Wow! I didn't even realize how long its been since I have posted anything. I have been shuffling between my old home and my new home, and come to terms with all of the emotions that come with such constant change...in the end, it is just about more growth. Took me a while to find comfort in growing, rather than fear.
I have been growing and changing too fast for myself to fathom, I think. That definitely has made me tentative about how and what to share about it all. I am finally in a more peaceful place within myself. But it has been a challenge to get here and stay here and be here. I have been studying Buddhism a great deal and that has helped me keep getting back to the here and now and appreciate each moment, the easy and the not-so-easy ones.
I am in the process, still, of applying for disability benefits. Nothing about this process makes a whole lot of sense. I had to meet with an appointed psychiatrist, who rushed me through a series of ridiculous questions that I have no idea if I answered 'right'....so now I am waiting to find out if I will receive benefits or have to start the process over again, as most people are turned down the first time they apply. In the meantime, I have had to depend on others to get me through financially, which is hard to have to do, when you know that others are having to sacrifice for you to survive. I hope that this will be rectified soon, since my anxiety prevents me from working out in the world.
My art has evolved with me, and I don't know exactly where the path is leading me, but I am staying on it with faith that all things will be revealed (or not) at some point. The disillusionment with selling my fiber art had really brought me down....then the universe put a new opportunity in my path, a challenging opportunity, and I am working to steel myself to meet and exceed this challenge, and not become paralyzed. I have suffered from artist's block and I am just trying to let myself unfold into the new work. It seems that I have a million ways not to just 'get to it', and it is just another thing to overcome.
So I am here and I am trying and I will try harder to post more often. Just wanted to let you know a little about where I've been and why you haven't heard from me....I'll be back soon, I promise....until then, keep peace in your heart and try to live each moment as much as you can...and thanks for being here to listen....it is good to know I am not alone.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
Well, I Guess I'm Less Lost??
I would like to say that I am found, but not sure that is the way I would put it. I am still here, and that is good. I have ridden out the storm of my depression and for now the seas are calmer. I think I just have to keep following my designated path, and learn to question the detours so much....a detour is meant to reroute you so that you can get around a problem area...at some point it brings you back to the road you were travelling on, just a different place on that road. Detours require lots of patience and faith. Sometimes these are qualities that are lacking, especially when the detour is in and through the darkness. I am still here...just at a different place on my path now.
So much of this life and this world is beyond my understanding. I am now taking a serious look at my spirituality and how I have to stop avoiding being present in my life. I am taking a serious look at my sexuality, and how I have to stand up to my broken parts and try to learn how to love. In all of this seriousness, the one main thing I have to conquer is learning to love myself and have faith in myself and be my own best friend. I will be working through this for a long time. It took a long time to accrue the damage, so I can't expect an easy fix. Again, I can come back to the most important factor...I am still here....and here is as good a place to start as any.
So much of this life and this world is beyond my understanding. I am now taking a serious look at my spirituality and how I have to stop avoiding being present in my life. I am taking a serious look at my sexuality, and how I have to stand up to my broken parts and try to learn how to love. In all of this seriousness, the one main thing I have to conquer is learning to love myself and have faith in myself and be my own best friend. I will be working through this for a long time. It took a long time to accrue the damage, so I can't expect an easy fix. Again, I can come back to the most important factor...I am still here....and here is as good a place to start as any.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Have I Lost Myself?
I don't usually post things that are not in some way upbeat....I am out of upbeat right now. I guess its just as important to talk about how I feel when I'm visited by fear and doubts and can't find a way to love myself or really care about my wellbeing.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge of something nameless. And I am scared...I know it would be easy to just dissociate from this scared person and go on with it, but I know where that can take me, too. I hate feeling so fragile. And I don't know how to explain it to regular people. I don't even want to have to explain it, you know.
I am reading a book, 'Incest and Sexuality' and it is designed to help someone like me, who has been through what I have, but it scares me to realize that there is probably more inside me that has yet to come out.
I am getting to the point that I feel like I would be better off in a hospital or institution...that I don't have anything left to give anyone that is of enough value to keep me here. In fact, I guess I feel worthless, and bothersome, and anything but good company.
