I've been thinking a great deal over the past few days, as one year ended gracefully and another began just as gracefully, about how the relationships in my life have changed, mostly in a graceful manner, as well. I talk a lot about how people seem to fall away, enter and re-enter one's life, etc.
Given the fact that I've moved on with my life and truly feel like I'm at a wonderful and expansive place in my blessed "do-over", its interesting to reflect on the people involved. I know that the radical way that I 'moved on' has been a shock to some folks....that's okay....change is like this. There is no way to move on without leaving things behind. There is no way to end or amend relationships without causing pain and a feeling of loss. These are just the facts of life. But, even though I feel like some people have dropped out of my life 'unjustly', I can understand. I have dropped out of other people's lives in the same way....this is a two-way street kind of thing. It is what it is....
I feel blessed....
One of the biggest blessings is being able to have a new relationship with my mother. She and I have been through many dark times and have caused each other pain and grief. We have also lived through many good times and have given each other much joy and love. I think the factors: our being separated by about 1800 miles, our individual spiritual growth, my personal 'growing up' and having adult relationships in which I shun anything remotely associated with codependency, and her 'getting a life'.....have all contributed to our being able to grow closer. I also know that this particular relationship works now because we have both grown so much. I know, though, that my absence from my mother's life for a few years was the thing that allowed her growth, and I won't ever do anything to get in the way of that. But having her in my life again is a beautiful thing and I treasure it immensely. I'm sure there are people who will never understand how I could allow this relationship to even exist....not my problem.
I am still unsure how my relationships with my boys will shake out....but I feel that we are all adults now and I know that they love me and will be happy that I am happy. It has to be hard for them, though, to know the effect that my leaving their father had on him. They have both had to witness what I have not. I love my husband, not like a lover, but like a friend and family member. I don't think he will ever forgive my leaving, though. It doesn't matter that our marriage has been over for a long, long time....its all about, to him, in his mind, that I left him for another man. I didn't leave him for another man....I left him for myself, and because our marriage was a sham, broken beyond repair....but he has to have someone to tie blame to....and so, again, it is what it is. I just hate it for my boys....they love both of us....and it will be interesting to see how they feel when they get to know my partner better and see my simple happiness. I hope that they will be the accepting people that I worked so hard to raise them to be.....time will tell, I suppose.
I know that I've lost a few good friends.....some temporarily and some probably forever.....but that is what happens when one does something radical. I lost a few friends when I committed suicide, too....some temporarily and some forever....and from that I learned that life goes on, and those who truly love you and want to be part of your life will be there....and others will fall away. My decision to leave and start a new life elsewhere, with a new family, and to basically go after happiness and love....well, that is something that each person takes differently, I'm sure....not my problem.
I wouldn't trade my relationship with my partner for anything....that is the honest truth....its great to be in love and be an adult and have a real relationship and partnership that's based on real trust and pure love. I am surprised daily by the ease of it. I didn't know that life could be like this....and I'm damned glad that I took the chance, the leap of faith, to get here. I would hate to think that I would have missed this experience, this relationship....and I know that it is something that can't be completely explained to most people, but the closeness and intensity and complete comfort that we share is priceless beyond words. I hope that the Universe will continue to smile upon us, and that we'll get to have a long life together, grow old together, and have the gift of time and health on our side.
My budding relationship with my 'daughter' is another huge gift to me. It means so much to me that she accepts me in her life and that there is no resentment, no snarkiness, just gladness at the chance to have a loving home and people who aren't going to abandon her the way her mother did. I am so happy that I'm able to be here for her, with her, and show her what true love and genuine affection look like before she heads off into adulthood. So, as much as I feel our relationship is a gift to me, I know that I am giving her a gift as well. This is a huge part of why I moved my life 1800 miles....and I don't regret it.
As a suicide survivor, I have had to deal with so many kinds of relationships and the impact that my death/life has had on them, not to mention the time and effort it took to repair so many important ties. It has taught me many, many lessons about human nature, forgiveness, acceptance, judgement....many lessons, indeed. I'm sure that if you are also a survivor, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're a loved one of a survivor, you know, as well. There are things that can't be changed or taken back or ever fixed. There are also many opportunities to establish new relationships, revamp existing ones, end those that have been outgrown....
I welcome 2015....and the chance to have 'new' relationships of all flavors. I hope that you'll take the chance to do the same....you can't have too many friends, loved ones, etc. You get to decide what kind of relationships work in your life and what don't....you have choices, and you have the capacity to accept other people's choices. Embrace all the love and joy that you can....revel in those you can truly trust....don't dwell too long on those who fall away....you'll be okay....the Universe has plans for you!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
2014 - A Year of Living Dangerously?
Well, what do you do with a title like that?
I have to say, this year has been so full of fast-paced insanity and slow-paced waiting...so many things have happened, changed, not happened....seems like nothing was ever what it started out to be.
And what would make that dangerous, you ask? Well, for a suicide survivor, danger is always there. Because we make the conscious decision to stay in this world and find out what happens in a given situation, or not. Every day, all the time! That's just how it is, at least how its been for me.
