There Is No Cure

I've been 'gone' for a while, I know.  I have had so many feelings and life events and just stuff to deal with, rectify, get through, that I haven't known what to write.  I have had the opportunity to help people, at least I think I've helped them, through such avenues as Facebook private groups for suicide attempt survivors and borderline personality disorder.  I've talked to people that were on the edge of suicide, yet were reaching out for someone to tell them that they didn't have to go through with it, that they were worthy of having a life. It has given me a lot of perspective, and also made me realize that this never will be over. 
I believe that once you've gone through the process of preparing to kill yourself one time, suicide becomes a viable option for many of life's unpleasant situations.  This is something that those folks who would never consider suicide, and think it is morally wrong, would be able to understand.  There's no easy way to explain it to them.  But I have tried.  We have to keep trying, don't we? Surely we'll get through to someone at some point.  Well, maybe so, and maybe not.
Here's the thing....all the people that were participants in your suicide attempt....family members and close friends....will always be on guard, even though you can't see it.  They will forever be cautious about what they say around and to you.  They will always be vigilant in watching you for signs that you might do it again.  Why?  Because they think that they blinked, and they came very close to losing you forever.  They missed some sign, some innuendo, something, that they should have noticed and taken seriously and they would have kept you from even trying to leave this world. They don't or can't understand that they probably had nothing to do with your wish to end your life.

There is this gap, I think, between us and them.  This gap is what separates people that have the capacity to kill themselves and people that not only don't have the capacity, but would never consider taking their own life.  It will never even come up as an option for them, when faced with some seemingly insurmountable obstacle.  This is the primary reason that they can't understand why you would do such a thing under any circumstances.  It is not in their genes or upbringing or personality or whatever.  
It's funny in a way, too.  I look at people that are living in abject poverty, are permanently, chronically ill, terminally ill, are completely alone and friendless....yet, they will live in an alley in a cardboard box, eat out of garbage bins, prostitute themselves.....whereas I would much rather leave this world than have such an existence.  I find it hard enough sometimes to stay among the living when I have an abundance of hope; I know I wouldn't bother if I thought that hope had left the building.
My conclusion: there is no cure for us.  We will always be different.  We will never be fully trusted, even by our own selves.  We will always see suicide as a perfectly acceptable option in times of trouble.  
So, most importantly, we must keep tabs on ourselves.  Check in and make sure we haven't started dissociating, for that is the reddest of the red flags.  I wish I could say that days and weeks go by and I don't think about any of this, but I know it is forever a part of me.  I find myself treading on thin ice often.  I have been lucky so far, mostly due to my own hyper-vigilance about my red flags.  I know that nobody else can do this for me.  I work hard to find reasons to want to live, to plan for future endeavors, to persevere in this insanely fucked up world.  I don't look for a cure, or even a bandaid.  I find something to look forward to in each tomorrow, even when there are parts of me that are trying to lure me to the other side.  And I allow myself some hopelessness.  Because hopelessness is a part of today's reality.  It doesn't take much looking around to see that.  Rising above it, without ignoring it, takes a good deal of effort.  
I am getting ready to start back into therapy, after a hiatus of two years.  I dread it as much as I crave it.  I will let you know how it goes.  I wish I could just type up a resume' regarding my sanity, instead of having to tell my story to a new therapist, and yet again to a new psychiatrist.  A resume' would be a whole lot simpler.  But none of this has ever been simple, has it now?

The Value of a Life

I am so sad.  I look at this beautiful world of ours, and wonder what, if anything, will be left of it when my children are my age.  I look at the disgraceful actions of people against other people, spurred on by the media and the government here in the United States. 'United' doesn't seem to fit into the name of our country anymore.  Maybe the Disunited States, or the  Untied States, or something else that is more fitting; does that make more sense?
I spent a lot of time in my first life being victimized for my lack of prejudice.  No, I  don't mean that I was colorblind.  I just liked people based on who they were;  not once considering skin color, sexuality, age, socioeconomic status, or any other divisive reasoning.  I know that this attitude is really a part of me, because I feel even more strongly about it in my second life. 
There is so much hatred in the  atmosphere now; it hangs in the  air like the stifling July humidity.
It is pervasive, and makes me take pause when considering something as mundane as going to the grocery store.  Never have I felt so unprotected, and I shudder to think of how it must feel to be Muslim, or African-American, or a police officer's spouse.  I want to hear some good news for a change.  Surely there is some good news! 
Well, I have to go out and get those groceries.  I have to face the fact that going anywhere is basically risking life and death.  I don't want to feel this way, but I am not going to lie about it, either.  No one is safe now.  Not even the pretense of feeling safe is available.  It is sad....not just for me, but for everyone and everything. 
I'm kinda mad, too.  I took my own life to escape from being a victim, only to scratch and fight for 5 years to become grown and whole and happy.  Now I am faced with the reality that we are all potential victims.  And that the person in line in front or behind or beside me at the store or restaurant or gas station or movie might go over the edge and cause us to become the next headline or leading news story..... another tragedy in this seemingly endless outbreak of hate.
I will go, and I will smile and look people in the eye, and maybe I will be lucky enough to witness an act of kindness instead.  That is all one can hope for, I guess.
I bid you peace and joy and love.

