Let Go of My E-GO....

Sorry I didn't get back before now....life does take up more time these days, now that I'm learning how to actually live these moments individually and collectively.  
In my last post I shared my epiphany from February 5th, about the ego and how it was time for me to realign mine back to a healthy state....and, as I also shared, this was easier said than done.  So, today I will share my "Today's Lesson" from February 6th:

2/6/15

My lesson today....more letting go.  The Universe insists that I shed my ego: 

   E-GO  -  lEt-GO  -  okay!

My karma is not attached to anyone else's.  It is mine and my responsibility to try to improve myself and what I release into the world.  I am having with this - the realization that I am alone with my karma.  And, that if letting go of my ego affects another's ego negatively (as in making it bigger), that is their karma, not mine.  Their choice to seize power that is up for grabs, or let it go.  

I have to release myself from my ideology here and then I hope I can let go of my ego.  I don't want it.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be off of the 'Samsara Ride' (In Buddhism, samsara is the cycle of suffering that all beings strive to overcome in order to be able to be truly happy and compassionate and enlightened).  Only I can make the choice for myself to change, to get off this 'ride' of suffering and move on - move forward on my path.  

The interconnectedness (with my beloved) is just so close that it is confusing at times.  And the rejection is part of my karma - payback for those I've rejected. 

I understand this.  I will eat it and try to digest it and not spit it out....let it all go.

To clarify things - the rejection I am referring to is from my deep desire to be with my partner physically, basically offering myself to him, and not being taken up on my offer.  This was such a blow to my ego - ego that I didn't even realize was inside me - and my reaction was anger and resentment and other such negative emotions.  

Truthfully, this was the best thing that could have happened to me....it has allowed me to see the holes in my spiritual education and growth, and to address issues that I now know are directly related to my past....lack of self-worth, self-love, self-esteem....thinking that my sexual self was supposed to be used as a control tool....I could keep going, but I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.

I will try to be back tomorrow and continue this with my next day's lesson (2/7) and it's effect on, well, on everything.  It is interesting when I see how the life I was forced to lead as a child and teen, and then the life I chose to lead as an 'adult', and the factors that ultimately led me to choose death over life....well, that its all a process of shedding and growing....and the realization that I'm not finished by a long shot....and that its okay!

Until then....

My Apologies....

Yes, I must apologize for my absence from blogging....I have no real excuse, although there have been so many lessons and epiphanies since I last posted back in January, and I have tried to document as much as possible.  

For this post, I just want to share this inspirational writing that I vomited up on February 5th....it was a week of learning some really important lessons, and this writing was the beginning of this extremely transformational time, so I will share and also i will share the subsequent lessons that sprang from taking my own advice....

2-5-15

Let Go....Let Go....Let Go!

Open up - open the heart, soul, mind 
Look inside - seek and you shall find

Open up and let go - no  need to be alarmed that there is no safety net.  There is no ground beneath your feet.
Let go - let go of each selfish thought or action - let go and open yourself up to the possibility that you lack nothing and your needs are easily met by the act of having faith, trust, and letting go of your ego.  Let your ego dissipate - dissolve - wash away your ego and leave yourself bare and clean - free from the constraints of "I" and "me" and even "we".
Let go, more and more; release your demons and forgive yourself.  Forgiveness is freedom; forgiveness is love.
Let go - be open to the vast Universe.
Just let go....open your heart....see and feel the goodness, and radiate it outward to give it freely to the world.

There....I will be back tomorrow with my lessons from 2-6-15....because implementing the above was a whole lot more difficult and revealing than I expected....the ego is one powerful beast, for sure.

Until then, may you be filled with and surrounded by peace.  Namaste.

And Now I am Four....