I think back to the first part of this year, when I was surrounded by my 'kids' and trying to figure out what I should do with my life....watching each of them, in turn, make life-altering decisions....while I felt stuck with a life I didn't want....a marriage I couldn't fit into anymore....a project (the farm and the idea of farming as a way of living) I didn't really start or finish, yet worked my ass off to keep going until I couldn't see the point any longer....friends that I could and couldn't count on....a love that I tried my best to let go of and found out that this was just not something I could stand to live without....and on and on....
I know that it was a year of feeling so damned defeated over and over again. There were many dark times. Yet it was also a year of finding myself, figuring out why I didn't die, what the Universe really had in store for me, and realizing that I had the power and the choice to do and be who I am....and the right to live the life I wanted for myself, as opposed to staying in a stagnant pretense of a marriage, doing work that I didn't want to do, etc.
In the end, I have found peace and joy. I see hope on the horizon and feel it in my heart. I have journeyed internally and externally along my true path, and lived to tell about it. I have faced demons literally and metaphorically and come through a stronger, more confident person. I have had relationships fall away and relationships be renewed and rebuilt.
I am happy. Tomorrow could bring anything, but it won't change the fact that I'm happy. I realize that being happy is really what makes life worth living. I also realize that it can be a very unpopular thing....there are many people that thrive on other people's unhappiness....that don't know how to be happy for someone, even someone they care deeply about, when that someone has taken that leap of faith and found happiness and peace. Maybe they are afraid to do it for themselves and so they don't really like to see someone else find what they can't seem to, no matter how hard they try. I can't say...I am not that kind of person.
But I have seen, and really paid attention to it this year, that there are so many unhappy people....looking for answers but unable to find what they seek. They are living dangerously, I think. I realize that there are so many who are on the brink of depression, or already there, and who may decide that life is no longer worth living. Dangerous....at least from where I sit. Maybe because I've been there, even as recently as a month ago or so, and I know exactly how it can turn from feeling bad to just being ready to give up. I feel lucky, believe it or not, that I have lived and died and lived again, and that I know the signs, have the red flags in place, recognize the beginnings of dissociation from what is, and can steer myself through the darkness that comes unbidden until I find something positive to grasp to get me back into the light.
Has this been a year of living dangerously? Absolutely....and it seems that it has been this way for pretty much everyone that I know....in some way or another. This year's instability, for lack of a better description, has put many people in situations that may have been over their head....because everything seems to have been magnified; and every change, of which their were many, was a BIG one. It has not been a subtle year, that's for sure.
I'm hopeful that we have all gotten through 2014 fairly unscathed. I think many people will carry the scars from such a volatile succession of changes, and I hope that as they look at those scars they will be reminded of the fortitude that they found within themselves to deal with such volatility and uncertainty as we have all gone through in these past 12 months. I hope that we can see that we are all stronger and better for what we've endured, and that the changes to our lives have been necessary if we are to survive in this crazy world. Sometimes living dangerously is just the way it is....and its better than not living, literally or metaphorically....living through 'dangerous' times may seem dire at the time; but as I look back, I can see that the changes and choices and chances which seemed so dangerous and scary and sometimes downright impossible have all ended up okay, and have left me with scars that I can look at and smile at, and be glad that I experienced the 'danger', because I also experienced the 'living', and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
I hope this year's end brings peace to you, as it has to me....and that you can see the gifts, the good parts, and take those forward into the year ahead....namaste....
I have to say, this year has been so full of fast-paced insanity and slow-paced waiting...so many things have happened, changed, not happened....seems like nothing was ever what it started out to be.
And what would make that dangerous, you ask? Well, for a suicide survivor, danger is always there. Because we make the conscious decision to stay in this world and find out what happens in a given situation, or not. Every day, all the time! That's just how it is, at least how its been for me.
I think back to the first part of this year, when I was surrounded by my 'kids' and trying to figure out what I should do with my life....watching each of them, in turn, make life-altering decisions....while I felt stuck with a life I didn't want....a marriage I couldn't fit into anymore....a project (the farm and the idea of farming as a way of living) I didn't really start or finish, yet worked my ass off to keep going until I couldn't see the point any longer....friends that I could and couldn't count on....a love that I tried my best to let go of and found out that this was just not something I could stand to live without....and on and on....
I know that it was a year of feeling so damned defeated over and over again. There were many dark times. Yet it was also a year of finding myself, figuring out why I didn't die, what the Universe really had in store for me, and realizing that I had the power and the choice to do and be who I am....and the right to live the life I wanted for myself, as opposed to staying in a stagnant pretense of a marriage, doing work that I didn't want to do, etc.
In the end, I have found peace and joy. I see hope on the horizon and feel it in my heart. I have journeyed internally and externally along my true path, and lived to tell about it. I have faced demons literally and metaphorically and come through a stronger, more confident person. I have had relationships fall away and relationships be renewed and rebuilt.
