The State of Things...

I guess time has just gotten away from me.  Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to blogging.  I have been in an odd place...I am content, in the face of the impending winter, one of my sons leaving for the other coast, the anniversary of having to put my beautiful Promise down, the holidays in general, the anniversary of my suicide not too far away.  I am content.
I guess it goes to show that happiness, contentment, peace, and joy are all there inside of us, if we just figure out how to access them.  Now, the problem is that these wonderful emotions live right next door to anger, sadness, self-loathing, anxiety, depression, and fear.  They are all there, always.  What I am learning is that it is okay that all of these emotions have their own little cubbyhole inside of me.  They are the yin and yang of my life...they are the yin and yang of your life, of everyone's life.  Some are internal, personal; some are made to share.  It has taken me a while to realize this, and to realize that it is my choice, always; my choice on how I wish to approach events in my life.
DBT therapy has taught me that I can slow down and give myself time to decipher an event, an emotion, whether to respond or not, how to respond, etc.  It is something I highly recommend to any and everyone.
It has given me the tools to take control rather than let something or someone control me.  It has given me the advantage.  And this includes the advantage to know when to turn and walk away, because it is what is best for me.
So I have been deep into my life, my current life: sewing, mucking....and well, sewing and mucking.  Two activities that give me time to think, to ponder, and this is what I know today:  I am happy.  I am content.  I am okay and at peace with the state of my relationships.  Yes, I am a little sad, too.  I have lost a lot, paid my karmic dues.  I will carry that loss, that sadness, with me forever.  This is okay, too.  I have good memories to go along with the sadnesses.  I am able to keep things in perspective.
I realize that I am a miniscule dot on the landscape of this earth.  I have a warm, dry, safe and comfortable home.  I am not in any physical danger.  I have good food and clean water, indoor plumbing, furry friends to pamper.  I have a husband that has accepted the position as my friend.  I have two wonderful grown children; they believe that they can do anything if they put their energy into it - I taught them that!  I am so proud!  I have friends that truly love me, as I truly love them...I am content..
So, this is the state of things at the present.  I will not let so much time pass before I get back here again.  
Until then, much peace to you...

Doctors....They Make You Want to Kill Yourself!

Yep!  Yesterday I went to meet the new GP that is taking over patients for my exiting GP.  I wish I could say that I like her, loved her, felt confident in her abilities to help me make wise health choices.
No...Not really!!!
She made me wait an hour and spent 8 minutes with me....during which time she 'examined' me (eyes, ears, throat with the light thing), went over my medications (which I had done with the nurse and hour before), asked why I saw a psychiatrist, which led to my suicide, which led to a lot of stupid questions that required (thankfully) one word answers.  She thought I should go to a pain doctor after I told her about my poor experiences with pain doctors...yes, really!
She offered me nothing, other than to call if I change my mind about the pain doctor, and to come back in oh, I don't know, three months....NO!
On the bright side, I did get my flu shot, which was one of my primary reasons for going in the first place.
So I am in the market for a new GP, if my rheumatologist feels that I need to have one.  I trust her, she is a real doctor, and I pray that she never lets the 'system' corrupt her into becoming a clock-watching, script-pandering, small-minded robot.
I am grateful for her, as well as my psychiatrist and therapists.  They never neglect to keep my best interests at the forefront of my treatment.
 It is hard enough to be a suicide survivor....I don't think it is a good idea to have a doctor that makes you want to kill yourself!
At least, at this point, I feel liberated from the 'system'...the 'system' has failed me too many times to count in the past year and a half.
It gives me a strange feeling of peace to know I don't have to go back there, where so many incompetent things transpired....so, like I've said before, don't settle for a doctor that isn't helping you or doesn't seem to be taking you down paths that are not in your best interest.  Doctors are as plentiful as lawyers these days, and you are the customer, you get to choose...otherwise you might as well go to your county health department...you will probably have better luck there!

Paying It Forward....

