I Know Too Much Now

I know....a strange title.  Well, its been a long month....where to begin?
I had been waiting for two and a half years for my disability hearing, which finally took place in July.  Then I had to wait two months to find out that my claim had been denied. .. again!  I had really believed that this was going to be the end of this and that my claim would be approved and I could actually have something of my own.   I've been struggling. ...hard....financially and personally.  I was ready to have an income that would allow me to have my own tiny house and not have to depend on the kindness and good graces of other people in order to exist....otherwise I would be homeless.  
So, bottom line is that when my claim was denied,  I spiraled VERY QUICKLY into a deep depression.   I didn't think I was going to make it through this....and didn't think I wanted to. ...saw no reason to go on.  I started planning my suicide. ...I did!  I counted out my meds and figured out how and where and when.  But something was different.  I could feel myself dissociating, and I could stop it....or not.  I know too much now. ...I know what it would do to my friends and family....because if I had decided to go through with it. ....I would not fail again.  I know too much now....like how I screwed up the other time because I didn't go to a hotel instead of staying home.  Given the fact that it was a matter of a couple of minutes between my being able to be brought back and my leaving this world for good....all because I was at home instead of an undisclosed location.
So I guess what saved me was knowing too much.  That and the love and faith of my beloved and my mom.  And also, I gave myself over to the depression. ...on purpose. ...I cried, and walked miles and miles of beach, and I cried, and let my beloved hold me and be my rock.  I cried. ...over and over again.
Then I started to feel like I could have a life. . .make a life ....get back to what was important to me and hopefully save some lives. I have these books to write. ...I have many things to create....I have a family who loves me. ...friends who love me like family. ...I am blessed. ....not cursed.  I will get through this and be better for it. 
So I am "coming out"....to the world. ...as a suicide attempt survivor.   I have joined groups of people like myself.  I am also getting involved in the artisan community online and on a local level.  I have plenty to live for. ...even if it is still financially hard right now. .. it will get better! 
I will survive!  I have begun the books now. .. still hoping to have some of my readers share their stories... and I will see what this all morphs into. ...hopefully I'll be hosting small retreats by next year.  I'll also be vending at a couple of local markets starting in the spring. ...goodkharmarethreads is morphing, too, and I can see art becoming therapy and profits going towards helping others.  
I guess I really can see a future. ...created by myself. ...without fear. ...because its why I didn't die the first time.  I am not finished yet.
I still need your help. ...input. ...stories. ...advice. ...support!
Don't be afraid. ...it will all be confidential!
I must go have dinner. ...have a fine night and stay in the arms of peace.

Where I've Been. ...and I Could Use Your Help

I know. ...where in the hell have I been??!!!
I am in my version of heaven, or paradise.   We live on an island now, part of North Carolina's unique and spectacular outer banks.  We live in a camper that is set permanently in a campground community.   The people are all salt-of-the-earth, blue collar, wonderful folks.  They are very accepting of us, and I already feel that some of these people are family.  They reciprocate, too!  We fit in here, and we are each finding that we belong here. 
We spent the first month with my mom....which was hard for everyone in some ways, but we also found good things and had good times.   I feel closer to my mom than ever....and I miss her now that we are 3 hours away from each other.  But I will be able to visit soon, and she will come to visit us at some point, and she'll love it here, too.
We've had to learn to live together in a small space, and it really is okay.  When you have the ocean 96 steps from your door, you realize that you're never really closed in.  It is a great experience so far.
Now, there have been stressful times, dark days, and times I considered getting in my truck and leaving.  But I don't want that. ...so I am learning to be adult about different things and to be patient with myself and those around me.  I guess I have come to embrace the good and the bad and the rest.  Life is worth living. ...I want to live it.  This is a huge deal for a suicide survivor.
I will be posting on a regular basis from here on....I still have a great deal that I want to share with you.   I will soon start my books. ...I will also be designing and starting to have retreats for suicide survivors. ...for family and friends of survivors. ...and for those who have lost someone to suicide.   I will be using the environment here as well as helping people find the spirituality that will be most helpful for them.   I have so many ideas and I realize that there are many people that I can help. ...that I can reach.   I want to do this very much. ...
Any ideas or advice you might like to contribute to me would be greatly appreciated.  I would LOVE to hear your story.  Your story may help someone choose living over dying.   It might help a parent or child or friend come to a better understanding of what happened to their loved one.
If you don't want to contact me through the blog,  please feel free to contact me via email at sheynascv@gmail.com
I would love to have more to go on than just myself and my story.
Thanks in advance. ...
Now I must get to bed. . .a pirate needs rest, too!  May peace be with you. .. 