I am happy. Tomorrow could bring anything, but it won't change the fact that I'm happy. I realize that being happy is really what makes life worth living. I also realize that it can be a very unpopular thing....there are many people that thrive on other people's unhappiness....that don't know how to be happy for someone, even someone they care deeply about, when that someone has taken that leap of faith and found happiness and peace. Maybe they are afraid to do it for themselves and so they don't really like to see someone else find what they can't seem to, no matter how hard they try. I can't say...I am not that kind of person.
But I have seen, and really paid attention to it this year, that there are so many unhappy people....looking for answers but unable to find what they seek. They are living dangerously, I think. I realize that there are so many who are on the brink of depression, or already there, and who may decide that life is no longer worth living. Dangerous....at least from where I sit. Maybe because I've been there, even as recently as a month ago or so, and I know exactly how it can turn from feeling bad to just being ready to give up. I feel lucky, believe it or not, that I have lived and died and lived again, and that I know the signs, have the red flags in place, recognize the beginnings of dissociation from what is, and can steer myself through the darkness that comes unbidden until I find something positive to grasp to get me back into the light.
Has this been a year of living dangerously? Absolutely....and it seems that it has been this way for pretty much everyone that I know....in some way or another. This year's instability, for lack of a better description, has put many people in situations that may have been over their head....because everything seems to have been magnified; and every change, of which their were many, was a BIG one. It has not been a subtle year, that's for sure.
I'm hopeful that we have all gotten through 2014 fairly unscathed. I think many people will carry the scars from such a volatile succession of changes, and I hope that as they look at those scars they will be reminded of the fortitude that they found within themselves to deal with such volatility and uncertainty as we have all gone through in these past 12 months. I hope that we can see that we are all stronger and better for what we've endured, and that the changes to our lives have been necessary if we are to survive in this crazy world. Sometimes living dangerously is just the way it is....and its better than not living, literally or metaphorically....living through 'dangerous' times may seem dire at the time; but as I look back, I can see that the changes and choices and chances which seemed so dangerous and scary and sometimes downright impossible have all ended up okay, and have left me with scars that I can look at and smile at, and be glad that I experienced the 'danger', because I also experienced the 'living', and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
I hope this year's end brings peace to you, as it has to me....and that you can see the gifts, the good parts, and take those forward into the year ahead....namaste....
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
So This is Christmas....
Its hard to believe that its Christmas again....and for many of us, its not a time of great joy and fond memories. I know that I am having a particularly difficult time staying out of the pit of depression, so I imagine that many of you are feeling likewise. Don't panic! Its quite normal....even regular people get depressed during the holidays. And why not? After all, it is driven by the need to find perfect presents and have perfect experiences.
I have had so many less-than-perfect holiday experiences that I shun the idea of even attempting 'jolly' and other things synonymous with this time of year. I am happy just to not be crying or completely enveloped in darkness. I was definitely headed there earlier this month, as recently as last week; and then I remembered that I have every right to feel the way I do about the 'holidays', and that I also have every right to medicate myself properly, so that I can get through these coming days.
I look back on the holiday season of 2010, the one before my suicide. Well, I can't honestly say that I 'look back' because I don't remember much about it....apparently I was already dissociated from everything and everyone and spent most of the time in a drunken stupor, depressed and sad and tearful and seeing that I didn't want any part of the holidays, which had become nothing more to me than a season of one disappointing thing after another. So I chose to stay as anesthetized as I could. And, because I was a pro at dissociation, I had no trouble convincing most of the people around me that I was just fine, just partying, just going through the motions laid down by our family's traditions....and those who saw through my ruse and attempted to help me found that there was no way to do that. I think I was already too far gone, and even I didn't know it yet.
Here I am, and its 2014....I have had a helluva year, for sure....just by virtue of the fact that I've relocated my life 1800 miles from family and friends, started a new relationship with the one person in the world that I truly trust completely, 'adopted' a teenage daughter, and spent every last penny that I had to my name to get here and take this chance on a new beginning. It is still terrifying, to say the least.
Yes, I've been depressed. I have been unavailable. I have dragged my sad ass out of the stupor and made myself take my meds and try to at least be HERE. I know that being HERE is the antidote for dissociating. So I am working hard to stay HERE.
There is so much positive that is taking place: we have our new home, and it feels good!! I have set up my new studio space, and also my desk with computer for writing and blogging and helping my partner with our business. We have our own room, and Jay has her own room, and we have a positive outlook for the coming year as far as our businesses go.
I know that when someone is depressed, they don't see the positive in anything...or if they do they just don't care enough to allow it to lift them up. Depression is a truly harsh mistress...she will suck every last bit of energy and motivation out of the strongest among us. So I address this post to all of you who find yourselves depressed or getting depressed or thinking of the dreaded 'S'! I know that this time of year brings on more suicides and attempted suicides than any other.