When i tried to kill myself and awoke a different version of myself, i had great support from certain people, who were there for me for whatever they could do to help.  It was good to know that i was not alone, and that i was loved and people were glad that i was still around.
I have a friend staying with me right now....she is bipolar and having trouble with her meds not helping and having to change meds, etc.  She called me last week to please come and see her, which i did, and i told her to pack up, that she would be coming home with me, that she can stay here until she feels ready to go back home.  She lives alone, except for her adorable dog, louie...and they are a part of my household now.  I am so glad to be able to help her, to be that friend, not for credit, but as a way to spread the love and light, and a way to give back to the universe for my good fortune, my mental stability, i could go on and on!
you may know someone that is in need of a hand, or a place to stay, or a loan, or some food....so many things that can be lacking and needed.  you have a choice....help however you can, without worrying about how it might make your life a little more difficult or less comfortable, or beg off, make excuses, simply ignore the cries for help.  It is really your choice, because if you can't help, can't sign on for the duration, then you probably should not.
When I was in the Psych ward and getting calls from friends and family daily, it meant everything to me to know that out there were people that loved me and would help me figure out what the hell happened.
But there were certain people who really let me down, blew me off, didn't want to stand by me because it didn't make them look good....if i had been diagnosed with cancer, they would have been right there, making a show of their support, instead of a show of support.  It damaged relationships, for sure.  I will never forget those people that showed me the love and those that made other choices.  And that is their right, their choice.
I choose to stand by my friend in this difficult time.  I choose to share the love, share whatever I have that she might need.  At first I worried that I was being a caretaker again, like what got me dead...but it isn't like that now,  it is just my compassion, healthy compassion, healthy is good...
Do what you can for who you can when you can....in such scary times as these, we can choose to be alone and aloof, or we can choose to open our hearts and hands and reach out....I know for me the more selfless i become the more the universe smiles upon me, and sends me the people who are supposed to touch my life and help me to continue to grow.  It is good....peace to you...

Just a Quickie!!

I just wanted to tell everyone, anyone....don't be satisfied until you find the right doctors for you!  After waiting five months for my ex-GP to refer me to a rheumatologist, I had a serendipitous occasion to change doctors.  On that day, my new doctor referred me to the rheumatologist that I had seen years before and wanted to go back to.  That was a Friday afternoon, and on Monday afternoon, the appointment person called to set up an appointment with said rheumatologist, which I was lucky enough to get within the same month.
My appointment was yesterday.  My rheumatologist spent probably 45 minutes with me, talking, listening, and believe it or not...caring!  We discussed my trajectory of getting off of the oxycontin/codone train, which is a miserable and painful trip...but I'm more than halfway there now.  After this week things should be easier, but this week will suck!   But she was very happy to help and to support me in such an honest and caring and knowledgeable way....giving me a plan A and a plan B....I was like, wow!, options!!!
We discussed changing my fibromyalgia meds once I am clear of the narcotics.  A couple of them also have antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety benefits along with the physical benefits.  She asked if she could talk to my psychiatrist about her opinion and so that they could work TOGETHER (yeah, shocking, huh?) to head me in the right direction with the meds.  And here is the best part....the rheumatologist's assistant called me yesterday ( yes, the same day as my appointment) to verify info on contacting my psychiatrist.  Even though my follow-up isn't for a few weeks.
I am so very impressed!!  So very happy and relieved and I just want to share that with you, because the old me wouldn't even be trying to get off the oxy's; she'd just get more and try to stay as numb as possible...
and while numb sounds fantastic right now (my skin hurts, if that helps explain how it is) I know that it won't always be this way and that I am doing the right thing for my body and myself.
I am thankful to the Universe for whatever part it has played in clearing this path for me...one of several paths that have been cleared for me recently as I journey through my year of healing.
So if you aren't getting what you want or need from your present practitioners, change them...you are not just a patient, you are a customer, too!

Trying to Stay Calm and Lay Low....Patience...

I feel like I"m two different people.  The one who lives in the cartoon, hanging out on the farm and watching tv with my husband.  It all looks so normal, but it feels foreign as hell.  Especially if I take my blinders off for even a second and look around at all of the unfinished, overgrown, falling down messes.  This farm was so pretty and well-kept, but after my suicide and the riding accidents, it was let go....I was the one that made sure things were done, whether I did them or asked someone else to.  I guess its that there are two sides to not caring any more about the disposition of the material things that comprised my old life.  I don't care but I do care.  I really just want to put it behind me, and I will.  I will be glad to be just one whole person.
The other person is trying desperately to get things together, and to get healthy and well and energized.  It can get frustrating.  I've never been this physically fucked up before.  It just sucks!!!  I do go to a rheumatologist next week and hopefully we can get my physical issues under control.  My emotional issues should improve with that, too.  I just get so tired of being two people...being disassociated.  I know that this is how I was able to kill myself, this separation.  Its a little unsettling that I can fall into it easily.  But I know I'm doing it now.  I have little recollection of my other self before suicide.  She was strong and smart and more the real me than the other person that was run over and run down and wanted to run away.  I am her now.  The me that I used to be, only in a 51 year old, fucked up body.  But I have spirit and faith and confidence.  It is good.
And one more thing.  It has been interesting that since I remembered about the sexual and deeply emotional relationship that I had with my cousin from the time I was 7 to 17.  It has given me a liberated feeling to know that it happened and remember all about it.  I can understand more and more how it shaped my life at the time.  And I can let it go...set it free.  That little girl, that young woman, she didn't have the same map that other people had to find their way.  She did the best she could.  What else could she do?
I have been left with a lingering peace.  It is more than a little strange, but I'm going with it.  There are things on the horizon, waiting.  I'm not ready to deal with them, even though these things could be so life-changing, life-saving.  I'm not ready yet.  I have things that I have to do.  I will do them in peace, do them with love.  I will take it all as a blessing.  I will put my blinders on and go about my business.  I am supposed to do that right now.  Patience....peace...yeah...
Sorry if this is a ramble.  Sometimes that is just how it comes out of me.  The disparity between my mental self and my physical self is just hard to take.  But it won't always be this way....patience....peace....

