Well, Not Yet...

I think that I know too much about what I thought when I first started writing my thoughts down, and how that my first journal contains some huge shifts in my universe.  I guess I'm not ready to look at that quite yet.  I will get there.  I have learned many lessons, sometimes been bludgeoned with them, repeatedly.  There is a long range ripple effect caused by a suicide, even a failed attempt.  I think maybe the failed attempt is so different from someone actually ending their mortal life, in how it ripples out to others close to you.  I am still seeing the damage incurred by others.  I see my oldest son, and adult, at least in physical years, and I know that the problems he is having now, didn't start now, but started after my suicide.  It has changed his relationships with other people, and not in a good way.  He has, in some way that I'm not privy to, alienated and hurt people, caused them to push him away.  I have tried hard to understand him and this huge 'thing that can't be named' that has come about in his life.  He is not going to let me in, at least not any time soon.  One of the many things I have to live with, carry around with myself.  Now he is leaving behind his worldly possessions, cutting ties, and hitting the road with a backpack to find himself out there.  It terrifies me, but I know he has to do this.  I will likely see him for the last time in a long time today.  It doesn't seem real, but it is and I have to support him, even as I ache inside at the thought of something bad happening to him.  I was raised on fear and I did not do that to my children, but there is still a little of it left inside me, even after suicide.  I am not afraid of death, I'm afraid of loss.  Afraid that the universe isn't finished exacting payment for what I did.  Well, I will be strong for myself today...I will cry later.