I want you to know that you aren't alone. If you have no one else, please, feel free to contact me via email or through the blog's comment section. I will be here. I am always available to anyone who needs to know that they're not alone, or to anyone who is heavy-hearted due to having lost someone to suicide and just need to talk to someone who can understand. I can be that person. I have been that person for many people. It is my job to be that person for you, whoever you are, whatever your situation. So PLEASE don't be standoffish or afraid...I'm here....and of course, there are local organizations that you can contact, places you can go....but sometimes that is just too much....because when you get truly depressed, it takes too much effort to do most everything.
I AM HERE!!!! And I want you to know that I am more than happy to just listen....no judgements, no advice (unless you want it), no hassle....I just have big ears and big shoulders and I am not afraid to hear your story, ease your burden, just be there for you. I AM HERE!
I will be blogging more frequently now that I have a computer. I will be checking for correspondence....
I hope you have a good Christmas Eve....I am going to make something and play my guitar and do a little cleaning and just try to keep myself occupied with the day-t0-day so that I can stay HERE. I will be back tomorrow and I will be checking periodically throughout the day and night....and you can email me at sheynascv@gmail.com or text me at 720-526-1306 if you need to reach out...I AM HERE!!!!
Much love and hope and healing to you today.....
I have had so many less-than-perfect holiday experiences that I shun the idea of even attempting 'jolly' and other things synonymous with this time of year. I am happy just to not be crying or completely enveloped in darkness. I was definitely headed there earlier this month, as recently as last week; and then I remembered that I have every right to feel the way I do about the 'holidays', and that I also have every right to medicate myself properly, so that I can get through these coming days.
I look back on the holiday season of 2010, the one before my suicide. Well, I can't honestly say that I 'look back' because I don't remember much about it....apparently I was already dissociated from everything and everyone and spent most of the time in a drunken stupor, depressed and sad and tearful and seeing that I didn't want any part of the holidays, which had become nothing more to me than a season of one disappointing thing after another. So I chose to stay as anesthetized as I could. And, because I was a pro at dissociation, I had no trouble convincing most of the people around me that I was just fine, just partying, just going through the motions laid down by our family's traditions....and those who saw through my ruse and attempted to help me found that there was no way to do that. I think I was already too far gone, and even I didn't know it yet.
Here I am, and its 2014....I have had a helluva year, for sure....just by virtue of the fact that I've relocated my life 1800 miles from family and friends, started a new relationship with the one person in the world that I truly trust completely, 'adopted' a teenage daughter, and spent every last penny that I had to my name to get here and take this chance on a new beginning. It is still terrifying, to say the least.
Yes, I've been depressed. I have been unavailable. I have dragged my sad ass out of the stupor and made myself take my meds and try to at least be HERE. I know that being HERE is the antidote for dissociating. So I am working hard to stay HERE.
There is so much positive that is taking place: we have our new home, and it feels good!! I have set up my new studio space, and also my desk with computer for writing and blogging and helping my partner with our business. We have our own room, and Jay has her own room, and we have a positive outlook for the coming year as far as our businesses go.
I know that when someone is depressed, they don't see the positive in anything...or if they do they just don't care enough to allow it to lift them up. Depression is a truly harsh mistress...she will suck every last bit of energy and motivation out of the strongest among us. So I address this post to all of you who find yourselves depressed or getting depressed or thinking of the dreaded 'S'! I know that this time of year brings on more suicides and attempted suicides than any other.
I want you to know that you aren't alone. If you have no one else, please, feel free to contact me via email or through the blog's comment section. I will be here. I am always available to anyone who needs to know that they're not alone, or to anyone who is heavy-hearted due to having lost someone to suicide and just need to talk to someone who can understand. I can be that person. I have been that person for many people. It is my job to be that person for you, whoever you are, whatever your situation. So PLEASE don't be standoffish or afraid...I'm here....and of course, there are local organizations that you can contact, places you can go....but sometimes that is just too much....because when you get truly depressed, it takes too much effort to do most everything.
I AM HERE!!!! And I want you to know that I am more than happy to just listen....no judgements, no advice (unless you want it), no hassle....I just have big ears and big shoulders and I am not afraid to hear your story, ease your burden, just be there for you. I AM HERE!
I will be blogging more frequently now that I have a computer. I will be checking for correspondence....
I hope you have a good Christmas Eve....I am going to make something and play my guitar and do a little cleaning and just try to keep myself occupied with the day-t0-day so that I can stay HERE. I will be back tomorrow and I will be checking periodically throughout the day and night....and you can email me at sheynascv@gmail.com or text me at 720-526-1306 if you need to reach out...I AM HERE!!!!
Much love and hope and healing to you today.....
Friday, December 5, 2014
Miracles Abound...
It has taken me a few days to get back to writing. So much has come to pass and is still in the offing that its hard to put things down into words, for fear that it will somehow 'jinx' something...but no, I will keep the faith, the trust, the positivity.
Facing the idea of being thrown out of our 'home', a basement, really got me freaked out to the point of finally just giving up and giving in and putting myself into the hands of my love and of the Universe. There was certainly no wind left in my sails.