We Made It!

As promised, I want to let you know that we are safe and sound in North Carolina.   We arrived on Thursday, and it has been an emotional weekend, as my mom has opened her small home to the three of us, and we have all been learning about each other and ourselves.  
My mom and I have had several important conversations, and I feel like our new relationship is going to be a special and dear one.   I feel very blessed to have this opportunity, and I've come to understand that this relationship is also a part of my do-over, and I am so happy to get to share this with my mom.  I also know how hard it is for her, since she is used to living alone, to have such disarray in her home.   But I feel that we have come so far in these few days toward developing a healthy relationship.  I also see the building of healthy relationships between my beloved and my mom, between my beloved and his daughter, between my mom and my beloved's daughter, and between my 'daughter' and myself.  Oh, and the relationship between my beloved and myself is certainly strengthened by all that we've been through on our trip, and all that goes along with building new relationships.
So we are here. ...we are almost broke but I am not going to let it get to me. ...I know that we'll be alright.
I have to get ready for my disability hearing. ...another thing I know I have to stay positive about.   This is hard for me, but I am going to trust in the Universe that things will happen as they should.
The amazing thing....no S Solution knocking on the doors of doubt and fear inside me.  I feel hopeful and alive, and I am really proud of myself.  I cry easily right now, but the tears are of joy and amazement and relief.  I feel washed clean. ...I went outside last night, as it is Summer Solstice, and thanked the Universe for all that I have ....and envisioned all of the wonderful things ahead of me, and it felt good. ...really good! 
I am alive!  I want to stay that way, too!
This is a really good thing!
I wish everyone a happy Solstice and I hope that you are able to embrace the changes and chances that await you. ...may you see the good. ...and let go of what no longer serves you. ...it is time. ...namaste.

Check It Out!

I just wanted to take a few minutes to update.   We're still in the process of packing and purging. ...we head out for the east coast on Monday morning.
Now, through all of this hoopla, and the sheer exhaustion of packing, shuffling, loading and unloading donations, arranging for pickup of larger donations, and dealing with the ups and downs of teen angst, among other emotional displays and discussions, I have had no desire to pull out the S Solution.   I can't begin to explain how happy this makes me feel. ...I'm not worried about dying. ...I truly want to live this done-over life of mine.  
I will be thinking of you,  my dear readers, while traveling across almost 2000 miles next week.   I will be sure to check back in once we get there, too! Until then, I have more than a body, especially a pretty broken one, can deal with, so I won't likely be posting again until we've made our way to NC.
Until then, be happy....stay safe. ...know that you matter. ...and may peace be with you!  Namaste!

FINALLY!

Hey there!  I guess I seem to have fallen and I couldn't get up!  No, nothing so serious here....just too much going on at once to have the luxury of doing just this!  Crazy!
Okay, here's the crazy....we're moving back to North Carolina in about 3 weeks or maybe a tad less....and so all of the things leading up to such a life-changing event and all of the stress and happiness involved....ugh!  It has been a strange time, and it has taken a great deal of patience; and still is, for that matter.
I have to say, though, that through all of this, I have had the 'S' solution pop into my head, and each time it has been simple to tell it to go back from whence it came....not interested in dying....I'm way more interested in FINALLY living!!!!
This is my do-over; and I am sharing it with my beloved, and we are moving one step closer to our dream lifestyle.  It is very exciting, indeed.  
Also, I FINALLY have a court date for my disability hearing....after waiting patiently (for the most part, anyway) for over two years.  So I would be traveling to NC anyway for the hearing, but given that our rent was going up here, and we haven't been doing anything but existing prior to any increase....we decided we may as well move now, while the moving is good, and get the teenager in a good school (she has been taking all of this very well, in spite of the fact that she'll be leaving her first beau!, so I'm really proud of our daughter....smart girl!), and us in an area so that our rent is basically cut in half, we will be among friends and family, and be able to enjoy the beach and the mountains and have something left over to have a life....be able to go out to lunch....the little things!
So, I feel great....this is a big deal for me.... to FINALLY be able to conquer the idea of the 'S' Solution!  To feel able to move forward, truly toward even better things.  
I hope you were looking to be cheered up, since this is definitely an upbeat post. What can I say?  I'm happy!!  The family is happy!  I doubt that my ex is happy....I just emailed him today regarding our move, to let him know that I have no plans to ruin his life or bother him and that we'll be on the other side of the county from him.  He will have to deal with it!  It will be interesting, since I know of at least a couple of lies he has told our kids, and I will be around to defend myself from now on.  Maybe he'll move.  That would be okay.  But I honestly have nothing but good wishes for the man, even after everything.  I want nothing more than to see him find himself and find some happiness.  It just won't be with me!!
I shall go for now!  I will keep you posted....I have some packing to do!!  Namaste'!

