I feel like I"m two different people. The one who lives in the cartoon, hanging out on the farm and watching tv with my husband. It all looks so normal, but it feels foreign as hell. Especially if I take my blinders off for even a second and look around at all of the unfinished, overgrown, falling down messes. This farm was so pretty and well-kept, but after my suicide and the riding accidents, it was let go....I was the one that made sure things were done, whether I did them or asked someone else to. I guess its that there are two sides to not caring any more about the disposition of the material things that comprised my old life. I don't care but I do care. I really just want to put it behind me, and I will. I will be glad to be just one whole person.
The other person is trying desperately to get things together, and to get healthy and well and energized. It can get frustrating. I've never been this physically fucked up before. It just sucks!!! I do go to a rheumatologist next week and hopefully we can get my physical issues under control. My emotional issues should improve with that, too. I just get so tired of being two people...being disassociated. I know that this is how I was able to kill myself, this separation. Its a little unsettling that I can fall into it easily. But I know I'm doing it now. I have little recollection of my other self before suicide. She was strong and smart and more the real me than the other person that was run over and run down and wanted to run away. I am her now. The me that I used to be, only in a 51 year old, fucked up body. But I have spirit and faith and confidence. It is good.
And one more thing. It has been interesting that since I remembered about the sexual and deeply emotional relationship that I had with my cousin from the time I was 7 to 17. It has given me a liberated feeling to know that it happened and remember all about it. I can understand more and more how it shaped my life at the time. And I can let it go...set it free. That little girl, that young woman, she didn't have the same map that other people had to find their way. She did the best she could. What else could she do?
I have been left with a lingering peace. It is more than a little strange, but I'm going with it. There are things on the horizon, waiting. I'm not ready to deal with them, even though these things could be so life-changing, life-saving. I'm not ready yet. I have things that I have to do. I will do them in peace, do them with love. I will take it all as a blessing. I will put my blinders on and go about my business. I am supposed to do that right now. Patience....peace...yeah...
Sorry if this is a ramble. Sometimes that is just how it comes out of me. The disparity between my mental self and my physical self is just hard to take. But it won't always be this way....patience....peace....
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