Five Years Later...

Sorry for being so remiss with this blog.  I have much to tell, but not the time to tell it at the present. 
I do, however, want to acknowledge that this past weekend marked my fifth re-birthday and, while it has been a very introspective and at the same time expansive experience these last few weeks, I feel really good about life.
I recognize the growth that I've experienced and how my life has become more and more open and full of love.  I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, with exactly who I'm supposed to be sharing this crucial time in my re-growing up.  
I will be back with much more to tell, but for the present, I have work to do....
Thanks for your understanding....you know how to reach me.

Unpacking Again. ...

I have been struggling with what to write, which is why I haven't posted anything.  I know that my life is going through a host of changes again. I guess I am trying to keep myself grounded and stay uplifted, seeing the changes as positive, regardless of how difficult they will be. 
I have finally taken steps to reach out to other suicide attempt survivors, and it has been enlightening and comforting for me during these difficult times.  I have also been exploring the writing community online, and finding encouragement and kinship there as well. 
I'm currently spending time with my mom. ...we have so much to say to each other. ...its not easy but it is healing.  I am hoping that she will get to the place where she can help me with my #2 book....the one for the family and friends of suicide attempt survivors.  But it will have to be in her own time, as she is reluctant (and I don't blame her!) to have to revisit and analyze what happened to her in the aftermath of my attempt.  Its okay. ...I have lots of things to work on,  and I have infinite patience as far as waiting for her to feel up to the task.  She thinks I should let it go and move on. ...and I have had to explain that I have moved on. ...it is that I feel I survived so that I could use what I have been through to help others like myself, and also to help the families and friends understand.
I guess it is hard for others to understand that I am willing to go back and revisit so many painful times and memories, but I feel its the only way for me to make these books happen.  Probably why it has taken me this long to actually begin. ...sifting through my pain and other people's pain and coming out with positive messages. ....this shit is no fun. 
I know that I have been called to do it. ...I know I have the strength and support. ...and now that I have cleared up more of the negative forces and put myself in a safer environment, I think I am ready to begin. ...as soon as I can get unpacked....again.    

I Know Too Much Now

I know....a strange title.  Well, its been a long month....where to begin?
I had been waiting for two and a half years for my disability hearing, which finally took place in July.  Then I had to wait two months to find out that my claim had been denied. .. again!  I had really believed that this was going to be the end of this and that my claim would be approved and I could actually have something of my own.   I've been struggling. ...hard....financially and personally.  I was ready to have an income that would allow me to have my own tiny house and not have to depend on the kindness and good graces of other people in order to exist....otherwise I would be homeless.  
So, bottom line is that when my claim was denied,  I spiraled VERY QUICKLY into a deep depression.   I didn't think I was going to make it through this....and didn't think I wanted to. ...saw no reason to go on.  I started planning my suicide. ...I did!  I counted out my meds and figured out how and where and when.  But something was different.  I could feel myself dissociating, and I could stop it....or not.  I know too much now. ...I know what it would do to my friends and family....because if I had decided to go through with it. ....I would not fail again.  I know too much now....like how I screwed up the other time because I didn't go to a hotel instead of staying home.  Given the fact that it was a matter of a couple of minutes between my being able to be brought back and my leaving this world for good....all because I was at home instead of an undisclosed location.
So I guess what saved me was knowing too much.  That and the love and faith of my beloved and my mom.  And also, I gave myself over to the depression. ...on purpose. ...I cried, and walked miles and miles of beach, and I cried, and let my beloved hold me and be my rock.  I cried. ...over and over again.
Then I started to feel like I could have a life. . .make a life ....get back to what was important to me and hopefully save some lives. I have these books to write. ...I have many things to create....I have a family who loves me. ...friends who love me like family. ...I am blessed. ....not cursed.  I will get through this and be better for it. 
So I am "coming out"....to the world. ...as a suicide attempt survivor.   I have joined groups of people like myself.  I am also getting involved in the artisan community online and on a local level.  I have plenty to live for. ...even if it is still financially hard right now. .. it will get better! 
I will survive!  I have begun the books now. .. still hoping to have some of my readers share their stories... and I will see what this all morphs into. ...hopefully I'll be hosting small retreats by next year.  I'll also be vending at a couple of local markets starting in the spring. ...goodkharmarethreads is morphing, too, and I can see art becoming therapy and profits going towards helping others.  
I guess I really can see a future. ...created by myself. ...without fear. ...because its why I didn't die the first time.  I am not finished yet.
I still need your help. ...input. ...stories. ...advice. ...support!
Don't be afraid. ...it will all be confidential!
I must go have dinner. ...have a fine night and stay in the arms of peace.

