I will be pronounced to be 'okay', or 'normal', or 'no longer a threat'.  I guess it will be up to me to toss away the parts that I no longer need and make my own load lighter to carry.  I guess...I don't know...can only guess....
I am holding on to a big hunk of peace, keeping it close to my heart....keeping myself quiet and safe. Hope you can do the same...find yourself a hunk of peace and hold onto it, for dear life, hold on!!

That Smell....

I am in a rush, but wanted to share something.  Last evening my husband made himself some soup and a sandwich for dinner, and to me it had a strange and offensive smell.  I remembered to post this today because it is still lingering faintly in the house this morning.  It has been a good while since this has happened, but it happened frequently the first year after my suicide...there is a smell, sometimes a taste of a smell, that takes me back to the hospital, to the food, and how it all tasted wrong and bad and somehow 'disinfected' to me.  The smell has such a memory attached to it, it is a little shocking that here I am, my second birthday is drawing nearer, and there came that smell.  I couldn't figure out what about it was offensive until it dawned on me where I had smelled it before (the hospital).  I guess it will never leave me, and will be one of those triggers that makes me remember that I was there, that IT really happened, that out of so much that I will never remember, this fucking smell is going to be sticking with me, maybe forever.  Once I realized what was at the root of this encounter, I was okay.  I couldn't make the smell go away, but I knew why it bothered me so, and I could let it go (yes, progress comes in the strangest forms).
Now that I have shared this bizarre olfactory event, I must leave you...I have to go to the pharmacy and raise hell about my new fibromyalgia medicine, which my husband attempted to pick up yesterday and there was something wrong about some kind of authorization...I hope by the time I get there, they have gotten what they want or need and I can get my meds, unbelievably priced as they are, I want to see if they will help me, because I know the alternative is relying on opiates or steroids, neither of which will be a pleasant way to live.  Keep your fingers crossed for me....send me your mojo, if you have some extra to send....I have so little faith in the system; it has disappointed me too many times.  I do know that I have the right rheumatologist, though...I called them at 8 am and they called me back within an hour, and had already called the pharmacy, and I have a REAL PHONE NUMBER to call them back if there is trouble when I get to the pharmacy!!  So I am off....keep the peace....I'll be back!!