Yep, I made it through my ReBirthday....which for me begins on January 14th and ends on January 15th....a long 24 hours of reflections and growth.  This year it was different, as it seems to be every successive year from the date of my death and rebirth.  
Being in a new home, new state, new relationship, new everything....has definitely allowed me a different kind of perspective than in the previous years.  I can see different choices for my future, as well as being able to see how, even a year ago, events were taking place that would eventually lead me to this new place on my path.  It has been quite the journey, this past year, and it feels pretty good to be settled for now.  I need to be settled for now, that is for sure.  It is harder to embrace than I thought it would be, this being settled.  I am ever so watchful of my role here and I still keep my red flag system at the ready.  I don't know if that kind of safety system ever goes away or changes, can relax, at least with me. I hope that someday I can truly relax, and be myself, because it seems that even when I think I've gotten to that place, I realize that I am not there quite yet....closer, definitely....but not there yet.
But, I think the depression from the holidays and the anticipation of my rebirthday are lifting now.  It has been more of a battle than I expected it to be.  Like I said, I still have a ways to go.  I also have to give myself a break, considering that I relocated to what may as well be a foreign country, only 3 and 1/2 months ago....and we've only had our own house for a month.  I have just had a hard time, as I have had to figure out my place, my role, and also accept these things.  There are good days and bad and in-between....and I have come to realize that part of my problem is that I am NEVER alone.   Hopefully, once winter has passed, I will be able to get outside and garden and do things and not feel quite so trapped.  I don't do so well with 'trapped', as we all know.  I have days when I feel like a chauffeur and a cook and a laundry lady and nothing more.  There are times when I think that I should just get in my truck and head for somewhere else.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time, except maybe its just who I am, how I am.  I've spent so much time being used that I notice normal activities as being taken advantage of instead of just part of life.  I have to work through this somehow....
I spent a great deal of time the past two days reading from my journals.  I came across a few revelations; I can let go of the guilt from leaving my husband....I needed to leave him....and he needed me to leave him....long before I left.  I have done my best to repair the damage done by my suicide, and I can see that it has indeed been taken care of....I have good relationships with my boys, and they can go on with their lives now, as can I.  I have made peace with my mother....on terms we both can live with and be happy about. I am getting ready to start working on my books....which is why I had been going through the journals and other writings....I'm finally feeling ready to face the pages and words and see the progress and the pitfalls and turn all of that information into something that can help other people like me, and people's families and friends.  It will be very cathartic for me....and I feel strong enough, in spite of feeling unsettled, to take these projects on now.
So, I am now four....I can't say at what rate I have been 'growing up', but I think I am at the point of adulthood now....2014 was a year filled with big growing pains, and now I have to assimilate it all and be the woman I never got to be before.  And this is SCARY AS HELL!!!  But its time....I'll be okay, right?  I think ultimately I will be more than just okay....I just have to learn to LIVE this life, this gift that I've been given....
I have also come to a really important place spiritually.  I am starting to really understand who I am inside and how important each moment is....especially since I very easily could not be here....and I am opening myself up to others again, even in this foreign place....the funny thing is, others have begun to be drawn to me again, so I know I'm putting myself out there spiritually for those who might need something from me, even if that something is just a smile.  
I think being four will be good for me.  I still have some digging to do, but I am ready to be open and to get into life.  It is my do-over in motion....and I have to keep my nerve up to stay on this ride instead of thinking I could just jump off....because this ride is my life and its a gift and I have made some wonderful choices that have put great love and commonality in every moment, present and future....so, I will tighten my seat belt and just go with it....why not?
I will be using my journals for some posts in the near future....so much stuff to share that I had forgotten about, and forgotten that the journals were originally going to be the basis of this blog.  So, as I go through them, I'll be sharing with you how it felt then, and how it feels now.  It will be therapeutic for me and hopefully for you, too.  