Having to make a decision....to leave this state and return to NC...to take a heartbroken freshman out of high school mid-year....seemed like the only answer for us, as we could find nothing to rent in this town. Nothing...
Enter the miracles....
A house that a neighbor's family owns and is being vacated as I type....what will be our new and first real home together as a newly formed family....was dropped into our laps about five minutes before we were going to reserve a u-haul trailer for the journey eastward. Our limited budget and urgent time constraint seemed something that would make this house impossible, too...so we waited....and as it turned out, every single thing came together and unless something unthinkable happens, we'll be in our new home this time next week.
A surprise phone call from someone who was wanting to help us monetarily...a few minutes before we were set to call him.
A reprieve from our 'landlord' from being evicted and being forced to seek shelter during the interim between the end of November and the move-in date to our new place.
I have always believed in miracles....have seen so many things that can't be explained....and I can't express enough gratitude for the angels that have come to our rescue and for the Universe's generosity.
I know that it is a miracle in itself that I'm alive and undamaged from the big "S" in 2011. I know that I had heavy karmic dues to pay, and pay I have, for taking my own life and hurting so many people. I also know that I have a job to do out in the world. I have books to write that will hopefully help a lot of people. I have good deeds to do, people to help, projects to finish, and as many other ways as I can come up with to fight the good fight in this world that I was not meant to leave.
Right now, every day is a miracle to me....every moment a precious reminder that life is what you make it, no matter your surroundings or situation. I realize more than ever that I have purpose; that I count. And I hold my breath that nothing will fall through....that we will have our home soon....and I can get busy with life again instead of feeling like I'm just existing.
Many people spent the month of November giving thanks for something each day. I had to work hard to find those 'somethings', as all people do when things in their lives become too dire, too stressful, too seemingly impossible. But I have kept my gratitude, my appreciation, my hope....and I will continue to be grateful every day and to try and do something good, meaningful, special...even if it seems mundane and negligible....because I know that no act of goodness or kindness is lost on the world.
My point today....miracles exist....the Universe does listen....so please, pay attention.....be willing to be humble, and grateful, for even the smallest things. Just as each of us is significant, each little thing we do, we give, we receive....is significant as well.
So I am carefully sharing my miracles with you....so that, in case you weren't aware, you can see that miracles do happen, and that they can happen to anyone. I think the key is gratitude....for all that you have and all that you don't have....be grateful....be humble....be happy!
Facing the idea of being thrown out of our 'home', a basement, really got me freaked out to the point of finally just giving up and giving in and putting myself into the hands of my love and of the Universe. There was certainly no wind left in my sails.
Having to make a decision....to leave this state and return to NC...to take a heartbroken freshman out of high school mid-year....seemed like the only answer for us, as we could find nothing to rent in this town. Nothing...
Enter the miracles....
A house that a neighbor's family owns and is being vacated as I type....what will be our new and first real home together as a newly formed family....was dropped into our laps about five minutes before we were going to reserve a u-haul trailer for the journey eastward. Our limited budget and urgent time constraint seemed something that would make this house impossible, too...so we waited....and as it turned out, every single thing came together and unless something unthinkable happens, we'll be in our new home this time next week.
A surprise phone call from someone who was wanting to help us monetarily...a few minutes before we were set to call him.
A reprieve from our 'landlord' from being evicted and being forced to seek shelter during the interim between the end of November and the move-in date to our new place.
I have always believed in miracles....have seen so many things that can't be explained....and I can't express enough gratitude for the angels that have come to our rescue and for the Universe's generosity.
I know that it is a miracle in itself that I'm alive and undamaged from the big "S" in 2011. I know that I had heavy karmic dues to pay, and pay I have, for taking my own life and hurting so many people. I also know that I have a job to do out in the world. I have books to write that will hopefully help a lot of people. I have good deeds to do, people to help, projects to finish, and as many other ways as I can come up with to fight the good fight in this world that I was not meant to leave.
Right now, every day is a miracle to me....every moment a precious reminder that life is what you make it, no matter your surroundings or situation. I realize more than ever that I have purpose; that I count. And I hold my breath that nothing will fall through....that we will have our home soon....and I can get busy with life again instead of feeling like I'm just existing.
Many people spent the month of November giving thanks for something each day. I had to work hard to find those 'somethings', as all people do when things in their lives become too dire, too stressful, too seemingly impossible. But I have kept my gratitude, my appreciation, my hope....and I will continue to be grateful every day and to try and do something good, meaningful, special...even if it seems mundane and negligible....because I know that no act of goodness or kindness is lost on the world.
My point today....miracles exist....the Universe does listen....so please, pay attention.....be willing to be humble, and grateful, for even the smallest things. Just as each of us is significant, each little thing we do, we give, we receive....is significant as well.
So I am carefully sharing my miracles with you....so that, in case you weren't aware, you can see that miracles do happen, and that they can happen to anyone. I think the key is gratitude....for all that you have and all that you don't have....be grateful....be humble....be happy!