Where I've Been. ...and I Could Use Your Help

I know. ...where in the hell have I been??!!!
I am in my version of heaven, or paradise.   We live on an island now, part of North Carolina's unique and spectacular outer banks.  We live in a camper that is set permanently in a campground community.   The people are all salt-of-the-earth, blue collar, wonderful folks.  They are very accepting of us, and I already feel that some of these people are family.  They reciprocate, too!  We fit in here, and we are each finding that we belong here. 
We spent the first month with my mom....which was hard for everyone in some ways, but we also found good things and had good times.   I feel closer to my mom than ever....and I miss her now that we are 3 hours away from each other.  But I will be able to visit soon, and she will come to visit us at some point, and she'll love it here, too.
We've had to learn to live together in a small space, and it really is okay.  When you have the ocean 96 steps from your door, you realize that you're never really closed in.  It is a great experience so far.
Now, there have been stressful times, dark days, and times I considered getting in my truck and leaving.  But I don't want that. ...so I am learning to be adult about different things and to be patient with myself and those around me.  I guess I have come to embrace the good and the bad and the rest.  Life is worth living. ...I want to live it.  This is a huge deal for a suicide survivor.
I will be posting on a regular basis from here on....I still have a great deal that I want to share with you.   I will soon start my books. ...I will also be designing and starting to have retreats for suicide survivors. ...for family and friends of survivors. ...and for those who have lost someone to suicide.   I will be using the environment here as well as helping people find the spirituality that will be most helpful for them.   I have so many ideas and I realize that there are many people that I can help. ...that I can reach.   I want to do this very much. ...
Any ideas or advice you might like to contribute to me would be greatly appreciated.  I would LOVE to hear your story.  Your story may help someone choose living over dying.   It might help a parent or child or friend come to a better understanding of what happened to their loved one.
If you don't want to contact me through the blog,  please feel free to contact me via email at sheynascv@gmail.com
I would love to have more to go on than just myself and my story.
Thanks in advance. ...
Now I must get to bed. . .a pirate needs rest, too!  May peace be with you. .. 

We Made It!

As promised, I want to let you know that we are safe and sound in North Carolina.   We arrived on Thursday, and it has been an emotional weekend, as my mom has opened her small home to the three of us, and we have all been learning about each other and ourselves.  
My mom and I have had several important conversations, and I feel like our new relationship is going to be a special and dear one.   I feel very blessed to have this opportunity, and I've come to understand that this relationship is also a part of my do-over, and I am so happy to get to share this with my mom.  I also know how hard it is for her, since she is used to living alone, to have such disarray in her home.   But I feel that we have come so far in these few days toward developing a healthy relationship.  I also see the building of healthy relationships between my beloved and my mom, between my beloved and his daughter, between my mom and my beloved's daughter, and between my 'daughter' and myself.  Oh, and the relationship between my beloved and myself is certainly strengthened by all that we've been through on our trip, and all that goes along with building new relationships.
So we are here. ...we are almost broke but I am not going to let it get to me. ...I know that we'll be alright.
I have to get ready for my disability hearing. ...another thing I know I have to stay positive about.   This is hard for me, but I am going to trust in the Universe that things will happen as they should.
The amazing thing....no S Solution knocking on the doors of doubt and fear inside me.  I feel hopeful and alive, and I am really proud of myself.  I cry easily right now, but the tears are of joy and amazement and relief.  I feel washed clean. ...I went outside last night, as it is Summer Solstice, and thanked the Universe for all that I have ....and envisioned all of the wonderful things ahead of me, and it felt good. ...really good! 
I am alive!  I want to stay that way, too!
This is a really good thing!
I wish everyone a happy Solstice and I hope that you are able to embrace the changes and chances that await you. ...may you see the good. ...and let go of what no longer serves you. ...it is time. ...namaste.