New Year - New Relationships

I've been thinking a great deal over the past few days, as one year ended gracefully and another began just as gracefully, about how the relationships in my life have changed, mostly in a graceful manner, as well.  I talk a lot about how people seem to fall away, enter and re-enter one's life, etc.
Given the fact that I've moved on with my life and truly feel like I'm at a wonderful and expansive place in my blessed "do-over", its interesting to reflect on the people involved.  I know that the radical way that I 'moved on' has been a shock to some folks....that's okay....change is like this.  There is no way to move on without leaving things behind.  There is no way to end or amend relationships without causing pain and a feeling of loss.  These are just the facts of life.  But, even though I feel like some people have dropped out of my life 'unjustly', I can understand.  I have dropped out of other people's lives in the same way....this is a two-way street kind of thing.  It is what it is....
I feel blessed....
One of the biggest blessings is being able to have a new relationship with my mother.  She and I have been through many dark times and have caused each other pain and grief.  We have also lived through many good times and have given each other much joy and love.  I think the factors: our being separated by about 1800 miles, our individual spiritual growth, my personal 'growing up' and having adult relationships in which I shun anything remotely associated with codependency, and her 'getting a life'.....have all contributed to our being able to grow closer.  I also know that this particular relationship works now because we have both grown so much.  I know, though, that my absence from my mother's life for a few years was the thing that allowed her growth, and I won't ever do anything to get in the way of that.  But having her in my life again is a beautiful thing and I treasure it immensely.  I'm sure there are people who will never understand how I could allow this relationship to even exist....not my problem. 
I am still unsure how my relationships with my boys will shake out....but I feel that we are all adults now and I know that they love me and will be happy that I am happy.  It has to be hard for them, though, to know the effect that my leaving their father had on him.  They have both had to witness what I have not.  I love my husband, not like a lover, but like a friend and family member.  I don't think he will ever forgive my leaving, though.  It doesn't matter that our marriage has been over for a long, long time....its all about, to him, in his mind, that I left him for another man.  I didn't leave him for another man....I left him for myself, and because our marriage was a sham, broken beyond repair....but he has to have someone to tie blame to....and so, again, it is what it is.  I just hate it for my boys....they love both of us....and it will be interesting to see how they feel when they get to know my partner better and see my simple happiness.  I hope that they will be the accepting people that I worked so hard to raise them to be.....time will tell, I suppose.
I know that I've lost a few good friends.....some temporarily and some probably forever.....but that is what happens when one does something radical.  I lost a few friends when I committed suicide, too....some temporarily and some forever....and from that I learned that life goes on, and those who truly love you and want to be part of your life will be there....and others will fall away.  My decision to leave and start a new life elsewhere, with a new family, and to basically go after happiness and love....well, that is something that each person takes differently, I'm sure....not my problem.
I wouldn't trade my relationship with my partner for anything....that is the honest truth....its great to be in love and be an adult and have a real relationship and partnership that's based on real trust and pure love.  I am surprised daily by the ease of it.  I didn't know that life could be like this....and I'm damned glad that I took the chance, the leap of faith, to get here.  I would hate to think that I would have missed this experience, this relationship....and I know that it is something that can't be completely explained to most people, but the closeness and intensity and complete comfort that we share is priceless beyond words.  I hope that the Universe will continue to smile upon us, and that we'll get to have a long life together, grow old together, and have the gift of time and health on our side. 
My budding relationship with my 'daughter' is another huge gift to me.  It means so much to me that she accepts me in her life and that there is no resentment, no snarkiness, just gladness at the chance to have a loving home and people who aren't going to abandon her the way her mother did.  I am so happy that I'm able to be here for her, with her, and show her what true love and genuine affection look like before she heads off into adulthood.  So, as much as I feel our relationship is a gift to me, I know that I am giving her a gift as well.  This is a huge part of why I moved my life 1800 miles....and I don't regret it.
As a suicide survivor, I have had to deal with so many kinds of relationships and the impact that my death/life has had on them, not to mention the time and effort it took to repair so many important ties.  It has taught me many, many lessons about human nature, forgiveness, acceptance, judgement....many lessons, indeed.  I'm sure that if you are also a survivor, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  If you're a loved one of a survivor, you know, as well.  There are things that can't be changed or taken back or ever fixed.  There are also many opportunities to establish new relationships, revamp existing ones, end those that have been outgrown....
I welcome 2015....and the chance to have 'new' relationships of all flavors.  I hope that you'll take the chance to do the same....you can't have too many friends, loved ones, etc.  You get to decide what kind of relationships work in your life and what don't....you have choices, and you have the capacity to accept other people's choices.  Embrace all the love and joy that you can....revel in those you can truly trust....don't dwell too long on those who fall away....you'll be okay....the Universe has plans for you!

2014 - A Year of Living Dangerously?