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
You Gotta Have Faith. ..
Life is rolling along. ...The road is a bit bumpy at the moment. ...we are trying to find a new place to live and this has proven to be an incredibly daunting task. But we are doing our best to keep our spirits up and not lose hope. ..to continue to be positive in a very negative environment. Hard stuff. ...
I still want to stress that gratitude is the most important part of keeping positive energy flowing. ..In the face of so much negativity. ..so many roadblocks. ...being grateful for what you already have. ...even if it is next to nothing. ..you have yourself, and you have people that care about you. ...and you have your faith. ..whether it be religious faith, faith in the universe, faith in yourself and your loved ones. ...faith period!
During this rough patch on my path I have had to come to terms with my inner self. ...The 'S' box, for example. ...and my fear of trusting someone besides myself. I have had to allow myself to put my faith and trust in the man I love. ...and he's a really good man and we have a monumental love. ..yet it wasn't easy for me to just put my faith in him....not his fault. ...just my issue (can't imagine where that comes from. ...lol!)
I will say that it takes a whole lot of realizing the Buddhist concept that there is no ground under our feet. ...no safety net....that we have to trust in the here and now and that the universe will see to guiding us on this seemingly pathless path toward what is best....a BIG chunk of trust. So I have had to practice this concept. ....and it is not easy. Also the concept of non-doing. .. .as mostly all I can do is wait, and put out all the positive energy that I can muster that everything will work out and be "okay"....
Starting a new life is full of roadblocks, detours, and surprises. ...but, if its where you want to be, then you figure out how to handle the inevitable chaos. ...and you keep the faith!
I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving.....namaste!
During this rough patch on my path I have had to come to terms with my inner self. ...The 'S' box, for example. ...and my fear of trusting someone besides myself. I have had to allow myself to put my faith and trust in the man I love. ...and he's a really good man and we have a monumental love. ..yet it wasn't easy for me to just put my faith in him....not his fault. ...just my issue (can't imagine where that comes from. ...lol!)
I will say that it takes a whole lot of realizing the Buddhist concept that there is no ground under our feet. ...no safety net....that we have to trust in the here and now and that the universe will see to guiding us on this seemingly pathless path toward what is best....a BIG chunk of trust. So I have had to practice this concept. ....and it is not easy. Also the concept of non-doing. .. .as mostly all I can do is wait, and put out all the positive energy that I can muster that everything will work out and be "okay"....
Starting a new life is full of roadblocks, detours, and surprises. ...but, if its where you want to be, then you figure out how to handle the inevitable chaos. ...and you keep the faith!
I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving.....namaste!
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Thanks, Dear Friend!
And its a new day....another opportunity to take things out and look at them and appreciate all of the gifts and blessings of this life.
Its funny, but even as I sit here, not knowing where I'll be sitting a couple of weeks from now, I am grateful. I can feel nothing but gratitude to the Universe for being given this chance to live my life. I am no cheerleader; anyone who knows me would probably question that, as I cheer regularly for those who can't, and send love and healing to those who need it, even when I don't know what my circumstances could be tomorrow. But I know that the only answer ever to any problem is love and gratitude for what I already have.
As I stated yesterday in my blog post, I know that the "S" box is there....maybe it will always be there...not as a possible solution, but as a gentle reminder of how effed up things can become and how twisted the mind can make things if one isn't aware of oneself. So I choose to stay "alert and grateful", as a dear, dear friend of mind reminded me yesterday.
I am blessed to have several friends that I have known most of my life. I don't see any of them often and don't hear from most of them on a regular basis. I am grateful, though, that one of my oldest and dearest and closest friends is now a couple of thousand miles closer to me, and we have begun to rekindle our sisterhood. Last night we messaged a while and then ended up talking on the phone. It was great to be reminded of the fact that we survived our childhoods. We had very different ones, yet we were bound by the things we knew about each other; not just what we could express to each other at the time....the things we silently observed about each other's lives; and now we can discuss those things that we were forbidden to say as children. I appreciate this friendship...it lifts me up in a way that can't really be put into words....the intimacy that most people never experience....because most childhood friendships fall away. Most people don't want to be reminded of their pasts and their roots and the way their childhood shaped them into who they are today.
But the thing is, we can't truly grow up and go forward until we can reconcile the past, forgive those who hurt us, whether knowingly or cluelessly, and move on. So, being able to have someone that I can actually talk with and examine events or situations and gain perspective...its just priceless. I know she feels the same way. We give so much to each other...so much insight into why we are the way we are, what we learned from each other and the other people in our lives...I could go on and on....but the point is, it is a huge gift to have a friend like I do. It was very healing for me to spend time talking with her last night. I needed it, too! And I know it was the same for her....that we are a blessing for each other now, whereas there was a time when our relationship ran one-way, as many of my old relationships seemed to go. And as we were talking, she clued me in on the fact that I was 'that person' for her, and for my mother, and for my husband, and probably for others, too....'that person' that somehow they 'had to be' attached to.....which made me come to realize that all of that fucked up codependence that was laid on me until it broke me....it was thought of as some important gift that I 'gave'....even as it ate me alive. Wow! What a revelation!