I feel like nothing but a burden, and every day I am struggling with the reality that maybe I don't belong in this world. And I never get through a day that I don't consider how easy it would be to just make my exit...and this isn't what scares me...it's staying that I find the most frightening right now. I know I have to figure out how to turn this around...but I've lost my starting place somehow and so I grope along the walls of my mind looking for the right path...after all this time it seems like it shouldn't be this way or this hard or whatever...
I hope I find myself...soon...
I wish peace for you, my readers.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge of something nameless. And I am scared...I know it would be easy to just dissociate from this scared person and go on with it, but I know where that can take me, too. I hate feeling so fragile. And I don't know how to explain it to regular people. I don't even want to have to explain it, you know.
I am reading a book, 'Incest and Sexuality' and it is designed to help someone like me, who has been through what I have, but it scares me to realize that there is probably more inside me that has yet to come out.
I am getting to the point that I feel like I would be better off in a hospital or institution...that I don't have anything left to give anyone that is of enough value to keep me here. In fact, I guess I feel worthless, and bothersome, and anything but good company.
I feel like nothing but a burden, and every day I am struggling with the reality that maybe I don't belong in this world. And I never get through a day that I don't consider how easy it would be to just make my exit...and this isn't what scares me...it's staying that I find the most frightening right now. I know I have to figure out how to turn this around...but I've lost my starting place somehow and so I grope along the walls of my mind looking for the right path...after all this time it seems like it shouldn't be this way or this hard or whatever...
I hope I find myself...soon...
I wish peace for you, my readers.
Monday, June 24, 2013
...Then the Tree House Was Full...
I am home now, and wanted to let you know about the second week in the tree house...so completely different from the first, yet full of lessons and opportunities for loving-kindness.
So after a week of solitude, with only a couple of trips to 'town', my friends returned from their vacation on Friday night. About twenty minutes later, the van full of travelers returning from Germany via Newark also arrived. So where there had been me....there were seven people. But it was okay, other than there being times of too many in a room, mostly we were able to distribute ourselves around the place without issue. The mother-in-law went home on Saturday morning, leaving my friend's sister and her two youngest sons, 11 and 13. Now she is also a soul sister and soul family member to me, so it was great to spend time with her.
And she had much to teach me...she was facing the first anniversary of her husband's death (which she made it through with flying colors earlier this week), and not sure how she wanted to be, where she wanted to be, who she wanted to be with. We talked alot about life and death, and i finally told her my whole story, and how it made me feel, knowing that i had wanted so desperately to die, and how her husband had wanted so desperately to live. She made me feel so humble and strong at the same time. She is working so hard to be all things to her boys and keep herself together too. It was good to see her let herself have fun and laugh with us and just be. I think after the trip, and all of the mix of personalities involved, she needed the kind of downtime that she got at the tree house. I made sure that she got alot of uninterrupted time with her sister, and so I got to spend some time with my soul brother. I couldn't imagine not having him in my family.
So we spent the week shopping and feeding ourselves and each other....food and love and unconditional understanding....it was good. I came home on Tuesday, driving all day through one rainstorm after another. It was exhausting and I was so very glad when I made it home. I miss my friends already...we are so connected and it is hard to be so far from them. but it is good...I love my home and was glad to get back...I have much to do, to get ready for some upcoming events where I will be selling my art.
I am quietly inspired by my experiences while away....I will weave that into all that I do as I journey through this world this week....I hope you have someone or something that inspires you and helps to keep you going...if you don't, try to find it, as it will make a huge difference in your sense of yourself and your wellbeing....much peace to you...
So after a week of solitude, with only a couple of trips to 'town', my friends returned from their vacation on Friday night. About twenty minutes later, the van full of travelers returning from Germany via Newark also arrived. So where there had been me....there were seven people. But it was okay, other than there being times of too many in a room, mostly we were able to distribute ourselves around the place without issue. The mother-in-law went home on Saturday morning, leaving my friend's sister and her two youngest sons, 11 and 13. Now she is also a soul sister and soul family member to me, so it was great to spend time with her.