Well, what do you do with a title like that?  
I have to say, this year has been so full of fast-paced insanity and slow-paced waiting...so many things have happened, changed, not happened....seems like nothing was ever what it started out to be.  
And what would make that dangerous, you ask?  Well, for a suicide survivor, danger is always there.  Because we make the conscious decision to stay in this world and find out what happens in a given situation, or not.  Every day, all the time!  That's just how it is, at least how its been for me.  
I think back to the first part of this year, when I was surrounded by my 'kids' and trying to figure out what I should do with my life....watching each of them, in turn, make life-altering decisions....while I felt stuck with a life I didn't want....a marriage I couldn't fit into anymore....a project (the farm and the idea of farming as a way of living) I didn't really start or finish, yet worked my ass off to keep going until I couldn't see the point any longer....friends that I could and couldn't count on....a love that I tried my best to let go of and found out that this was just not something I could stand to live without....and on and on....
I know that it was a year of feeling so damned defeated over and over again.  There were many dark times.  Yet it was also a year of finding myself, figuring out why I didn't die, what the Universe really had in store for me, and realizing that I had the power and the choice to do and be who I am....and the right to live the life I wanted for myself, as opposed to staying in a stagnant pretense of a marriage, doing work that I didn't want to do, etc.  
In the end, I have found peace and joy.  I see hope on the horizon and feel it in my heart. I have journeyed internally and externally along my true path, and lived to tell about it.  I have faced demons literally and metaphorically and come through a stronger, more confident person.  I have had relationships fall away and relationships be renewed and rebuilt.  
I am happy.  Tomorrow could bring anything, but it won't change the fact that I'm happy.  I realize that being happy is really what makes life worth living.  I also realize that it can be a very unpopular thing....there are many people that thrive on other people's unhappiness....that don't know how to be happy for someone, even someone they care deeply about, when that someone has taken that leap of faith and found happiness and peace.  Maybe they are afraid to do it for themselves and so they don't really like to see someone else find what they can't seem to, no matter how hard they try. I can't say...I am not that kind of person.  
But I have seen, and really paid attention to it this year, that there are so many unhappy people....looking for answers but unable to find what they seek.  They are living dangerously, I think.  I realize that there are so many who are on the brink of depression, or already there, and who may decide that life is no longer worth living.  Dangerous....at least from where I sit.  Maybe because I've been there, even as recently as a month ago or so, and I know exactly how it can turn from feeling bad to just being ready to give up.  I feel lucky, believe it or not, that I have lived and died and lived again, and that I know the signs, have the red flags in place, recognize the beginnings of dissociation from what is, and can steer myself through the darkness that comes unbidden until I find something positive to grasp to get me back into the light.  
Has this been a year of living dangerously?  Absolutely....and it seems that it has been this way for pretty much everyone that I know....in some way or another.  This year's instability, for lack of a better description, has put many people in situations that may have been over their head....because everything seems to have been magnified; and every change, of which their were many, was a BIG one.  It has not been a subtle year, that's for sure.  
I'm hopeful that we have all gotten through 2014 fairly unscathed.  I think many people will carry the scars from such a volatile succession of changes, and I hope that as they look at those scars they will be reminded of the fortitude that they found within themselves to deal with such volatility and uncertainty as we have all gone through in these past 12 months.  I hope that we can see that we are all stronger and better for what we've endured, and that the changes to our lives have been necessary if we are to survive in this crazy world.  Sometimes living dangerously is just the way it is....and its better than not living, literally or metaphorically....living through 'dangerous' times may seem dire at the time; but as I look back, I can see that the changes and choices and chances which seemed so dangerous and scary and sometimes downright impossible have all ended up okay, and have left me with scars that I can look at and smile at, and be glad that I experienced the 'danger', because I also experienced the 'living', and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  
I hope this year's end brings peace to you, as it has to me....and that you can see the gifts, the good parts, and take those forward into the year ahead....namaste....

So This is Christmas....

Its hard to believe that its Christmas again....and for many of us, its not a time of great joy and fond memories.  I know that I am having a particularly difficult time staying out of the pit of depression, so I imagine that many of you are feeling likewise.  Don't panic!  Its quite normal....even regular people get depressed during the holidays.  And why not?   After all, it is driven by the need to find perfect presents and have perfect experiences.  
I have had so many less-than-perfect holiday experiences that I shun the idea of even attempting 'jolly' and other things synonymous with this time of year.  I am happy just to not be crying or completely enveloped in darkness.  I was definitely headed there earlier this month, as recently as last week; and then I remembered that I have every right to feel the way I do about the 'holidays', and that I also have every right to medicate myself properly, so that I can get through these coming days.  
I look back on the holiday season of 2010, the one before my suicide.  Well, I can't honestly say that I 'look back' because I don't remember much about it....apparently I was already dissociated from everything and everyone and spent most of the time in a drunken stupor, depressed and sad and tearful and seeing that I didn't want any part of the holidays, which had become nothing more to me than a season of one disappointing thing after another.  So I chose to stay as anesthetized as I could.  And, because I was a pro at dissociation, I had no trouble convincing most of the people around me that I was just fine, just partying, just going through the motions laid down by our family's traditions....and those who saw through my ruse and attempted to help me found that there was no way to do that.  I think I was already too far gone, and even I didn't know it yet.  
Here I am, and its 2014....I have had a helluva year, for sure....just by virtue of the fact that I've relocated my life 1800 miles from family and friends, started a new relationship with the one person in the world that I truly trust completely, 'adopted' a teenage daughter, and spent every last penny that I had to my name to get here and take this chance on a new beginning.  It is still terrifying, to say the least.
Yes, I've been depressed.  I have been unavailable.  I have dragged my sad ass out of the stupor and made myself take my meds and try to at least be HERE.  I know that being HERE is the antidote for dissociating.  So I am working hard to stay HERE.  
There is so much positive that is taking place: we have our new home, and it feels good!!  I have set up my new studio space, and also my desk with computer for writing and blogging and helping my partner with our business.  We have our own room, and Jay has her own room, and we have a positive outlook for the coming year as far as our businesses go.  
I know that when someone is depressed, they don't see the positive in anything...or if they do they just don't care enough to allow it to lift them up.  Depression is a truly harsh mistress...she will suck every last bit of energy and motivation out of the strongest among us. So I address this post to all of you who find yourselves depressed or getting depressed or thinking of the dreaded 'S'!  I know that this time of year brings on more suicides and attempted suicides than any other.  
I want you to know that you aren't alone.  If you have no one else, please, feel free to contact me via email or through the blog's comment section.  I will be here.  I am always available to anyone who needs to know that they're not alone, or to anyone who is heavy-hearted due to having lost someone to suicide and just need to talk to someone who can understand.  I can be that person.  I have been that person for many people.  It is my job to be that person for you, whoever you are, whatever your situation.  So PLEASE don't be standoffish or afraid...I'm here....and of course, there are local organizations that you can contact, places you can go....but sometimes that is just too much....because when you get truly depressed, it takes too much effort to do most everything.  
I AM HERE!!!!  And I want you to know that I am more than happy to just listen....no judgements, no advice (unless you want it), no hassle....I just have big ears and big shoulders and I am not afraid to hear your story, ease your burden, just be there for you.  I AM HERE!
I will be blogging more frequently now that I have a computer.  I will be checking for correspondence....
I hope you have a good Christmas Eve....I am going to make something and play my guitar and do a little cleaning and just try to keep myself occupied with the day-t0-day so that I can stay HERE.  I will be back tomorrow and I will be checking periodically throughout the day and night....and you can email me at sheynascv@gmail.com or text me at 720-526-1306 if you need to reach out...I AM HERE!!!!  
Much love and hope and healing to you today.....