Now I am no longer a receptacle for that kind of energy....even though I know so much about so many people and I am a voluntary beacon for the Universe ....I know how I can help people and how I can un-damage them.....I also know how to help people and be there for them while at the same time being able to shield myself from any negativity or misdirected ills. I guess somehow the Universe found a way to show me how to use all of that 'training' from my first life...to morph it into the energy that I put out into the world now....and I am grateful for the reminder that without those unpleasant, destructive relationships I wouldn't be who I am now...and I wouldn't know how to do my job the right way and with the right intention, which is everything....
There are so many opportunities for gratitude....and so many surprises in that we can take something that was once a burden and may have killed us and turn it into something to be grateful for and to use as 'experience' as we traverse our lives, our paths....appreciate every little thing....for there's a lesson in there somewhere to be mined when the time is right....maybe because a good friend reminds you that the worst parts of 'where you came from' can become the best parts of who you grow up to be....
I'll close with a quote I saw this morning on Facebook....an affirmation: "I love the person I've become because I fought to become her." Yeah......namaste....
Its funny, but even as I sit here, not knowing where I'll be sitting a couple of weeks from now, I am grateful. I can feel nothing but gratitude to the Universe for being given this chance to live my life. I am no cheerleader; anyone who knows me would probably question that, as I cheer regularly for those who can't, and send love and healing to those who need it, even when I don't know what my circumstances could be tomorrow. But I know that the only answer ever to any problem is love and gratitude for what I already have.
As I stated yesterday in my blog post, I know that the "S" box is there....maybe it will always be there...not as a possible solution, but as a gentle reminder of how effed up things can become and how twisted the mind can make things if one isn't aware of oneself. So I choose to stay "alert and grateful", as a dear, dear friend of mind reminded me yesterday.
I am blessed to have several friends that I have known most of my life. I don't see any of them often and don't hear from most of them on a regular basis. I am grateful, though, that one of my oldest and dearest and closest friends is now a couple of thousand miles closer to me, and we have begun to rekindle our sisterhood. Last night we messaged a while and then ended up talking on the phone. It was great to be reminded of the fact that we survived our childhoods. We had very different ones, yet we were bound by the things we knew about each other; not just what we could express to each other at the time....the things we silently observed about each other's lives; and now we can discuss those things that we were forbidden to say as children. I appreciate this friendship...it lifts me up in a way that can't really be put into words....the intimacy that most people never experience....because most childhood friendships fall away. Most people don't want to be reminded of their pasts and their roots and the way their childhood shaped them into who they are today.
But the thing is, we can't truly grow up and go forward until we can reconcile the past, forgive those who hurt us, whether knowingly or cluelessly, and move on. So, being able to have someone that I can actually talk with and examine events or situations and gain perspective...its just priceless. I know she feels the same way. We give so much to each other...so much insight into why we are the way we are, what we learned from each other and the other people in our lives...I could go on and on....but the point is, it is a huge gift to have a friend like I do. It was very healing for me to spend time talking with her last night. I needed it, too! And I know it was the same for her....that we are a blessing for each other now, whereas there was a time when our relationship ran one-way, as many of my old relationships seemed to go. And as we were talking, she clued me in on the fact that I was 'that person' for her, and for my mother, and for my husband, and probably for others, too....'that person' that somehow they 'had to be' attached to.....which made me come to realize that all of that fucked up codependence that was laid on me until it broke me....it was thought of as some important gift that I 'gave'....even as it ate me alive. Wow! What a revelation!
Now I am no longer a receptacle for that kind of energy....even though I know so much about so many people and I am a voluntary beacon for the Universe ....I know how I can help people and how I can un-damage them.....I also know how to help people and be there for them while at the same time being able to shield myself from any negativity or misdirected ills. I guess somehow the Universe found a way to show me how to use all of that 'training' from my first life...to morph it into the energy that I put out into the world now....and I am grateful for the reminder that without those unpleasant, destructive relationships I wouldn't be who I am now...and I wouldn't know how to do my job the right way and with the right intention, which is everything....
There are so many opportunities for gratitude....and so many surprises in that we can take something that was once a burden and may have killed us and turn it into something to be grateful for and to use as 'experience' as we traverse our lives, our paths....appreciate every little thing....for there's a lesson in there somewhere to be mined when the time is right....maybe because a good friend reminds you that the worst parts of 'where you came from' can become the best parts of who you grow up to be....
I'll close with a quote I saw this morning on Facebook....an affirmation: "I love the person I've become because I fought to become her." Yeah......namaste....
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
The "S" Box
Well, I guess it must seem like I have fallen off the earth again...nothing could be farther from the truth...geographically, at least. I have relocated to Colorado, near the mile-high city of Denver. It is beautiful here, with the mountains always within view, even though they're really about 45 minutes away. I have been here for two months now. I have been stuck in a very unproductive and uncreative environment...it takes all of my gifts just to stay positive and be able to focus on sending love and healing to those who need such from me.