And she had much to teach me...she was facing the first anniversary of her husband's death (which she made it through with flying colors earlier this week), and not sure how she wanted to be, where she wanted to be, who she wanted to be with. We talked alot about life and death, and i finally told her my whole story, and how it made me feel, knowing that i had wanted so desperately to die, and how her husband had wanted so desperately to live. She made me feel so humble and strong at the same time. She is working so hard to be all things to her boys and keep herself together too. It was good to see her let herself have fun and laugh with us and just be. I think after the trip, and all of the mix of personalities involved, she needed the kind of downtime that she got at the tree house. I made sure that she got alot of uninterrupted time with her sister, and so I got to spend some time with my soul brother. I couldn't imagine not having him in my family.
So we spent the week shopping and feeding ourselves and each other....food and love and unconditional understanding....it was good. I came home on Tuesday, driving all day through one rainstorm after another. It was exhausting and I was so very glad when I made it home. I miss my friends already...we are so connected and it is hard to be so far from them. but it is good...I love my home and was glad to get back...I have much to do, to get ready for some upcoming events where I will be selling my art.
I am quietly inspired by my experiences while away....I will weave that into all that I do as I journey through this world this week....I hope you have someone or something that inspires you and helps to keep you going...if you don't, try to find it, as it will make a huge difference in your sense of yourself and your wellbeing....much peace to you...
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
In a Place Full of Muses
I can completely compare and contrast my last post's subject: being in my old home and realizing that there is nothing of me left there, and being at my soul family's place in Virginia, where working and creating is effortless.
I came a long way just to pet sit Biker, my friends' dear pooch, who has terminal cancer. She has already outlived all of the vet's predictions, and is such a little bundle of love and happiness. I also have two kitties to take care of, but they are cats, and so they are cats and have their own ideas of how to spend their days and nights. They are lovely, nonetheless.
So, I have worked blissfully every day that my friends have been gone. I have gotten so much enjoyment from this work, and I think it shows in what I have created. I plan to spend this evening making some kids' stuff, which is especially fun to me.
I have come to realize that my spirit knows what it wants, and how I carefully I should feed it to stay healthy. I am learning to let go of those that would suck my soul dry if allowed. I am learning to love myself, and like myself, and hopefully this will lead to a better quality of self-care than I have been able to provide myself.
I know that I am not ever going to be cured of my issues...but I can live a productive and happy and generous life anyway. I guess I am meant to carry my illnesses with me on the road of life. I am going to encounter all kinds of people and obstacles and open doors and pain and joy. Just like everybody else.
It is hard to understand why the universe chooses for me to be motherless and to experience so much loss....but I know that I will gain a better understanding as time passes. I feel like a poster child for heartbreak. I don't mean this in a negative way, even though it sounds so. I mean that I am learning that there is nothing to be done but be thankful for whatever blessing allowed me to share my life with something or someone at all, and to keep going....pain is just part of the package. And if the only way to not experience this pain is to never share my life or myself or love something or someone, well, I choose to have loved, to have shared, to have experienced.
I guess my point is that we don't always get to choose, and if we attempt to do something when all signs are blaring "NO", "STOP", then we are fucked. just that simple.
But I am going to spend my time on top of this mountain in as blissful a frame of mind as I can conjure....not hard to do, as long as I keep myself here in the moment. I will hang with Biker and sew and let the creativity flow through me and into my work. I am blessed with this gift...and I will share it....
There is always a line at the rainbow bridge, as our four-legged soul family members take their turn to cross over. I wish them godspeed...and an eternity free from lack and hate and cruelty and pain.
And for you, hold your friends close, and tell them you love them every day....it is just a little thing that is such a big thing....it is life...
I came a long way just to pet sit Biker, my friends' dear pooch, who has terminal cancer. She has already outlived all of the vet's predictions, and is such a little bundle of love and happiness. I also have two kitties to take care of, but they are cats, and so they are cats and have their own ideas of how to spend their days and nights. They are lovely, nonetheless.
So, I have worked blissfully every day that my friends have been gone. I have gotten so much enjoyment from this work, and I think it shows in what I have created. I plan to spend this evening making some kids' stuff, which is especially fun to me.
I have come to realize that my spirit knows what it wants, and how I carefully I should feed it to stay healthy. I am learning to let go of those that would suck my soul dry if allowed. I am learning to love myself, and like myself, and hopefully this will lead to a better quality of self-care than I have been able to provide myself.
I know that I am not ever going to be cured of my issues...but I can live a productive and happy and generous life anyway. I guess I am meant to carry my illnesses with me on the road of life. I am going to encounter all kinds of people and obstacles and open doors and pain and joy. Just like everybody else.