A Waste of Good Coffee....

There is plenty going on inside my head these days.  I am still learning to be still and pay attention, not be reactive, and stay positive.  One of the things I am doing, as I've mentioned before, is going back through my journals that I've been keeping since I was in the psych ward following my suicide, back in January 2011.  
I came across this entry the other day, and I knew I should share it with you.  When I look back at this long journey I've been taking since my re-birth, I realize that I spent so much time paralyzed, and that I still have those times, but at least not as often.  
There are many recurring themes in my journaling, and trying to figure out my relationship with my husband has been one such theme.  It took me a while to come to terms with his part in my death and re-birth. This particular entry, especially rereading it now, is oh so telling....

December 21, 2011

"A waste of good coffee - one more spoonful would make all of the difference, yet every morning that my husband makes coffee, its one scoop/spoonful too weak, can't be fixed.
I guess that sums it up, and is an analogy of my marriage - one spoonful light in love, passion, respect.  Oh well, that's the way it goes.  I am the bad one, the one to blame, the bitch.  At least I'm used to the role, and now it doesn't come with me also feeling shame, guilt, fear, etc.  That one spoonful is not my lack; it is someone else's.  I am more likely to add an extra scoop, not omit one."

So there you have it.  It is one of those things that would be so insignificant, except that back before I died, for quite a few years, I could tell when it was time for some 'pity sex' when the coffee got weaker.  I guess it was a passive/aggressive way of getting my attention?  And it was so....because after some 'pity sex' the coffee got stronger again, at least for a while.  I think of all the pots of coffee I poured down the drain so that I could make a pot that actually tasted like coffee instead of burned water.  Years of pouring out this wasted liquid.  And actually, because my husband also had serious 'cheapskate' issues, knowing that he did this on purpose....ugh!  Kind of sad, huh? 

Well, I never have to deal with that again....my beloved loves my coffee, and doesn't mind that I add two extra scoops....for he knows what we all know....you can always make strong coffee less strong by adding a little water, but you can't fix it if its not strong enough....its just a waste of good coffee.


  

Thanks to You!

Yep!  I want to thank you all for being there, wherever 'there' may be, and for reading my posts....especially when they are as strange (or not) as the last one. Actually, I just reread the post myself, and wanted to take the time to check in and post an update.  
First of all, I am still alive and kicking, while not too high, mind you, but I'm kicking nonetheless.  As a suicide survivor, I know that it means something to be alive each and every day.  I know that getting past the idea, the 'S' solution, is always a victory in itself.  And, yes, writing it, posting it, is probably one of the most therapeutic things I can do.  
I think that having my youngest son here for a week and a half was also very helpful.  He is very intuitive, and not afraid to tell it like it is.  And as he and I talked about many of the issues that have been plaguing me, he gave me a great deal of insight and good, if unsolicited, advice.  
Basically, he helped me to gain perspective on many things, such as that I am here to be parenting, like it or not. That it is up to me to be happy about it and to allow it be something to build relationships instead of ruin them.  That this is where I belong, and that what I do is important and has meaning.  
I also talked to him at length about my fibromyalgia and the disability issues, and I feel like he now understands exactly how debilitating my condition can be, and how it has affected my life decisions and my life in general; and then, of course, the financial aspects of being unable to 'get a job', and having to wait so long for the disability trial.  
It was wonderful to have him here, and to watch as he became comfortable with my beloved and his daughter; they are all going to be able to be 'family', which makes me so very happy.  I think we all got something special from our time together....priceless.
So, I just wanted to take the time to thank you, dear readers, for taking the time to read my words.  I'll be back soon....I'm in the middle of editing photos for ebay and etsy and my other blog (GoodKharmaReThreads)....but I haven't forgotten about you....just trying to make ends meet, like everybody else I know.  Peace to you....