Sharing...

It has taken me a long time to reach out and share my story.  Yes, I write this blog, but not that many people know that it even exists.  I finally feel strong and able enough to share the fact that I am documenting what happened to me, what I continue to learn about my past life, and how I feel about having a chance to be whole and adult and confident and happy.
I find that most people aren't really sure why I'm happy, with all of the hardships and accidents and heartbreaks that I have endured since my suicide.  I am happy in spite of those things. So many not-happy things happened and I have managed to learn and grow from them and turn their energy into happiness.  That doesn't mean that I have forgotten anything or been dismissive.  I just choose to be happy.  It isn't nearly as hard to do as trying to be perfect so everyone else can be happy.  Other people are not my problem, in that their issues are their issues, not my issues.  The teflon philosophy in action, I guess.
I have learned that I can gain strength from sharing my story.  I go to therapy every week, I got to group therapy every week, and I go to see my psychiatrist once a month.  I share with them all of the things that have been going on in my life, from remembering a past that anyone would want to forget, to relating how the different people in my life are relating to me, to admission of my bad days, days I cry and feel sorry for myself, mostly because I can't leave. Not yet.
I am fortunate that I know so many incredible people that are willing to share their stories with me, too.  We all have things to learn from each other's experiences, good and bad.
And recently I have begun a Servant Leadership class, where I share my 'wisdom' with other people, younger and older, and we are each fortified from the positive energy and pure love that we generate as a group and each take with us as we go about our week.  It is incredible so far, and I am supposed to be there, there is a divine reason that hasn't been revealed yet, but it is there.  It is kind of wild to be in a class for two and a half hours and feel your heart radiating outward the entire time, even while I'm driving toward class, I feel a pull, a force that is propelling me.
I hope that over time, people will feel enough at ease to share their stories with me thru this blog.  I consider this a huge part of my healing process.  I would love to be able to help others find their path toward healing.  Maybe I already am and just don't know it.  We all touch so many lives and share little bits and pieces that may not seem important to us at the time, but speak volumes to others.
So share, it is scary but if I can do it, you can too.

Contemplations About the Future...

Please excuse any abnormally bad typos...i am typing on a laptop, and we don't really get along. I'm enjoying having a couple of days and nights alone, off the farm, where i can work and enjoy just being.  on my drive here i was so focused on the beauty around me, and i realized that i was truly just being, present and in the moment, moment to moment, just driving along with a little smile on my face.   It was wonderful, and wonderful to be able to know that i have come this far.  
Ah...back home on a real keyboard....as i was saying...it is wonderful to know that i have come this far, and that I will not allow myself to ever go back.  With all of the horrible things in the world and all of the horrible things that have happened in and around my life, i am happy!  I can't help it, i'm just happy.  I am only a few dollars away from permanently camping somewhere, but it doesn't matter, or it does, but i won't let it rule me.  I won't run around chasing after something that only becomes more elusive the harder it is chased.  I will sit here and smile and enjoy each and every new day...because it is what i'm supposed to do.  I work of course, but my work is my passion and every day is new with my work, too.
I am constantly learning about myself, about what i'm made of these days.  I think about the future, too, but not too hard.  I could go with the Mayans.   Time on this earth could be that short.  I think that if the world doesn't end in december, there will be some new prediction of doom.  and another, and another....
I do know that I am meant to be alone, on my own, somewhere, somehow.  It will be hard, probably.  But deep down it is what i feel...what i look toward, if i look toward anything.  I am actually happy about it.  I hope i will find a way to live on my own and do so without having to live in a cardboard box or in my truck.  I would like to have my own little place someday.  maybe even a loft over a shop.  ah, i'm quite a dreamer for someone that wanted to die.  I wanted to die because i had ceased to have any dreams, any aspirations, any hope.  There was no light at the end of my tunnel or knot on the end of my rope.  And i still tread gingerly into dreaming territory....but i tread, i hope, i dream.  i am glad to be here...and i am supposed to be here and i am supposed to do something special, or monumental, or something....i don't know what that is yet, but it is in here and it will come out when the time is right.  i am okay waiting where i am, enjoying each passing moment, living smack dab in the middle of each and every one!