It is hard to understand why the universe chooses for me to be motherless and to experience so much loss....but I know that I will gain a better understanding as time passes. I feel like a poster child for heartbreak. I don't mean this in a negative way, even though it sounds so. I mean that I am learning that there is nothing to be done but be thankful for whatever blessing allowed me to share my life with something or someone at all, and to keep going....pain is just part of the package. And if the only way to not experience this pain is to never share my life or myself or love something or someone, well, I choose to have loved, to have shared, to have experienced.
I guess my point is that we don't always get to choose, and if we attempt to do something when all signs are blaring "NO", "STOP", then we are fucked. just that simple.
But I am going to spend my time on top of this mountain in as blissful a frame of mind as I can conjure....not hard to do, as long as I keep myself here in the moment. I will hang with Biker and sew and let the creativity flow through me and into my work. I am blessed with this gift...and I will share it....
There is always a line at the rainbow bridge, as our four-legged soul family members take their turn to cross over. I wish them godspeed...and an eternity free from lack and hate and cruelty and pain.
And for you, hold your friends close, and tell them you love them every day....it is just a little thing that is such a big thing....it is life...
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
There is No Afterglow...There is No Happy Ending
I am not sure what my title means. maybe it will expose itself here in my words. I am finally back home from farm-sitting in my former home, with my former animals (miss them so much). I could not get here fast enough. It was like being in a foreign place; a place that i don't fit in any way, and that is as it should be. If anything, i have been very reassured that i did the right thing in leaving and beginning the changes to my life and lifestyle that are for this 'me'. I am 100% positive that the old 'me' is dead.
My mother tried her best to resurrect the old me, to engage me in something that would get me upset. It was interesting to see and hear her reactions to things as we talked. And by the last day, her real self started surfacing and came out in to show her ugliness. I guess for her its always there, right below the surface, and probably takes a lot of energy to try to control. I came close to falling into her trap, but she showed her true self just in time for me to save myself. I have undone the patched knots and let her go...i hope that she will find some help for herself, real help for her real self. My encounters with her are sending me back to therapy, so that I can sort it out under supervision. I'm smart enough and care enough about my own mental health to know that I can't do it alone.
Sadly, it brought on momentary thoughts of asking my husband to just hold me and comfort me, but I was cognizant enough to let those feelings pass and not cause more issues. It is hard, this aloneness, when it comes to the need of comforting, soothing. i am still learning how to comfort myself, and it is hard.
I am exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically from it all. I luckily have a home that is in itself a wonderful retreat. I luckily have a friend that can help me just by listening, as I help her in the same way. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends, that is for sure. I include my husband as one of my friends. We are never going to be anything more than friends, but we are good at being friends, so its okay. There are just some things that I can't ask of him.
But I am home and safe and I hope that you all have a place that you can feel 'home and safe', too. It is the best thing, the most important blessing, that we can have.
I have so much more to say, and I will get back as soon as I can...until then....hug your peace, hug yourself....enjoy each moment, and make the most of it. you are loved and you are worthy of love....don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, you might want to consider that they don't belong in your life anymore. but again...the moment, and the peace....be back soon...
My mother tried her best to resurrect the old me, to engage me in something that would get me upset. It was interesting to see and hear her reactions to things as we talked. And by the last day, her real self started surfacing and came out in to show her ugliness. I guess for her its always there, right below the surface, and probably takes a lot of energy to try to control. I came close to falling into her trap, but she showed her true self just in time for me to save myself. I have undone the patched knots and let her go...i hope that she will find some help for herself, real help for her real self. My encounters with her are sending me back to therapy, so that I can sort it out under supervision. I'm smart enough and care enough about my own mental health to know that I can't do it alone.
Sadly, it brought on momentary thoughts of asking my husband to just hold me and comfort me, but I was cognizant enough to let those feelings pass and not cause more issues. It is hard, this aloneness, when it comes to the need of comforting, soothing. i am still learning how to comfort myself, and it is hard.
I am exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically from it all. I luckily have a home that is in itself a wonderful retreat. I luckily have a friend that can help me just by listening, as I help her in the same way. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends, that is for sure. I include my husband as one of my friends. We are never going to be anything more than friends, but we are good at being friends, so its okay. There are just some things that I can't ask of him.