To say that starting over with a new life, a new partner and family, in a foreign place with foreign people, is just the least bit daunting would be an understatement.
But I am doing my best to stay on the bright side and I realize that my lessons here are about trust and patience and faith and how true love fits into all of my lessons....maybe to the point of complicating everything. I don't think that its a negative complication, just that it is so different to have in my life as something that I consider when thinking of other things. It was easier by far to consider a reality of myself in a tiny house or camper, alone, doing my work and living a simple and peaceful life on my own. Making the commitment to be with someone else changes all of that. Making the commitment to be a part of a young person's life, one who needs and wants me in her life, changes all of that, too. I might otherwise have already given up. But I don't feel like I've given this life a chance and want to find out what it would be like to have this life under more peaceful living conditions....a home of our own.
It seems like I have spent so much of the past couple of years being more of a transient being....physically, environmentally, and spiritually. I thought I was doing well with my spiritual path, but at the moment it is hard for me to devote enough of myself to my spiritual life. I hope that will improve once we have our own space and I can have the privacy and space to study and to meditate, to connect better with the Universe that I look to for guidance and support and love and understanding.
Right now, I just feel such a need to keep my concentration on manifesting the energy to see things through...find a home for us, get started on my books, be able to make art, help with the business and become a partner to my dear one. And so that is where my focus lies at the moment. I am forced to have faith and trust in another person for my needs. This isn't easy for me, but I trust this man more than any other person I've ever known, much less loved.....and so I am trying very hard to keep that as an open channel in my heart and soul. It really isn't easy....not for someone like me.
I have found that throughout my time here, I have had to deal with many fears of many kinds....not the least of which is that after all of this time and everything I've been through, the good old "S" has come back to rear its ugly head on a regular basis. I know this is my ultimate 'way out'....for me it is always going to be there. I hate it, and I make myself examine the idea that its still such a part of me, especially when I reach a certain level of despair and hopelessness. My fears come with their own tagline: 'you can always leave this world'....I honestly thought and/or hoped that I had gotten past the idea that I can always just end things if necessary. But its there....a little reminder that if it turns out that this world just isn't for me, after all of the work and energy that I have put in to knowing otherwise, I can make a graceful and swift exit. And this is so fucking scary....that I still feel this way! I guess the truth is that for me, and maybe for all of us that have tried and failed to leave this life, we will always know that it is just another viable solution...a special path that we can't forget about as an option....whether it be to escape the mundane things or to release ourselves from things that we don't want to or can't bear to face.....for me: poverty, homelessness, hunger, pain.
Is there a moral to this post? Probably - probably simply that it never goes away, does it? Its always an option somewhere in each of our minds, that pops up unbidden to see if we are perhaps interested in revisiting such horror....
I hope that some day I can truly say that it never, ever crosses my mind, no matter how bad or dire or sad or hopeless things become. But unfortunately I am not there. I want to be there, I really do, but I have to be honest with myself and with you, dear readers, that it lurks somewhere in my psyche and is rarely not included as a possibility in times of trouble.
The good news is that I am able to take out my fears and feelings and 'hold' them in my hands and examine them, searching and conversing with the Universe about the true meaning of my feelings. I can take out the "S" box and open it and look at all my tools of destruction and what I could do with them....I can imagine myself exiting this world once and for all...I can decide that I don't want to, that I want to stick it out, to build a happy and peaceful life with my partner. That I can trust him and put my faith in him and in myself and see this through. It seems that I do this often right now......purely circumstancial, I know, given the current situation. I ask the Universe for strength and love and patience and faith many times a day. I ask the Universe for understanding and the ability to be understanding with others. I ask the Universe for any help and guidance it can give me in how to manifest whatever it takes to lead obtaining a home and being able to make it a home of love and peace and joy and creativity and giving. I am trying very, very hard!! I want a simple life, a happy life, with my new partner. I don't ask for more....other than to somehow be able to release the negativity of feeling like a burden and the fear that I have made a mistake by trying to be happy....the negative feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing.
I don't know if I am again paying some karmic dues, or if I'm caught in the crossfire of other people in the process of paying theirs. Perhaps its all in my mind. I am hanging in there as hard as I can, though....I'm not ready to give up and lose my chance at being whole and happy. I am just having a terribly hard time dealing with this part of my journey....I guess the key here is that I recognize all of my feelings for exactly what they are and I know I have the power to deal with them. I just wonder if things ever become less difficult, less onerous. I don't know....but I'm here...hopefully soon I'll be in the home I envision and can start living again instead of treading water in someone else's murk.
I only ask, dear readers, that you send me any positive energy and support that you might have to spare right now. I truly appreciate it with all of my heart. I'll be back to posting regularly now and I will share some more positive stories and insights. Today I just feel the need to be blunt and humble and ask for all the goodness that can be manifested....thanks so much....namaste!
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