Miracles Abound...

It has taken me a few days to get back to writing.  So much has come to pass and is still in the offing that its hard to put things down into words, for fear that it will somehow 'jinx' something...but no, I will keep the faith, the trust, the positivity.
Facing the idea of being thrown out of our 'home', a basement, really got me freaked out to the point of finally just giving up and giving in and putting myself into the hands of my love and of the Universe. There was certainly no wind left in my sails.
Having to make a decision....to leave this state and return to NC...to take a heartbroken freshman out of high school mid-year....seemed like the only answer for us, as we could find nothing to rent in this town.  Nothing...
Enter the miracles....
A house that a neighbor's family owns and is being vacated as I type....what will be our new and first real home together as a newly formed family....was dropped into our laps about five minutes before we were going to reserve a u-haul trailer for the journey eastward.  Our limited budget and urgent time constraint seemed something that would make this house impossible, too...so we waited....and as it turned out, every single thing came together and unless something unthinkable happens, we'll be in our new home this time next week.
A surprise phone call from someone who was wanting to help us monetarily...a few minutes before we were set to call him.
A reprieve from our 'landlord' from being evicted and being forced to seek shelter during the interim between the end of November and the move-in date to our new place.
I have always believed in miracles....have seen so many things that can't be explained....and I can't express enough gratitude for the angels that have come to our rescue and for the Universe's generosity.
I know that it is a miracle in itself that I'm alive and undamaged from the big "S" in 2011.  I know that I had heavy karmic dues to pay, and pay I have, for taking my own life and hurting so many people.  I also know that I have a job to do out in the world.  I have books to write that will hopefully help  a lot of people.  I have good deeds to do, people to help, projects to finish, and as many other ways as I can come up with to fight the good fight in this world that I was not meant to leave.
Right now, every day is a miracle to me....every moment a precious reminder that life is what you make it, no matter your surroundings or situation.  I realize more than ever that I have purpose; that I count.  And I hold my breath that nothing will fall through....that we will have our home soon....and I can get busy with life again instead of feeling like I'm just existing.
Many people spent the month of November giving thanks for something each day.  I had to work hard to find those 'somethings', as all people do when things in their lives become too dire, too stressful, too seemingly impossible.  But I have kept my gratitude, my appreciation, my hope....and I will continue to be grateful every day and to try and do something good, meaningful, special...even if it seems mundane and negligible....because I know that no act of goodness or kindness is lost on the world.
My point today....miracles exist....the Universe does listen....so please, pay attention.....be willing to be humble, and grateful, for even the smallest things.  Just as each of us is significant, each little thing we do, we give, we receive....is significant as well.
So I am carefully sharing my miracles with you....so that, in case you weren't aware, you can see that miracles do happen, and that they can happen to anyone.  I think the key is gratitude....for all that you have and all that you don't have....be grateful....be humble....be happy!