But I am home and safe and I hope that you all have a place that you can feel 'home and safe', too. It is the best thing, the most important blessing, that we can have.
I have so much more to say, and I will get back as soon as I can...until then....hug your peace, hug yourself....enjoy each moment, and make the most of it. you are loved and you are worthy of love....don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, you might want to consider that they don't belong in your life anymore. but again...the moment, and the peace....be back soon...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Will There Be Love?
I have been asking myself this question lately...will i ever find love again? can i love? can i be lovable?
Do i even want to bother....
and there it is...i don't want to bother. I don't want to play games and i don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. I just want to be left alone. I would love to go to dinner or go dancing or to a concert, with no expectations of anything from anyone. I don't know if that is possible, though. I am broken and I don't know how to be casual about love or sex or any of it. Too long in a fucked up relationship that was smoothed over and patched and cajoled. I must be done.
The thing is that it is sad. I am not old, crazy, broken, but not old. but i don't want to take any chances like that...i don't think it will work for me. and i have no tolerance for assholeness, so that rules out 99% of all men anyway. I guess i can get fat and let my teeth fall out and become truly strange and eccentric. who cares...maybe all of this is just a really big growing pain...a really big step that i'm getting ready to take....the decision to work at growing up and not think about the complication of a significant other. i need to be the significant one.
sorry, dear readers, that you have to read such as this...but this is part of the process, you know. How else does one think these things through? I am lonely and alone and wish i could love and be loved, but i just don't see how it can be. I am sad....when i first knew that i was no longer married and no longer in love, and after all that has happened, all i have remembered about my past, i still wondered if i could be lovable...if someone could love me, the new grown up me that will be here someday soon. and i am beginning to realize that i will probably spend the rest of my life without any kind of mate. I will have to be happy being with myself and with my circle of sisters...
maybe someday this will change. i'm not closing the door on love. I will have to have lovingkindness for myself and push that outward. but i have no luck in the man department, and i don't feel like there is anyone out there that is worth the trouble. so i am sad.
i won't always be sad. i have had a sad weekend. all of the revelations coming at me at warp speed would be too much for an unmedicated person. but i will survive and be better for it all in the long run. i will get off here now and try to get back to being in 'the moment' with me, myself, i, and my wonderful furry friends. i can love them, too much, but its okay. they love me too. i will find some peace....i hope you find some too...
Do i even want to bother....
and there it is...i don't want to bother. I don't want to play games and i don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. I just want to be left alone. I would love to go to dinner or go dancing or to a concert, with no expectations of anything from anyone. I don't know if that is possible, though. I am broken and I don't know how to be casual about love or sex or any of it. Too long in a fucked up relationship that was smoothed over and patched and cajoled. I must be done.
The thing is that it is sad. I am not old, crazy, broken, but not old. but i don't want to take any chances like that...i don't think it will work for me. and i have no tolerance for assholeness, so that rules out 99% of all men anyway. I guess i can get fat and let my teeth fall out and become truly strange and eccentric. who cares...maybe all of this is just a really big growing pain...a really big step that i'm getting ready to take....the decision to work at growing up and not think about the complication of a significant other. i need to be the significant one.
sorry, dear readers, that you have to read such as this...but this is part of the process, you know. How else does one think these things through? I am lonely and alone and wish i could love and be loved, but i just don't see how it can be. I am sad....when i first knew that i was no longer married and no longer in love, and after all that has happened, all i have remembered about my past, i still wondered if i could be lovable...if someone could love me, the new grown up me that will be here someday soon. and i am beginning to realize that i will probably spend the rest of my life without any kind of mate. I will have to be happy being with myself and with my circle of sisters...
maybe someday this will change. i'm not closing the door on love. I will have to have lovingkindness for myself and push that outward. but i have no luck in the man department, and i don't feel like there is anyone out there that is worth the trouble. so i am sad.
i won't always be sad. i have had a sad weekend. all of the revelations coming at me at warp speed would be too much for an unmedicated person. but i will survive and be better for it all in the long run. i will get off here now and try to get back to being in 'the moment' with me, myself, i, and my wonderful furry friends. i can love them, too much, but its okay. they love me too. i will find some peace....i hope you find some too...
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